Under the Weather (And Continued Prayers for Janet)

I've come down with a little bit of a cold.  It really is very mild, and I'm so blessed that I haven't been sick in a long time.  But I felt the worst yesterday--when I of course had to work (yes on Saturday, for our one weekend Orientation).  It was only a short day, so I mustered up the energy to run by Old Navy for a little more shopping.  I think I did pretty well--nine shirts and two pants for $64.  After my last shopping trip, someone suggested that I would want/need/appreciate the full-panel pants by the end of the pregnancy.  To be honest, I didn't "love" them when I tried them on...but for $12 khakis, I couldn't pass them up.

Then it was home to my couch for movies and a nap.  I think I may have had just a bit of a fever to accompany the itchy/scratchy throat yesterday, but I feel a bit better today...though I'm now coughing.  When I first started feeling sick, my first was for the health of our baby girl.  From everything that I read, it sounds like babies are designed to be rather resilient to maternal illnesses at this point, so I just pray that God protect her from this illness in my body.

As for Janet, she continues to need our prayers.  She is on strict bedrest and is working closely with her doctors, but needs to get to her first milestone--24 weeks--before they can do much.  She is 22 weeks, 5 days today...and headed back to the hospital for some concerns that she experienced this morning.  For more on her condition, please visit her update.  She is an amazing woman of faith, and needs our prayers.

Today's blessing was simply having the chance to listen to the young girl in the row behind us in church as she sang and recited the Lord's Prayer.  This girl and her mom always sit right around us every week (we're Presbyterians...and tend to sit in the same area from week to week), but it was just very precious today to listen to her and think that I have the chance to help shape our own daughter's faith in the years to come.  It's a big responsibility--and I'm so blessed that God has entrusted me with her care.  I so look forward to watching her explore God's goodness in her life.

Maternity Wardrobe Malfunction

I went on my first maternity clothes shopping trip a couple of weeks ago, and have begun to incorporate those items into my wardrobe.  But I've already run into a problem:  I'm 24 weeks pregnant and have already outgrown the tank-top.  Uh oh...

Like I shared yesterday, someone commented that I'm not big enough to be due in September.  My belly is definitely growing...but I think that my maternity wardrobe malfunction is related to a pre-existing condition:  a long torso.  I'm 5'9"...but I swear it's all torso (I can easily fit in the back seat of cars because my legs are so short).

In some ways, the long torso is a beautiful blessing.  For starters, I figure it gives our baby girl plenty of room to move around to her heart's content.  But it causes problems with the wardrobe--and I experienced way too many shirts that were way too short long before I was pregnant.  I don't know why I thought that being pregnant would any easier.  I guess the shirts just look so long on the hanger...but my belly is already peaking out of the bottom on this particular tanktop.  Plenty more is bound to show in the weeks to come!  So I guess it's back to the mall tomorrow (good thing my husband is out of town--but I promise to be as frugal as always).

Today's blessing was a very sweet thank-you note from my ten-year-old niece.  In it, she also told me that she's planning a surprise birthday party for her horse (and it even says "Shh!  Don't tell my mom!  She doesn't know!").  This girl is turning into such a phenomenal young woman, and I can't wait to see her (and the other niece and nephews) in July during our trip to Montana.

"So You're Having a Kid Or Something?"

Ah...you've just got to love the vernacular of today's college male students.  This is literally how my student addressed my pregnancy as he was leaving the appointment today.  Nice, huh?  Oh well--I'm just thrilled that I'm big enough to be recognizable pregnant--especially by such a well spoken young man.

But the notice and comments didn't end there.  I helped present to the parents at our college orientation earlier this week and had a handful of parents comment on my belly.  Their comments were more appropriately along the lines of "when are you due?" or simply "are you expecting?" (although one woman told me that I was too small to be due in September...don't quite know how I feel about that).

I like being noticed...and I like being pregnant.  Scratch that--I love being pregnant (okay...I guess I also love being noticed too).  We worked hard to get here, and I want to cherish this experience.  And yet, I still find myself being resistant to talking too openly about my pregnancy (aside from this blog, of course).  It does get easier as every week passes, but I still find that I guard my emotions and keep so many of these miraculous experiences to myself.  I don't act this way in an intentional way to be distant--rather, sometimes I just can't bring myself to publicly share something which is just so precious to me.

Yesterday's blessing was a colleague who offered me some lightly-used hand-me-down baby items.  Being the thrifty shopper that I am, I jumped at the chance and told her I would love to take any unwanted items off of her hands.  I really admire and look up to this colleague, and I'm equally blessed to have her in our office.

Prayers for Janet

I've never "met" her (at least not "in real life"), but yet I feel that she understands me and can relate to me so much better than some of my "in real life" friends (no offense to those friends--I need and appreciate them too).  Janet, at Trust in God, needs our prayers...like, now!

In her own words:

Hi Everyone,
Just wanted to keep everyone posted since my dr's visit today. I had an u/s and they found out my cervix is fully opened. The only thing holding it is the stitch which is 1.5 cm + the baby's butt is at the opening of the cervix which funneled. I've been put on bedrest and have a followup visit 1 week from now. I have been dilating but I pray that I won't go into contractions. Today I'm 22 weeks and baby's viability is not til 25 weeks. Meaning the baby won't survive if born before that. I'm obviously stressed out because I can't have this happen again. I lost Jacob at 21 weeks and doctor did say if I didn't have the cerclage stitch I definitely would have delivered by now. But having a stitch at 1.5 cm won't do much but keep the cervix closed. Please continue to pray that my baby will hold on til' its safe to deliver and that I won't have any contractions until baby is ready to be considered safe outside the womb. My 1st milestone will be 25 weeks and 2nd will be past 30. Sorry if this does not make sense. My mind is a bit in shock from hearing the news. My husband is very upset and so am I. I continue to rest my faith in God and trust He will save this baby to full term. Thank you for your prayers.
Janet

Since then, Janet has shared that she has been directed to go to the hospital to be monitored.  She has indicated that she may not be able to write much, but when she does, you can follow her story here.

Please keep Janet and her baby girl in your prayers.  Just last night, I was praying for a very "boring" next sixteen weeks for myself--meaning that I asked God to help our baby girl stay safely locked away in my uterus without any sort of complications.  As I was doing so, Janet came to mind, and I extended my boring pregnancy prayers to her as well.  After her update this morning, I continue to pray that God keep Janet and her baby girl safe, and that He bring her and her husband peace in this scary time.  I truly believe in the power of prayer, so please spread the word.

As for us, my blessing today was receiving our very first baby gift.  I came home to discover a package on the porch from my dear friend and former colleague who is in Scotland (you may remember that my husband was going to take me to Scotland to visit them as my Christmas gift...but then I found out that I was pregnant).  This friend is such a great listener and really makes an effort to understand me and my experience.  We would often meet for tea or lunch, and I have really missed that sort of quality time with her.  I hadn't even told her that we had (just barely) started our registry...and yet she totally surprised me with a gift from overseas.  I'm so blessed to have her in my life (even though she is in Scotland this year), and I will always cherish her gift as the very first baby gift that I have ever received.

A Year Ago

A year ago today, we lost our third baby.

Unlike our first loss (on my husband's birthday) and our second loss (on Valentine's Day), there is nothing else marked on the calendar to celebrate today.  I can't claim that today is "bitter-sweet", and mourn the bitterness of the loss but celebrate the sweetness of my husband on his birthday or (the recognizably highly over-commercialized) Valentine's Day.  And yet, I have something else to celebrate.  God has blessed me, and I'm further along in this pregnancy than in any of the previous three.

This morning in church, as I felt our baby girl moving around, I thought about "loss".  Ever since our first loss, I've shared that I've always preferred to refer to the experience as "loss" rather than "miscarriage".  And yet this morning, I had another little "a-ha moment" when I started to formulate the idea that even though I may have experienced the sensation of "losing" those babies (as a "verb"), perhaps they aren't truly "lost" (as an "adjective").  As a Christian, I believe that those who believe in God and accept Him as their Lord and Saviour will be united with Him again in Heaven.  Although the Bible does not specifically address the "what happens when a baby dies?" question, I know that God claims that He loves the little children, thus prompting me to believe that I will on day be reunited with my babies in Heaven.  And so, although I most definitely mourn for the experience of losing those babies, I can't claim them to be "lost".  Rather, I truly believe that they are in Heaven with their Heavenly Father.

In my own selfishness, do I wish that I still had those babies with me?  Of course!  Do I wish that I could have avoided the pain and sorrow that I experienced?  Of course!  And yet, I must remind myself that those babies are in a far superior place with a God who loves them even more than I ever could.  I do look forward to being reunited with them someday in Heaven, but for now, I'm overwhelmed at God's goodness and His abundant blessings in my life.  A year ago, I mourned the loss of our third baby.  Today, as I remember that loss, I also praise God for blessing me with this baby girl who continues to grow and kick and stretch and live in my belly.

Today's blessing is the companionship with my husband that I find through our marriage.  Our pastor preached today on marriage, and how we are created to be "suitable helpers" (or more accurately "strong compliments") to each other.  He may not be perfect in all areas, but my husband really is the perfect companion to me.  Of course...he left today for a two week Army Reserves commitment, but it makes me look forward to the return of his companionship even more.

Provoked? Response? Coincidence?

Am I a horrible mother-to-be for (lightly) poking my stomach every once in a while to solicit a movement from my baby girl?  I don't do it very often, but it's so amazing (and reassuring) to feel her move around.  So yes, I admit that I've been known to jiggle my belly from time to time.  Like I said, I don't do it often...and I figure that I'm not applying any more pressure than my doctor when she performs an ultrasound, so I should be okay...right?  (But if you do know of any reason why this would be harmful, please let me know...okay?).

I do feel selfish for provoking her with my pokes and jiggles.  I can only imagine that she is a sleeping soundly...and is then suddenly interrupted--by her own mother, of all people!  I try to just soak up any unsolicited movement that I can get from her when she is active (like right now), and try to keep my hands still when she is inactive.

Which brings me to this morning.  I woke up a little bit before the alarm, so I had the chance to just lie in bed for a bit.  As they've done for the last 23 weeks, my hands gravitated towards my belly.  But this time, I promise that I wasn't poking or jiggling--just relaxing and waking up.  And yet, she immediately began to move around.  My hand was just lightly resting on my belly--I wasn't applying any sort of pressure.  I previously read somewhere (it was a while back--so don't ask me where) that mothers should touch their belly, as it increases the bond between mother and child and can be soothing for the baby.  So what do you think?  What this an early-morning response from our baby girl?  Or do you think it was just coincidence that she started to move around as I was waking up?  I'm totally aware that perhaps she was moving before I woke up--and perhaps she even woke me up this time (maybe she's getting her "revenge" for the times when I interrupt her beauty sleep).  Or, on the other side of the coin, I recognize that her hearing is fairly well developed by this point in the pregnancy, so maybe she awoke to the internal sounds of my body waking up and started moving around just as I was moving my hand to my belly to steal a few minutes with just her and my thoughts before facing the day.

So although I'm guilty of intentionally provoking her on previous occassions, I'm going to mark this morning's experience down as either a response or a coincidence.  Either way, it was a perfect start to my day.

Today's blessing was getting the call (well, yesterday) that our furniture for the nursery has arrived!  It's still a little bit scary to move it all in, but I'm mostly excited.  And it came in just in time.  My husband is (supposed to be) leaving for two weeks on Sunday for his Army Reserves commitment, and it would be really hard for me to know that our furniture was waiting to be picked up on the other side of town.  Instead, we'll be able to get it all home and inside, and now that I have the projector, I'll have a project on which I can work while he's gone to make the time fly by.  And yes, I'll be sure to post pictures of the nursery once we have it all put together.

The Challenge of Selecting Names After Loss

We've known that we're expecting a girl for seven weeks now.  But we are no closer to choosing a name than we were when we first learned that our doctor was 70% she is is a "she".  On that day, my husband and I goofed around with songs that have girls names in them.  My (fake) favorite from the list of song names:  Clementine ("Oh My Darling"); my husband's (fake) favorite name from the list of song names:  Elvira.  I promise that we are not naming our daughter Clementine or Elvira (no offense if you have a friend or family member or daughter named either of the above--they just aren't for us).

My husband has made it perfectly clear that he's not ready to decide on a name, and he wants to reserve the right to meet her first before making the final call.  Although I love to plan (and it would be really sweet to incorporate her name into the nursery and share it with everyone out there), I'm surprisingly okay with waiting.  He hasn't asked for much in this pregnancy, and I can respect his request to meet her first.  I did, however, tell him that I'd like to have it narrowed down to no more than 3-5 options by then.

I hadn't expected it to be this hard.  Even when we were just dating (but knew that we would eventually get married), we talked about names.  My husband is a huge Cubs fan, so we thought it would be cool to use team-inspired names.  We clearly had at least one name--both first and middle--for either gender.  We were in agreement, and we were satisfied with our choices.

But then we lost our first baby...and then the second...and then the third.  I never fully "named" the babies that we lost.  I will never know if they were boys or girls.  But all I know is that the names that my husband and I so naively picked out when we were just thinking about embarking on this journey were intended for those babies.  I just don't feel right about using those pre-selected names.

And so, we now face the challenge of selecting names after loss.  It's back to square one...or the drawing board...whichever you prefer.  And I'm realize that I'm okay with it.  I recognize that I'm in a totally different place now that I was when we first selected those previous names.  I still think that they are beautiful names...they just aren't right for this baby girl that I'm carrying.  (In a future post, I'll share some of my criteria for name selection.)

Today's blessing was finding a colleague from the other side of campus who is letting me borrow her office's projector so that I can project images of bedding-inspired butterflies onto the walls of the nursery.  This brings me one step closer to creating the nursery of my dreams.