Blessed

I Don't Know Why I Thought It Would Be Any Different

2012-02-12T13:49:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I thought it would be any different this time around.

I guess I got my hopes up that things would return to "normal" since my cycle came back so quickly after I stopped breastfeeding. I also (lovingly) blame my mom--she tells me that she had to work very hard for me (I was a Clomid baby), but that after she had me, her cycles became very regular and she had no problems when it came time to try to add my brothers into the picture.

Here I sit at cycle day 33. Yes, I realize that perhaps my body is still trying to figure things out after nursing for a 15 months, and I know that I'm within the "normal" range for a cycle (and watch--now that I'm here writing about it, chances are it will show up tonight and God will laugh at me for being so over dramatic). Keep in mind that my husband has been out of the country for this entire cycle, so no, there is no chance that I'm late in that sort of way.

I think I'm also bummed because I'm rather confused. I thought that I had perhaps ovulated on Day 14--which would be as "perfect" as you can get. But those "signs" have been sticking around ever since then, which I've read can be symptomatic in women who struggle with PCOS. Dang my crazy hormones! Now I'm kicking myself for not temping or testing this last month so that I could better understand my cycle. I had thought about it, but figured that my experience would be like my mom's and things would just simply become "normal".

It looks like if I want to have any success in conceiving and--more importantly--carrying to term, I'm going to have to get back into my crazy healthy habits again. Although I was being much better about not stealing candy from the candy dish at work, I admit that I was "cheating" a bit here and there when pastries were brought in to our break room (if I wasn't eating them, they would just be wasted...right?). As it is, since going back to work in January 2011, I've already been getting up at 5:00 am so that I could get to work on time after getting myself and Ella ready. How the heck am I supposed to try to squeeze a workout in any earlier than that?!

My husband says that he's "ready" to start trying again, but that he doesn't want me to get too wrapped up in it. And I admit that there was definitely a time when I was obsessed with trying to conceive. I am in a very different place now--spiritually and emotionally--but that doesn't make it any easier. As hard as I try to just kick back and trust God's timing, how they heck am I not supposed to think about it?!

Not to mention, it dawned on me the other day that among the RPL blogs that I follow in this community, two women have gotten pregnant again...and I'm sad to say that they both lost their babies. So what made me think that it would be any different now? Apparently loss still happens, even after hope.

Okay, I feel like I got some of my frustration out. I know that some of you can totally relate, and that gives me comfort. I shouldn't be complaining--I have a beautiful Ella girl napping in the other room. If she's all I get, she's more than I could have ever dreamed.

Today's blessing was spending the morning over at the home of Ella's friend Madelyn. Her mom has really become a good friend, and I love watching the girls play together so nicely.

Ella-isms (Vol. 2)

2012-02-04T19:44:00.000-08:00

It's been a couple of months since I shared some Ella-isms, so I wanted to capture some more of her antics:

Barefoot Beauty
For whatever reason, Ella doesn't like to wear shoes in the car. Typically, by the time that I make it out of the parking lot, I hear the unmistakable rip of velcro, followed by the "uh, uh, uh" straining of a toddler trying to reach forward from her five-point harness to reach her socks and pull them off as well. I've gotten to the point where I don't even bother putting her shoes on in the morning before we go to school. Rather, I just put them on when we arrive at her daycare. I don't blame her--I love to go barefoot as well. And now that she's playing outside more at her new school, she's slowly transferring every grain of sand from the sandbox to the backseat of our car.

Clean Freak
My mother-in-law tells me stories of my husband as a child, and how he wiped his hands on a napkin after every bite of food he ate. Well, Ella is clearly his daughter, because she does the same thing. Tonight, she was more interested in cleaning the table, than she was in eating her food. I can only hope that this means that she'll do well with cleaning up her room when she's older.

Mama's Little Helper
Speaking up cleaning up, I've started having Ella help me clean up her toys every evening before we read our books and go to bed. I'm very impressed with how quickly she caught on that all her toys go in the box at the end of the day. Even more impressive--she has begun to help me unload the dishwasher, all by herself. She'll take each utensil out of the little caddy and stack them all up in the drawer where they belong! Granted, they are all piled up, rather than in their own compartments, but it's still really neat that she pitched in to help out.

Monkey See, Monkey Do
When my mom was in town, she taught Ella the sign for "monkey". We then went to the zoo before she left, and the monkeys were giving us quite the show! Ella now signs for monkey, and tries to imitate the "whoop!" sound that they make. Since she is so interested in monkeys, I tried to buy her some new books with monkeys, and ended up with three new Curious George books. Turns out that Curious George came to campus today for a storybook character event, so Ella got to see him up close and personal. She didn't quite know what to think, but she did give him a high-five and waved bye-bye. We'll go to the zoo again tomorrow (I'm bound and determined to take full advantage of our annual pass).

Hugs and Kisses
Ella has become very affectionate lately. When I'm rocking her and singing songs at night, she'll often pat my back or take my face in her hands, look me straight in the eye, and give me a big kiss. When I put her down and say her prayers, she then blows me a kiss from her bed when I tell her that I love her. The other day when I was sitting on the ground, she came up behind me a gave a giant hug. But I'm not the only one she'll hug--she loves to give her friend Madelyn hugs as well. We started by prompting them, but now both girls will give and receive hugs to each other on their own. I love that she has become so kind to others.

Today's blessing was running into my friend and former colleague at the Curious George event. She was there with her son, who is now three, and it's so neat to see him turning into a big boy. I really miss working with her, but I'm so proud of her for following her dreams.

Grandma to the Rescue!

2012-01-28T13:57:00.000-08:00

I'm starting in to my busy time at work (okay, let's be honest--it seems like it's always a busy time at work lately, but this time it's for a project that is largely my responsibility). I had to work late two nights this last week, giving presentations to nearly 600 students. With my husband still out of the country, that left me in a bind with what to do with Ella on those evenings.

Luckily, my mom was an anxious to see Ella, as I was to find someone to watch her. So I picked up my mom from the airport late Wednesday afternoon, picked up Ella from daycare, handed her off to my mom, and went back to work. My mom said that she gave one little complaint as they drove away, but was totally fine after that. She was asleep by the time I got home. Sadly, she was still asleep when I left the next morning! But my mom brought her in for a Chinese New Year celebration at her new school, and we then had lunch together.

The last time that Ella saw my mom was in September for her birthday and baptism, but she either remembers her or has just done really well adjusting to her. She even hopped off my lap and chose to go to my mom at one point yesterday. She does the sign for Grandma when my mom isn't in the room. It really makes me happy to see her bonding with my mom. It's hard having them in California, but we make the most of our time when we are together.

I always knew that my mom would be a wonderful grandmother. From her work as a Marriage and Family Therapist, she is so wise about reading others--especially children. She has been teaching Ella all sorts of new songs and games. Now I just need to try to remember all of the lyrics so I can continue to sing them to her!

Today's blessing was getting a text from my friend and colleague letting me know that her beta levels more than doubled in 48 hours. She also suffers from PCOS (and also doesn't fit the normal symptoms), and has let me share my journey with her; and her journey with me. I know I shared previously that I was sad when my very-dear friend shared with me that she was pregnant, but I felt different this time with my colleague. I was so genuinely excited for her when she told me that she was pregnant, and it gives me hope that I won't always be a jealous person. Please keep this friend in your prayers, as I know how fragile life can be.

Reproached

2012-01-22T12:09:00.000-08:00

I was reproached today for keeping Ella with me in church. I believe that the woman genuinely thought that she was being helpful by offering her advice. I admit--I was hurt by her words, so much that it made me feel sick to my stomcach until I had a chance to talk to another friend (and mom) about it. But I wanted to get the feedback of others--moms, friends, anyone.

The woman--who has two college-aged daughters--approached me after the service under the premise of concern for me that I wasn't able to focus during church because I was trying to keep Ella entertained. She suggested that the church has a wonderful nursery--which they most definitely do...but Ella hates it. We tried the nursery a couple of times, and Ella cried the whole time. I shared this with the woman, and she argued that it's important for children to have some time apart from their parents, and we show them that we love them by always coming back for them. I shared that Ella is in daycare during the week, so she understands that I come back for her everyday. It probably didn't help the situation that one of her daughters works in the nursery every other week, and I admit that I actually used the word "hate" to describe Ella's feelings towards the place. She carried on a bit about how faith is such an important thing, and how I need to role model this to Ella as she grows up. And I do definitely agree that faith is important, so I thanked her for her feedback and tried to make a graceful getaway.

I will be the first to admit that Ella is a handful in church. She definitely knows how to "make a joyful noise until the Lord". I recognize that I do spend a good amount of time trying to keep her occupied. But it boils down to this: I want to worship with my child. I want her to know the people who pray for us. I want her to grow up knowing the praise songs. I want her to recognize that church and Christ are a big part of our lives.

But I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to simply keep her with me just so that I can hold my little miracle in my arms while praising and thanking God for her. I don't want to distract from other worshipers. I don't want to contain her, if she truly would be happier playing with other kids in the nursery.

I'm not a perfect mom, but I want to be a good mom. And I want to be a good wife and church member and citizen. So what do I do? The nasty part of me wants to refuse to bring Ella to the nursery just to spite the other woman, but I don't think that's the answer. I don't know if she approached me out of genuine concern for my spiritual nourishment, or if it's that Ella is distracting her from learning in church, or if she just thinks that I should do it the way that she did it because her way worked for her. If it is that Ella is just too distracting, then I wish that she would just come right out and say "your kid is too loud, please take them to the nursery". That would have hurt, but I would have known that it was dead-honest (with that being said, if you attend our church and you think that this is the truth, you have my permission to tell me so).

Anyone? Thoughts? Opinions? How do you balance keeping a joyful 16-month old joyful while still growing in your own faith and helping others to do the same?

Today's blessing was my very-dear friend who justified my feelings and assured me that she would have "unleashed wrath" if the woman had addressed her and her two-weeks-younger-than-Ella little boy. It was just what I needed to hear to make that nasty feeling in my stomach go away.

I Just Realized...

2012-01-19T19:01:00.000-08:00

...that I never shared any pictures from our trip to Montana!


As the youngest grandchild, Ella had the responsibility of putting the Baby Jesus in the manger.

Her cousin Miranda was so wonderful about playing with Ella, and watched her on New Year's Eve so we could go out.

We had a gorgeous sunrise every single morning.

Ella "ice skates" on the frozen reservoir on the family ranch.

Warming up with dad.

Cousin Kyle, who crocheted the hat that Ella is wearing as his gift for her.

Is Miranda not the most beautiful 13-year old you've ever seen? She's caring, clever, and talented too!

Ella LOVED playing with the dogs, and I loved watching her confidence around them grow.

We finally took her "Christmas Picture" the day we were packing up to head home.

Today's blessing was that I got to talk to my husband (who is in Korea). We're trying to Skype each morning, but he's still adjusting to the time difference, so 6:00 in the morning for me is 10:00 at night for him. I didn't get to talk to him yesterday, and it really made me sad. Ella woke up early this morning, but I turned it into an opportunity to snuggle in bed with her and talk to him. I would have preferred to snuggle in bed with both of them to start my morning, but I'll take what I can get.

On Second Thought...

2012-01-14T18:35:00.000-08:00

In my previous post, I shared that I was 1% disappointed that my cycle came back, just in time for my husband to leave for a month in Korea again. On second thought, I'm starting to realize that God's timing couldn't be more perfect.

The scientist in me is curious to find out what this cycle will be like. Okay, so I'm not really that much of a scientist, but I value education, and I have tried to educate myself the best I can about fertility. If I got a cycle, that would imply that I ovulated. But when--I have no idea. Or perhaps it was just "time" for my body to bleed, and was triggered by stopping breastfeeding, rather than ovulation. Who knows? All I know is that this month away from my husband will give me the chance to better understand what my cycle will be like after a successful pregnancy.

So yeah--my husband left this morning for another month in Korea. He'll return mid-February, which seems far away, but things are so busy at work that I'm hoping the time will fly by. My mom will come out for a few days as well, so that will help give me something to which to look forward. I feel for Ella. When he was gone for a month over the summer, I don't think that she really noticed all that much that he was gone. But she gets it now. She asks for Dada all the time, and I love seeing her face light up when we come home to him or find him in his office. Now, I have to explain that flew on an airplane and he's working far away. She'll sign "airplane" and "work" back to me, so I know she comprehends it, to some extent. I guess that's what Skype is for, right?

Today's blessing was that my husband's flight to San Francisco landed safely. He said that about 30 minutes into the flight, the captain explained that they were having some problems with the landing gear. They were instructed on and practiced how to brace for an emergency landing, and there were ambulance and police waiting when they arrived. But everything went smooth enough, and he's now somewhere over the Pacific.

Woohoo!!

2012-01-10T12:36:00.000-08:00

Call me crazy, but I'm super excited to share that I just got my cycle back!

Okay, so I admit that I'm about 1% disappointed that I wasn't part of that special club of women who get pregnant while still breastfeeding; and I'm perhaps 1% disappointed that it came back now, right before my husband leaves for another month in Korea. But that still leaves me a whopping 98% excited that it's back!

I'm so blessed that it came back so quickly after I stopped nursing Ella. I was giving myself a month to not worry about it, but God brought it back within five days! Woohoo!!

New Year, New School, New Routine, New Plans

2012-01-07T13:27:00.000-08:00

We flew back from Montana last Tuesday night, and I headed back to work first thing on Wednesday morning. That day, Ella also started at a new school. For the most part, we were very happy with the care she received at her other daycare, but the care provider that we liked the most (and who loved Ella the most) was let go. I guess that was kind of our tipping point, and we were lucky enough to get into another school that is supposed to be great with language development, and is also pretty close to my work. The other little girl who is three days older than Ella moved over as well, so they can still be friends and play together. So far, both girls have cried each morning when we leave, but the teachers assure us that they do just fine throughout the rest of the day. I hope the crying stops as they begin to feel more and more comfortable there.

Now that we made it home from our travels, my husband and I agree that it's time to stop breastfeeding. Last night was the first night that I put Ella to bed without nursing her. She signed for milk as I was putting her pajamas on, but didn't have a meltdown when I told her that the milk was all done. We're going to have to work on a new evening routine, as nursing was always the last thing that we did before she went down. I'll miss this time with her, but I think it's time.

I appreciate that my husband had a very open discussion with me about stopping nursing and starting trying again. So often, he'll just say "do whatever you think is right"...which is nice and all, but sometimes I want him to truly be part of the decision. As I nursed her for the last time on Thursday night, he shared that he's truly ready to try again, and he thinks it's time to stop. I appreciate his honesty, and it's nice to feel that we're on the same page. (But gosh, will I miss that special nursing time with her).

So, I guess that means that we are officially trying for another baby. Or, perhaps I should say, "we are officially waiting for my cycle to return so that we can start officially trying for another baby". This time feels a little bit different than it did in Fall 2009 when we were trying for Ella, and it feels a heck of a lot different than it did in Summer 2007 when I first went off birth control. So much has changed; so much of it, for the better.

Today's blessing is not having a headache. Since going back to work, I was fighting a dull, lingering headache for the last couple of days. I think maybe I needed a vacation from my vacation. But now that it's the weekend and I have a chance to relax and catch up a bit, I'm feeling like I'm back to normal and ready for all that is ahead in this new year.

Happy Holidays!

2011-12-29T17:24:00.000-08:00

Merry (belated) Christmas and Happy (early) New Year!

Things have been pretty much non-stop in our lives lately. I spent the whole week before Christmas telling students that they were on probation, disqualified from the University, or revoked from our college. What a way to get into the holiday spirit, huh? We then flew out to Montana on the morning of Christmas Eve, and Ella was quite the trooper. My husband told his family that she got "fussy" on the first flight--I'd argue that she was a typical 15-month old who was simply "fidgety". We then had a three hour drive to his hometown, and went straight to the Christmas Eve service where Ella let everyone know just how "joyful" she was to be off the plane and out of a carseat.

We had a very pleasant Christmas with my husband's family, and Ella was sufficiently spoiled. We were even able to hold some of her gifts until the day after Christmas. She has absolutely loved playing with her cousins here in town, and there are absolutely wonderful with her. I have to admit that it's kind of nice to have someone else looking after her and keeping her occupied; though it has made it a challenge when it's time for her to go to bed but she'd rather stay up and play with them.

The weather has been so much nicer than we were expecting (or that what we experienced two years ago). We've been able to play outside quite a bit, and Ella has enjoyed petting the horses and skating on the river (or rather, sliding on the frozen river in borrowed snow boots while her cousins try out their new ice skates).

We're here for a few more days, including New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, when we'll be able to visit with some of my husband's friends from town. He's the extrovert in our relationship, so I know that he's looking forward to visiting with his friends.

I hope that you all had a very Merry Christmas, and I wish you all a very Happy New Year!

My blessing for the last couple of days has been my niece and nephew. They really are some of the sweetest kids I know, and it's apparent that they love Ella, and she adores them. I wish we lived closer to them so that Ella could get to know them better, but I hope that they have a special relationship for years to come.

This Isn't Something I Should Be Sad About

2011-12-17T12:22:00.000-08:00

For his birthday, I got my very-dear's son the baby sign language DVDs that Ella enjoys, so when she sent me a video message on my phone of him doing the sign for "baby", I thought nothing of it, and responded by text that "baby" was one of Ella's favorite signs as well.

She called back and told me the rest of the story: she's pregnant again.

This isn't something I should be sad about, but I am. I'm very happy for her, and I pray for her and this life that God is creating in her. I recognize that every life is a miracle. So why am I sad?

I've been thinking and praying about it for the last couple of days, and I think it comes down to two things; both which feel really selfish. First, she and I were pregnant together the first time, so in a weird sort of way, I wanted to be pregnant with her again. Second, I still haven't started a cycle. She's now gotten pregnant twice (she experienced an early loss over the summer), and I feel like I'm still waiting to get in the game.

Experience has taught me that no matter how much I try to tell God to hurry up, He's got his own plan. I'm trying to align my desires to follow His plan for my life. I'm trying to live in the moment and not get ahead of myself. I'm trying to be genuinely at peace. But I'm not always the person I try to be.

When she told me, I was snacking on chocolate chips (not even chocolate chip cookies...just the chocolate chips). I've let breastfeeding become my excuse for eating like crap, but if I want my hormones to get back in sync, something has got to change. I'm firmly convinced that I was able to carry Ella to term because my hormones were acting the way I should...which was related to my insulin levels being normal...which was definitely helped by the Metformin, but I was also being really good about what I put in my body. I've let go of that discipline, and sure--it was fun (and tasty!) but I think that something has to change if want to be healthy--and hopefully fertile--again.

I realize that I could stop breastfeeding at any time, and that would hopefully kickstart my cycle. But I want to wait until after the holidays (and more importantly, the plane flights that mark the beginning and the end of the holidays). If Ella gets fussy on a trips to and from Montana, I want to be able to whip out her one and only, tried and true "pacifier" (an no, I don't mean a "binky").

So here I am, heading into the holidays with a sweets-baking-mother-in-law and a resolution to cut out the sugar. Great timing, huh? But I've done it before, and I can do it again. Like I said, one of Ella's favorite signs (and now spoken word as well) is "baby". I'm willing to sacrifice the cookies, fudge, and candy canes if it means that we might be able to give her a baby brother or sister in the future.

She's worth it...

...wish me luck.

Today's blessing is that my husband is coming home tonight from a class he's been taking out in LA. I'm very excited to have him come home. Then it's one more week of work, and then vacation with him and Ella and his family.

Conversations with Ella

2011-12-12T08:46:00.000-08:00

Ella's spoken vocabulary is still holding strong with "Ella" and all her b-words (ball, baby, Boppy, etc.). But with her signing, she and I were able to carry on quite the conversation yesterday during dinner.

Ella: (signs "friend")

Me: "You're right Ella, our friend Madelyn came over today."

Ella: (points at the door)

Me: "Yes, Madelyn had to go home."

Ella: (signs for "car")

Me: "That's right. Her mom drove her home in her car."

Ella: (signs for "music")

Me: "I know. We often listen to music in the car."

Ella: (signs for "cookie")

Me: "Okay, you can have a cookie when you finish your dinner."

We've been signing for months now, and I love that she can point things out to me. But this really felt like an ongoing give-and-take kind of conversation. It really makes me look forward to future conversations at the dinner table with her.

Yesterday's blessing was the chance to spend the day baking with my friend and her little girl, Madelyn, who is just three days older than Ella. The girls go to the same daycare, and truly enjoy playing with each other. It's great to see them entertaining themselves.

Narcissistic?

2011-12-05T19:33:00.000-08:00

Am I raising a narcissistic child if Ella's first word was "Ella"?

I have to admit--it's pretty cute. She'll see herself in the mirror and proclaim "Ella!". We'll drive into town and she'll yell "Ella Ella Ella" from her (still rear-facing) carseat. She apparently even has the kids at daycare repeating "Ella" after her. And I thought that the "l" sounds were supposed to be hard (at least that's what my parents told me when I got mad at my brothers for calling me "war-ra").

Aside from her name, Ella also has a fondness for "b" words: book, ball, baby, and Boppy (our nickname for grandpa). Lately, she's also added some "p" sound: "papa" for papaya, and "appa" for applesauce. She also "moo'ed" for me this morning when I told her that's what the cow says (and lucky for her, we'll see lots of cows in Montana for Christmas). It's amazing to see her vocabulary grow. She's continuing to sign, but the vocal words are emerging slowly but surely.

Today's blessing was that we made it home safely from getting my car serviced with a nearly empty battery. My husband wanted to save $50 by replacing the battery himself (I don't blame him), but it was so drained that nothing on the dashboard was working--not even the speedometer. But we made it home safely, and he has since replaced the battery.

Vaguely Familiar

2011-11-28T19:57:00.000-08:00

I mentioned in my last post that I would share more about our weaning plans. On Thanksgiving, my husband woke up with Ella and offered her a sippy cup of milk in place of her normal routine of nursing for the first time. She seems to be transitioning pretty well, though she did do the sign for milk when I joined them at the table the first day, and tried to pull up my shirt on the second day. I had to eat breakfast with her on my lap this morning to keep her happy enough, but I think she'll adjust.

I, on the other hand, am finding it a bit odd to adjust--both emotionally and physically. I need to readjust my schedule to fit in an early morning workout and figure out when to eat breakfast, do my bible study, and get her fed, but I'll get there. I miss the snuggle time with her, but I still get to look forward to our evening feedings (at least for the time being). But physically speaking...I'm perplexed. On Saturday (so Day 3 of just one feeding), I noticed that my breasts were tender. It didn't quite feel like engorgement; if anything, it was reminiscent to how they felt when I was pregnant with Ella. They still hurt on Sunday, so I took a test this morning.

It was negative. I was actually surprised. I wasn't expecting anything last week at the doctor's appointment, but this sensation is vaguely familiar--no, make that exactly like--what I experienced when I was pregnant with Ella. I even had a dream last night about a positive test (granted, I had to read the results with a magnifying glass in the dream, so maybe that should be some sort of indication...that dream was then followed by another dream of stealing a sports car from a hotel...don't know what that one was about).

They still hurt today. I'm wondering if this is some sort of indication of perhaps a new cycle, or maybe even ovulation. I can only hope that something is happening. After my previous experiences with anovulation and long cycles and PCOS, I admit that I'm a little anxious to get back to "normal" again. All I can do is wait and see.

Today's blessing is that Ella is now holding our hands when we say grace at meals. She knows that we hold hands and pray before our meals, and it's just so sweet that she will hold our hands while we pray. I really pray that God give me wisdom as I lead her to Him.

"Wait! Wait! Come Back!"

2011-11-23T08:19:00.000-08:00

It's a good thing that I've had three--make that four--years of dealing with the ambiguity and roller coasters that come along with trying to build a family. If not, I don't know how I would have reacted to the nurse when she yelled "Wait! Wait! Come back!" down the hallway after she initially told me that the test was negative.

Let me rewind.

On Monday, I had my annual appointment with my OB/GYN, though I actually ended up seeing one of the other doctors and a resident in the clinic instead. The nurse initially thought I must have gotten my years wrong when I told her that my last cycle was December 2009, but the doctor assured me that it's perfectly normal to not get a cycle until even up to six months after I stop breastfeeding (more on that later). But they felt that they wouldn't be doing their job if they didn't at least give me a pregnancy test before I left.

So I downed my water bottle, and filled up a cup for the nurse. I waited as she added the necessary drops, and we both watched in anticipation as the liquid started moving up the test strip...past the "T" (test")...then up to the "C" (control). The line popped out when it reached the C, so we both figured it was negative.

I really wasn't expecting anything different. I would have been beyond thrilled if the second line had appeared at the T, but I know that would be almost too easy, having not even had a real cycle yet. So that's what I said--"that would have been too easy"--and then turned to walk away.

But before I made it to the door, the nurse called after me and asked if I saw a faint line. What?! My first thought: Really God?! Again?! What's with the mixed results?! The nurse was still holding the test, so I never really got a good look at it. The doctor, hearing the commotion, turned to look from the other side. A few more anxious moments of them looking and me wondering, and in that time, whatever the nurse had seen slowly vanished.

So like I said--it's a good thing that I've found a peaceful way of handling the "am I?" ambiguity and the "what if?" roller coasters. Am I disappointed that I'm not pregnant? Well, yeah, it would definitely be amazing. Am I surprised? Well, no, given that I still haven't had a cycle yet. Am I hopeful for what the future holds? Yes. Undoubtedly yes.

Today's blessing was the chance to nurse Ella this morning. I think that today might be her last morning feeding (assuming all goes well). I'm actually really sad about it, and I'm really going to miss the snuggle time with her as she wakes up. But I also feel like it's the right time to wean her back a little bit more. This will leave us with just the nighttime feeding, which we'll continue through the holidays and into the start of the new year. But I cherish the times that I had with her in the mornings, and will always remember the joy she brought me (and continues to bring me...just no longer at the breast) with the start of each day.

"Every Little Girl Needs a Dollie"

2011-11-21T14:37:00.000-08:00

Ella loves babies. LOVES them. There is a new baby at church, and Ella got to meet her when she was just a week or two old, and she does the sign for baby every time she sees her. Lately, she has also fallen in love with the baby dolls at her daycare. Whenever I pick her up in the afternoon, she is always walking around with a baby doll in one hand and a blanket for her baby in the other. It's gotten to the point that she's more interested in playing with the baby dolls at daycare than in going home with me.

I had to work late yesterday, so my husband came into town to pick her up. I had mentioned to him that she was in love with the baby dolls at daycare, but he finally got to witness just how much Ella enjoys playing with them. Apparently her devotion won him over, because he promptly brought her to the nearest Target on the way home and let her pick out her very own baby doll to bring home.

She loves her doll, and it makes me excited to think about the possibility of seeing her with a sibling. I think that she will be a great big sister--if that is God's plan for our lives. But I'm also so impressed with my husband for buying the doll for Ella, on his own accord. He's been okay with whatever purchases I want to make for her, but this was the first time that he has taken the initiative to buy something for her--not to mention that it's something on the "girlie" side. It's so sweet to watch their daddy-daughter relationship develop.

My blessing from Friday was meeting the guys who helped me get my wallet when it fell off my car a couple weeks ago. They had a recognizable car with personalized plates, and it happed to be parked near where I work! So I boldly left a note, asking to repay them in some way. He came intoy office on Friday, an happens to be a student in my college. He agreed to let me make him a cheesecake.

Ella-isms (Vol. 1)

2011-11-13T15:31:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to capture a few of the sweet and silly things that Ella has been doing lately. My intent is two-fold. First, I want to be able to remember her at this fun age. And second, I want to be able to share the joy that she brings me through these antics with those of you who have helped and supported me along the way to where we are now.

Snack Stack
She is getting really good at stacking things...including her banana slices. Yesterday at breakfast, I caught her stacking the little round discs of banana one on top of the other. She had gotten to three slices before she got hungry and decided it was better to eat them.

Sock Hop
Now that it's cooler (at least by Arizona standards), I have retired my flip-flops and have been wearing socks and shoes. Ella was quick to pick up on the sign for "shoes", but now she also does it for "socks" (despite our attempts to teach her the proper sign). She is fascinated by socks, and wants us to put our socks on her feet, sometimes even over her shoes. They look more like leg-warmers, coming up to above her knees, but she's happy to run around the house like that (we have yet to take her out in public with them).

Part Billy Goat
When we were in Hawaii, my husband observed that my family must be part billy goat, because we climb everything--trees, rocks, you name it. Well, Ella must have gotten the same billy goat genes from me, because she tries to climb anything she can--the back of her little chair, the footrest, the ottoman, her activity table, and even into the dishwasher. The girl is fearless, and I hope it lasts.

Sharing is Caring
After she started feeling better from this most recent bug...I started feeling not-so-good. Sure enough, Ella shared her germs with me. But that wasn't all she tried to share with me. While I was laying on the ground, she kept coming over to me and sticking her teething cookie in my mouth, as if to say "this makes me feel better, I want to share it with you to make you feel better too". I've noticed her sharing at other times too--especially with snacks that she enjoys. She'll often take a few bites, and then hold out a piece for me so that I can have some too.

Pity Party
I'll admit it--my precious baby throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way. But she does so in a very careful and calculated way. She ends up laying prostrate on the floor, but she doesn't just throw herself down on the ground. Oh no--she very carefully leans back--first on her hands, then her elbows, then her shoulders, then finally her head...crying her "woe is me!" cry the whole way down. But she's smart enough to know that it would hurt if she threw her fit any other way. We can get her smiling soon enough, but it's pretty dramatic in the moment.

Big Girl Potty
We are teaching Ella baby signs, so when I bring her in the restroom with me, I often show her the sign for potty. It's not that we're trying to potty train her at 13 months, but rather, I'm just simply telling her what I'm doing throughout the day. A couple months ago, I was pleasantly surprised on a trip to the restroom when I hadn't made the sign, that she looked right up at me and did the sign herself. The next morning, while I was nursing her, she farted...and made the sign for potty! The morning after that, while my husband was still in bed, he farted...and sure enough, she looked up at me and made the sign for potty. Sounds cute, right? Well, fast-forward a couple of hours to the end of the evening when I was putting her in the bath, and sat down to use the facilities myself. In doing so, I showed her the sign for potty--meaning that mommy was using the big girl potty. And what would you know--she stood right up and peed as well.

Okay...that's probably enough little Ella-isms for now. I hope to share more in time--especially when she really starts talking.

Today's blessing was working with my husband during Ella's nap to finish one side of our rock wall in our back yard. My parents started the project when they were here for Ella's birth (her actual birth--not her birthday, so it's been a year in the progress. We still have a long ways to go before it's truly "toddler friendly", but it's coming along, slowly but surely.

Sick Child Program

2011-11-10T11:51:00.000-08:00

Ella got quiet on the way in to work yesterday. Somehow I just knew that something wasn't quite right. Sure enough, before I even left her daycare, she threw up all over the place.

Of all days on which to get sick, yesterday actually wasn't all that bad. Her timing has definitely improved since the first day of the academic year. I had a miss-able meeting in the morning, and only four appointments in the afternoon--three of which could be seen during our on-call hours. So I brought her to my office (where she puked again in the parking lot), packed up my laptop, and headed home. After another round of vomit, I knew that daycare wouldn't want me to bring her in today, and since my husband had a day full of meetings scheduled today, I started looking for other options.

I remembered chatting with one of our instructors at the beginning of the year after I went home with Ella on the first day of classes, and she had shared with me that our University offers a "Sick Child Program", where they will pay for a nanny to come to our home and care for Ella when she is sick and can't go to daycare. Sounds too good to be true, right? But sure enough, I started looking into it, and yes--our University will pay $21 per hour, and we pay a $2 co-pay, for a finger-printed, background-screened, references-checked, CPR-certified nanny to come to our home up to twenty days out of the academic year to care for Ella when she is sick and I need to be at work.

It was quick and easy to register for the program, and the nanny showed up this morning as scheduled, and seems to be great so far. I just chatted with her a few minutes ago (during my lunch break), and she assured me that aside from Ella not having much of an appetite (of which we were aware last night when she preferred to throw her food on the ground), she seems to be just fine.

I know that I've complained about how our benefits cut out any infertility consultations or treatments of any kind (and I do still think that this is very unfortunate), but I am very impressed with the Sick Child Program service. It really is a blessing to be able to work for an institution that values my contributions and helps me care for my family. (And I promise that I'm blogging on my lunch break...not while I'm supposed to be working.)

Delays and Denials

2011-11-05T07:21:00.000-07:00

Every morning on my way in to drop Ella off a daycare, I pass a church with one of those changeable signs out front. They change the message about every other week or so. Sometimes they are reminders about events, and sometimes they have little play-on-words messages.

I typically just drive by without giving the message too much of a second thought, but this week's sign read:

"God's delays are not always God's denials"

This time, the message really resonated with me, because I have totally experienced this truth in my life. We started trying to build our family in July 2007 (and by "we", I mean my husband said we could take it easy and see what happened...and I interpreted that to be a green light, and left him in the dust...which I found doesn't really work when you're trying to get pregnant). It was more than three years of waiting--including three losses--until we met Ella. But in that "delay" time, I grew and changed and developed into the person I am now.

As we look ahead to trying to bring Ella a brother or sister, I need to keep this little message in my head and in my heart. I need to not rush things. I need to not get discouraged. I need to not resent the time that I have now. I need to find a way to embrace the delay.

Today's blessing is the chance to go to the homecoming football game with my husband and Ella, and see a lot of my former students as well. We have season tickets, but all of the games have been in the evenings, so my husband has been going with his friends and I've been staying home with Ella. Now that the weather is finally a bit cooler (and our team has totally fallen off any sort of radar so no one wants to air our games on tv), they scheduled an afternoon game, so Ella will be able to enjoy her first football game.

Recycled

2011-11-03T08:12:00.000-07:00

My husband and I spent Saturday going through our closets and the garage and purged a lot of stuff that could be either donated, trashed, or recycled. I ended up working on our guest bedroom/multipurpose room, where my husband leaves his Army stuff and I leave my random assortment of craft supplies (and no, I'm not really all that crafty, especially compared to some of the projects that I've seen from other bloggers). I stumbled upon a pile of sympathy cards that I received from friends and family after our first loss, back in September 2008.

I don't know how I felt. I was a little sad, a little appreciative, a little nostalgic, a little grateful. So much has changed in the three years since that first loss. I'm not the same person that I was when I first received those cards. Having Ella changed my life; but going through the experience of losing three pregnancies also changed my life--both for the better, I believe.

And so I fingered through the cards, rejoicing for the people that God put in my life who helped me along my journey at a time when I needed them the most, but didn't let myself go back to that dark place of loss and despair that I experienced back then. I then placed them in a box with other items to be recycled, and tossed them into the recycling bin.

I don't need to keep the cards, do I? I am so appreciative of those people who came alongside me to encourage me and pray for me, but I don't have to physically hold onto something that my heart is emotionally healing from, do I? It's okay to remember and reflect, and yet move forward, isn't it?

It's not that I'm trying to rid myself of any reminders of those losses. I will always remember, and they will always be a part of who I am. But I think it's okay to...let go. I think it's okay to be happy for what I have now, while remembering that there was a time when I was so unbearably sad. (Gosh, even just writing this brings tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat). But at this point, those emotional scars are exactly that--just scars. They aren't open wounds that hurt day after day...they're just remnants and reminders of a pain I endured. But I did endure, and I don't hurt now the way I did then. The cards served their purpose--they helped me heal.

Loss sucks. Loss hurts. Loss breaks you down and changes your life. But life after loss can still be beautiful.

Enjoying a cupcake at Silas' birthday party.

My blessing today is the chance to spend the afternoon with my very-dear friend and her son, Silas. They are back from Florida for the week to celebrate his first birthday party with his grandparents and friends, and it's been so wonderful to catch up with them.

Oh Happy Day

2011-10-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

Nearly exactly one year to the day from when I started pumping, I brought my pump home from work. I haven't used it--at work or at home--for about two weeks now. We're down to just two feedings--one in the morning when she wakes up, and one at night before she goes to sleep.

I seem to be maintaining enough of a supply so far, though I can tell that it is indeed dwindling--as it should. My plan is to cut out the morning feeding over Thanksgiving when my husband can wake up with her each day and offer her a sippy-cup of milk in place of the breast (he has agreed, but I know that he'd rather sleep in). Assuming that I can keep my supply on just one feeding, I would then nurse her through the holidays in Montana, and then try to eliminate that bedtime feeding once we're home and back into a routine.

I confess that I did very little to work out during this year while I have been nursing, but I know that this "nursing diet"--in which Ella sucks everything right out of me--is going to have to change soon. I've started doing my push-ups and crunches each morning again, and I plan to start my yoga in the mornings when we eliminate the morning feeding. Until then, I'll continue to enjoy the holiday treats and let Ella "help" me keep my figure. That all being said, I firmly believe that my healthy diet and exercise played a big part in helping me conceive and carry her to term, and once I get a cycle back, I'll "be good" again. But until then, I feel that not having a cycle (due to nursing) gives me a free pass for now.

I'm sorry that I haven't posted much lately. I've been busy busy busy at work and at home with Ella. I've also been battling a little cold for the last week, so I've been trying to get as much sleep as possible. But we're doing well, and I think of you all often.

Today's blessing was the chance to take an early lunch break and hang out with Ella. It's been a change to only visit her once a week at daycare after spending nearly every lunch break with her. I definitely look forward to these lunch dates with her, and I recognize that I'm blessed to have a job that is flexible enough to allow me to have this time with her.

Shifting and Transitioning

2011-10-15T08:42:00.000-07:00

Last week, I expressed my concerns about how Ella was held back from transitioning to the one-year-old room at her daycare because she wasn't quite walking. The next morning during my morning nursing/breakfast/prayer journal multi-tasking, I shifted my prayer from:

Dear God, please help Ella walk soon.

Lord, help her as she tries to walk. Make her courageous, so that she can confidently set out and walk. Make her adventurous, so that she can desire to explore new things. Make her coordinated, so she can put all the moves together. Make her trusting, so that she can come to those who offer assistance. Give her persistence, so she can continue to try.

And wouldn't you know it--God is amazing, and sometimes so quick to answer our prayers! Not even an hour later, she stood right up at daycare and took a couple good steps to the daycare worker while I was getting ready to walk out the door. All of those things I had prayed for--courage, adventure, coordination, trust, persistence--they all came together so beautifully that morning.

And they continue to emerge as Ella becomes more and more comfortable with walking. That was Friday, October 7th, and she started transitioning to the one-year-old room on Monday, October 10th, and spent the last three days exclusively in her new room. She seems to really like her new room and new teachers, and seems to be transitioning to eating at the table and sleeping on the cots just fine. Her preferred mode of transportation is still crawling if she wants to get somewhere quickly, but she's standing up and walking on her own accord more and more.

I'm struggling to put together the right words, but shifting the focus of my prayer for her walking was one of those "ah ha" kind of moments for me. I had to look at myself and think: "why exactly do I want her to walk?" I think my urgency had more to do with my own timelines and competitive nature, rather than a genuine desire to see my daughter truly grow and develop on her own, the way God designed for her. When I reexamined myself and put my pettiness aside, I realize that I truly wanted those things--courage, adventure, coordinator, trust, and persistence--for her, not for me. Sure enough--God delivered.

Yesterday's blessing came in the form of two guys who flagged me down when I drove away with my wallet on my car. Not only did they honk to get my attention, but they picked up everything that had fallen out of my wallet when it did indeed fall off my car into the middle of the street. I'm so appreciative that God sent them to help me. I wish that there was more that I could do for them, other than just saying a heartfelt "Thank you". I pray that God bless them for how they blessed me.

Celebration(s)

2011-10-08T06:33:00.000-07:00

I love birthdays. I always have, and hopefully always will. My family--especially my grandma--always made me feel special on my birthday, without going overboard. I want the same for Ella. I want her embrace growing up, and I want her to know that she is so loved--not just on her birthday, but on every day of the year.

I wouldn't say we went overboard by any means, but we definitely celebrated this first year of Ella's life.

It started a couple of weeks ago with her baptism, and since my parents and my mother-in-law were in town, we had her party that day as well.

One of my students made the cupcakes for the party...

...and my mother-in-law made Ella's cake.


Modeling the new tutu that her dance-teaching aunt sent her.

Sampling her cake.

As you can see from the cake picture...she liked it, but wasn't very enthusiastic about it. I had to show her that it was okay to eat it. She ate a few bites and got just messy enough to give us a couple of the requisite pictures.

The next weekend, we helped celebrating the birthday of the little girl at Ella's daycare who is three days older than Ella. This time, it was the other birthday girl's turn to play with the big cake, and Ella got a cupcake...and she definitely knew what to do with it!

Remnants of Ella's cupcake at Madelyn's party.

Since Ella and Madelyn are just days apart (and are favorites of the main daycare provider), they brought in a cake with their picture on it to daycare on one of the days between the two birthdays.


Ella and Madelyn checking out their cake while we sing.

Trying a bit of the frosting...and not quite knowing what to think.

My husband was traveling on Ella's actual birthday, so I left work a few minutes early, and brought her out to a special dinner, just her and me. We then picked up a cupcake from a special cupcake place near campus and headed home.

Cupcake before...

Cupcake during...

Cupcake after!

Each celebration was wonderful in their own way, but there was something just so special about spending the evening alone with Ella on her actual birthday. I pray that I'm always able to spend some quality time--just me and her--on or around her birthday each year to come. She is so amazing, and I praise God for her every day.

Today's blessing is the chance to go to the zoo with Madelyn and her mom--who is quickly becoming a good friend. This will be Ella's first trip to the zoo, so I'm excited for all that she will get to see today.

Held Back

2011-10-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

Ella turned one on Friday (I promise pictures are coming soon), and--in theory--she should have moved over from the infant room to the one-year-old room at her daycare on Monday. But the policy is that the kids can't start in the one-year-old room until they are walking...which Ella is not.

I know that babies walk on their own schedule. I know there is nothing wring. I know that it's not a reflection of me. But yet I can't help but feel that I'm somehow to blame for her being held back.

Ella has great balance, and will stand unassisted for long stretches. She will also cruise along the couch and from one piece of furniture to the next. She'll even take a few little steps on her own if she feels like it. But she is definitely not a consistent walker. Her pediatrician assured me that her legs and feet look fine, and that it will just be a matter of time before Ella truly walks for herself.

I get it--I really do. I know babies develop differently, and Ella is really shining in other areas (like signing). I'm really trying hard to find the right balance between encouraging her without pushing her. I just want her to develop the balance, coordination, and confidence that she needs to truly take these next steps, but I need to let her do it at her own pace.

My husband thinks that maybe she's stubborn like him, or a perfectionist like me. When it came time for me to get my license, I was disappointed that my parents hadn't brought me out on the country roads to let me practice driving when I was 14 so that I would have known what I was doing by the time I turned 16. Maybe Ella is feeling the same way. I'm trying to follow her lead, but I also feel like maybe I should be doing more to encourage walking. It's a delicate line to walk...figuratively.

Last night's blessing was coming home to an empty dishwasher. I had to work late, but I was thrilled to come home and see that my husband had unloaded the dishwasher for me. Sometimes it's the littlest things in life that make my day, and having him step up to help with the chores is so big for me.

My Favorite Day of the Year

2011-09-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

Today is Ella's birthday. It's just another day for nearly everyone else in the world, but it is so significant to me. My life changed and became so much fuller on September 30th, 2010.

I want to share more from our various birthday celebrations, but I'm swamped preparing for a big event tomorrow. I promise I'll share more--including birthday cake pictures--soon.

I'm so incredibly blessed to be able to experience the joy of being a mom to my beautiful baby girl.

The End Is In Sight

2011-09-28T21:09:00.000-07:00

The end of nursing, or at least pumping, that is. Ella turns one on Friday (I still can't believe it!), at which point I will start to wean her, slowly but surely.

I have to say--I'm pretty proud of myself for going the whole year. I remember six months ago when I was trying so hard to get to the six month mark of exclusively breastfeeding before starting solids. I was getting up in the middle of the night--even after Ella started sleeping through the night--to pump so that I would be able to keep up both my internal and external supply. Sometime over the summer, I realized that I had more milk in my freezer than food, so I let myself cut out the late-night pumping, but I was still pumping double-time at work (twice in the morning, twice in the afternoon, and fed her directly at lunch).

Last week, I was down to about ten bags of milk in the freezer, and I started pumping just once in the morning and once in the afternoon at work, while still feeding her during my lunch break. Her one-year appointment is on Monday, at which point I'll talk to her pediatrician about introducing milk. My plan is to mix her sippy cups with half-breastmilk/half-milk until she totally transitions to milk. At that point, I'll stop nursing her at lunch...then stop nursing first-thing in the morning...then cut out her bedtime nursing.

I admit--I'm thrilled at the thought of no longer being hooked up to a pump. At this point, it's become so routine that I no longer hate pumping the way I did at the beginning. But I know that I'm really, really, really going to miss the nursing time. I love my special time with her. I really do. I'm not going to "rush" her, but I now that the end of her reliance on me for this kind of nourishment is coming soon.

Today's blessing is seeing new life in a little plan at work. I know this sounds totally corny, but there was a plant in our lobby at work that was dying over the summer. I re-potted it a couple months ago now, and it now has three new leaves. I love walking by it every day and seeing it continue to grow. I know it sounds crazy, but it gives me hope. Sometimes it's just the little things in life, right?

Ella's Baptism

2011-09-23T07:47:00.000-07:00

Ella was baptized on Sunday, and my parents and my mother-in-law were here to celebrate with us. It was a very special moment for our whole family. Ella did great, and the congregation got a good chuckle as she tried to pull apart the petals of the corsage they had given me. Our pastor was wonderful--I'm sure he's always good in each baptism, but he and his wife also lost three babies before having their boys (now 6 and 9), so I know that he he knows just what a blessing it is to be able to pledge to raise a child to love Christ.

Since the grandparents were in town, we celebrated Ella's birthday party two weeks early, but I'll share more on that at a later time. It was a wonderful blessing to have my parents here for a couple of days. Ella adores her grandparents, and kept giving hugs and kisses as they were packing up and getting ready to leave. My parents were a tremendous help, and I'm so blessed that they will drive through the night to see us.

It's Gonna Be a Long Day

2011-09-15T09:07:00.000-07:00

You know it's gonna be a long day when you have poop on your shirt before you even get to work.

Unbeknownst to me, Ella was apparently working on a huge "surprise" for me this morning on the way in to daycare. When we arrived, I got her out of her carseat and put her on my hip, just like I normally do. As we were signing in, I smelled something a little funny, so figured that I would need to change her when we got into her room.

Little did I know that I would need a change as well. Sure enough, I had her pool all over my hip. Luckily, I'm wearing a black shirt today, so I could hide the evidence pretty well. I got her cleaned up and into a new outfit, checked with another mom that I was clean, and headed to work.

When I got to work, I checked my email quickly before heading to the restroom--where I discovered more poop on my skirt! And if there were poop on my skirt...that meant there was probably poop on my chair...and on the seat in the car. They were both surprisingly clean, so I couldn't figure out where the mysterious poop was coming from, until I opened up the back car door and noticed a chunk in the door jam. It must have fallen off of her when I picked her up, and I then must have brushed up against it as I was trying to clean her carseat.

I *think* (and hope and pray!) that I'm all cleaned up now...but I feel like I can still smell it somewhere here in my office. What a beautiful way to start a morning, huh? Actually, goopy poop aside, starting my day with Ella is indeed a beautiful way to start a morning.

Today's blessing is knowing that my parents are hitting the road tonight to visit. We have Ella's baptism and birthday party on Sunday, and I'm really looking forward to seeing them again.

Heroic Daddy

2011-09-09T09:04:00.000-07:00

My husband has totally redeemed himself from the pajama-mishap from the previous night.

Like I mentioned yesterday, I had to work late again last night, so I got home right around 7:30 pm. When I walked through the garage door, I could see that my husband and Ella were snuggled on the couch, but she was awake, and immediately did the sign for "Mommy" when I walked in the door, which totally warmed my heart. But that joy quickly turned to panic when I saw a snake slithering towards them!

It was small, and I'd like to think that it was harmless (because the thought of having a harmful snake in my house freaks me out even more), but I really don't know what kind it was. My husband initially couldn't see the snake from where he was sitting with Ella, so he handed her to me, and and got the broom and dustpan from the garage. He pinned the snake to the carpet--but then didn't know what to do next. He joked that he might just have to stay there all night in that position, but eventually asked for the needle-nosed pliers, and broke the snake's neck (do snakes have necks?).

We put it in a zip-lock bag for closer inspection. Around this time, my dad happened to call, and mentioned that venomous snakes typically have a pointy head so that they can unhinge their jaw. I admit that I haven't looked very closely at many snakes, so I don't have many comparisons, but it sure seemed to have a pointy head, and it seemed like it's jaw was unhinged (on it's last, dying breath). We couldn't detect any fangs through the plastic bag, and we definitely did not see a rattle, but perhaps it was a different type of poisonous snake, or maybe it was just too little to develop a rattle. Either way, I'm completely freaked out that we had a snake in our house. I just feel so vulnerable.

I recognize that we live in the desert, and that snakes are part of the terrain. After almost stepping on a snake on our front porch a couple of years ago, I'm always so extremely careful to always look outside before I go out. But I never thought that we would ever have to worry about them getting into our house! I think it came through our front door. We've known all along that there was a little gap, but perhaps it's gotten bigger than we realized as the house has settled. Needless to say, my husband has planned a trip to the hardware store this weekend to fix the gap (and we have a dishrag stuffed under there for now). I admit that now I'm worried that perhaps another snake got into the house when we didn't know it, and it is now chilling in a closet somewhere, getting bigger and bigger. Ugh...I don't want to think about it. (Please pray that we don't have any snakes living in our house!)

And I don't want to think about what could have happened if Ella had been playing on the ground and had reached for it! That just freaks me out! And it makes me sad that we will have to raise her to be cautious when she is playing outside as she grows up (as long as we live here in Arizona). I want her to be adventurous, but I also want her to be safe. How do you teach a curious child to explore the desert when you're worried that they might reach for something that is potentially life-threatening?

What a blessing to have worked late, and to come home at a time when I would see the snake. On any other day, I would have been cleaning up dinner or giving Ella a bath or chasing her around on hands-and-knees. Praise God that He put me in a position to notice the snake before it could do any harm.

Silly Daddy

2011-09-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

I was scheduled to work late last night, but ended up working even later than expected. Our original plan was that my husband would feed her dinner and give her a bath, and I would be home in time to nurse her and put her to bed. But when we ran into "technical difficulties" at work, my husband defrosted some milk, fed her a bottle, and put her to bed.

It broke my heart to not get some snuggle time with her, but that quickly turned to laughter. Before I had left the house yesterday morning, I had pulled out a diaper and her pajamas and laid them on the chair in our living room, where we always get her dressed after her bath. When I noticed them still laying there, I asked him what pajamas she was wearing--knowing full well that all the other sets were in the laundry hamper. His response: "Oh...I guess I forgot them". Silly Daddy! Sure enough, she was zonked out in her crib, sporting just a diaper, with a blanket draped over her. But she slept great, all through the night--so who needs pajamas anyway? I have to work late again tonight, but I'm hoping that we don't run into the same problems again, so I should be able to make it home in time to nurse her and make sure that she's properly clothed before she goes down.

Today's blessing is recognizing that although it was sad to have Ella fall asleep before I get home, I have to recognize that this is the very first night that I have had to work this late in nearly a year. Although I work full-time and miss out on eight hours of her day, everyday, I really am blessed to work in a position where I can spend quality time with her each evening.

At This Time Last Year...

2011-09-04T19:35:00.000-07:00

At this time last year, I was washing the tiniest newborn apparel, and wondering how anything could ever be that small. Now, I'm starting to buy 18-month items and wondering how my baby got to be so big!

At this time last year, I was rejoicing at every little kick her little feet gave me from the inside, and marveling at how I could actually see limbs moving across my belly. Now, I'm rejoicing with her every time she plants her little feet on the ground and stands up by herself, unassisted, and marvel at how her balance is getting better and better each day.

At this time last year, I was eating just about everything in sight, taking advantage of the "eating for two" excuse for a return-trip to the desert bar at the buffet. Now, she must be in some sort of growth spurt, because she is eating absolutely everything within reach, and signing "more" and "eat" and "milk" in between meals.

At this time last year, I was feeling as beautiful as I have ever felt in my entire life, radiating "the glow", but also knowing that God was doing something beautiful inside me too. Now, I just look at her and am amazed that someone so precious and beautiful is somehow a reflection of me.

At this time last year, I was planning for a big day, coordinating with my parents and my in-laws how we would celebrate her arrival. Now, I'm planning for a baptism and first-year birthday party, still trying to figure out how we are going to balance two sets of grandparents in one house.

At this time last year, I was thinking "I'm going to have a baby this month!". Now, I'm still in shock that I can say "I'm going to have a one-year old at the end of the month!".

Ella's birthday isn't until the 30th, but wow--what a year it has been! More on her upcoming baptism and (early) birthday party in the days to come.

Today's blessing is knowing that we have tomorrow off. Granted, I'm planning on spending the whole day working on various chores around the house, but it will still be nice to be able to spend the day at home with my husband and Ella.

One of These Things is Not Like the Others

2011-08-25T07:59:00.000-07:00

So to follow up on yesterday's post...I'm guessing that I'm not pregnant. But notice that I say "guessing", because I'm still not convinced of the validity of the tests. But the question is--which test is wrong?

This morning's re-re-test looked like yesterday's--in the sense that it was both negative and the control/test-line didn't emerge (and trust me, I know how to properly take a pregnancy test--so there was no user-error on my part). I'm thinking that perhaps this was a bad batch of tests--perhaps Tuesday's positive test had too much dye (if such a thing is possible), or these last two didn't have enough.

With two out of three negative tests, and the fact that Tuesday's test was initially negative before somehow mysteriously turning positive, I'm guessing that I'm not actually pregnant. I didn't think that a "false positive" was possible--I thought that there must be some HCG in the urine to make that line emerge--but maybe they do exist. I'm not going to point fingers or name names, but let's just say that a certain brand that suggests "clarity" and a "color of the rainbow" was at fault.

I'll admit that I'm a little disappointed, but I'm still feeling a reassuring sense of peace that I know can only come from God. I have been abundantly blessed with Ella. I would love the chance to bless her with a brother or sister, but she's more amazing than I could imagine, and if she is the only child I ever get to welcome into this world, God is still so good in blessing me with her.

Yesterday's blessing was seeing a great lightning show on my way home from work. It really was beautiful, and it was so great to watch it after a long day.

I Think God is Picking on Me

2011-08-24T13:25:00.000-07:00

I'm still breastfeeding Ella, and still haven't had a new cycle, so really don't know if I am indeed ovulating. So every once in a while, I take a cheap pregnancy test, just to check. We're not actively trying again, but I would be absolutely thrilled to be pregnant, if that's what God has in store for us. So I wasn't too horribly disappointed yesterday when it turned out negative. I tossed it in the trash, and didn't think much of it.

Until 2:00 this morning when I woke up feeling nauseous. For grins and giggles, I reached into the trash, just to check again, just in case. Somewhere in the last 19 hours, a vertical line had emerged, turning the "-" into a "+". What?! Figuring that perhaps it was just an evaporation line or something, I resolved to wait until the morning to try again. Well this morning, it was negative again...but that little "control indicator" that is supposed to show that the test was properly completed didn't change. What?!

So like I said, I think God is picking on me.

I know He's not really picking on me, or testing me, or torturing me. I have a surprising sense of peace, and I trust His plan for our lives. I would be absolutely thrilled to be pregnant again, but I also don't want to get ahead of myself. With two mysterious test results, I'm thinking that it could be a bad batch of tests. I've got two more from the same box, so I might as well give one a try tomorrow and see what happens. I'll keep you posted.

My blessing today was my husband's sincere "woohoo!" reaction at the possibility of a new pregnancy. He fully understands that the two tests were conflicting and perhaps ridden with errors in one way or another, but it's still nice to know that he would be excited to start this adventure all over again.

Unfortunate Timing

2011-08-22T21:21:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day of classes. Kind of a big deal in my line of work. Which is why it was rather unfortunate that Ella's daycare called me not even ten minutes after I walked into my office to tell me that Ella had thrown up three times in the twenty minutes since I had dropped her off.

I don't know what happened--she was totally fine when I had left her! Okay--maybe not "totally fine"--she had a bit of a cold over the weekend, but she definitely wasn't acting "sick". But she did not look good when I picked her up. She was zoning out, and her coloring just wasn't right. I called my supervisor as we got back in the car to tell her that I was bringing Ella in to the doctor. I can't blame her for sounding less than thrilled that her "#2" wouldn't be there for the amount of traffic that we were expecting to see, but she has two girls of her own, so she gets it. I then called Ella's pediatrician office as I headed that direction and got the "thank you for holding--we'll get to you as soon as we can" automated response. I was still hearing that repeating message as I pulled into the parking lot, at which time I just hung up and headed into the office. Praise God--someone called to cancel their 9:00 am appointment, so they were able to see us. Ella threw up a couple more times while we were there, and it seemed like it was mostly mucus--perhaps from her cold. They think it's just a lingering virus. She seemed to perk up a bit when the doctors and nurses came in, but she didn't want to nurse, and didn't want her bottle, and didn't want the Pedialyte they offered her. That's when I started to get a little nervous.

She threw up again in the car, and then fell asleep. I dropped by my office to confer with my supervisor, and decided it would be best for me to just bring her home, despite the unfortunate timing. She slept in her carseat for another hour or so, which gave me time to get some work done. When she finally woke up, she practically jumped out of my arms when I offered her the Pedialyte for a second time. She downed it, and nursed, and took some water as well. She's been happy ever since (except for when I attacked her boogers with the nasal aspirator), but my husband will stay home with her tomorrow just to be sure that she is feeling better.

I oscillate between thinking "she's tough--she'll be fine" and "crap--I'm a bad mom". I know I'm not a bad mom--I know that bringing her home with me was the right thing to do. But it's just so hard to see my baby looking so sad and sick. I can't help but wonder if there is more that I could have been doing to prevent it in the first place.

Today's blessing was the appointment cancellation so that the pediatrician could see Ella when I just showed up without calling (or at least without speaking with someone over the phone). We live 30 minutes away, so it would have been hard to go home, then come back, just to turn around and go home again, so I'm so glad that they were able to see us. And it's a blessing to see Ella smiling and laughing and being happy again after seeing her so sad earlier today.

Kauai Vacation Pictures

2011-08-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share some of our vacation pictures:

My amazing sister-in-law and my new niece, Brooke, on one of our early morning walks (while the daddies slept in).

I had such an amazing time hanging out and exploring with my brothers.

My husband and me in front of one of many waterfalls we saw on our trip.

Exploring the many tide-pools at Queen's Bath.

Ella loved playing in the sand...she didn't enjoy the waves as much.

Horseback riding on our "Ride and Glide" adventure.

Ziplining on our "Ride and Glide" adventure.

Beautiful cardinals right off our lanai.

Ella loved the birds. She kept doing a sign for them...granted, it was the sign for "dog", but hey--at least she recognized that they were some sort of animal!

My husband and me on our Na Pali Coast Sunset Cruise.

I love this man.

Na Pali Coast.

Sunset. (I admit that I had a half of a half of a glass of champagne at sunset...then hand-expressed into the sink since I hadn't brought my pump).

Bird of Paradise. My husband and I have determined that he can be in charge of the scenery pictures, and I'll be in charge of the portrait photos.

Gecko.

Cliffs near our timeshare (we hiked down to the water...without the babies, of course).

Another waterfall.

Spouting Horn.

My husband had fun playing around with the manual focus on his fancy camera.

Waimea Canyon (gorgeous...but not nearly as impressive as our Grand Canyon).

Beautiful blue Hydrangeas (my favorite flower--and used in my bridal bouquet) at Kalalau Lookout).

Na Pali Coast from Kalalau Lookout.

I have other great pictures...but for whatever reason, Blogger is changing all of my portraits to landscape. Oh well. You still get the idea of the beauty of the island.

It was such a blessing to spend time with my family, and to have my parents watch Ella so that we could go on our various adventures. Vacationing with a baby is a totally different experience! I'm glad that they were so willing to hold her or stay back at the timeshare with her when we went out on our longer excursions.

Horrible Mom

2011-08-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

I feel like a horrible mom right now.

Perhaps I'm being too hard on myself, but I still feel bad for not paying more attention to Ella's symptoms.

Yesterday, I got a call from daycare mid-morning saying that she had a temperature of 100.7. I finished up with the student I was seeing, and headed over to get her within a half an hour. When I got there, she felt a little warm, but seemed perfectly fine. But I brought her back to work with me (praise God that my supervisor is so supportive!). She wasn't too interested in eating at lunchtime, but I figured it was because I was offering her cold pasta (which I wouldn't want to eat either). She played nicely by herself, came to me for hugs from time to time, then settled in for a nap. Sounds normal, right? My husband left work early to pick her up so I could stay late to get caught up on work, but she was playing happily with him when I made it home. At dinner, she again wasn't very interested in food, which is weird, because she usually loves to eat. After her bath, she nursed just fine and went to sleep without any problems, so I figured that the fussiness and fever from earlier in the day must be related to teething (her upper gums so super swollen, and I keep waiting for all four top teeth to poke on through any day now).

This morning, her temperature was 98.7, and she seemed just fine, so in to daycare we went. When I went to nurse her at lunch, they said that she had been really clingy all day, and wanted to be held all the time. I gave her some Baby Tylenol and an extra kiss, and headed back to work. She made it through the afternoon...but then threw up all over the car before I even got on the freeway.

Poor thing. She was coughing and gagging and vomiting and shaking, and I couldn't pull over fast enough to comfort her. I ended up parking all crazy in an auto-body parking lot in a not-so-nice part of town as the crew was leaving for the day. I must have been quite the sight, but I didn't care--I had to take care of my sick baby. The manager was very kind and checked to see if I needed any rags or water, but my husband is a genius and had a roll of paper towels in the car (and I'm so glad that I was driving his car with the easier-to-clean leather seats instead of my car with fabric interior). I drove the rest of the way home with my arm draped backwards over the carseat, stroking her cheek, until both she and my arm fell asleep.

After a quick bath, she threw up again, but all she had left in her poor little belly was just clear bile. She nursed, and then started to perk up a bit. In fact, we witnessed her standing up by herself--unassisted--for a good five seconds when she let go of the ottoman to take a drink of water from her sippy cup! She seemed a little more interested in food at dinner, though not quite back to her regular appetite. She's now sleeping peacefully...but I did turn the monitor on tonight, just in case (our house is small enough that we typically don't need it...but I helps me listen for those little "sick noises" that I'm not accustomed to hearing).

I know I'm not a horrible mom...but I feel that way. I probably should have just brought her home straight from daycare yesterday morning and stayed home with her all day today to ensure that she really was healthy. I didn't think it was bad enough to bring her in to the doctors--and really, she really wasn't exhibiting many symptoms yesterday...or at least I didn't think so at the time. Looking back, maybe I should have been more concerned.

But now I know. Now I'm being careful. I already sent my supervisor a text message saying that I would head in early--with Ella--to get things started for tomorrow's Orientation, but I would then bring the rest of my work home with me so that I could properly care for Ella...as I probably should have been doing all along.

Today's blessing is that my supervisor and colleagues are so understanding and accommodating when Ella is sick (or when I get sick from Ella). My supervisor and my big-boss-lady both have two daughters each, so I know that they've been here as well, and it really means so much to me that they are so supportive and understanding.

Update on my very-dear friend...she lost the baby. She sent me a text on Tuesday saying that she had started bleeding. My heart goes out to her, but yet, I'm "relieved" that things happened naturally so she didn't have to face the horrors of a D&C or Cytotec. She is a beautiful and amazingly strong woman of faith, and I know that God will bring her through this. Loss changes all of us, and I pray that she is able to rebound, in time, from this experience. I didn't want her to join this club to which we all belong, and I pray that the words I shared with her via email can bring comfort and not more pain. Please pray for her as she continued to heal, both physically and emotionally.

Prayers For My Very-Dear Friend

2011-08-07T08:27:00.000-07:00

Please pray for my very-dear friend...the one who had a baby two weeks after Ella was born, and recently moved to Florida to start her residency in Pediatrics.

She called on Friday to share the shocking news that she was pregnant again (despite their attempts to not be). She and her husband both just started their residency programs and are beyond busy enough with two careers and one baby already, but they excitedly welcomed this surprising news as a blessing.

Yesterday she sent me a text saying that she was trying not to, but admitted she was really worried. The chief resident in OB did an ultrasound for her and didn't see anything. By her calculations, she should be 5 weeks, 5 days, so it is still a little on the early side. But she took two more tests last night--the line on the cheap test is there but fainter than a few days ago, and the digital says "not pregnant".

So now she is left wondering--as so many of us have--is it just too early? Is the test wrong? (And if so, which one?). What if I try again in the morning? What would my Beta numbers be? Am I losing this baby?

She has the blessing (and the curse) of being in the medical field. The OB chief resident gave her the ultrasound as a "favor", and kindly suggested she make a real appointment to figure things out. My heart goes out to her--I know how overwhelming, confusing, and consuming these days of waiting, wondering, and worrying can be. Please pray for her.

Today's blessing was a wonderful family vacation in Hawaii with my husband, Ella, and the rest of my family. We leave tonight to return home (so prayers for a happy and sleepy baby would be appreciated for the six hour red-eye). We had a wonderful time together; and though my family drives me a little crazy at times, I still cherish the time I get to spend with them. And my husband is amazing for all that he does for me to make my vacation special.

You're Not Supposed to Tell Me That!

2011-08-04T00:12:00.000-07:00

We have very clear instructions with our daycare providers that they are not to tell me if Ella reaches any milestones for the first time at daycare without me there to witness it. As a working mom, nothing scares me more than the thought of missing Ella's first steps or first real word (aside from the "mamamama" and "dadadada" sounds she already makes). They might think I'm silly, but they play along and let me think that ignorance is bliss, and I can believe that I was a part of all of Ella's various firsts.

I apparently didn't give my patents the same memo, because the first thing my dad told me when I walked in the door after our horseback riding and ziplining adventure was that Ella stood up, unassisted, all by herself for a few brief moments while we were gone. He was so excited for her--and for me--but I'm sad I missed it.

I know I can't always be there, and I know that she'll only continue to get better and better in the days to come. And if my husband and I aren't home to witness her accomplishments, then I'm at least glad that it was my parents who got to encourage and congratulate her. It makes me look forward to so many other occasions--sporting events, recitals, graduations, weddings--that they will get to celebrate with her.

Today's blessing was my husband's willingness and ability to comfort my fussy niece tonight while I nursed Ella. We stayed home with the kids so the rest of my family could go out, and my niece woke up the minute my brother and sister-in-law left. I don't think I had realized just how good he hadn't gotten with Ella. He definitely has the right touch!

"You Must Be Good Parents"

2011-07-29T23:12:00.000-07:00

So said the woman in the seat in front of us as we landed in Lihue this afternoon.

Ella was an amazing little traveler today! She played hard during our layover at LAX, crawling all over the place, then took a nearly three hour nap on my lap for the first half of our nearly six hour flight. She let out a couple of happy squeals when we pulled out her lunch, but they were obviously happy-sounding. We also brought along a new shape-sorter toy that kept her attention (I still can't believe my baby is big enough for shape-sorting toys!). I couldn't have been more proud of her for being so great on such a long flight!

Now she's sleeping peacefully as I wait to pick up my brothers, sister-in-law, and new niece. It's a lot more work to travel with a ten-month old...but she brings so much joy!

Today's blessing was that Ella took such a long nap! She usually takes a good nap at daycare...but rarely is it more than two hours. Praise God that she slept so well today...let's hope she does the same for the return trip!

Vacation Countdown

2011-07-23T12:41:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to report that we survived the daycare bug! Thank you for your well wishes and prayers for a speedy recovery. It's funny how a 24 hour bug lasts for pretty much exactly 24 hours. By Wednesday afternoon, I was feeling like my normal self again.

And thank God that we got it out of our systems before our vacation! I made reference to our upcoming trip in my previous post, but didn't really share details. We leave on Friday for 10 days with my family in Hawaii!

After my sister-in-law and I experienced our losses in Fall 2008, it gave my whole family a new appreciation for what we have and what we had lost and what matters to us. That Christmas, instead of spending money on exchanging gifts, we all took a family vacation together. And really--it was more of a "vacation adventure" since we camped...in December...in Yosemite...in tent cabins...in the snow. It was an amazing experience, but we all decided that we wanted to do something a little more tropical for the next family vacation two years down the road when it would again be my turn to celebrate Christmas with my family. Well, by Christmas 2010 we were blessed with Ella and my brother and sister-in-law were expecting my niece in February, so our winter vacation became a summer vacation.

It will be my whole immediate family--my parents, my brothers, my sister-in-law, my niece (who I will meet for the first time!), and of course my husband and Ella. We will be on Kauai, and we look forward to visiting a lot of the places that we explored on our last family vacation to the island ten years ago when it was just the five of us, before the spouses and babies. We leave early Friday morning...so let the vacation countdown begin!

Todays' blessing was the chance to visit the local farmers market with the mom of the other little girl at Ella's daycare. The girls are just three days apart, started at daycare on the same day, and she also works at the University, so we have a lot in common. We've had a couple of lunch dates with the girls, and she's turning into a really good friend.

Sick Baby, Sick "Mama"

2011-07-20T15:26:00.000-07:00

There's a bug going around Ella's daycare, and sure enough, she apparently caught it. They sent her home early on Friday because her poops were a little on the loose side, but then she was totally fine all day Saturday, so I was hopeful that she just had a mild case. But no, Sunday afternoon, she threw up her entire breakfast.

Poor thing. I think it scared or startled her more than anything. I immediately picked her up and rushed to the bathroom, where I somehow managed to get both me and her undressed and into the shower...where she promptly threw up again. After a light lunch and a "snack and snooze" feeding, followed by a long nap with Daddy, she was happy again. She didn't have a temperature on Monday, and was as happy as ever, so I figured that we made it through her first stomach bug unscathed.

Until Tuesday. Again, she had another loose poop, so daycare suggested that I take her home. When I picked her up, she was super-duper happy, but since things are slow at work, I figured it wouldn't hurt to have her with me. Little did I know that I would soon be the one hurting. I made it through my 2:00 meeting while Ella napped on my floor, but then went downhill...fast! Luckily, I made it off the freeway before I puked in a plastic bag while pulling into our community.

I felt miserable, and I was a horrible mom yesterday afternoon. I put on a Baby Signing Time video, made sure there wasn't anything unsafe for her to get into, and dozed on and off while she played. Praise God she can entertain herself these days, but I feel so bad that I was so out of it. I don't know how I made it through dinner or her bath--maybe she could sense that something wasn't right with me.

I made it through the night, but I still feel really weak and achy, so I'm staying home today. And I feel thin and frail--I guess it's one way to look good for our vacation to Hawaii next week, but it's not my ideal choice.

I'm definitely not cut out to be a single mom. I cannot wait to have my husband back with us. I made it through his month in Korea for work, and the first of his two-week Army Reserve commitment, but I'm so ready to have him home with us. Aside from being sick, I just want my partner back.

The blessing in all of this sickness is that Ella said "Mama"...or at least what we think was "Mama". On Sunday night at dinner, she said it a couple of times, and smiled sweetly when we repeated it back to her--as if it really was what she was trying to communicate. She has said it a few more times here and there, so I'm really hopeful that this really is her genuine attempt to formulate words. It totally warms my heart to hear her call me "Mama".

I Couldn't Care Less

2011-07-18T20:58:00.000-07:00

Last week I got together with a friend and former colleague while she was in town and got to meet her little boy who is just over four months old. She made a comment about how she recognized that she had become comfortable with not always looking perfect. I couldn't agree more; and I couldn't care less.

Just the day before, while I was getting Ella into her carseat to head to work, I realized that I had what was either spit-up or toothpaste on the front of my shirt. In my pre-Ella days, I would have gone back into the house and figured out a whole new outfit to wear. But now, I just shrugged my shoulders and said "oh well!".

I could have easily brought her back inside with me and changed my shirt--it wasn't that it would have been too much of an effort to tote her into the house to change. Rather, it's that my priorities and my outlook have changed. Sure, I want to look presentable and practice good hygiene, but having a little spit-up or toothpaste on my shirt is so inconsequential in comparison to what is really important. Who cares?! My husband loves me, and Ella still thinks I'm the greatest person in the world (at least while I still supply the milk).

This isn't to say that I've totally let myself go (I've been diligent about doing a quick morning workout...though I admit that I haven't gotten back on the elliptical yet). Rather, I'm just coming to grips with the reality that sometimes there are more important things in life than clean clothes.

I was blessed to be able to spend the weekend with my husband. He was home for a week...then left for his two week commitment for the Army Reserves, but was allowed to work from home over the weekend. I'm starting to realize just home much I love and appreciate him as we head into this last week apart.

Check-Ups

2011-07-09T13:45:00.000-07:00

I took the day off on Thursday for Ella's 9-month check-up and a dermatologist check-up for myself (you can never be too safe in Arizona). Ella's regular pediatrician wasn't available this time because she is currently working night for July (the pediatrician clinic is part of the university-affiliated teaching hospital--which, as an educator, I really enjoy and appreciate). She was initially seen by just a medical student for the initial exam, and we were then joined by the attending physician...who asked if anyone had ever told us that Ella had a heart murmur. What?! No! After I got over the immediate freak-out-but-try-to-look-calm moment, she kindly assured me that it's really mild and it's just something they'll note. She helped the med student listen for it, and it was fascinating to see the light bulb go off in his head as he picked up the little variance in the pattern of Ella's heart (the educator coming out again). I sent a text with the diagnosis--Peripheral Pulmonic Stenosis--to my very dear friend, who wrote back "hahaha....it means she has loud arteries...there's nothing wrong with her heart". In layman's terms, Ella's arteries are on the narrow side, so they are a bit louder as blood rushes through--just like a thin hose compared to a fat hose.

Other than that, Ella is doing great. At 29 inches and 18 pounds, 2 ounces, she's a long, lean baby. The didn't give me exact percentiles (nor do I feel like I need them), but she's at the top of the growth chart for height, and just below the average for head circumference and weight. They were pleased that we're trying to read to her as much as possible (some days more than others) and that she's proficiently crawling. She hasn't said any true words yet, but she'll repeat sounds back for us and babble away to herself, so I'm hoping it's just a matter of time before the words start coming out.

She's so much fun and she's such an amazing blessing in our lives. I took her 40 week picture the other morning, and it dawned on me that she has now been with us on the outside for just as long as she was with me on the inside. As wonderful as it was to be pregnant with her, it's even better to hold her and kiss her and love her and watch her grow.

Today's blessing is seeing the desert come back to life after the big monsoon rains that we got this week. All of a sudden, everything is bright green again! It's absolutely beautiful! God knows that our state needs the rain after the fires, and He's come through.

Out of Curiosity...

2011-06-30T08:16:00.000-07:00

For my breastfeeding friends out there, out of curiosity, how long was it before your cycles came back?

Ella is nine months today, and I still haven't started a new cycle. I don't know if this is because I'm been breastfeeding and pumping, or if it's related to PCOS. I admit that I indulged in eating just about everything I wanted in the first couple of months, but I've been more conscientious about my diet from about six months on (recognizing that what I eat effects insulin levels which effect hormone levels, etc.).

My only comparison is my sister-in-law (who started her cycle exactly 28 days after my niece was born) and my very-dear friend who started just short of six months. Back in the day, I may have rejoiced at going 18+ months without a cycle, but I no longer think of it as "the curse". Rather, I recognize and appreciate the significance that it plays in this whole fertility game. I'm trusting God's timing and plan for my life, but I can't help but wonder if/when it will show up again...

This morning's blessing was hearing the most precious squeals of delight coming from Ella as she played with my husband. She definitely remembers her daddy, and is having so much fun getting reacquainted with him. I am so blessed to have both of them in my life.

Shrinkage

2011-06-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

I swear Ella is sucking all the life right out of my breasts. I thought they were supposed to get bigger from breastfeeding. I guess that's just not the case with me. I seem to have gone from a "cup half full" to a "cup half empty". It's not so much that I mind the shrinkage...it just would have been nice to lose a little from the belly, hips and thighs instead.

Today's blessing is that my husband returns tonight! He's somewhere over the Pacific right now, and will arrive in San Francisco around noonish. My grandparents live nearby, so he'll spend the afternoon with them and help them celebrate their anniversary. I can't wait to see him tonight!

"No"

2011-06-26T20:07:00.000-07:00

Two simple little letters. N-o. Something tells me I'm going to be using them a lot from here on out.

Ella is mobile. Her preferred method of transportation is still the "lunge-wiggle-scoot" when she really wants to get somewhere, but she's crawling more and more on her hands and knees each day. I'm still faster than her...but I know that won't last for long.

Ella is curious. She wants to see what's inside anything--whether it's the laundry basket, pantry, or backpack. It seems that anything and everything is a new toy for her. Yesterday it was the V-8 cans on the bottom of the pantry, today it was the lids for some (unlit) decorative candles.

The combination of the mobility and the curiosity is eliciting plenty of "no's" lately. No to pulling on wires. No to reaching for knives in the dishwasher. No to trying to put rocks in her mouth. It's definitely time to baby-proof the house. But "no" isn't the only new word in our vocabulary--Ella's exploration is causing us to introduce all sorts of new words as we describe whatever it is she is discovering. Gone are the days when I could just lay her on a blanket, looking up peacefully at the ceiling. It's a good thing that my husband gets back later this week to help me keep an eye on her and do some baby-proofing around the house.

Yesterday's blessing was finally hearing from my husband after 26 hours without contact with him...in which he went to the DMZ...by himself (well, as part of a tour, but without any of his colleagues). He developed a sinus headache and had tried to email me to let me know he was just going to go to bed instead of calling, but the email never came through. With the 16-hour time difference, it wasn't until 4:00 pm the next day (my time) that I heard from him. Thank God he was safe, and thank God that he comes home late Wednesday night/early Thursday morning.

That's Not a Toy

2011-06-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

Ella's first tooth broke through right around 8 months. We're now approaching 9 months, and she still only has that one little tooth. But let me tell you--that one little tooth is enough to inflict some serious pain when she bites down while nursing. It's sharp!

And to make matters worse, when she's not biting me on one side...she's playing with--as in twisting and pulling--the other side! She just started doing it in the last week or so. I try to explain to her that it's not a toy, but she just smiles up at me and reaches for it again. It's like she's marking her territory or claiming it for herself.

And if it's not the nipple she's grabbing at, then it's my hair. Gone are the days of a peaceful nursing baby. It doesn't seem so long ago that I had to apply a cold washcloth to her forehead or pinch her toes to keep her awake, and now I'm just hoping that she'll relax long enough to get a couple of ounces into her tummy.

Titty-twisters aside, I still love my nursing time with Ella. I love starting me day with her, watching her wake up as she nurses; and then ending my day with her, watching her relax and drift off to sleep. Some folks want coffee first thing in the morning--Ella just wants the breast. She wakes up like my husband--a little on the grumpy side. But after a couple of minutes at the breast, she's blowing raspberries (yes, sometimes while still at the breast) and smiling up at me. What a way to start my day!

Today's blessing was having a colleague come back to work after her maternity leave. She really brings a lot to our office, and I know that she was missed while she was gone.

Happy Fathers Day!

2011-06-18T21:51:00.000-07:00

Since my husband is Korea with a 16 hour time difference, it's already Sunday for him, and therefore already Father's Day. I'll be honest--I'm a bit disappointed that he's not here to celebrate this first Father's Day with Ella. I know that it's significant for him.

By Father's Day 2009, I had already experienced all three losses (the third being just weeks before). But I felt like I was a mother to those three babies, and I felt that my husband was a father to them as well. I bought him a gift, but he downplayed the day. That day, he told me that until he holds a child in his arms, that he did not feel like a father. That broke my heart.

I get that men are different than women, and I can understand how he would fail to feel a sense of connection to those three babies. But I know that he's connected to Ella, and there's clearly no denying that she is his daughter. Look at the resemblance!

My husband is becoming a really good father to Ella. He still smiles at her the same way he did the very first time that he held her, and it warms my heart each time to see that sort of devotion and compassion show through on guy like him. We got to Skype with him today, and her face totally lit up when she heard his voice and saw his face on the screen. Likewise, his face lit up when he saw her crawl and say "da-da-da-da-da". Even though he's not here for this first Fathers Day with Ella, I anticipate celebrating with him when he returns, and look forward to plenty of more celebrations in the future.

I also want to recognize my own dad and what an amazing role model I had in him. I remember my dad volunteering in my classroom when I was little, and reading to my brothers and me each night. He coached my teams, and actually continues to help coach my high school's girls soccer team, even though I graduated more than 10 years ago. He has faithfully loved my mom for more than 30 years, and makes sure that my brothers and I know just how proud of us he is. And now, he's spreading that love to Ella and my niece. Here he is playing with Ella on his recent trip to visit us:

To both my husband and my dad, I love you both very much. Thank you for loving the girls in your lives.

Today's blessing was finding out that my very-dear friend's little sister and dad made is safely back from their adventure on Denali. It sounds like it was extremely treacherous at times, but God provided in bringing them down safely.

So Proud

2011-06-16T20:53:00.000-07:00

It started when she started rolling around like a little desert tumbleweed. Then she developed into a little inchworm, and did the cutest little "lunge-wiggle-scoot" routine to get where she wanted to go. And finally last night, Ella truly crawled, in the traditional sense of the word.

It didn't last very long, and she didn't really get all that far, but she was definitely on her hands and knees, and was moving them with a purpose...and it surprised me just how excited I got for her. I'm so proud of her for putting it all together, and it left me marveling that if I'm this proud over a few crawling inches, just imagine how proud I'll be of each of the new feats that she accomplishes in the weeks, months, and years to come.

Unfortunately, my husband isn't here to witness all of these little developments that Ella is accomplishing. He's still in Korea for the rest of the month, so I'm really hoping that our schedules will line up so that we can Skype soon so that he can also witness all these new things that she's doing.

Today's blessing was getting into a "Mommy & Me" swim lesson through the city's lottery system. I'm really hoping that Ella can be comfortable in the water, and I look forward to this new little adventure with her. (It will also help the next two weeks fly by until my husband returns home).

Boppy Time

2011-06-08T20:17:00.000-07:00

No, not the nursing pillow (though I do use one every morning while I try to feed Ella, eat my breakfast, and do my Bible study all at the same time). Rather, my dad is "Boppy" to Ella, just as his dad was for us, and he's here to visit, keep us company, and help out while my husband is in Korea.

My dad's flight arrived yesterday afternoon, and sadly, I made the mistake of suggesting that he sit in the back with Ella on the drive home. Bad idea. He's absolutely wonderful with children, but Ella hasn't seen him since January, so she was initially a little freaked out. Since then, she has really warmed up to him and was totally flirting with him this afternoon. Good thing--because she is staying home with him the rest of the week when I go back to work (I stayed home today).

It's such a blessing to have my dad here. I really was blessed with a wonderful set of parents as role models, and I know that they love Ella as much as they love my brothers and me.

Goodbyes

2011-06-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

I said two tough goodbyes this week.

First, I said goodbye to my very-dear friend who is moving to Florida to start her residency in pediatrics. I am thoroughly convinced that God brought her into my life at the time when I needed a friend the most. Her medical knowledge and understanding have been a huge bonus to the prayers and support that I received from her as I struggled through my third loss, grew through my time of waiting, cherished the experience of my pregnancy (she was two weeks behind us), and then learned what it takes to be a good mom in these first couple of months with Ella. And now that I'm starting to get the hang of things, God is taking her away from me--at least geographically. I asked her what I was going to do without her, and she assured me that she would now have a pager. This might sound horrible--but I was surprised that it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to say goodbye to her. Aside from my mom, she is the person that I share just about everything with. And yet, I only got misty-eyed when I actually said goodbye (I had a good cry over the weekend as I wrote her a goodbye note, and I guess I'm tearing up now as I write this). But the actual hug and wave weren't so bad--I think it's because I know that God has big things in store for them in Florida. Since they are traveling with an almost-eight-month old, they are taking it nice and slow, so please continue to pray for them on their travels and as they look forward to this new adventure.

The second goodbye was to my husband this morning as he heads out for the rest of the month in Korea. He'll be gone for 24 days--which is longer than his usual trips, but shorter than his trip to Djibouti in Fall 2009. Again--it wasn't so bad saying goodbye to him. Don't get me wrong--I love him dearly and I'll definitely miss him, but I have Ella at home with me now, and she makes a world of difference. In the past, the house was always so quiet when he was gone. Now I have a babbling, laughing, and screeching companion. In the past, I could let the house get as messy as I wanted when he was gone. Now I have a curious almost-crawler who is getting into everything. In the past, I could eat whatever I wanted, watch whatever I wanted, and pretty much do whatever I wanted when he was gone. Now I have a routine and responsibilities...and one less set of hands with which to get them all done. But my dad is coming out for a few days, and I know that he will be a huge help (not to mention that I would imagine that Ella will adore playing with him). I will definitely look forward to seeing my husband at the end of the month, but I know that we'll be okay without him.

As I say these goodbyes, I'm blessed to have Ella filling my life with so much joy. I know that God has given me a sense of peace, and she definitely helps fill the void of missing my friend and my husband.

Memories

2011-05-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

Thank you for your reflections and encouragement in regards to my last post about forgetting the anniversaries of significant dates related to my losses. I really appreciate the reassurance that it's natural and okay to move my attention to Ella, while also letting go of some of the sad memories--all while remembering that I am who I am now, and that I have Ella now, because of my experiences with loss.

So from the topic of forgetting to the new topic of memories--happy memories. I work in Education, and I've mentioned before that my world revolves around a cyclical academic calendar. There are always new students with new concerns and accomplishments, but I typically know what to expect. But as we head into our month of New Student Orientations, I wasn't expecting to be flooded with all of these amazing memories of being pregnant with Ella this time last year. By this point, we know we were having a girl. By this point, I was wearing a belly-band. By this point, I had a big enough bump that parents were asking me how I was tolerating the heat.

As I tried to balance my laptop and a clipboard while swinging the desktop into position to meet with my first student yesterday, I thought back to how much more challenging it was last year by the end of the summer, and how special it was to get the little kicks from Ella during those advising sessions. As I walked back to the office in the nearly 100-degree sun, I remembered how I swore to myself that I wouldn't complain about the heat the year before because I was just so relieved and humbled to be carrying a growing baby. As I pulled the pump out from under my desk, I smiled at how I had a box of books under my desk at this time last year so that I could prop my swollen and tired feet up. And then I looked at my computer screen and saw the face of the most precious two-month old looking over my shoulder, and I wondered what happened to that little girl...who is now babbling and nearly crawling.

I realize just how incredibly blessed I am to hold Ella in my arms. I know that there are other women out there who are still waiting for their turn, and I pray that God bless them the way that He has blessed me.

Forgetting

2011-05-21T12:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know how I feel about this, but thought that if anyone could understand, it would be the other women of this community.

I will never--can't ever--forgot that I lost three babies before God blessed me with Ella. I believe that they are with our Lord in a beautiful place, and they will always be a part of who I am today. I remember the joy and excitement that I felt each time I learned that I was pregnant, and I remember the pain and confusion each time I learned that I would not hold them in my arms during my time on earth. I remember details of each loss--waking up alone after the D&C...crying on the couch...digging under the tree in the middle of the night.

But I admit that I'm also forgetting pieces. The day that would have--could have--been a two-year old birthday party passed earlier this month without me giving any notice to the date. I know I learned of our third loss in the week after graduation two years ago, but for the life of me, I can no longer remember which day it was. These painful anniversaries that I thought would be permanently tattooed on my heart are fading.

And I don't know how I should feel about it. I don't know if I should rejoice that God has brought me through such a dark and lonely point in my life and into the land of the living; or if I should repent for forgetting these significant experiences. Am I a "bad mother" for letting the memories of the babies I lost fade? Or is it "healthy" to move on? I don't know if there is necessarily a "right" or "wrong" answer, but I'd be interested in hearing how others think.

Today's blessing is beautiful weather! It's usually well into the 100s by this time of the year, but we've had temperatures in the 70s-80s all week! It's given me the chance to do a little yardwork and enjoy the outdoors with Ella.

Inchworm

2011-05-18T07:38:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, I compared Ella to a little desert tumbleweed because she was rolling all over the house. Now she seems more like an inchworm. She is trying so so so hard to crawl, but hasn't figured it out quite yet. She'll push up on her arms, but then she bends her elbows when she pushes on her toes and gets her little butt up in the air. Up with her head, down with her butt. Down with her butt, up with her head. She's scooching forward, bit by bit...but not by much...yet.

It's so amazing to watch her try so diligently to crawl. She is so determined! So focused! So intent on moving forward! It makes me so proud of her...and reminds me that I need to try as hard at my daily task as she is trying now with crawling. Here she is:

My recent blessing was a really nice gentleman who ran after me when he noticed that my debit card had fallen out of my pocket. What a disaster that would have been if I had lost it! So I really appreciate that God put someone in my path who took the time to alert me.

All Clear (At Least We Hope and Pray)

2011-05-14T12:04:00.000-07:00

Thank you to everyone who showed concern and said some prayers for Ella after her fall. I got her in to see the pediatrician on Wednesday because I was concerned that there was some swelling at the bridge of her nose. If it had been a bump on her arm, I wouldn't have thought as much of it. But a blow like that to the head had me worried about neurological damage. The pediatrician explained that the blood was draining away from the bruise above her eye and was pooling at that spot at the bridge of her nose. Makes sense--it's essentially the law of gravity. She did a more thorough evaluation (shining her little light in Ella's nose, eyes, ears, and mouth), and said that she looks great.

So it appears that we have the official "all clear" from the pediatrician's office, but I can't help but still hope and pray that she is indeed unscathed by this incident. You know me--I worry. I'm trying to trust that this is all part of God's plan, but there's that little "what if?" question in the back of my mind...

The woman who was changing Ella when she fell apologized profusely to me when I went in to feed her on Wednesday. I tried to walk that fine line between being compassionate and understanding that accidents happen, while also standing strong in my conviction that the experienced care providers who know the infants best need to be changing them instead of the "floaters". I didn't say "it's okay"--because it is not okay. When I asked for more details, she said that she had one hand on Ella's thigh while she was reaching with the other hand to put away the diapers. Ella pushed back, and she caught her body on the way down, but her head still hit the tile. I'm trying to let myself believe that she acted quickly and did all that she could to protect my daughter once she started to fall--I just wish that she had done more to prevent the fall in the first place.

Ella seems to be doing okay. The bruise and the swelling are going down, and it would be hard to notice them at this point without knowing what happened. She fussed a bit the first two nights (perhaps because of the injury, though it could have been unrelated), but has slept well the last couple of nights. She's still anxious to breastfeed and eat, and is still "scooching" around when she's on her tummy. Everything sure seems "normal", so I hope and pray that she really is okay.

Yesterday's blessing was watching my students graduate. I've been at this job now for four years, so these are the students who were starting out as freshmen at New Student Orientation when I first started, and it was great to see so many of them walk across that stage and know that I had a part in their college experience.

Fall Update

2011-05-11T08:01:00.000-07:00

Ella seems to be okay...at least mostly okay. I'm going to call the pediatrician when they open up shortly to see if I can get an appointment just to be sure that there isn't any internal damage.

Here's the picture from when I first arrived at the daycare on Monday around 11:50 am:

Here she is a couple hours later (around 1:30 pm) as we were waiting to meet up with my very-dear friend's husband to have him evaluate her:

And that evening (around 6:30 pm) in the bath, clearly enjoying herself:

And lastly, yesterday morning:

The bruise is clearly getting better, but I'm concerned that there still seems to be some noticeable swelling at the ridge of her nose. She seems perfectly happy, so I pray that there is not any neurological damage and that the swelling with subside on its own, but I feel like I should still get her checked out. Please continue to pray for Ella as she heals.

It was really scary to leave her at daycare today. The main care provider assured me that she will do all of the diaper changes for the littler ones, but I can't help but be just as nervous as the first day. The director wasn't there this morning, but I'll try to talk to her this afternoon to figure out what additional precautions can be taken.

Yesterday's blessing was my husband's willingness to stay home with Ella so that we could make sure that she was okay. I'm so grateful that he has a job that is flexible and will let him do a little work from home so that he can care for our child.

Inexcusable

2011-05-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

I went from the high of celebrating Mother's Day yesterday to the low of getting a call from Ella's daycare center today. (Really--is there ever a "good" reason why the daycare center would call a parent in the middle of the day? Perhaps maybe if I referred someone and they were going to give us a discount, but I can't think of anything beside that.) I got the call at 11:45 this morning, just as I was wrapping up some morning projects so that I could head over to feed her. When I saw the name and number pop up, I knew something was wrong. I figured that maybe Ella had a fever...I never expected the words that came out of the daycare center director's mouth.

Ella had fallen off the changing table and hit her head on the tile floor.

My heart started beating faster, and I was out the door before I even hung up the phone. I didn't ask many questions at that point--I just wanted to get to my baby. I said a quick prayer and called my husband. I then called my very-dear friend (the pediatrician) to find out what signs of concern I should be looking for. I left a message for my mom as I was pulling into the parking lot of the center.

Ella was in the arms of the main care provider when I came in the room. She gave me a feeble smile and let me hold her tight. With shaking hands and her still in my arms, I somehow took a picture on my phone so I could send it to my husband, my mom, and my very-dear friend (and so I could have "proof", if needed...but oh how I pray it doesn't come to that). She nursed just fine, and let me apply an ice pack to the huge bruise just over her left eye.

I'd like to think that I remain pretty calm in crisis situations. My main focus was Ella. It wasn't the time or place to point blame or cause a commotion--all I wanted to do was be good to Ella and assess how she was doing. When I saw that she was nursing just fine and putting her hands up to my mouth to kiss, I started to relax just the tiniest bit and asked a few questions. The gist of the story is that one of the "floaters" who was helping out in the infant room was changing Ella and didn't realize how mobile she was. Ella rolled right off the changing table counter, and she tried to catch her. It sounds like she grabbed her a bit to break some of the fall, but Ella definitely hit the tile ground hard enough to leave a nasty bruise and cause a bit of a bloody nose.

I opted to call the pediatrician's office, just to be safe. After playing a bit of phone tag with the triage nurse, I took my very-dear friend up on her offer to have her husband (also a soon-to-be pediatrician after graduating from medical school this week) take a look at her since he was nearby. I didn't follow all of his medical lingo, but ultimately he thinks that she looks okay. The bruise is on her forehead, and not the side where there could be more neurological concerns. She didn't lose consciousness, and didn't show any other signs of a concussion. By the time that we met up with him (about two hours after the fall--which is the most vital time), she was smiling and laughing and reaching for toys (and our cell phones). I made contact with the triage nurse at her pediatrician's office, who agreed with my very-dear friend's husband's evaluation.

I kept her with me the rest of the afternoon. I wanted to be able to monitor her, and I wanted to be able to comfort her. And selfishly, I wanted her to be able to comfort me. I wanted the reassurance of her sweet smiles to let me know that she would be okay. We're home now, and she ate her dinner and took her bath like nothing was wrong. She's nursing now, and I'd like to think that the swelling and bruising is going down...but maybe that's just wishful thinking.

Now I don't know what to do. It is completely inexcusable for a child to fall off the changing table in a daycare center. Yet at the same time, I realize that we're all human and we all make mistakes. I want to be compassionate, but I want Ella to be safe. I've been very happy with the center and the care providers, and while I'm obviously shaken up and rightly concerned, I don't know if pulling Ella out is necessarily the right answer. What's done is done, and I can't change it.

What do you think?

This was such a scary experience, and yet I have to say that it's a blessing that she wasn't more seriously injured--or at least it appears that way. It's a blessing she didn't lose consciousness, it's a blessing that my very-dear friend and her husband were able to give some medical advice, it's a blessing that my supervisor and colleagues were so understanding when I brought Ella back to the office, it's a blessing that the regular care provider called me this evening to check on Ella. I never want to go through this sort of scare again, but God is good in limiting her injuries to what appear to be bumps and bruises. But please pray for Ella--that she not be in too much pain tonight, and that she not have any lasting complications from this fall.

Range of Emotions

2011-05-08T13:36:00.000-07:00

This day--Mother's Day--has elicited a wide range of emotions over the last couple of years.

2007--my husband and I had just gotten married two months prior, I was still on birth control, but I was hopeful that I would someday be a mother.

2008--after trying for almost a year, I was starting to get a bit frustrated and started to fear I would never be a mother.

2009--by this point, I had suffered two losses, but was pregnant again on Mother's Day with what would be my third loss. I oscillated between wanting to celebrate and feeling like I had to demonstrate caution. Furthermore, I identified with being a "mother", even if no one else recognized my status.

2010--again, I was pregnant on Mother's Day--but this time with a heartbeat and a bump to show for it. Finally, the world was starting to recognize me as a something I felt I was since first learning I was pregnant the first time around. Finally, the day was barely--just barely--starting to become "sweet", and not only "bittersweet".

And now, here in 2011, I have my Ella. I woke up this morning feeling the same way I do on Christmas or my birthday. I have waited and waited for this day for so long, and now that it's here, I couldn't be happier. God is so good in making me a mom, and teaching me so much in the process.

I know that today is hard for so many, as it has been for me in the past. For those women who are still waiting with empty arms, I pray that God surround you with His comfort as He continues to prepare you for the journey which you are on.

Today's blessing is being able to celebrate finally being a mom. I know that Ella is truly a gift from God.

Redeemed

2011-05-03T07:58:00.000-07:00

No "walk of shame" this time. Ella was the perfect travel companion this time around. I think it definitely helped that we had direct flights and stayed within our own timezone.

We--Ella, my husband, and I--had a wonderful time in Seattle. We had gorgeous weather for most of the weekend, but I admit that I was glad to have some of the gloomy rain which is so characteristic of the Pacific Northwest this morning. It was just enough to remind me why I left Oregon for sunny Arizona.

Since I had to work on Saturday afternoon and throughout the whole day on Sunday, we weren't able to do and see (and eat) all that I was hoping to get around to. We saw a lot, but I definitely wouldn't mind going back sometime. And after eight years in the desert, I can't get enough good, fresh seafood.

Here are some pictures from our trip:

On our flight to Seattle

Obligatory touristy photo in front of the Space Needle

Ella was having a blast rolling around on the king-sized bed in the hotel

Family photo with Mount Rainier in the backgrond

Our next family trip won't be until late July when my whole family heads to Hawaii. Something tells me that life will be very different when we're travelling with a ten-month old! We got by just fine with the sling for three days...but we're definitely going to need to bring a stroller for our next trip.

Today's blessing is being home and rested. It really was a nice trip--even the work part was enjoyable. And it's also nice to know that we have the next weekend at home to ourselves.

Adventures and Blunders in Pumping at Work

2011-04-29T08:57:00.000-07:00

The $300ish I spent on a second pump so that I could leave it at work was the best $300ish I think I have ever spent! But even with this absolutely wonderful added convenience, I'm finding that I'm still running into all sorts of adventures and blunders when it comes to pumping at work.

I've been back to work for nearly a full semester, and have left a vital piece of the pumping equation at home at least a half-dozen times. I thought I would be smart and leave a back-up set of the hard breastshields at work, which would have saved me the first time I forgot the soft-shields (which I usually use)...except for I hadn't realized that they were missing the yellow part that holds the membrane. A quick trip to the store proved that I couldn't just buy that piece--I had to buy a full new set of the standard hard breastshields. But at least I now have a fully-functioning back-up set at work. Now, if I only had a back-up set of tubing, I wouldn't have had to turn away and drive home twenty minutes into my thirty minute commute. Luckily, that has only happened once...so far.

But it's not always a matter of remembering to bring my pumping pieces to work--I've also had the days when I forgot to bring the used pieces home to be sterilized. And then there was the day when I forgot the milk in the fridge at work and had to use frozen stuff the next day for Ella.

Thank God I have my own designated office all to myself, and my colleagues understand that if my door is closed and the screen is pulled that I'm "in a meeting" (which is code-word for pumping). So far, no one has walked in on me. I have had students drop by shortly after a pumping session when I've still had the milk sitting out on my desk, but they apparently didn't notice (or didn't mention it). But I do admit that I've stopped the pump but stayed hooked up in order to answer a phone call and then resuming my pumping when the call was through.

And then there was the day a week or so ago when I finished pumping right before leaving for the day, locked up my office, retrieved the rest of the milk from the fridge in the workroom at the end of the hall, walked out to the car...and noticed that my shirt was completely unbuttoned. I don't think I interacted with anyone on my way out the door, but who knows if anyone got a sneak-peak as I walked through the student-filled atrium.

I would love to breastfeed for at least the first year of Ella's life, which means making it through the summer and at least the beginning of the Fall semester. It would be my goal to be able to start the Spring 2012 semester without the pump under my desk. Life would be so much easier if I could just feed her straight from the breast each time, but overall, I'd say that I've got a pretty good pumping at work routine, despite the few blunders.

Today's blessing is the chance to head up to Seattle with my husband and Ella. I have to work a bit on Saturday, and most of the day Sunday, but I'm also looking forward to the chance to explore some of the city.

My Little Desert Tumbleweed

2011-04-27T19:49:00.000-07:00

I can't take credit for the term--I don't remember which mommy I picked it up from--but Ella has turned into a little desert tumbleweed. She is rolling all over the place, and it's the sweetest thing to watch.

On Monday, I stayed home because I wasn't feeling well, but it gave me an extra day with Ella. I was feeling pretty crappy, so I hung out on the couch and put Ella on the floor to see what she would do. Lately, she has preferred to sit up and play, but she obliged me with some extended tummy-time...which really turned into roll-all-over-the-living-room-time. At first, she seemed to just roll in one direction, and would just roll and roll and roll...until she got stuck against a wall. But this afternoon, she figured out that she can roll in both directions, both towards and away from me. I don't know who is having more fun--me or her!

In addition to rolling, she's also getting on her hands and knees and trying to crawl, but alas, she's mostly scooching backwards. But it's coming! She's definitely turning into a mobile baby...and soon, our lives will never be the same.

Today's blessing was a beautiful text picture from my childhood friend (after whom Ella is named) who had a handsome and healthy baby boy last week. God is good in His timing--she was admitted to the hospital last Tuesday night for preeclampsia...but her water broke naturally just a few hours later. I pray that we have a chance to meet each other's little ones soon.

Distracted

2011-04-19T19:49:00.000-07:00

Ella is developing quite the little personality. My in-laws taught her how to stick out her tongue, so now she thinks it's the coolest trick ever. And I have to admit--it's pretty cute. But the problem is that she seems to be distracted by this new trick when she is nursing. I want her to focus on eating, but it's pretty hard not to laugh at her.

And it's not just the tongue--she is also distracted by the other kids at daycare when I go to feed her on my lunch break. Actually, she's distracted by my husband as well if he walks through the room. He uses his strictest Daddy-voice and says "Eat your dinner, Baby Girl". She just smiles at him and sticks out her tongue.

It used to be that nursing her was my chance to do my bible study in the morning and catch up on my blog, facebook, email, or shopping in the evening. But lately she just wants to look at whatever it is that I'm looking at. She just pops off, looks around, and then pops back on. My mom has warned me that she may just yank the nipple when she wants to look around rather than popping off and on, so I'm sure that will be a lovely sensation to experience.

With the introduction of solids, I trust that she's getting all the nutrients that she needs. And she is definitely a focused eater first thing in the morning, and usually settles down after a while in the evenings. I don't want to give up my lunches with her, so I might just have to tolerate the distractions and cherish the chance to play if that's what she'd rather do. I guess this is just part of the growing up process--it's great to see her take an interest in everything around her, but I just wish she would focus on eating when it's time to eat!

Today's blessing was sleeping in...for a little bit. After traveling for work all weekend, I figured that I'm due a little time off (not to mention that I have two furlough hours that I'm required to take). It felt really good to not wake up at 5:00 am (however, I was up at 5:35 am when my husband's alarm went off...he, on the other hand, also decided to sleep in and didn't get out of bed until 8:00 am).

Walk of Shame

2011-04-18T19:07:00.000-07:00

I'm proud to report that I never had to do the "walk of shame" during my college years. You know the one...where guy/girl hooks up with guy/girl and spends the night and then has to walk home the next morning in what is either clearly their clothes from the previous evening or whatever they borrowed from that particular guy/girl with whom they have just spent the night. But I admit that I experienced my own kind of "walk of shame" last night (and don't worry--I promise I woke up in my own bed this morning).

So this was the weekend when Ella and I flew to New York for my work. I didn't want to worry about the hassle of doing bottles and pumping for a cross-country trip, so my mom met us to take care of Ella while I worked. All in all, it was a great weekend. Unlike when my in-laws visited, Ella really seemed to like my mom nearly right away (my mom was also really smart about giving Ella a few minutes to adjust before holding her). Ella was fabulous on our flight from Tucson to Denver (2 hours) and again from Denver to New York (3 hours). On the return trip, so was again fabulous from New York to Denver (my mom was on the same Denver-New York flights, which was great). But by the last leg of the flight, she was done. And who can blame her? She's 6-1/2 months and we're asking her to sit and play nicely on my lap all day long--with a three hour time change! About halfway through the last flight (9:00 pm Arizona time/midnight New York time), she melted down.

It was probably the saddest meltdown I have ever gotten from her--and of course it had to be on the plane. When Ella is upset, I can usually fix whatever is bothering her with a comfort nurse. So when she started to fuss, I immediately offered her the breast. It didn't work. I offered her the binky (which she has recently started to take more as a "toy" than as a "pacifier"). It didn't work. I held her tight and sang to her. It didn't work. I offered her the breast again. It still didn't work. Oh, and did I mention that I had a window seat? It was beautiful for viewing the full moon, but left me feeling pretty trapped with a screaming baby until I finally asked my neighbors to let me escape to the lavatory.

So there I was on my walk of shame down the aisle, with my beautiful screaming daughter in my arms and the whole plane shooting "shut your baby up" daggers in my direction. I avoided any possible eye contact and raced to the safety of the lavatory (which, by the way, I have never personally used). Of course, by the time I closed the door, Ella gave a little sigh, put her head on my shoulder and promptly fell asleep.

I then had a good cry, there in the lavatory, with the most amazing miracle sleeping peacefully in my arms. I was "that parent" that we all simultaneously loathe and pity. I felt so bad for interrupting everyone's flight, but I mostly felt bad that I wasn't able to comfort Ella.

She slept on my shoulder for the remainder of the flight. When we landed, a very kind gentleman sympathized with me and assured me that every parent on the flight understood. I thanked him for his understanding, but wanted to counter back that every non-parent probably hated my guts.

My mom was kind enough to point out that Ella did great for 9 hours and 55 minutes (not to mention the security line, layover, and luggage retrieval) and only fussed for 5 minutes. She's right. I need to focus on how well she did for so much of the trip, and not worry too much about the meltdown. But I've learned my lesson, and will try to get an aisle seat from now on in case I need to escape.

It was such a blessing to spend the weekend in New York with my mom. Ella and I both developed colds, but my mom was so great to us. It was so sweet to spend a three-generation with my mom and my daughter.

Prayers for Kristine

2011-04-11T08:29:00.000-07:00

It was right around this time last year that I shared that I had reached out to my best guy friend from college and learned that his wife has suffered a loss. The similiarities were just so unreal. A few months later, it was a blessing to learn that they were pregnant again with a strong heart beat.

I knew that she was due around mid-April, and I saw this facebook post from his parents this morning:

Healthy Baby (Reece) (7 lbs 20 inches) born today in Washington DC. Kristine needed to be transferred from home delivery to the hospital due to high blood pressure (started contractions 6 AM Sunday). She then needed an emergency c-section. She is currently in ICU. Prayers needed.

Please pray for my friend Kristine, my friend Kris, and Baby Reece.

Today's blessing is having my husband home from his camping trip with his guy friends. It sounds like it was a great weekend of fellowship, and I'm glad to have him renewed.

Baby Food Chef

2011-04-10T13:39:00.000-07:00

Call me old-fashioned, or frugal, or paranoid about preservatives, but I have decided to make our own baby food. I hadn't even consider that it was a simple-enough possibility until my former colleague told me that she was doing it for her daughter. So my birthday gift from my husband was some cookbooks and mini containers, and the promise that I could buy myself a new food processor when we got started.

A couple of weeks ago, I started by making some carrots and sugar snap pees. I wanted to start with a vegetable, so I went with the two the I enjoy the most, and hopefully Ella will enjoy them as well. Yesterday, I spent a lovely afternoon making baby food with my very dear friend and a new amazing friend (I'll need to find a good nickname for her here...). My in-laws brought melon straight from their garden (well, straight from their garden last summer and into the freezer). We also made up some zucchini and pees to add to the assortment.

We're introducing foods one at a time. I know that we're instructed to start with rice cereal, and that was my intent, but I apparently selected "multi-grains" infant cereal instead of plain-old rice cereal...oops! Thank God Ella didn't have any sort of reaction! Since then, she has gotten oatmeal and carrots, and the list will only continue to grow. She loves to eat. Scratch that--she LOVES to eat! Her little legs start kicking and her arms start pumping and she smiles and screeches and gets so excited. It's so fun to watch.

Making baby food is surprisingly simple. I'm just using my old little food processor, but after using my very-dear friend's fancy one yesterday, I think that I'm going to take my husband up on the offer to get a good one. And like I said, Ella seems to love it. But then again, she's only tasted my cooking...she might not think I'm that much of a chef as she is exposed to more and more in the future.

Today's blessing was some spring rain yesterday...though I'm sure it made conditions a bit challenging for my husband and his guy friends on their camping trip! After two years in Oregon, I'm finally able to appreciate a good spring rain in the desert, because I know that it will be sunny again soon--something I couldn't ever count on while I was living in the Pacific Northwest.

So Far, (Mostly) So Good

2011-04-06T11:56:00.000-07:00

Ella didn't know what to think of her grandparents when they arrived. She cried when my mother-in-law first held her. I think she's in that "stranger = danger" phase (and her regular daycare providers have commented on this as well when the "floaters" come into the infant room to help out). I thought that perhaps she would warm up if my mother-in-law fed her rice cereal that first night, but she again cried, even though I was sitting at the table as well. But she warmed up a bit the next day (even despite the shots from her six month appointment), and was all smiles by Tuesday morning when I left for work and she stayed home with my husband and her grandparents. She's home with the grandparents again today while both my husband and I are at work, and my mother-in-law just called to inform me that she seems to know that something is different but is happy enough.

My mother-in-law has made a few tiny comments that I'm trying to let slide, but for the most part, they are respecting our wishes in how we're raising our daughter. Ella fussed for a minute or two around 1:00 am the first night, and sure enough, they left her alone to fall back asleep. She has been waking up in the 4:00 am hour, which isn't quite normal, so I've been "trouble-shooting nursing" at that point, and praying that she'll go back to her 5:30 am wake-up after this week. They leave on Friday morning, so that gives us two more nights to get through, and then the weekend to recuperate.

I'm really trying to have a good attitude. My husband is disappointed that I've been going to bed early and haven't stayed up to visit and chat after Ella goes down. But I'm waking up at 1:00 am to pump, and waking up at 5:00 am to get ready for work, so sleep is very precious to me. I know that they love Ella very dearly, and the last thing that I want is any sort of friction. I just want Ella to be happy.

Today's blessing is seeing our trees start to bloom. We had a late freeze in the desert, so it seems like it's taken everything just a little longer to turn green. Slowly but surely, it's starting to feel like spring in the desert, and it's absolutely beautiful.

Grandparents

2011-04-03T16:35:00.000-07:00

My in-laws are due to arrive within the next hour or so. My husband is super excited to see his parents. I'm more...apprehensive.

For the most part, I really like my in-laws. They have been so amazingly good to me and welcomed me as part of the family when my husband and I were just dating. I'm definitely proud to be a part of his family. But things were a bit...frustrating...when they came to visit when Ella was born. Granted, we had both my parents and my in-laws together in the same house, with a new baby...and two sleep-deprived oh-my-God-this-is-awesome-but-I'm-also-a-little-overwhelmed-and-tired brand new parents. Which leaves me wondering how things are going to go this week.

My first concern is with sleeping. For the most part, Ella goes down really easily as part of her evening routine (eat, shower, story, nurse, sleep), but she will wake up from time to time in the middle of the night and fuss for a little bit (two minutes max). I intervene if she's legitimately "crying", but we don't pick her up if she's just "fussing" (there is a difference, am I right?). I worry that my mother-in-law will want to step in and fix the situation...even though Ella will usually just go back to sleep on her own. My husband has assured me that he'll instruct his parents to let us handle it, but then I worry what she'll think of me.

My second concern is that I'm bringing Ella into daycare tomorrow because she has a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. I know that my in-laws would be more than happy to watch her, but I don't want to leave Ella alone with "strangers" all day long, even if they are family. My husband is taking Tuesday and Thursday off, and I'll work a half-day each of those days, so I feel okay leaving her home then. And I'll even leave her alone with them on Wednesday. But by then, hopefully she'll be more familiar with them. I just hope that they aren't offended that I want to bring her into town with me tomorrow for her doctor's appointment (six month check-up that's been scheduled for two months). I can just seeing her telling all her friends that she drove all the way from Montana and I didn't let her spend any time with her granddaughter...

I'm probably worrying too much. I want to please everyone, and yet my main concern is Ella. I need to have a better attitude. I just pray that this week goes well and that Ella's routine isn't too disrupted. Sure, grandparents can "spoil" her with love and attention, but I just hope that it's in a way that is conducive to Ella's needs and not just their desires.

Today's blessing is a clean house. In my anxiousness to please the in-laws, my husband and I got the carpets cleaned and it makes the house look so much better.

How Is That Possible?!

2011-03-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

I have a six month old baby! How is that possible?! Where has the time gone?! How can I be so blessed to have this amazing little person be a part of my life for half of a year?! God is so good!

Ella is six months old today, and getting more beautiful, coordinated, fun, smart, and independent every day. She is such a joy, and now that she is a part of our lives, I can't imagine my life without her.

We made it all the way to our goal of exclusively breastfeeding for six months before introducing her to rice cereal this evening, which she seemed to love. She kept reaching for the cup where the rice cereal and breastmilk were mixed as if she understood that's where the food was. I think most of it made it's way into her belly, but I couldn't help myself but to laugh when she tried to blow bubbles into the mush.

If I'm this excited about her turning six months old, just think how ecstatic I will be when she is a year old! I have so to which to look forward. Like I said--God is so good!

Aside from the fun of feeding Ella rice cereal, today's blessing was the chance to write a letter of recommendation for a former colleague as she applies for a role similar to mine. She is currently a teacher, but has a daughter who is a week younger than Ella, and looking to do something that is more conducive to being a mom. It was such a blessing to reflect on the year that I spent with her on my staff.

Natural Highlights...or Gray?

2011-03-29T19:37:00.000-07:00

I'm a dirty blonde. Wait...perhaps that came out wrong...I should have said, "I have dirty blonde hair". So when I noticed last night that my hair seemed to have a little extra "shimmer" to it, I chalked it up to natural highlights from being out in the sun now that the weather is absolutely gorgeous in Arizona. But this afternoon, upon closer examination, I don't think that I can claim the "shimmer" as "natural highlights". I don't quite know how I feel about it, but I think I have gray hairs! Yes, "hairs"--plural!

It's not that I'm "opposed" to having gray hairs...I just don't think I'm "ready" to have them. Ella will be six months tomorrow--she's so little (and yet so big!), it just doesn't fit in my mind that a mother of a six month old would have gray hairs! And no, I'm not about to start dying my hair to hide them. For one, I've never dyed my hair before; but more importantly, I feel like this is who I am. I may be shocked at the gray hairs, but I don't feel like they are something that I need to cover up. Besides, they make me look "wise" and "distinguished"...right?

My greatest blessing from this last weekend was the chance to meet up with Jill from Hubby, Baby, and Me...Our Family of 3 and her beautiful Baby Girl. I have always admired Jill's honesty and thoughtful perspective. Since my husband's Army Reserve unit is located near Jill's home, Ella and I met up with Jill and Baby Girl for coffee and had a wonderful chat. Baby Girl is facing the possibility of a pretty major surgery, so please keep their family in your prayers.

For the First Time

2011-03-24T20:01:00.000-07:00

Ever since we got the bottle situation figured out at daycare (she takes about 6 ounce in the morning, I feed her at lunch, and another 6 ounces in the afternoon), I've been feeling better and better about her being there. Sure, part of me still wishes that I could be a stay-at-home mom, but for the first time today, I realized that daycare gives her something that I couldn't give her on a day-to-day basis: community.

While I was feeding her at lunch, one of the care providers started playing with the puppets, and the other older kids--between 8-10 months--quickly crawled over to join her on the mat. When Ella finished up, I brought her over to the group and sat with her for a few extra minutes before sneaking out. As I left, I peaked through the window to watch her for a bit and was just touched at how happy she seemed. She sat there, so confident and so poised, alongside the older kids. She just looked so comfortable and cozy and...grown-up. Okay, I know that she's not even six months yet, but she just looked like she was so content there among her friends.

For the first time, I felt good about leaving her and going back to work. For the first time, I smiled as I got back in my car. For the first time, I felt like maybe I really could balance being a good mom and a good employee. For the first time, I felt good--really good--about our arrangement. For the first time, I felt...peace.

Today's blessing was finishing a four-day week, and it feels so good to know that I'm taking tomorrow off! My husband and I are looking forward to bringing Ella to her first Cubs Spring Training game tomorrow. Aside from the sick days, this is my first real day off since going back to work in early January. I can't think of any better way to spend it!

From Pennies to Paperclips

2011-03-22T20:19:00.000-07:00

If you've been following my story for a while, you're probably familiar with how I keep an eye out for pennies and other coins. It all stems from my grandma's habit of picking up coins on her walks and then dividing them among our stockings at Christmas. When my mom started doing the same thing for Ella and her new cousin, I decided that I would join in as well. I am very proud that I found $4.86 in loose change during my pregnancy with Ella.

I realize that it's just a silly little habit, but when I went back to work in January, I admit that I was a little disappointed that I wasn't finding many pennies. I tried to keep an eye out for them, but perhaps I was just too busy or too stressed to notice. I mused that maybe God figured that I didn't need the pennies anymore after the raise and the promotion with which He blessed me.

But it was never about the monetary value--rather, it was more about the "warm fuzzies" that I got each time I found a coin. It was a moment of solidarity with my grandma and my mom--two amazing women who I love and want to emulate. And in my own special way, each coin felt like a "reminder" that God was looking out for me and my baby.

Lately, I haven't found many pennies, but I've noticed that I've been finding paperclips absolutely everywhere! Granted, I work in an office and the daycare affixes an invoice to our check-in sheet each week, so I'm bound to come in contact with them on a regular basis, but I'm finding them in unexpected locations. If I looked funny bending over to pick up pennies in the middle of the grocery store when I was eight months pregnant, I probably look just as silly bending over with a six month old in my hands to pick up a lost paperclip! Let others think what they want; and yes, I realize that they hold even less value than a penny, but it still makes me feel good to find either shiny little item. (I do, however, draw the line at staples--though I got a good chuckle when I opened my car door in a parking lot and saw a pile of dumped staples shining in the sunlight).

Today's blessing was hearing that Ella was back to her happy self after a rough day at daycare the day before. She has been sleeping so well lately, and was totally happy throughout the weekend, but then had a rough night on Sunday night, and just wasn't happy on Monday morning. It breaks my heart when she's upset, but God blessed her (and therefore us) with a good night sleep last night and lots of joy today.

Back to Back

2011-03-16T20:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I shared that a former colleague had lost her son in a stillbirth. This morning I found out that another friend didn't see a heartbeat after seeing one two weeks ago. It seemed like things were going so well in my own little world, and then just like that--back to back--two friends experience loss.

I know that just because I had a baby, all is not suddenly right with the world. Just because I got my happy ending doesn't mean that every story will finish like mine. I'm painfully aware that pregnancies end too soon, and that arms are still left empty. I now view life through a lense of what has been or what could be lost--but I also view life through a through a lense of what has been and can be gained. And although I recognize that we all process these experiences in different ways, I would imagine that these women will begin to do something similar.

Please pray for this friend as she recovers from the physical trauma of today's D&C and the emotional turmoil that comes from losing this baby that she desires.

This may sound insignificant, but today's blessing is qualifying for 2-day free shipping from Amazon so that I could order a book that helped me through my losses for each of these women. I hope to put together a little "survival kit" for each of them, the way that a friend did for me.

Thoughts and Prayers

2011-03-15T19:54:00.000-07:00

Thoughts and prayers go out to my former colleague who gave birth to a stillborn son yesterday. She's a beautiful woman of faith, and I know that she and her family would appreciate your prayers for God's comfort in this unfathomable pain.

Just like that, so many thoughts, reactions, emotions, and memories come flooding back. I'm sitting here with Ella in my arms, but she is the only person I could think of all day. My heart goes out to her.

In light of this sort of news, I'm reminded of God's blessings and goodness--even in challenging times. The passage I read this morning promises us that He will bring us through:

"I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God."

(Psalm 40:1-3)

Look What I Can Do!

2011-03-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

Ella mastered the art of sitting up by herself (as in, I can set her on an even surface and she can stay seated for a good ten minutes or so). We worked on it a bit on Friday morning and then again yesterday morning. By yesterday afternoon, she knew what to do. My husband didn't get to see her new trick before he left, but I was able to send him a video-text during his layover. We're pretty proud of her!

Today's blessing is that some friends from church invited Ella and I over for dinner since my husband is out of town. This is a new couple at church, and they live nearby, so I'm really looking forward to getting to know them better.

Single

2011-03-12T12:27:00.000-08:00

My husband left this morning for a week in Korea, which makes me a single mom for the next seven days.

When he first told me that he would be gone this week, I was initially disappointed that he would be gone during Spring Break. Unlike my students, I don't automatically get the week off...but it is usually a good time to take a day or two of vacation with him because everything slows down. However, with my new position, things don't appear to be slowing down! So instead, I'll work the whole week and hope to leave a little earlier than usual each day since I'll be doing our evening routine sans husband.

I admit that there have been times when I felt that my husband wasn't pulling his weight in caring for Ella. He's so squeamish about bodily fluids that I could probably count the number of times that he's changed her diaper on both hands (okay, maybe both hands and feet). And since we're still exclusively breastfeeding, he's off the hook in the feeding responsibilities. But he is the primary bottle-washer every single night, and it makes my life so much easier. And he adores Ella, and loves to play with her and teach her new things. Having the extra set of hands is pretty vital when I'm trying to prepare dinner and she's starting to do her "I'm getting tired and hungry" sort of fussing. Even with two parents, we're pretty much go-go-go from the moment we get home to the moment we go to bed. I know that I'll survive without him (it's only a week, right?), but I'm sure going to make sure he knows how much I appreciate him when he returns!

Today's blessing is the absolutely gorgeous Spring weather that we're having here in the desert! Ella and I went for a long walk today, and you couldn't ask for better weather! Sure, it gets hot in the Summer, but we're loving it for now!

Date Night

2011-03-10T19:46:00.000-08:00

My husband and I celebrated our four-year anniversary today. When he initially told me that he wanted to take me out to a nice dinner to celebrate, I found myself coming up with reasons why we shouldn't go out to celebrate. Admittedly, all of the excuses revolved around Ella.

First, we would need someone to watch her. Even though we have plenty of friends who would gladly entertain her, the last thing I want to do is hand her off to someone else after I haven't seen her all day. And she has been sleeping so well, that I don't want to mess with her routine. But we decided that we could make it work if we got an early dinner reservation, and my very-dear friend and her husband were more than happy to help us celebrate by taking Ella. They live near the steakhouse where my husband and I celebrated after our wedding, so it all felt fitting.

But I was torn all day today. Part of me was really excited to celebrate with my husband, while I simultaneously felt drawn to be with my baby. Even throughout dinner, I thoroughly enjoyed the time being a grown-up, and yet my arms felt strangely empty without her. Dinner was amazing, and we even opted to get dessert, but I was so anxious to pick her up.

And Ella, apparently, was just as anxious for our return. It turns out that she got fussy the moment we walked out the door. I feel bad, but my very-dear friend and her husband have a little boy who is two weeks younger than Ella so I know that they "get it" (not to mention that they are both soon-to-be pediatricians).

Knowing our lifestyle, it probably won't become a regular event to leave her with a babysitter while we go out, but I admit that it felt really good to spend some quality time with my husband. We even talked about how important it is for us to have these "date nights" from time to time.

Today's blessing was the chance to reflect on these last four years. We saw more heartache than I imagined when I said "I do" on March 10, 2007, but we have also been abundantly blessed in this time. Ella sits at the top, but it truly is a long list of blessings.

You're Scaring Me!

2011-03-07T19:34:00.000-08:00

I was totally excited for Ella to roll over from her back to her tummy...but now it's causing a new concern. Ella apparently prefers to sleep on her tummy, facing straight down into the mattress. I admit that it's truly got my concerned.

Today's research tells us to have babies sleep on their backs. I know that our mothers' generation instructed moms to have their babies sleep on their bellies, and my supervisor said that she was instructed to have her girls (now teens) sleep on their sides. I realize that plenty of people have turned out okay when not sleeping on their backs, but I also understand that "back is best".

I put Ella down on her back every night, and she'll fall asleep that way. But by the time I finish prepping her bottles and diapers for the next day, she has rolled over and is sleeping peacefully on her side or belly. I try to roll her back over to her back, but she gets fussy and immediately rolls over to her belly again. On Saturday night, this "she rolls-I roll-she rolls-I roll" routine went on for about an hour before I finally gave up and "compromised" that her head was sufficiently turned to the side.

Everyone has said that if she can roll over, then she's old enough/smart enough/strong enough/developed enough to do what she needs to do. My very-dear friend (the pediatrician who is working on a masters degree in Public Health) recently presented a paper on how keeping a fan going in an infant's room can drastically reduce the risk of SIDS, so we have done that. We also took off the bumpers and don't have any other blankets or stuffed animals in the crib. So I trust that we have done all that we can to make it a safe space for her. But I can't help but feel like I did throughout the pregnancy when I was just praying that God would keep her heart beating--except for now I'm praying that He keeps her breathing throughout the night.

This isn't the first time I've worried about her, and I know it sure won't be the last. This morning, I found myself just wanting to fast-forward through the next month or so until she is old enough to safely sleep on her tummy without any concerns, but I know that's not the answer either. All I can do is trust God...and check on her multiple times throughout the night.

We were blessed yesterday with the chance to visit with some good friends who moved about two years ago. My husband and I really appreciate their friendship, and it was great to be able to introduce them to Ella.

Who Me? Competitive? Never! (Okay...Maybe A Little)

2011-03-05T09:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay...I admit that I'm a little competitive. I realize that every baby is different and develops at different rates, but I can't help by want Ella to be the brightest and smartest baby around.

Over the last few days, Ella has gotten so close to rolling over from back to tummy. She would swing her top leg over, but her bottom arm seemed to keep getting stuck under her. There is another baby who is three days older than Ella at daycare, and the care providers told me that she had rolled over on Thursday. Of course, I immediately started doing the math in my head: if she is three days older than Ella, and she rolled over on Thursday, then than means that Ella needs to roll over by Sunday to be on par. Sure enough, I went into the nursery this morning to get Ella...and there she was, on her tummy.

I think it's one thing to want Ella to grow and develop and meet her milestones appropriately, but I need to remember not to push her too much. And I need to keep in mind that every baby develops differently. We all develop different strengths and weaknesses that make us who we are, and babies aren't any different. I want to always encourage and inspire her to do her best, and sometimes that does mean pushing her a bit. But I don't want her to resent me for pushing too much or comparing her to others.

Yesterday's blessing was the chance to have dinner with some good friends after a long week. I felt bad that I had to leave a bit early to put Ella down, but it was fun while it lasted!

I Think I Can, I Think I Can!

2011-03-01T19:27:00.000-08:00

I think I can make it all the way to six months with exclusively breastfeeding! I know that they say that we can introduce solids (ie, rice cereal) at 4-6 months, but from what I understand, there is less of a risk of allergies when a baby is introduced to solids closer to the six month mark.

There was a point in time when I first started back to work and daycare was feeding Ella more than what I was pumping, and I was just praying that I would get to four months. But then we got into a routine and figured things out, and I seemed to be breaking even every day. As long as I went and fed her during my lunch break, I could get about 10-12 ounces in my 3-4 pumping sessions, and this would provide two 5-6 ounce bottles--one for the morning and one for the afternoon.

Now that Ella is sleeping through the night, I'm coming out ahead on the bottle count because I'm pumping in the middle of the night. So I'm essentially producing three bottles' worth per day, and she is going through two. There are still some days when I can't make it in to see her at lunch and she'll take three bottles, but let's just say that I'm running out of space in the freezer.

In fact, I've switched up my routine when it comes to prepping her bottles. Up until recently, I always fed her the "oldest" stuff--meaning, I froze whatever I pumped, and defrosted a bag for each bottle over night for the next day. But then I started thinking--why not just give her the "fresh" stuff? It's probably better for her in a lot of ways (and saves me a few steps as well). I can freeze any surplus and use that on days when I can't join her during my lunch break. I wish I had thought of this sooner...but I guess it's just part of the whole "figure it out as I go" mystery that is breastfeeding.

Today's blessing was the chance to chat with my sister-in-law. Yesterday was her first day at home alone with my niece. It's so nice to be able to have "mommy conversations" with her as we share this new adventure of parenthood together.

Bad Colleague; Good Mother

2011-02-25T14:52:00.000-08:00

One of my colleagues invited me out to lunch today. It seems like about half of my coworkers took the day off, and the other half all decided to go out to lunch together. It was very sweet that they reached out to me and asked me to join them, but I told them that I was going to see Ella.

This has been a crazy busy week (actually, it's been a crazy busy month!), and I didn't get to spend my normal lunch hour with Ella on Wednesday or Thursday. If I had missed just one day or the other, perhaps I would have taken my colleague up on the offer, but I wanted to see my baby!

The colleague graciously understood, and promised to invite me along next time. When I was lamenting to my closest friend in the office that I feel like a bad colleague for not hanging out with others in the office, she sweetly pointed out that I'm being a good mother (and assured me that I'm not a bad colleague). But I can't help but feel a bit bad. We hired three new staff members right before I went on maternity leave, and I haven't really had a chance to truly bond with them. And I admit that I kind of miss the break-room conversations that I enjoyed on a nearly-daily basis. But I want to be a good mother, first and foremost, and for me, that means spending my lunch break with Ella whenever I can.

Today's blessing was the chance to leave work early (though I'm sure it also contributes to my feelings of being a bad colleague). I worked almost a full day on Saturday, came in early all week, left late two nights, and worked through most of my lunch break on two days, so I think that I definitely earned the right to leave two hours early today. It feels so nice to come home and not feel rushed for once. Once my husband gets home, we're heading back into town to meet up with some friends for happy hour (yes, I will be "that person" with a baby in a bar...though they tell me it's a "family-friendly establishment"...and my very-dear friend will also be there with her baby boy). No drinks for me, but it will still be a blessing to visit with our friends.

Yep...Spoke Too Soon

2011-02-23T18:56:00.000-08:00

Okay, so the last two nights have not been nearly as glorious as the two weeks or so that led up to them. Ella has woken up with more than a whimper, and therefore so have I.

I want to believe that she's teething, but I just don't know. She drools constantly and puts just about everything in her mouth. I can't feel anything that definitely feels like a tooth, and trying to look inside is proving to be more challenging than I had initially imagined (you try examining the gums of a five-month old who is blowing bubbles, wiggling her tongue, and sucking). I think I noticed two little white spots where her bottom center teeth would be, so we'll see what happens.

It's tough to figure out if she is indeed teething. I've read that the average baby gets teeth at 7 months, though they can come sooner or later. Ella is a week shy of 5 months, so it is a little on the early side. She's been pulling at her ears when she is upset as well, which could be an ear infection...but could also be another symptom of teething since the nerves run up towards the ear. (She's nursing just fine, whereas it would be expected that she would be fussy when nursing if it were an ear infection because of the pressure...but again, it's just so hard to tell).

So, I guess things aren't perfect in terms of consistently sleeping through the night...but I know that she has it in her!

Today's blessing is the chance to celebrate my birthday at home with my husband and my baby. I'm now 32, which isn't any sort of significant year. But it dawned on me this morning that I should probably call my parents and wish them a "Happy Birthday" as well. Sure, the anniversary of my birth is significant for me; but really, if you think about it, it's just as special for my parents...just as Ella's birthday is always going to be a special day for me. God has given me a pretty amazing life, and the best gift I could ask for is this opportunity to be a mom.

Sleep, Glorious Sleep

2011-02-22T19:17:00.000-08:00

Dare I say it? I don't exactly believe in "jinxes", but I do know that I sometimes have a tendency of speaking too soon. Let's hope nothing changes...

Ella has successfully slept all the way through the night. (Or at least we think that she has).

There! I said it! (Please Lord, don't let me be speaking too soon!)...(and I feel bad for sharing this when other blogging friends have recently shared their struggles with sleep patterns, but this is just where we are in our lives).

This whole process of getting her to sleep through the night actually started about a month ago when we transitioned her to her crib (and by "transitioned", I simply mean "we kicked her out of the cradle in our room"). For the first couple of nights, I would nurse her when she cried in the middle of the night. But then her middle-of-the-night cries turned into simply middle-of-the-night whimpers. They were enough to wake me up, but they were mild enough that she was able to go back to sleep on her own. We are leaving a night-light on in her nursery, and we initially turned a humidifier on to help with her cold and to act as white noise. But her cold has gotten (mostly) better, and she seems to be doing fine without the noise.

I thought she had made it all the way through the night last Thursday, but my husband had fallen asleep on the couch and admitted that he heard her whimper a bit around 3:00 am before falling back to sleep on her own. The same thing happened Friday night. But we *think* that she made it all the way through the night without a sound on Saturday night, and again on Sunday night (though I admit that she did wake up around 3:45 am last night/this morning...so we're not perfectly there quite yet).

I'm thrilled that she's getting such good sleep...but I admit that I'm waking up in the middle of the night to pump. For one, I usually wake up after about six hours feeling engorged (or even leaking). So I pump to relieve the fullness. But I'm also trying to keep my supply up--both internally and externally--so I feel obligated to make this sacrifice (but I admit that it sure isn't easy some nights). Even so, 15 minutes of pumping in the dark is about the third of the time that it would take to nurse her. It's not nearly as enjoyable, but it is more efficient.

I know that her sleep patterns will probably change as she goes through growth spurts and teething...and later on we'll deal with potty-training and nightmares. But for now, I'm just so proud of her for getting to the point where she can sleep for extended periods of time.

Yesterday's and today's blessings are the chance to celebrate the birthdays of two of my really good friends. My maid-of-honor (who painted the butterflies in Ella's room and drove home with me for my shower) celebrated her birthday yesterday, and another bridesmaid (who is 39 weeks pregnant) celebrated her birthday today. What these friends offer in friendship is so vastly different, but I can't imagine my life without either one of them.

We Took The Plunge!

2011-02-19T20:09:00.000-08:00

We did it! We took the plunge and bought a dozen cloth diapers!

We decided to go with BumGenius (4.0), and we're very pleased with them so far. My mom had gotten us two of the earlier versions when Ella was born, and although it took us four months to finally decide to invest in more, I'm very glad that we did. And Ella seems perfectly happy in them--which is what really matters. She's even sleeping wonderfully in them (more on that later).

For now, we're using them at home at night and on the weekends, but it sounds like daycare will entertain the idea of using them there during the day as well. We're still working out some of the details, but it looks like it might happen. I don't want to push the topic too much if the caregivers don't feel comfortable with them, but it would be great if they did embrace them like we have.

Today's blessing was getting through a long and busy day of work. We had a huge event that I was in charge of coordinating, and everything went really well (aside from just a handful of little glitches that I think I can fix). I'm very blessed to work with some awesome colleagues and students who helped everything go so smoothly.

I Said "Please"!

2011-02-16T20:03:00.000-08:00

Just a quick funny story tonight...

I had a long day, so I was thrilled when my husband offered to get Ella undressed and hand her to me in the shower so that I could have a few moments to myself. But I apparently was taking just a little too long, because I was washing my face when he showed up with a naked baby in his arms. From under the water, I heard him say "Okay Baby Girl...please don't pee on Daddy"...followed almost immediately with "Oh Baby Girl! I said 'Please'"!

Yep! Ella peed on her daddy. And my husband is totally and completely squeamish about anything and everything related to bodily fluids. Needless to say, he then opted to take a shower after us. I admit that after the long day I had, I definitely needed that little laugh.

I was blessed yesterday to visit with a former colleague and friend before she moves to Portland next week. This is the friend who spent a year in Scotland, and we had intended to visit her...but then I got pregnant. She has been such a great friend and sounding board--both professionally and personally--and I'm really going to miss her. But I'm very excited for her and her husband as they embark on this new adventure.

Hearts

2011-02-14T19:53:00.000-08:00

I brought home my first arts and crafts project from Ella today as a Valentine's Day gift. At daycare, they made each mom a little flower with a heart in the center that had their baby's footprints in it. They gave it to me when I went at lunch to feed her, and as I drove away, it occurred to me that this is just the first of many arts and crafts projects to come. I need to find a good keepsake box for all of them.

I got my construction paper heart this year, but it was around this time last year that I was anxiously awaiting my first ultrasound and praying that I would see a real heart. My appointment with the RE was scheduled for February 16th, and I may have even told my husband that all I wanted for Valentine's Day was to see a heartbeat. God answered my prayers, and I'll never forget the relief that came when I saw that little flicker of Ella's beating heart.

We all know that the heart has come to symbolize "love", but those of us who have survived losses recognize that the heart truly symbolizes "life". My heart broke time and time and time again with each loss, but God helped me to find the strength to piece it back together. And in doing so, I think that my own capacity to love and appreciate life grew. God is so good in giving me the desires of my heart. Even now, I am overwhelmed with emotion when I feel Ella's little heart beating or when I put my ear to her chest and listen to the tiny "thump-thump; thump-thump".

As for my blessing, it would be too cliche to say that my husband is my Valentine's Day blessing. Rather, a very sweet friend surprised me at work this afternoon to bring me a little bag of candy. It was very thoughtful, totally unexpected, and was really the highlight of my busy afternoon.

A New Cousin!

2011-02-11T19:01:00.000-08:00

I'm so very excited to share that my brother and sister-in-law welcomed their own baby girl into the world this morning! After her previous late-term loss, my sister-in-law was scheduled to be induced at 6:30 this morning, just one day shy of 39 weeks. But the baby had other plans, and labor started at 3:30 am. Brooke Elliott arrived at 9:03, and both mommy and baby (and daddy) are doing well. We're all so excited that Ella now has a new cousin!

What a blessing that God answered my prayers for a "boring, uneventful, uncomplicated" labor and delivery for my sister-in-law. I absolutely adore my sister-in-law, and think I would be good friends with her even if she weren't married to my brother, but even she will tell you that she's a worrier. God really provided in blessing her with a pretty "easy" experience (as easy as labor and delivery can be, of course).

All The Credit Goes To Ella

2011-02-09T19:22:00.000-08:00

I fit into my size 4 pants again this morning! This was the pair that I bought right before I got pregnant...or maybe right after I found out I was pregnant and figured I wanted to look good if this pregnancy ended up like the others. Sure, perhaps they were a little on the snugger side when I first put them on, but they looked good by the time I walked out the door.

But I can't take any of the credit for losing my pregnancy weight. Really, all of the credit goes to Ella. Breastfeeding is by far the most enjoyable "workout" that I've ever experienced.

To be honest, I've still got a bit of a pooch in the belly. And if I wear a tighter shirt, I admit that I've got a little "muffin top" that's visible. But overall, I'm pretty happy with how I look and feel these days. And the funny thing is--I've never actually been a size 4. You see, I wore a back-brace for Scoliosis for three years during Junior High and my Freshman year of High School (talk about some formative years!), so it seems like I went from shopping in the Girls section to a Junior size 9 over night. I missed out on a lot of opportunities to walk by and check myself out in a mirror and think "I look good!".

But it's not just the looking good--it's the feeling good as well. Sure, we're now on our second cold of the season (this one is not nearly as bad as the first), and I'm not getting my full eight hours of beauty sleep each night, but I'm absolutely loving being a mom. I may not always know the perfect thing to do, but it does feel so right.

Today's blessing was the chance to eat lunch with my colleagues. I've been going over to feed Ella pretty much every day, but I volunteered to help out a colleague today, which meant I had a shortened lunch. So I ate in the breakroom--like I had for the last three years before Ella entered my life. I missed my usual lunch visit with her, but I think that it's also valuable to spend time with my colleagues.

So Fortunate

2011-02-04T19:14:00.000-08:00

I've been going over to the daycare center to feed Ella during my lunch break every chance I get. The other day, a new mom came in with her 8-week old baby to check out the facility. The main care provider in the infant room went through the standard procedures, which includes bringing in enough clean and sterile bottles for the day (they recommend five). For babies who take formula, the care providers will prepare the bottles, but they don't clean or sterilize the bottles. The new mom appeared visibly distressed when she heard that she would need five bottles. She whipped out her cell phone and called someone and asked them if they could get $10-$20 for her so that she could buy more bottles, explaining that she only had two bottles at home.

Two bottles. Two bottles for a formula-fed baby. Even with nursing Ella, I've got to have more than a dozen bottles between the feeding bottles and the pumping bottles. My husband even suggested that we buy more so that we wouldn't have to sterilize them every night (which I turned down--if we're going to be sterilizing the pump parts, we might as well sterilize the bottles and nipples).

I wanted to offer to run out to my car and get the $20 bill that's hidden away for emergencies, but I didn't think that it was my place. I had the same urge when I saw her and her baby waiting at the bus stop down the road when I was driving back to work. My heart goes out to her, and I'm reminded that I am so incredibly fortunate to have the means to provide for Ella. She might not have every single gadget available to a newborn, but we definitely have more than enough.

(The next day, the new mom apparently showed up with her two bottles, claiming that no one told her that she needed more. She hasn't come back since.)

Today's blessing was that Ella slept well again last night. She woke up around 3:00 to eat, but then right back to sleep. Thank you so much for your kind words and wisdom about sleep regression. Let's hope that she can move on now.

What Happened?

2011-02-03T18:01:00.000-08:00

For the last two weeks or so, I've been wondering what happened to my sweet baby girl who woke up once in the middle of the night to feed and went right back to peaceful sleep. I don't know why, but Ella has not been sleeping well lately.

There was one night where we put her down at 8:30ish, and she woke up at 10:00 pm, midnight, 2:00 am, and 4:00 am. She would eat when I offered her the breast, but she would fall asleep halfway through...but then wake up and fuss when I put her back down. I needed my sleep, so I started to just bring her into bed with us to nurse so that I could snooze a bit too, but I hated that I was reinforcing bad habits and putting her at risk to be in our bed with us (I still have nightmares from time to time about losing her in the blankets). I felt like I was handling the interrupted sleep decently, but my husband started to get rather snappy as the nights wore on.

Ella has been in the cradle in our room, but my (tired) husband put his foot down and said that she needed to go to her crib. I shouldn't say it like that--it wasn't in a forceful way; rather, he's just very logical and matter-of-fact in his approach and thinks it's time. He also thinks it's time to let her fuss, and the pediatrician agrees that there is value in helping a baby learn to self-soothe (assuming that all of her other needs are met). And they're probably right. I've noticed that there is a distinct difference between Ella's "fuss" and her "cry". It breaks my heart, but I can tolerate the little fussing and whimpering...but I draw the line and intervene when it escalates to a true cry.

I've been racking my brain to see if there is anything else that could be bothering her. Perhaps it's a growth spurt, or maybe she's teething. She was in a cloth diaper the first three nights, so I considered that maybe she didn't like that. And then I realized that I've been sneaking chocolates from the candy tray at work. I was so good at abstaining when I was trying to get pregnant and then was pregnant, but I've let myself indulge in the occasional piece from time to time (okay, maybe it's more frequent than I'd like to admit). But I stayed away yesterday, and what do you know--Ella was back to her one feeding! I can't pin all the blame on chocolate just quite after only one night, but I resisted the urge to eat any today as well to further put my theory to test. I sure enjoy my sweets, but I think I value sleep a little more--not only for me, but for Ella as well.

It was wonderful to wake up once last night. If anything, I guess I can say that the relapse into waking every couple of hours made me appreciate that singular feeding so much more. I think that the middle-of-the-night feeding is also helping to keep my supply up, which is important to me, so I'm genuinely trying to embrace it in that regard. We'll eventually need her to sleep all the way through the night, but what we have is so much better than the alternative. And besides--I like my time with her.

Today's blessing is recognizing that my husband and I make a pretty good team. Our pipes froze overnight, but yet we somehow got them working and both made it out the door on time (without forgetting anything). And with frozen pipes and gas outages nearby, I'm reminded of just how blessed I am to have a home and utilities.

Playing Favorites

2011-01-31T19:35:00.000-08:00

Ella had her four-month check-up today, and our pediatrician came right out and told us that Ella is one of her favorite little patients. Perhaps she says that to all of the new moms, but I'd like to think that she was being genuine.

Ella is doing really well. Her growth looks great, and the pediatrician was impressed with all of her developmental milestones. Ella was super happy throughout the entire appointment and flashed her sweet smile...all the way up until the shots. As can be expected, she screamed and her poor little face turned bright red. I nursed her as soon as the bandaids were in place, and she settled down within a few moments.

Since her appointment was in the mid-afternoon, I just brought Ella back to my office with me rather than bringing her back to daycare. After the excitement of the appointment and the agony of the shots, she took a good nap and let me finish up a few little projects. She was happy this evening, which leads me to believe that she's feeling okay at this point.

My blessing of the day was the chance to visit with my former colleague who is pursuing her dream of being a nurse. It was great to see her in her element while we were at the hospital (although we were interrupted a half dozen times by hospital staff who kept commenting on how cute Ella is).

Mommy Brain

2011-01-28T17:11:00.000-08:00

I had a horrible case of "Mommy Brain" this week. It lasted for about 24 hours...and I'm hoping that's the end of it. Listen to what I did:

First, I booked my flights to New York and Seattle (I've decided to bring Ella with me and meet my mom in New York) under the wrong name. I booked them through one of the online travel services, and apparently I've had the account since before I got married, because I selected my maiden-name. I noticed it almost immediately, and called customer service. Even though it clearly says "no name changes" online, they were able to help me. But they had to cancel my flight, refund the credit card, and have me rebook a new flight--which wouldn't be such a big deal if I had purchased the flight on my own credit card, but I felt pretty stupid explaining it to our Office Administrator.

That evening I had to work late, and would also be working late the following night. So my husband and I agreed that I would just pick up pizza to eat both nights. He was home with Ella and submitted the order online, but then I drove past the exit without evening noticing. I realized that I passed the exit...as I was passing the next exit. Our exit is then five miles beyond that second exit. So I had to backtrack about 10 miles to get dinner.

Then the next morning, I pulled into the daycare parking lot and realized that I had left Ella's bottles at home (about a half-hour away). Of all the days to forget them, this was actually the best day, since my husband would be coming into town to take a test. He didn't want to come into town right away (three hours before his test), so we compromised and I took a "breakfast break" instead of a "lunch break" and went over to feed Ella in the mid-morning. He then dropped off her bottles right before his test (which he passed, by the way).

My goodness! Each blunder worked out okay, but gosh did I feel stupid with each one. I'm now praying for clarity and the ability to focus--especially since we're heading into a busy time at work (and I'm in charge of the bulk of it).

Yesterday's blessing was the chance to help someone out with buying a tank of gas. I was running on empty myself, so stopped on my way into work to fill up. An elderly gentleman approached me and explained that he had left his wallet at home, and that he needed $10 to get home. I rarely have cash, but actually did for once. I only had $8, but he said that would do. He asked if he could reimburse me, but I just suggested that he "pay it forward". It felt nice to know that God put him on the opposite side of the pump from me, and put the money in my pocket for a reason (and yes, I saw him indeed go inside to pay and then come back out and pump).

More Travel Advice, Please!

2011-01-23T19:41:00.000-08:00

I'm planning on traveling again in a couple of months, but I need to make the arrangements now. I was selected by my supervisor to travel to New York and Seattle on two separate trips in April/May. I'm really looking forward to this opportunity, but I'm trying to figure out what to do with Ella--take her with me, or leave her home?

Seattle is no problem--my husband went to school in the area and has always wanted to bring me to see his old stomping grounds. Since I'll be flying and staying for work, he just needs to buy a plane ticket and all three of us will head out a day early to see the sights. Like I did when Ella and I flew home for my sister-in-law's baby shower, we'll just carry her in the Baby Bjourn and leave the carseat at home. (This might sound really ignorant, but I can just bring her in a carrier on public transportation...right? My mom had a carseat in her car for our last trip home).

But I'm trying to figure out what to do about New York. My husband has Army Reserve drill that weekend, so he can't come with me (and he's not too keen on the craziness of such a big city). Nor can he take care of Ella. So I essentially have two options: 1) leave her at home with someone; or 2) take her with me and have someone watch her while I work.

Option 1: My very-dear friend has graciously agreed to care for Ella for the weekend when I'm gone, and since she has an abundance of breastmilk, she even offered to let Ella have her milk so that I wouldn't have to worry about pumping 100+ ounces for the long weekend. (It's not ideal, but I think I'm okay with this, as I totally trust her and it would make my life so much easier). But even if Ella is fed for the weekend, there is still the problem with my milk. It would take me nearly all day to fly from Arizona to New York, so I would have to worry about the hassle of pumping whenever I had a chance (before the flight, during the layover, etc.). More and more airports have "family rooms", so I could try to find a place to hide away and pump, but there's no guarantee. How humiliating would it be to have to pump in the middle of a public restroom? I could bring a hand-pump, but I don't know how effective it would be. Then there is the issue of either dumping the milk (which breaks my heart) or storing it and bringing it back with me (which wouldn't be the easiest thing to get a fridge in our hotel room and transport it through security and back across the country).

Option 2: Fly to New York with Ella and have my mom meet us there. My mom had planned on coming to visit us in Arizona for her birthday in late February, but that's also shortly after my sister-in-law is due, so I don't think she'll want to leave her brand new grandbaby. She figures that if she has to fly to Arizona, it wouldn't make that much of a difference to fly to New York instead. The clear benefit would be that I wouldn't have to worry about pumping during our travels--just during the portion of the day when I'm working. And I wouldn't have to worry about missing my baby and I would get to see my mom (and my mom would get to see Ella). However, my husband thinks it's silly to traipse Ella all over the country and expose her to an airplane full of germs. She did great on the trip home and back, but she's going to be just over six months at the time of the New York trip, so who knows how she'll act.

So what are your thoughts? Should I bring her with me and meet my mom there, or leave her at home with my very dear friend? I realize that there are plenty of business-women-mommies out there who travel all the time...how do they do it?

Today's blessing was the chance to go to church and see all of our friends again. I was absolutely too sick to go last week, and was home for the shower the week before (and was too sick to go to my home church either). As part of our bible study for married couples, we talked about when we first knew that our spouse was "the one". It really was a blessing to hear such special moments in our friends' lives, and to be reminded of what my husband saw in me that made him think that he wanted to marry me.

Less Is More

2011-01-20T19:54:00.000-08:00

I've been mostly happy with our daycare (granted, Ella was there for the first week, and then home or at work with me for the second week when we were both sick). But I'm running into a little bit of a problem when it comes to feeding Ella.

It turns out that Ella is only one of two breastfed babies, so I feel like there is a bit of a lack of knowledge--or at least a lack of appreciation--when it comes to feeding her. Their policy is to have the parent bring in five clean and sterilized bottles everyday, and then bring them home to clean and sterilize them each night. They provide formula if the parents want it, or we can bring in our own breastmilk. They are fine with us bringing in milk in the storage bags and they will prepare the bottles for us--which seemed like a great time-saving strategy to make my life easier.

But that's where we're running into a problem. Back at her two month appointment, our pediatrician said that based on Ella's birthweight and growth, that she should be taking in 2-1/2 to 3 ounces in each feeding (on roughly a 2-1/2 to 3 hour feeding schedule). I obviously don't know exactly how much she is getting when she feeds straight from the breast, but from what I understand, what I produce in an independent pumping session should more or less match what she normally gets in a session straight from the breast, based on the elements of breastfeeding supply and demand.

I have shared this 2-1/2 to 3 ounces every 2-1/2 to 3 hours with the daycare providers, but we're running into problems. First, the bags I had held 5 ounces, so I was just filling them up with the assumption that they would only pour out 2-1/2 to 3 ounces at at time (and use the remaining milk in the next bottle), but this ended up being troublesome for the providers. So I suggested that I would just add 2-1/2 to 3 ounces per bag so that they could just pour it all into one bottle and not worry about the remaining milk.

But before I had a chance to transition to the small bags, they insisted that Ella wanted more than 3 ounces, and started to fee her 5 ounces. They were amazed that Ella finished off her bottles so quickly--and I agree that she does drink it really fast. But that doesn't necessarily mean that she's still hungry. They also pointed out that she cries a bit when she finishes the bottle--but I think that's simply because her bottle is empty, and not that she is still hungry. She's easily distracted and happy enough after a moment. So they were rushing through all of my hard-earned milk at a pace that I couldn't keep up with--even with pumping every two hours at work.

I did the math, and during the 9-1/2 hours that she is at daycare (I have an 8 hour work day, with an hour lunch break, plus a half hour for travel), they were feeding her 25 ounces (5 bottles that were 5 ounces each). When she is home with me, I figure that she is getting closer to 12 ounces in the same amount of time (2-1/2 to 3 ounces every 2-1/2 to 3 hours). That's more than double what I'm giving her!

So I talked with the morning care provider in the infant room this morning. She was the one who had initially said that Ella wanted more, but when I shared my concern, she agreed that 5 ounces was probably too much, and she assured me that she aims to feed Ella at around 3 hour intervals. I felt a little bit bad that I was telling her how to do her job, but this is my daughter that we're talking about here! We essentially compromised that they would feed her 4 ounces in each bottle until I can talk to the pediatrician at her next appointment in two weeks. Who knows--maybe she really is hungry? An extra ounce isn't going to hurt her...but I still fear that I'm not going to be able to keep up. I'm getting right around 3 ounces each time I pump, and I'm pumping as much as I can at work. Today I squeezed in five pumping sessions, and went over to feed her at lunch. I had initially planned on trying to get over to nurse her once per week, but I feel like I need to try to get over there as much as I can in order to save as much milk as possible. I know that I can introduce rice cereal at four months, but I was hoping to wait to six months. I just hope I can get enough milk to get us through the next two months!

Any thoughts? Should I have just listened to the caregivers? Should I have insisted on only 3 ounces? How much breastmilk should a 4 month old drink? When did you (or when will you) introduce rice cereal and other solids?

Today's blessing was the chance to see some of my students again. It's been very rewarding to reconnect with them (in between all my pumping sessions). If I can't be with my own child during the day, at least I get to work with all my great "kiddos" at work.

In Sickness And In Health

2011-01-17T10:10:00.000-08:00

When my husband and I got married, we did the traditional vows. As I've been battling this nasty cold, I've been reminded of the words to love each other through sickness and health (though the best way that we can love each other right now is to sleep in separate rooms to try to keep him well). In typical fashion, we said those vows when we became a family of two on our wedding day. But then I started thinking--what about when we became a family of three? What vows would I share with Ella?

For starters, I vow:

to tell you I love you every day.
to clean up the spit-up on you before the spit-up on me.
to pray for you each night when you go to sleep.
to let you play in the dirt and make messes.
to give you chores and help you to learn to be responsible.
to let you make your own fashion mistakes.
to admit when I am wrong.
to push you to be your best without pushing you too far.
to tell you about your family.
to take lots of pictures to capture your childhood.
to tell you how beautiful you are even in the awkward years.
to punish you when necessary.
to listen to your side when we disagree.
to be your biggest encourager.
to read to you.
to bring you camping.
to play sports with you in the yard.
to teach you how to bake and cook.
to save money to help pay for college.
to love your Daddy.
to help you discover who you want to be.
to lead you to Christ.
to live a life that will make you proud to be my daughter.

I know my list will grow as time goes on and she and I learn more and more about each other. Some will be easy and enjoyable to accomplish; others, not so much.

What vows did you (or will you) make to your child? I'd love to hear what others have to say.

Today's blessing is that I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better. The gunk in my chest is definitely starting to loosen up, and though I have to endure some pain in my ribs to cough it up, clear my throat, or blow my nose, it does feel good to get it out of my system. I pray that Ella and I both continue to heal today so that I can return to work tomorrow.

From Bad to Worse

2011-01-15T09:09:00.000-08:00

It was bad enough when I was coughing, sneezing, sniffling, and shaking with chills and a fever. But now I can add a busted rib to the list as well.

I've been having this horrible unproductive cough. At times, it becomes a "'Honey, take the baby'-knock me to my knees-'Oh my God, I can't breath!'" I cough and cough and cough and wheeze and call out for water or a cough drop, or beg my husband to pull my lungs out so that I can scrape all the gunk out of them. I had one of those episodes yesterday shortly before my husband got home from work. But at the end, I had this horrible sharp pain in my right ribs. It hurt when I coughed, but it also hurt to simply take a deep breath. It hurts with just the slightest movement as well.

I didn't think it was possible, but we confirmed with my doctor sister-in-law (my husband's sister--not my brother's pregnant wife) that you can indeed bust a rib from coughing too hard. I don't know if it's broken or strained or tweaked or out of alignment or what--I just know it hurts. And I doubt--and my doctor sister-in-law confirmed--that Urgent Care probably wouldn't really be able to do anything for me, other than give me pain meds, which I have left-over from when Ella was born.

So now on top of everything else, I'm dealing with this horrible pain in my side. Things just seem to be going from bad to worse. I guess that's not entirely true--I *think* (and hope and pray) that the gunk is starting to loosen up. I'm starting to be able to cough up little bits of gunk--but I have to mentally psych myself up to get through the pain in my ribs. I realize it's totally gross to talk about the gunk, but really--it's such a glorious feeling to get it out of the system! It's just that the timing couldn't be worse. I want to cough it all up and be done with it, but this busted rib is keeping me from reaching my full coughing potential.

Yesterday's blessing was my husband's care for me and Ella. But before I tell you how wonderful he is, let me first tell you how un-wonderful he was the previous night. Ella and I both had a tough night on Thursday night. Neither of us were really sleeping for more than an hour at a time because we're both battling this cold (I swear that we sometimes cough in unison). My husband has been sleeping on the couch (who can blame him?), and when I crumpled to the floor of the living room in tears, with Ella whimpering in the bedroom, he told me that I was being pathetic. Sounds insensitive, right? But I was pretty pathetic--and rightly so...I was sick! Anyway, he was much better last night. We figured that the best thing for me to do would be to feed her at bedtime, and then take Nyquil so that I could get some sleep. He would then put her to bed in her crib and feed her bottles if she woke up. It would be heavenly if I could have slept all the way through the night like the commercials portray, but I ended up waking up when she did (or maybe she woke up because I woke up coughing). Even though the Nyquil should be okay, I didn't want to run the risk of what it might do to her little system, so we stuck to the bottles, and I did a "pump and dump" for the first time. It hurt to pour so much milk down the drain--especially since she seems to be eating more at daycare than what I am pumping at work (it had been my intent--long before I got sick--to spend the weekend pumping and storing...but that's not really going to happen now). Anyway, my husband it taking good care of us. He still thinks I'm a bit pathetic, but he's doing all that he can to help us get well again.

Still Sick

2011-01-13T13:53:00.000-08:00

I can't shake this cold, and on top of feeling like crap--physically--I'm feeling like crap--emotionally--because it's the first week of classes and I'm at home. I feel like I'm letting my colleagues down, but I'm home today because I probably pushed myself too hard earlier this week.

After taking Monday off--which I know was the right thing to do--I brought Ella into work with me on Tuesday because I thought that I was up for it. Yesterday, my husband stayed home with her because she still has a bit of a cough and a stuffy nose. So I went to work, but coughed the whole time. It's that nasty, dry, unproductive cough. I had a cough drop in, and was still coughing. By the mid-afternoon yesterday, I could feel the pressure building in my head as well. Last night, I felt even worse. I had chills and couldn't stop my runny nose or my cough. i was flat-out miserable.

This morning, I gave in to the cold and went into the clinic at the drug store. I knew that it was just a nasty cold and didn't warrant a trip to Urgent Care. The very nice doctor (okay, he's really not a true doctor, but he knew his stuff) diagnosed me as having a common cold that turned into Acute Bronchitis. He gave me a prescription for a cough suppressant which he assured me was safe while breastfeeding ad told me that I would need to just let the illness run its course.

So I'm home and trying to rest between blowing my nose and coughing up gunk...but my heart is at work. Don't get me wrong--I love having a day at home with Ella, but I feel like I'm not following through on my responsibilities. I feel like I'm letting my colleagues down. I fear that my supervisors are going to regret giving me that nice promotion. I'm afraid that people will resent me having a baby who got me sick (or vice versa). I know I'm perhaps being hard on myself, but I don't take my work responsibilities lightly--especially during such a busy time of the semester. I just want to be a good colleague...while also being a good mom and wife and daughter and friend...and the list goes on and on.

Today's blessing is that Ella seems to be doing a little bit better. She's still kind of snotty, but she's happy and beautiful (well, except for maybe the dried boogers around her nose that she doesn't want me to clean off). I pray that both of our immune systems can heal and strengthen for the rest of this cold and flu season so that we can both feel better.

It Was Bound To Happen

2011-01-10T11:44:00.000-08:00

Ella has her first cold. Now that she is in daycare, it was bound to happen, sooner or later. I just didn't realize it would be quite so soon.

I guess I can't blame it on being in daycare entirely. I also exposed myself to all sorts of germs by going back to work, and I'm also sick. So I don't know if she gave it to me, or if I gave it to her. Either way, I guess it was bound to happen. So we're both staying home today to heal, and hopefully we'll both be ready to return to our regular activities tomorrow.

Looking back, I guess it started with just a little cough from her on Thursday morning. I figured that maybe she got a little milk down the wrong tube, or perhaps it was just the dry air. But she had a few more little coughs on Friday, and then I started feeling that undeniable tickle in my throat. That tickle developed into a full-blown head cold for me, and I turned into a coughing, sniffling mess. Despite my attempts to wash away the germs and cough into the crook of my elbow, she's in close contact when she nurses. I guess I could have tried to feed her bottles, but we were visiting my parents and I hadn't brought the pump for just the weekend.

So now I have a snotty, sleepy, sick baby who is happy enough--until I go after her boogers with the nasal aspirator. I called to speak with the triage nurse at her pediatrician's office, just to make sure there isn't anything else I should be doing. She assured me that I was caring for Ella properly, and told me what to look for in case the cold got any worse. Poor thing.

Even though she is sick now, it was a huge blessing that she was okay for the flights home and back from my sister-in-law's baby shower. I was so scared that she would be upset on the plane, but she pretty much slept entirely through both flights. She was the perfect travel companion.

Ella's First (Fabulous!) Flight

2011-01-08T06:13:00.000-08:00

Did I mention Ella and I were flying home for my sister-in-law's baby shower? With so much going on with the return to work, I may have neglected to mention it.

Anyway, Ella did fabulous on her first flight--even with a half-hour delay on the runway. She got just a tiny bit fussy as we boarded because she was tired and hungry, so I nursed her and she fell asleep before we even took off. She prerty much slept the whole flight, though I offered my breast the two times she woke up a bit, just to keep her content. I, on the other hand, developed the worst head cold in my recent memory. I am absolutely miserable and I'm debating if I should even go to the shower. It's this afternoon, so I might give my parents "Grandma and Boppy Duty" and go back to sleep.

Assuming I feel good enough to go, today's blessing is the chance to celebrate the upcoming arrival of Ella's cousin. My brother and sister-in-law went through so much when they lost their son at 30 weeks in 2008. I'm so thankful for her support and friendship, and I really hope I can celebrate with her today...without getting her sick.

It Might Not Happen (Chuckle) Overnight

2011-01-06T19:39:00.000-08:00

I think that whoever came up with the "it might not happen overnight" phrase must have been a new mom. As I was chatting with my husband this morning about the possibility of Ella sleeping all the way through the night, I started saying just those words...and had to laugh at the irony.

For the last month or so, Ella's little internal clock seems to be waking her up at some point during the 3:00 am hour (or during the 2:00 am hour when we were in California). It's just one middle-of-the-night feeding; she goes to bed somewhere in the 9:00 pm hour, and wakes up somewhere in the 5:00 am hour (when I get up to go to work, now that I'm back). When I was on maternity leave, I didn't mind this feeding--in fact, I kind of liked it. The rest of the house is nice and quiet, and I used the time to do my bible study/prayer journal. But now that I'm back to work, things are a little bit tougher. I still enjoy the quality time I have alone with Ella, but I kind of need my sleep.

I'm managing well enough, but I miss my naps with Ella. On Monday morning, I couldn't fall back to sleep after feeding her, so I ended up getting up at 4:40 am to make sure that I had plenty of time on my first day back. Yesterday, I found my eyes starting to close as I fed her when we got home. And this morning, I actually slept through my alarm for the first time in my life. I just have the alarm on my phone set to vibrate, which has always worked for me in the past, but apparently I was really tired this morning and the alarm just morphed right into my dream. Luckily, the alarm apparently just treats my unresponsiveness as if I hit "snooze", and I woke up five minutes later when it went off again.

I know that I could have it so much worse (my very-dear friend's little boy wants two night feedings at this point), but I admit that I get just a little tiny bit jealous when I hear that other friends' babies are sleeping all the way through the night. I know that we'll eventually get there...it just hasn't happened yet. And like I said...it might not happen overnight.

Today's blessing was the chance to visit with a wonderful friend who I haven't seen in over 18 months! This is the friend who was living in Scotland for a year, and then went on an amazing Semester-at-Sea adventure, and she is now back in the states. She has been so supportive and encouraging to me through our journey, and has been the perfect listener when I needed to talk. It really was a special honor to introduce her to Ella, and Ella to her.

It's Off To Work I Go

2011-01-03T18:03:00.000-08:00

I survived my first day back at work, and Ella survived her first day at daycare. Let's just hope that this arrangement continues to work for us.

Ella was the first baby in the infant room to arrive today, which was nice because it gave me a little bit of extra time to chat with the caretaker in the infant room. Ella gave her a sweet smile and didn't cry when I left. I, on the other hand, had some tears when I left her.

I was the first one into the office, which I admit that I felt a little bit guilty to have some "me time". It's a weird sensation to miss holding my daughter in my arms...and yet feel a new "lightness" that I haven't experienced since she was born. For the last three months, everything that I've done has revolved around her. Don't get me wrong--I've loved it! And I've made sure to take some time for myself. But when I do, my plans still revolve around her needs. But now that I'm back at work, I'm essentially forced to focus on someone other than her. I have to remind myself that in the same way that I need to focus on my students, these care providers are there to focus on her. I have to trust that she is in good hands, and that the women who are taking care of her really and truly are taking good care of her.

Since things are still a little bit slow on campus, I snuck away during my lunch hour to feed and visit Ella. I won't always have this luxury once things get busier, so I want to take advantage of this time as much as possible. I think that I'm going to try to make it over there at least once a week...is that reasonable?

Although it is tough to leave Ella, I had an amazing work-related blessing. On Saturday, I dropped by the office to drop off the pump, my computer, and some snacks so as to make today a bit easier, and was blessed to find a promotion letter on my desk. With the promotion came a very generous raise which will nearly cover Ella's daycare expenses. God is so good for providing for us in this way! I still wish that I could stay home with her, but it does make it a little bit easier to go to work knowing that the work that I do is valued and appreciated.

Happy New Year! (Oh Crap...That Means I Have to go Back to Work...Help!)

2011-01-01T13:15:00.000-08:00

It's a new year, and a new semester, and that means I have to face reality and go back to work. These last three months at home with Ella have been absolutely amazing! Every ounce of me wishes that we were in a financial situation where I could just quit my job and stay home and be a full-time Mommy. But we're not there yet, so it's back to work I go. And not to toot my own horn, but I'm actually pretty good at what I do, and I know that my students miss me. Yes, Ella will miss me too, but I do feel like I am somehow contributing to society through the work that I do.

But I'm kind of freaking out about how I'm going to manage it all. I like to be organized and plan ahead, but I also realize that there are going to be plenty of unavoidable hiccups that I can't foresee. I also like to get a full night of sleep or perhaps a nap, but I don't think that's going to be the case anymore once I start putting in an eight-hour workday. I'm a little concerned about balancing my job and my responsibilities at home, so I'm trying to think ahead as much as I can.

So let me ask--what time-saving tips/secrets/advice do you have for a new Mommy who is going back to work? What are some ways that you streamline your life when you're trying to get out the door in the morning? How do you manage to balance your 40-hour-a-week job with being a good wife and a mother at home? I'd appreciate any thoughts or suggestions that you might be able to offer.

Today's blessing is the chance to hang out with our friends from church. One of the guys in our group recently joined the Air Force National Guard, so he is in Alabama for eight months of training. But he's home for the holidays, so it will be great to catch up with him. We're looking forward to celebrating the new year with great food, fellowship, and fun.