I still have Friday on the calendar...and I've already worked more than 40 hours this week. I worked 12 hour days on both Tuesday and Wednesday without much of a lunch break. My feet are killing me (though the rest of my legs are finally feeling a bit better after pulling weeds and moving rocks). It takes an extra ten minutes to get home from work if I don't leave exactly when I'm supposed to. Yes, it must be the first week of classes.
It's been super busy, but so far it's off to a good start. I've got some great student leaders to rely on, and I've really been trying to delegate responsibilities to them lately. I admit that I'm still rather "hands on", but I have been trying to relinquish a little bit of the control to which I tend to cling. I have to remind myself that it's really my job to "empower" them rather than "direct" them.
But I feel so bad on my first day home before 6:00 pm...that I chose to stay home and pick up the house instead of going to my husband's softball game with him. I normally love going with him and cheering for his team, but I've been getting home so late all week and just crashing, that I feel like I needed a moment to get caught up on my domestic obligations. So although I really wish that I was with him right now, I do hope that he appreciates a tidy house when he returns (notice I say "tidy" but not "clean"...I don't think I have that much energy).
My blessing for the last few days has been my supervisor. If this first week is tough for me, it's even more crazy for her. And yet she's been such a great support to not only me, but everyone else in the office. In particular, she has helped me put out a couple of little fires that could have totally exploded into huge issues, and always does so with so much patience. She's a true woman of faith, and I'm so blessed to have her as a supervisor.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Ouch!
Pulling weeds and moving rocks yesterday makes me one sore girl today! We worked almost all day yesterday in the yard, but we're finally making some real progress. I thought I was in decent shape, but I'm feeling aches and pains in muscles that I didn't even know existed!
In between loads of rocks and weeds, I also managed to bake two cheesecakes--one Blueberry Swirl, and one Snickers. I think I often show my appreciation for others through baked goods, which is a nice-enough gesture...as long as I can control the urge to sample absolutely everything that comes out of the oven. These two cheesecakes were a "welcome back gift" for my student leaders that I was meeting with this afternoon before classes get started tomorrow. I just hope that it's enough of an inspiration for the busy start of the year.
Yesterday's blessing was the chance to have dinner with a great friend. Actually, I supervised her during her first year of grad school, and always appreciated her for the work that she did and the friendship that developed throughout our time of working together. I got to meet her new boyfriend, and see just how happy she is at this point in her life and her career. She is now teaching kindergarten, and I know that she must be such an amazing blessing in the lives of her students.
In between loads of rocks and weeds, I also managed to bake two cheesecakes--one Blueberry Swirl, and one Snickers. I think I often show my appreciation for others through baked goods, which is a nice-enough gesture...as long as I can control the urge to sample absolutely everything that comes out of the oven. These two cheesecakes were a "welcome back gift" for my student leaders that I was meeting with this afternoon before classes get started tomorrow. I just hope that it's enough of an inspiration for the busy start of the year.
Yesterday's blessing was the chance to have dinner with a great friend. Actually, I supervised her during her first year of grad school, and always appreciated her for the work that she did and the friendship that developed throughout our time of working together. I got to meet her new boyfriend, and see just how happy she is at this point in her life and her career. She is now teaching kindergarten, and I know that she must be such an amazing blessing in the lives of her students.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Goodbye Summer
Today is my last day of summer. As I write this, I'm waiting for our very last group of Freshmen to come in for the very last Orientation of the summer. Goodbye Summer, Hello School.
When I first found out that I was pregnant the most recent time, I had been so excited to think that I would probably be showing at this point, and all of my students would come back from Summer and be so excited for me in that condition. It didn't quite work out that way...though I do hope that they are still excited to see me. Oh well. Perhaps we'll get lucky next month, and they'll be able to notice the growth throughout the academic year.
So last month, we were still in the "trying but not trying" sort of mode as we were in that time between "two months" and "two cycles". Now that it's been officially two cycles, I guess you could say that we're officially "trying" again. I'm leaving it all in God's hands, but my husband's birthday is mid-September, and I would love nothing more than to give him a BFP for his birthday. But again, it's in God's hands, not mine. I can think of all these cute plans in my head, but ultimately, I recognize I have no control in the matter.
For blessings, I recognize that this summer has been nice. I sure wish that I had been pregnant all summer long, but in the absence of a pregnancy, I was able to travel and visit friends and family more than I would had I been preparing for a baby. The slow time of the year has really been a blessing, as I've been able to relax and work-out and unwind each evening. I just hope that I find just as many blessed moments as we head into the school year.
When I first found out that I was pregnant the most recent time, I had been so excited to think that I would probably be showing at this point, and all of my students would come back from Summer and be so excited for me in that condition. It didn't quite work out that way...though I do hope that they are still excited to see me. Oh well. Perhaps we'll get lucky next month, and they'll be able to notice the growth throughout the academic year.
So last month, we were still in the "trying but not trying" sort of mode as we were in that time between "two months" and "two cycles". Now that it's been officially two cycles, I guess you could say that we're officially "trying" again. I'm leaving it all in God's hands, but my husband's birthday is mid-September, and I would love nothing more than to give him a BFP for his birthday. But again, it's in God's hands, not mine. I can think of all these cute plans in my head, but ultimately, I recognize I have no control in the matter.
For blessings, I recognize that this summer has been nice. I sure wish that I had been pregnant all summer long, but in the absence of a pregnancy, I was able to travel and visit friends and family more than I would had I been preparing for a baby. The slow time of the year has really been a blessing, as I've been able to relax and work-out and unwind each evening. I just hope that I find just as many blessed moments as we head into the school year.
Monday, August 17, 2009
If You Write It, It Will Come
Sure enough...I wrote that "Late" post yesterday; and what do you know, but my cycle started this morning. So I apologize if I was coming across as dramatic in waiting, but it really was (is) a test of my patience. I'm very pleased to report that I didn't "waste" my last test. Then again, I do have this tiny little voice in the back of my head saying "what if you were pregnant and this is just another loss"...but I'm trying to ignore (or is it "overcome"?) that voice.
So, here I am again on Cycle Day 1 (I know that a common term on IF blogs is "AF", but I just can't bring myself to call it that). This is the second cycle after the last loss, so I guess that by "trying but not trying", we followed the two-cycle/two-month wait after all (which ends up actually being more like three months when you add it all up...but who's counting?).
I also ended up calling the RE's office today to see if there are any tests that they want to run (or re-run) before my insurance changes in October and I lose my IF coverage. I debated over whether or not to call, but they decided to retest my Protein C and Protein S levels, as that was the one thing that came back slightly irregular last time. If I remember correctly, my Protein C levels were 69, but the normal range starts at 81. After Loss #3, he said it had nothing to do with the Protein C Deficiency (which really just means that I'm more prone to blood clots). If it means possibly avoiding twice-daily Heparin injections again, I'd gladly sacrifice one prick for a re-test. So I'm glad that I was bold and made the call--I'm afraid that I would kick myself later on down the road if I realized that I should have been more proactive when the insurance was covering it.
Today's blessing was a speedy answer to prayer. I put it out there yesterday that I needed prayers for patience and understanding as I waited through being "late", and my cycle shows up first thing in the morning. I don't even know if I ovulated last month, but at least things are starting over now. Some may call it a "curse", but I sure consider it a "blessing".
So, here I am again on Cycle Day 1 (I know that a common term on IF blogs is "AF", but I just can't bring myself to call it that). This is the second cycle after the last loss, so I guess that by "trying but not trying", we followed the two-cycle/two-month wait after all (which ends up actually being more like three months when you add it all up...but who's counting?).
I also ended up calling the RE's office today to see if there are any tests that they want to run (or re-run) before my insurance changes in October and I lose my IF coverage. I debated over whether or not to call, but they decided to retest my Protein C and Protein S levels, as that was the one thing that came back slightly irregular last time. If I remember correctly, my Protein C levels were 69, but the normal range starts at 81. After Loss #3, he said it had nothing to do with the Protein C Deficiency (which really just means that I'm more prone to blood clots). If it means possibly avoiding twice-daily Heparin injections again, I'd gladly sacrifice one prick for a re-test. So I'm glad that I was bold and made the call--I'm afraid that I would kick myself later on down the road if I realized that I should have been more proactive when the insurance was covering it.
Today's blessing was a speedy answer to prayer. I put it out there yesterday that I needed prayers for patience and understanding as I waited through being "late", and my cycle shows up first thing in the morning. I don't even know if I ovulated last month, but at least things are starting over now. Some may call it a "curse", but I sure consider it a "blessing".
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Late
When TTC, "late" is a loaded word.
If I were following a perfect 28 day cycle; then yes, I would say that I were "late". As I mentioned in a previous post, I don't feel different at all...so I haven't tested yet. I guess part of me just doesn't want to "waste" a test. And perhaps another part of me doesn't want to be disappointed by a BFN (even though I say that we were "trying but not trying").
More likely, I'm thinking that I'm "late" because I'm afraid that my cycle may be off again. The last cycle was six-weeks, but I chalked that up to the fact that it was following Loss #3, so I figured my hormones were out of whack. The cycle prior to the most recent pregnancy was 30 days, and I was stoked! I thought that perhaps the Metformin had "fixed" everything. But I'm now on Day 33...and wondering if I even ovulated...or if perhaps that is still to come...or maybe won't show up this time at all...
I'm trying not to worry or obsess or dwell on it too much. It would be so hard to deal with another loss, so I pleaded with God that He only allow me to conceive if and when I can carry to term. After three losses, I'd rather just not conceive than deal with another loss. I realize that I can't exactly tell God how to run my life, but I have to trust that He knows what he's doing.
I realize that I can only live in this "late" phase for so long. Something is bound to happen in some capacity, sooner or later. Until then, I pray for patience and understanding.
Today's blessing is totally selfish. My husband and I play Scrabble at Starbucks every Sunday after church, and it seems like I've lost every game this summer. Maybe I just got lucky, but it sure was a blessing to win today. More importantly, it's always a blessing to have this consistent time alone with my husband.
If I were following a perfect 28 day cycle; then yes, I would say that I were "late". As I mentioned in a previous post, I don't feel different at all...so I haven't tested yet. I guess part of me just doesn't want to "waste" a test. And perhaps another part of me doesn't want to be disappointed by a BFN (even though I say that we were "trying but not trying").
More likely, I'm thinking that I'm "late" because I'm afraid that my cycle may be off again. The last cycle was six-weeks, but I chalked that up to the fact that it was following Loss #3, so I figured my hormones were out of whack. The cycle prior to the most recent pregnancy was 30 days, and I was stoked! I thought that perhaps the Metformin had "fixed" everything. But I'm now on Day 33...and wondering if I even ovulated...or if perhaps that is still to come...or maybe won't show up this time at all...
I'm trying not to worry or obsess or dwell on it too much. It would be so hard to deal with another loss, so I pleaded with God that He only allow me to conceive if and when I can carry to term. After three losses, I'd rather just not conceive than deal with another loss. I realize that I can't exactly tell God how to run my life, but I have to trust that He knows what he's doing.
I realize that I can only live in this "late" phase for so long. Something is bound to happen in some capacity, sooner or later. Until then, I pray for patience and understanding.
Today's blessing is totally selfish. My husband and I play Scrabble at Starbucks every Sunday after church, and it seems like I've lost every game this summer. Maybe I just got lucky, but it sure was a blessing to win today. More importantly, it's always a blessing to have this consistent time alone with my husband.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Insurance Changes
I work for a state-university, so one of the perks of the job has always been really good benefits options--namely health insurance. I've always considered the options and services fairly impressive--though not "super-duper". Like many, they didn't cover IVF, but covered 50% until meeting a yearly co-pay of $1,000 on all other infertility treatments, after which everything else (again, excluding IVF) was covered 100%. I admit that I haven't explored many other options out there, but sounds pretty reasonable, right?
Well now, our poor state is in a bit of a budget crunch--as are many other institutions these days. I knew that rates and services and coverage were going to change...but I wasn't prepared for them to completely cut out any infertility coverage. It's all gone:
Infertility Services
Infertility counseling, diagnosis, and treatment previously covered at 50% up to $1,000 per member or $2,000 per family will no longer be covered. Medical services for infertility will be the responsibility of the member.
I can feel my stress level rising as I type that. Gosh, I'm glad we got those tests done last year. For the most part, I believe that my RE is seen as just a "Specialist" (thus a $30 co-pay, though it was previously only $20), rather than exclusively as "Infertility Treatment" (which is no longer covered at all). And luckily, it seems like my RE often charges me for just "Regular" OB/GYN types of visits rather than even at the "Specialist" level (and OB/GYN visits were the one and only service that didn't change from the $10 co-pay). But perhaps that may change too.
Thinking back to my previous "What's 'Right' With Me" post, I may not ever even need insurance that covers infertility. I've conceived naturally three times now, so something is working without too much intervention. But then again, I've also lost all three babies in the first trimester...so perhaps I really could benefit from coverage. And if I think beyond myself, what about the couples relying on these benefits that really do in fact need extended infertility coverage? I imagine that their hearts are breaking right now.
I guess it might be time to look at what my husband's insurance is covering...
But as for blessings, I do realize that it is such a huge blessing to have health insurance! So I'm disappointed that the coverage has decreased for areas that I see as vital, but I hope that this isn't construed as "complaining".
Well now, our poor state is in a bit of a budget crunch--as are many other institutions these days. I knew that rates and services and coverage were going to change...but I wasn't prepared for them to completely cut out any infertility coverage. It's all gone:
Infertility Services
Infertility counseling, diagnosis, and treatment previously covered at 50% up to $1,000 per member or $2,000 per family will no longer be covered. Medical services for infertility will be the responsibility of the member.
I can feel my stress level rising as I type that. Gosh, I'm glad we got those tests done last year. For the most part, I believe that my RE is seen as just a "Specialist" (thus a $30 co-pay, though it was previously only $20), rather than exclusively as "Infertility Treatment" (which is no longer covered at all). And luckily, it seems like my RE often charges me for just "Regular" OB/GYN types of visits rather than even at the "Specialist" level (and OB/GYN visits were the one and only service that didn't change from the $10 co-pay). But perhaps that may change too.
Thinking back to my previous "What's 'Right' With Me" post, I may not ever even need insurance that covers infertility. I've conceived naturally three times now, so something is working without too much intervention. But then again, I've also lost all three babies in the first trimester...so perhaps I really could benefit from coverage. And if I think beyond myself, what about the couples relying on these benefits that really do in fact need extended infertility coverage? I imagine that their hearts are breaking right now.
I guess it might be time to look at what my husband's insurance is covering...
But as for blessings, I do realize that it is such a huge blessing to have health insurance! So I'm disappointed that the coverage has decreased for areas that I see as vital, but I hope that this isn't construed as "complaining".
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
What's "Right" With Me?
Still no update on the cycle...
But with that in mind, rather than starting to obsess about what could be "wrong" with me, I wanted to try to consider what is "right" with me. (And thank you to Christa for the inspiration to adopt a more healthy "mantra").
So...here are the things that I know are "right" with me:
But with that in mind, rather than starting to obsess about what could be "wrong" with me, I wanted to try to consider what is "right" with me. (And thank you to Christa for the inspiration to adopt a more healthy "mantra").
So...here are the things that I know are "right" with me:
- My spiritual life has brought me closer to Christ than I think I've ever been before
- I've been able to conceive naturally three times
- Thanks to three years of braces, my teeth are straight
- My car is completely paid off
- I've lost a considerable amount of weight from the combination of exercise, healthy diet adjustments, and good ol' Metformin
- My relationship with my family (especially my mom) has never been better than what it is right now
- The doctor says I have a "beautiful uterus" and "perfect tubes"
- I married the man who is absolutely perfect for me and loves me the way I am
- My chromosomes (and those of my husband) are totally normal
- I have friends who love, support, and challenge me at the necessary times
- I have a good schedule that allows me to get just about eight hours of sleep a night
- In such a challenging economy, I have a "good-enough" job with "good-enough" benefits
I could go on--and I need to remind myself of that. I have so many good things going for me. When people start giving me that pity look when I tell them my story, I'm quick to point out that I am perfectly healthy and my husband is perfectly healthy, and that's such a huge blessing. It doesn't negate my desire to have children, but it is a good reminder.
In addition to those listed above, my blessing of the day was running into some of my former student staff members from my previous position. They are in training for the upcoming school year (which was always my favorite time of the entire year), and they totally brought me so much joy both when I worked with them and now. Some students just have that ability to bring joy wherever they go!
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