If I were "normal", I could be expecting my cycle any minute. If I were "normal", I could wake up in the morning and blissfully proclaim, "I'm late! Maybe I'm pregnant!".
But in the IF world, I'm not normal. And so I wait and wonder.
I don't feel anything strange. In each of the three previous pregnancies (and even in the cycles in between), my breasts always hurt after ovulation. They don't hurt now. Perhaps I didn't ovulate. Or perhaps things are just different. I don't remember my breasts hurting prior to TTC...but then again, I was on the pill. I don't remember them hurting prior to the pill...but then again, I wasn't paying attention to the details since I wasn't TTC. So who knows?
I trust that the Lord has something in store for me. And luckily, things are starting to pick up at work to keep me preoccupied and distracted.
As for blessings, I was blessed to get a new computer at work yesterday. I've been having all kinds of problems with my old laptop...then the replacement they got was even worse...and I've been on the temporary "office floater" for most of the summer. It might seem so trivial, but I heavily rely on my computer in my position. Classes start in less than two weeks and it will be the busiest time of the year, so I'm totally grateful that I'm technologically ready. Now I just have all the other little details to finish up...
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
It's Not a Race
In September 2008, my sister-in-law (who I totally love and adore) suffered a third trimester loss at 30 weeks when the cord got wrapped around the otherwise-perfectly-healthy baby boy's neck. One week letter, I had my first miscarriage. Wasn't the greatest month for my family...although it did bring us closer together.
Since that fateful month, I've suffered two more miscarriages; while my brother and sister-in-law have postponed trying again. In my recent trip back home, she shared with me that they were hoping to start trying again in August. She's a teacher, so in her "perfect world", they would conceive at the beginning of the school year and deliver at the end of the school year, so that she could go straight into summer with her new baby.
Here's my problem. I'm the oldest. I was married first. I'm the oldest grandchild. In my mind, I'm supposed to have the first baby. But obviously it doesn't work that way. And I often need to remind myself that it's not a race.
Like I said, I totally love and adore my sister-in-law, and we often share about our fertility fears. I wish that neither of us had to deal with these losses, but it is kind of nice to have someone else in the family who understands what I'm going through. We process our losses in different ways, but I appreciate the support that she has shown me through the difficult times. I know that she will be an amazing mother, and my brother will be the coolest father. So why do I want so badly to have the first baby?
If I've learned anything from these losses, it's that my plans don't turn out the way that I want them to all the time. I need to let go of my plan to be the first to have a baby, and trust that God's plan for my life (and the life of my sister-in-law) is perfect.
As I think about my blessings after a post like this, I really do recognize just how blessed I am to have such an amazing sister-in-law. She brings so many great things out in my brother, and perfectly tolerates my crazy family (let's be honest--it's hard to marry into a family where you have a pastor for a father-in-law and a marriage and family therapist for a mother-in-law). I love her dearly, and hope and pray that we can share the joys of pregnancy and children together soon.
Since that fateful month, I've suffered two more miscarriages; while my brother and sister-in-law have postponed trying again. In my recent trip back home, she shared with me that they were hoping to start trying again in August. She's a teacher, so in her "perfect world", they would conceive at the beginning of the school year and deliver at the end of the school year, so that she could go straight into summer with her new baby.
Here's my problem. I'm the oldest. I was married first. I'm the oldest grandchild. In my mind, I'm supposed to have the first baby. But obviously it doesn't work that way. And I often need to remind myself that it's not a race.
Like I said, I totally love and adore my sister-in-law, and we often share about our fertility fears. I wish that neither of us had to deal with these losses, but it is kind of nice to have someone else in the family who understands what I'm going through. We process our losses in different ways, but I appreciate the support that she has shown me through the difficult times. I know that she will be an amazing mother, and my brother will be the coolest father. So why do I want so badly to have the first baby?
If I've learned anything from these losses, it's that my plans don't turn out the way that I want them to all the time. I need to let go of my plan to be the first to have a baby, and trust that God's plan for my life (and the life of my sister-in-law) is perfect.
As I think about my blessings after a post like this, I really do recognize just how blessed I am to have such an amazing sister-in-law. She brings so many great things out in my brother, and perfectly tolerates my crazy family (let's be honest--it's hard to marry into a family where you have a pastor for a father-in-law and a marriage and family therapist for a mother-in-law). I love her dearly, and hope and pray that we can share the joys of pregnancy and children together soon.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Ahhh!
It kind of took me by surprise, but that was actually my gut reaction when I walked into a colleagues cubicle and found ultrasound pictures on her screen. And I say "Ahh" in a good, warm, caring way. And it wasn't that I was so much surprised to see ultrasound pictures, rather, I was surprised at my reaction.
This colleague works part-time in our office, and teaches part-time as well, so has a cubicle rather than an office. I dropped in to ask her a quick question, and since her back was to the door (facing her computer screen), I didn't see that she was on her cell phone. But I did see the computer monitor, full of beautiful ultrasound pictures. I know that her daughter is expecting in December (when I would have been due), so I assume that she was talking to her on the phone. I didn't stick around to look, but rather gave her the privacy to finish the conversation (and admiring her first grandchild).
But I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was genuinely happy for my colleague (who, by the way, is so kind and compassionate to me). I admit that I think I sometimes have some lingering feelings towards women who I know who are so easily pregnant without experiencing the pain and frustration that I've endured. I can't say I'm "bitter" or "jealous"--it's not quite that extreme...they are just "feelings". And I even feel bad writing this, as I fear I may offend or hurt some readers--and that's not intent--rather, I just need to be honest with myself and others and disclose that sometimes it's really hard to be around pregnant women when I can't seem to fully join that club.
But maybe that's part of it--my colleague isn't the one who is pregnant. It's her daughter--who I've never met and don't have to pass in the hallways everyday as she gets bigger and bigger. Or maybe it's that seeing my colleague care for her daughter (even just over the phone) reminds me of my mom, and how much she cares about me. Perhaps it's that I recognize the desire to want your child to be happy--that's what I really want, and I'm sure that's what she wants for her (grown-up) child as well.
So I think that having an "Ahh!" escape my lips and truly penetrate my heart is a good first step. I know I still have a long way to go, but it's a start.
Today's blessing was being able to leave the office at the end of the week and feel like I had accomplished something. Things were relatively slow in terms of my appointments, but I was able to get a lot of little details completed for the various programs that I oversee. I'm also blessed with a board of student leaders who are excited to help out, and tell me that they really want to impact others around them. You may remember that I was lamenting a few posts ago ("Ugg") that I felt rather unfulfilled in my work. I guess I'm happy to say that things are starting to look up. Maybe it was (dare I say it?) just too much time on my hands. Something tells me I'll soon miss those days...
This colleague works part-time in our office, and teaches part-time as well, so has a cubicle rather than an office. I dropped in to ask her a quick question, and since her back was to the door (facing her computer screen), I didn't see that she was on her cell phone. But I did see the computer monitor, full of beautiful ultrasound pictures. I know that her daughter is expecting in December (when I would have been due), so I assume that she was talking to her on the phone. I didn't stick around to look, but rather gave her the privacy to finish the conversation (and admiring her first grandchild).
But I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was genuinely happy for my colleague (who, by the way, is so kind and compassionate to me). I admit that I think I sometimes have some lingering feelings towards women who I know who are so easily pregnant without experiencing the pain and frustration that I've endured. I can't say I'm "bitter" or "jealous"--it's not quite that extreme...they are just "feelings". And I even feel bad writing this, as I fear I may offend or hurt some readers--and that's not intent--rather, I just need to be honest with myself and others and disclose that sometimes it's really hard to be around pregnant women when I can't seem to fully join that club.
But maybe that's part of it--my colleague isn't the one who is pregnant. It's her daughter--who I've never met and don't have to pass in the hallways everyday as she gets bigger and bigger. Or maybe it's that seeing my colleague care for her daughter (even just over the phone) reminds me of my mom, and how much she cares about me. Perhaps it's that I recognize the desire to want your child to be happy--that's what I really want, and I'm sure that's what she wants for her (grown-up) child as well.
So I think that having an "Ahh!" escape my lips and truly penetrate my heart is a good first step. I know I still have a long way to go, but it's a start.
Today's blessing was being able to leave the office at the end of the week and feel like I had accomplished something. Things were relatively slow in terms of my appointments, but I was able to get a lot of little details completed for the various programs that I oversee. I'm also blessed with a board of student leaders who are excited to help out, and tell me that they really want to impact others around them. You may remember that I was lamenting a few posts ago ("Ugg") that I felt rather unfulfilled in my work. I guess I'm happy to say that things are starting to look up. Maybe it was (dare I say it?) just too much time on my hands. Something tells me I'll soon miss those days...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Dear Anonymous
After a recent post, I had someone anonymously post a comment to let me know that they follow my blog from time to time and enjoy my ramblings (at least they enjoyed the ramblings from that day). I don't know who they are, where they live, or if they have ever experienced Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. But I was touched at their comments. So to that anonymous reader and commenter, and any other anonymous readers--Thank You!
I was once an anonymous reader and commenter. It was after Loss #2, and I was starting to feel like I didn't know of anyone else in my circle of friends who had more than one loss. I happened to find a blog when I was googling, hoping to find some sort of answers for my unending list of questions. What I found, instead, was comfort and inspiration, knowing that there are other women out there like me.
Prior to discovering the world of blogging, I never thought that anyone would want to read my thoughts. My brother is the writer of the family--complete with a degree from Yale and a novel in the works. So why would anyone be interested in hearing me go on and on and on about the struggles to carry a baby to full term? But apparently this pain can lead to camaraderie; and from there...hope.
There may not be a lot of followers (and I admit that I have a tinge of "follower envy" at times), but they are genuine. I appreciate the honesty and vulnerability (and occasional humor) that they share, and the care and concern that I receive. So to my four amazing (visible) followers--Thank You too!
Today's blessing was a day off. I can't believe that school starts in just over two weeks now! My summer is definitely coming to a close. So days like today are "preventative maintenance", since I know that my schedule will only get fuller as the days tick away. It's such a blessing to relax and veg...but perhaps I'll also use the opportunity to get a work out in.
I was once an anonymous reader and commenter. It was after Loss #2, and I was starting to feel like I didn't know of anyone else in my circle of friends who had more than one loss. I happened to find a blog when I was googling, hoping to find some sort of answers for my unending list of questions. What I found, instead, was comfort and inspiration, knowing that there are other women out there like me.
Prior to discovering the world of blogging, I never thought that anyone would want to read my thoughts. My brother is the writer of the family--complete with a degree from Yale and a novel in the works. So why would anyone be interested in hearing me go on and on and on about the struggles to carry a baby to full term? But apparently this pain can lead to camaraderie; and from there...hope.
There may not be a lot of followers (and I admit that I have a tinge of "follower envy" at times), but they are genuine. I appreciate the honesty and vulnerability (and occasional humor) that they share, and the care and concern that I receive. So to my four amazing (visible) followers--Thank You too!
Today's blessing was a day off. I can't believe that school starts in just over two weeks now! My summer is definitely coming to a close. So days like today are "preventative maintenance", since I know that my schedule will only get fuller as the days tick away. It's such a blessing to relax and veg...but perhaps I'll also use the opportunity to get a work out in.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Home
I'm still here! In the month of July, I took three vacations. It was great to spend time with my husband, my family, and my friends in the three seperate trips, but I'm thankful to be home for a while. I don't think that we have any upcoming trips anywhere on the near horizon...perhaps I should look for a project around the house. There are always more weeds to pull...
I'm also feeling better since my "Ugg" post. Thank you for letting me get a lot of that off my chest. Nothing has "changed" since that post, and it's not that I'm saying that I "accept" my situation. Rather, I guess I'm just "recognizing" that I want more. Now I just need to figure out how to get it.
On the "trying-but-not-trying" front, I think I ovulated somewhere in the last week or so. And true to my word, I didn't ruin the moment by saying "Honey, I think I'm ovulating" (although, I admit, I did "intentionally initiate" more than I told myself I would, rather than letting things happen "naturally"). But I was out of town for a couple of days without my husband...so maybe we missed our window of opportunity. Now we wait.
As for blessings, I had the chance to spend some valuable time with some amazing friends in the last couple of days. These are all former colleagues (from my previous position) who were (and are) so much more than co-workers to me. With all three, a constant theme of our conversations was that growing up sometimes sucks. Whether it's job struggles or physical ailments, we each have our issues (or "Ugg moments") from time to time. I love them dearly, and wish them all the best.
I'm also feeling better since my "Ugg" post. Thank you for letting me get a lot of that off my chest. Nothing has "changed" since that post, and it's not that I'm saying that I "accept" my situation. Rather, I guess I'm just "recognizing" that I want more. Now I just need to figure out how to get it.
On the "trying-but-not-trying" front, I think I ovulated somewhere in the last week or so. And true to my word, I didn't ruin the moment by saying "Honey, I think I'm ovulating" (although, I admit, I did "intentionally initiate" more than I told myself I would, rather than letting things happen "naturally"). But I was out of town for a couple of days without my husband...so maybe we missed our window of opportunity. Now we wait.
As for blessings, I had the chance to spend some valuable time with some amazing friends in the last couple of days. These are all former colleagues (from my previous position) who were (and are) so much more than co-workers to me. With all three, a constant theme of our conversations was that growing up sometimes sucks. Whether it's job struggles or physical ailments, we each have our issues (or "Ugg moments") from time to time. I love them dearly, and wish them all the best.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Ugg
It was just one of those weeks. Oh wait--it's only Monday. Double Ugg.
Believe it or not, it doesn't really have anything to do with infertility or loss (for once). I can't quite explain it, but I've just felt really out of sorts lately.
I first noticed it with my husband. I was just getting a tad bit frustrated a little bit too easily with him. We would be driving somewhere, and I would have this wish that I could put up a wall in between our seats. I love him so much, and we're not having any "problems". Rather, I probably just wasn't having enough patience.
Then it came on stronger this weekend when we went out to dinner and miniature golf with two couples from church on Saturday. I've been known to be competitive on occasion, but I guess I just feel like miniature golf is a place to be silly. But in reading the captions that my friend posted to Facebook, I apparently came across as a major brat. That wasn't my intent. I was just trying to be silly. But it leaves me with this uneasy feeling--even though I have apologized profusely.
Finally, it totally manifested itself in my professional world. I'm adequately pleased with my job, but I feel like I could do more. I'm not one to chase titles, but I do seek challenges and professional growth and intellectual stimulation. I just don't feel like I'm getting those development opportunities in my current position (though, to put it in perspective, I realize that things are slower in the summer...which is a blessing...but I'm thinking "bigger picture"). There was an opportunity elsewhere on campus that I was really hoping for, but I was totally overlooked. It makes me think that I hit my "professional peak" two years ago.
Thinking back to that time in my professional life, I also had it all going for me in my personal life as well. I was engaged and excited about the upcoming wedding. I was living in ignorant bliss of the infertility and loss that I would soon experience.
I know I can't go back to those days, but I can only hope and pray that God has more of those years of fulfillment--both personally and professionally--for me in the future.
Oh...and to cap it all off, I ruined a cheesecake. I had looked forward to baking it as a redemptive experience, and even that got messed up when the middle of the crust didn't separate from the bottom of the pan...resulting in a donut-shaped cheesecake.
Throughout this recent "Ugg" experience, I'm blessed to have my husband by my side. He puts up with my impatience and breaks the invisible barrier that I wanted to build in the car by reaching over and holding my hand. He lovingly rebukes me for my behavior at miniature golf and honestly tells me that he, too, was disappointed in my actions despite my attempts to be silly. And most importantly, he holds me tight and lets me cry, and wisely points out that there will always be "peaks" and "valleys", but that he'll be by my side through it all.
Believe it or not, it doesn't really have anything to do with infertility or loss (for once). I can't quite explain it, but I've just felt really out of sorts lately.
I first noticed it with my husband. I was just getting a tad bit frustrated a little bit too easily with him. We would be driving somewhere, and I would have this wish that I could put up a wall in between our seats. I love him so much, and we're not having any "problems". Rather, I probably just wasn't having enough patience.
Then it came on stronger this weekend when we went out to dinner and miniature golf with two couples from church on Saturday. I've been known to be competitive on occasion, but I guess I just feel like miniature golf is a place to be silly. But in reading the captions that my friend posted to Facebook, I apparently came across as a major brat. That wasn't my intent. I was just trying to be silly. But it leaves me with this uneasy feeling--even though I have apologized profusely.
Finally, it totally manifested itself in my professional world. I'm adequately pleased with my job, but I feel like I could do more. I'm not one to chase titles, but I do seek challenges and professional growth and intellectual stimulation. I just don't feel like I'm getting those development opportunities in my current position (though, to put it in perspective, I realize that things are slower in the summer...which is a blessing...but I'm thinking "bigger picture"). There was an opportunity elsewhere on campus that I was really hoping for, but I was totally overlooked. It makes me think that I hit my "professional peak" two years ago.
Thinking back to that time in my professional life, I also had it all going for me in my personal life as well. I was engaged and excited about the upcoming wedding. I was living in ignorant bliss of the infertility and loss that I would soon experience.
I know I can't go back to those days, but I can only hope and pray that God has more of those years of fulfillment--both personally and professionally--for me in the future.
Oh...and to cap it all off, I ruined a cheesecake. I had looked forward to baking it as a redemptive experience, and even that got messed up when the middle of the crust didn't separate from the bottom of the pan...resulting in a donut-shaped cheesecake.
Throughout this recent "Ugg" experience, I'm blessed to have my husband by my side. He puts up with my impatience and breaks the invisible barrier that I wanted to build in the car by reaching over and holding my hand. He lovingly rebukes me for my behavior at miniature golf and honestly tells me that he, too, was disappointed in my actions despite my attempts to be silly. And most importantly, he holds me tight and lets me cry, and wisely points out that there will always be "peaks" and "valleys", but that he'll be by my side through it all.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Faith and Science
I realize that there are probably countless articles and presentations out there on the relationship between Faith and Science. But this post isn't "researched" or anything--it's just my own thoughts and reflections.
I had originally planned to title this post "Faith vs. Science"--as if they are opposing forces. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm not on one side or the other. I believe that the two can be complimentary rather than competitive. And come to think of it, I actually know very little about either. But Jesus said, "I assure you, if you had faith as small as a mustard seed you could say to this mountain, 'move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible" (Matthew 20:21). So perhaps it's okay that I don't have a lot of knowledge on Faith. As for Science, I guess more knowledge would make it easier to understand "doctor talk".
I remember having a conversation with my brother about the Science behind medical interventions for IF. Instantly, he responded that if God blessed the scientists with the knowledge and the abilities to create procedures to intervene, he'd use them in a heartbeat. I realize that one could argue that God blessed individuals with scientific knowledge and some created bad and hurtful things as well...but I do get what he's saying.
But another part of me gravitates to Exodus 14:14: "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still". What a promise! And what a test of Faith when there are so many distractions out there!
In thinking about Faith, I feel like I've come to the conclusion that I faithfully believe 100% that God has something in store for my life, and that He will provide for me. But after three miscarriages, I feel like I can't say with that much certainty that His plan will include carrying a baby to full term. That's what I want more than anything, but maybe that's not what He wants for me. But if what I want doesn't match up with with He wants, I trust that His perfect plan will emerge, and it's up to me to embrace it.
I guess it comes down to a combination of both Faith and Science. I would be silly to refuse the Science behind the bloodwork tests if they could help give us some answers. But when Science fails, I need my Faith more than ever. If I--according to Science--take vitamins to nourish me physically; shouldn't I also--according to Faith--spend time with Christ to nourish me spiritually?
This reminds me of my own grandmother, who was given a 5% chance to live when she was diagnosed with a weird strand of cancer 20-some-odd years ago. Of course, she went through the radiation and chemotherapy that Science recommended. But that wasn't enough of a care plan for her. My grandmother is a prayer warrior, as are many around her. When the doctors--with all of their Science--proclaimed her free and clear of the disease, they attributed it to the power of prayer and Faith.
I guess it comes down to this (at least in my mind). Science may or may not help me carry a child to full term. But my Faith will undoubtably bring me closer to my Lord; and by Faith, I will undoubtably one day see my children in Heaven.
As for blessings, reflecting on this topic has reminded me just how much I love my grandmother. She's an amazing woman who cares so deeply for others around. When I was in college, she used to send me cookies...and a check for $15 to buy the milk to go with them. And she makes the best cookies ever! I pray that I have the chance to see her with her great-grandchild, and I pray that I get the chance to be an amazing grandmother someday as well.
I had originally planned to title this post "Faith vs. Science"--as if they are opposing forces. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm not on one side or the other. I believe that the two can be complimentary rather than competitive. And come to think of it, I actually know very little about either. But Jesus said, "I assure you, if you had faith as small as a mustard seed you could say to this mountain, 'move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible" (Matthew 20:21). So perhaps it's okay that I don't have a lot of knowledge on Faith. As for Science, I guess more knowledge would make it easier to understand "doctor talk".
I remember having a conversation with my brother about the Science behind medical interventions for IF. Instantly, he responded that if God blessed the scientists with the knowledge and the abilities to create procedures to intervene, he'd use them in a heartbeat. I realize that one could argue that God blessed individuals with scientific knowledge and some created bad and hurtful things as well...but I do get what he's saying.
But another part of me gravitates to Exodus 14:14: "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still". What a promise! And what a test of Faith when there are so many distractions out there!
In thinking about Faith, I feel like I've come to the conclusion that I faithfully believe 100% that God has something in store for my life, and that He will provide for me. But after three miscarriages, I feel like I can't say with that much certainty that His plan will include carrying a baby to full term. That's what I want more than anything, but maybe that's not what He wants for me. But if what I want doesn't match up with with He wants, I trust that His perfect plan will emerge, and it's up to me to embrace it.
I guess it comes down to a combination of both Faith and Science. I would be silly to refuse the Science behind the bloodwork tests if they could help give us some answers. But when Science fails, I need my Faith more than ever. If I--according to Science--take vitamins to nourish me physically; shouldn't I also--according to Faith--spend time with Christ to nourish me spiritually?
This reminds me of my own grandmother, who was given a 5% chance to live when she was diagnosed with a weird strand of cancer 20-some-odd years ago. Of course, she went through the radiation and chemotherapy that Science recommended. But that wasn't enough of a care plan for her. My grandmother is a prayer warrior, as are many around her. When the doctors--with all of their Science--proclaimed her free and clear of the disease, they attributed it to the power of prayer and Faith.
I guess it comes down to this (at least in my mind). Science may or may not help me carry a child to full term. But my Faith will undoubtably bring me closer to my Lord; and by Faith, I will undoubtably one day see my children in Heaven.
As for blessings, reflecting on this topic has reminded me just how much I love my grandmother. She's an amazing woman who cares so deeply for others around. When I was in college, she used to send me cookies...and a check for $15 to buy the milk to go with them. And she makes the best cookies ever! I pray that I have the chance to see her with her great-grandchild, and I pray that I get the chance to be an amazing grandmother someday as well.
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