Attitude Adjustment

I haven't had the best sleep this week.  It's understandable--I'm 40 weeks pregnant in August in Arizona.  My feet get so hot, and it wakes me up and keeps me up.  Each time I woke up, I found myself nearly cursing God that I wasn't going into labor yet.  I really was struggling with still being pregnant--which is crazy, because for the most part, I love being pregnant.  I just don't enjoy being awake in the middle of the night when I'm trying to sleep.

At my appointment on Wednesday, I was still only 1 cm.  I was bummed--even though I had no indications to lead me to believe otherwise, I was still frustrated that things weren't rolling along yet.  I figured that being 80% effaced last week would have counted for something!  The plan is that we will induce next Thursday, at 41 weeks, if she hasn't made her grand appearance by then.  With Ella, I remember my doctor telling me that she starts getting nervous when her moms don't deliver by 41 weeks.  So I know that she's consistent with this approach.

And I thought being induced with Ella was perfect!  For the last three years or so, I've proclaimed that it was the perfect experience for me.  It took all the anxiety out of giving birth for the first time.  I was able to check in comfortably and joke with the nurses.  Sure, I ended up getting an epidural when my initial intent had been to go natural, but I was fine with it.  So if I end up getting induced again, I know what to expect and it won't be the end of the world.

I do still hope to have the opposite experience this time--laboring at home, the excitement and energy of rushing to the hospital in the middle of the night, and hopefully a more "natural" delivery than what I experienced with pitocin last time (not that it was "bad"...it was just...well, "induced").  But I need to realize that getting frustrated and cursing God for not being in labor yet isn't going to speed things along. 

So Wednesday night, I prayed for an "attitude adjustment".  And each time I woke up in the middle of the night, instead of cursing God, I prayed again for an attitude adjustment.  And what do you know--by Thursday morning, I was already feeling better.  I had a good long cry during my morning walk (I must have been quite the scene, had any of my neighbors been looking out their windows at 5:30 am), pouring out my heart to God and trying to grapple with how it is perfectly fine for me to want this baby to come soon, but how I need to truly start trusting God's plan and His timing, instead of simply claiming to do so. 

So now it's Friday, and I'm officially past either of my due dates (8/8 by the first measurement at 9 weeks; 8/6 by the NT scan at 12 weeks...I've been going with the 8/6 date in my head all along).  I still really, really, really hope that she comes this weekend (frankly, I'm getting kind of tired of some of the comments from some of my colleagues).  But I'm feeling more at peace and less anxious (don't get me wrong--I'm "positively anxious" about meeting her, but I feel like I'm less "negatively anxious", in the sense that I'm trying not to get "worked up" or frustrated).  I still hope that she does indeed come quickly, but this attitude-adjustment-answer-to-prayer is definitely helping in the mean time. 

Even though my baby isn't here yet, it was a blessing to learn that Cheryl had her baby!  Cheryl is also a loss survivor, and I started following her blog shortly after she found out she was pregnant with her now-three-year-old son.  At the time, she had just heard his heartbeat, and I remember her being filled with such hope--cautious hope, but hope nonetheless.  And it somehow was really a turning point for me, after so much loss, to see that it was indeed possible to inch forward towards starting a family.  A short time later, I got pregnant with Ella; and then we both got pregnant around the same time with our second babies.  I have enjoyed sharing the pregnancy journey with her week by week and I look forward to the baby adventures we'll now experience...whenever my baby finally comes!  Cheryl, blessing to you and your growing family!