I Survived September

At the beginning of the month, I posted my fears about facing September.  It's now the last day of the month, and I survived the painful anniversaries.  September 17th was bittersweet.  I remembered the traumatic loss of my first baby, but I chose to focus on the joy of my husband's birthday.  Up until that day, I had cursed God that the two days coincided.  That morning, I realized that it might actually be a blessing.  I had a reason to get up that morning.  I had a reason to dress up.  I had a reason to celebrate.  I had my husband, who loves me dearly.

I didn't get pregnant this month.  In my perfect little plan in my head, getting pregnant this month would have been a perfect way to cap off a year of loss.  I could have told my husband on his birthday, or perhaps my parents on their anniversary.  But it didn't work out that way, and I realize that my perfect little plan in my head is no where near to the richness of the amazing plan that God has for my life.

My blessing is the support, understanding, and prayers that I have received this month (and beyond) through the connections that I have made through this blog.  Thank you for being with me through these challenging times.  I don't personally know anyone else who has struggled with Recurrent Pregnancy Loss, so I would be lost without those of you who have been through this and understand me.  I don't say it enough--thank you.

Really?!? In the Break Room?!?

I just arrived at work, and went about my normal routine.  I turned on my computer, grabbed my lunch, and headed to the break room to toss it in the fridge.  As I turned to leave, I noticed that someone had brought in leftover baby shower plates, cups, and napkins.  I couldn't help but exclaim "Really?!?" out loud (luckily I was the first person in today).  The absolute last thing that I want to do when I am struggling with IF and loss is eat my lunch off a plate with a cute little pregnant belly staring up at me!  And I can only imagine the conversations that these items will start.  This is the same break room where "Guess the Gender" games were posted on the dry-erase board for the three women who were pregnant in the last year.  This is the same break room where my colleagues have placed bets on who is going to be next to get knocked up.

I get it--I'm sure that someone is just trying to be helpful.  I'm all for recycling, and I do admit that we often run out of plates, cups, and napkins at various points throughout the semester.  But it still doesn't make it any easier.  I know I'm being super-sensitive.  Ugh.  I wish I knew how to be more accepting.

Aside from the break room surprise, I'm blessed to have a chance to hang out with some friends tonight.  We've been slowly building up a network or young married couples at church, and the guys are getting together tonight to watch football while the ladies have some "girl time".  I'm really looking forwad to the opportunity to join together in fellowship.

Joyful, Patient, Faithful

I love one of the verses that we focused on today in church:  "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:12).  One of our other pastors preached on this verse about two years ago when we were first trying to start a family, and my cycles were all crazy.  I remember thinking that this verse totally applied to me at the time.  Now, two years and three losses later, I'm struck at how much has changed, and yet how much I still need to be joyful, patient, and faithful.

My blessing for today is the love of my parents.  They left yesterday, and I am just so aware of how blessed I am to have two people who love me as much as they do.  I pray that the Lord bless them with grandchildren, and I pray that He bless my husband and me with the opportunity to be the types of parents that they were to me.

Pre-Wedding Pants

I never gained the "Freshman Fifteen"...but I definitely gained the "Newlywed Twenty" during our first year of marriage.  My wonderful doctor chalked it up to being happy and comfortable--which I totally was.  But I did recognize that my pants were getting tighter and I was needing a size bigger when I shopped.  Then the RE had me totally change my diet and start doing 200 crunches a day and 60 minutes of cardio.  I admit that I don't get quite the full hour of cardio in, but something sure is working...because I once again fit into my pre-wedding pants.

Aside from the annual exam with the OBGYN last week, I have only gotten on a scale once since making these healthy adjustments (it was after the third loss, and I needed something to make me feel a bit better).  I'm not doing all of this to lose weight--I'm doing it all so that I can maintain a pregnancy.  I want to get pregnant and gain all the baby weight, so I don't need to be constantly checking the scale right now.  But hey--if I am losing weight and getting thinner, that's just an added bonus for now.  Besides, my husband has noticed a difference and he's impressed.

I went shopping with my mom today and fit into pants two sizes smaller than what's currently hanging in my closet.  I didn't buy them because I didn't quite "love" them--I admit they were still a bit tight--but at least they zipped up!  That was enough for me.  Now...if only I could get pregnant and stay pregnant and be this excited about gaining weight.  Oh, how I long to see the day when I can't zip up my pants.

Today's blessing was finishing putting out the huge pile of rocks that we started about a month ago.  They had been there for two years (remember, they technically belonged to our neighbor, but were on our property).  My parents helped (or, I should say, my dad helped and my mom claimed to be "supervising").  But it really looks good, and it's a huge blessing to feel a sense of accomplishment.

Tempting and Temping

Why is it that when I really try to focus on eating healthy and working out...that the universe keeps tempting me with cookies?  Someone brought leftover cookies into our break room at work after they weren't eaten at a meeting, then my grandma sends the best homemade cookies to my husband for his birthday, then finally a student brings me a cookie today in her advising appointment!  I resisted the break room cookies...ate the cookie from the student (because it would be rude not to, right?)...and indulged in one of the cookies from my grandma.  Luckily my parents are here to help eat the rest of them so that I can stop being tempted by them.

Aside from things that are "tempting", I've become someone who is now "temping"...as in tracking my basal body temperature each morning.  I know that I have said that I'm not going to obsess about trying, but I feel like I can justify this move as "statistical data research" to confirm or deny if I have in fact ovulated.  My mucus sure seemed to indicate so last month, but yet I didn't seem to observe any other symptoms that I've typically noticed in previous cycles (namely, sore breasts).  This can be just one more piece of the puzzle. 

But I give anyone permission to call me out if I ever sound like I'm starting to "obsess" too much.  Please feel free to keep me in check as you see fit.

Today's blessing was a slow day.  Things were so busy for the last two weeks...and I know that they will pick up again.  But for right now (or at least today), my schedule was nice and open, which really allowed me to get some things done that I have been meaning to accomplish, and I was able to leave the office on time.  It's just a little thing, but it's nice to get to come home while it's still light outside.

Not This Cycle

My period started last night.  I was actually rather shocked--I hadn't expected it for a few more days.  I'm a little disappointed, but I ultimately trust God.  I prayed that I only be able to conceive if I would be able to carry to full term.  I can't miscarry if I'm not pregnant.

I'm blessed to have my parents here visiting.  It's their anniversary tomorrow, and I wish I would have been able to share a positive test with them.  But even without that good news, it's still wonderful to have them here for the week.

Today

Today is the anniversary of the day I lost my first baby.  Today is the anniversary of the day when my world crumbled around me.

Today is also my husband's birthday.  While I will never forget this day from a year ago, today I choose to focus on the celebration of having my husband in my life.  With him, I can get through today.

Today I'm reminded of how much I am blessed by a Lord who loves me and strengthens me and helps me to get through days like today.