I had an interesting heart-to-heart conversation with my husband a few nights before Christmas (yes, I realize that was almost two weeks ago now...but I haven't had much time to get on here and share the experience). He still didn't know what to get me for Christmas, and shared that he was frustrated with me for being difficult to shop for (and apparently his mom and sisters were frustrated as well). I really struggled to answer the "what do you want for Christmas?" question this year--because honestly, all that I want is a baby. My husband is definitely part of the equation in creating a baby, but it's not like he can wrap that sort of gift up for me (at least not anything I can open on Christmas morning...in front of his family).
Somehow the "what do you want for Christmas?" conversation turned into him disclosing that he thinks I'm sad. He feels like I refused to ask for anything for Christmas because he thinks that I think that I must not "deserve" anything. He shared that he thinks I'm too focused on getting (and staying) pregnant, that it inhibits me from having fun in other areas of life. The thing that alarmed me the most is that when I pressed him to "quantify" his perception of my sadness, he said that he thinks I'm sad 40% of the time. Really?!?! That's almost three full days out of the week! Here I was, thinking that I was doing pretty well at handling the pain of three losses, and my husband--the person who knows me best--thinks I'm sad 40% of the time. I really don't know what to think.
This conversation was a really healthy heart-to-heart. It wasn't a "fight" by any means, but it was totally revealing. I still don't know if he's totally convinced that I'm not sad 40% of the time. And the truth is--I'm not the same naive girl I was when I married him three years ago (another theme of our conversation). I don't believe that any woman can suffer through multiple losses and come out exactly the same. We're bound to change in some capacity. I hope that I've grown and developed in positive ways through this experience, but I know that there are parts of me that are a bit damaged now. I admit that it's hard for me to be 100% totally carefree when a piece of my heart still aches. But I believe that I'm doing much better than the 60% that he must see. So I guess I need to work on showing him more of my inner joy more often...any ideas?
So you may be wondering what he did end up getting me for Christmas, after such a lengthy discussion. I'm totally blessed that he wants to take me to Scotland. A dear friend and former colleague is in Scotland for a year while her husband completes his master's degree, and I really want to visit her and see the land of my heritage. When I first brought it up to my husband, he said it was out of our budget. But he has since reconsidered our finances, and says that it will work. (I think he also got the travel bug from his layover in Paris on his way home from Africa). So it's such a blessing to look forward to spending 10 days with such an amazing man in Scotland in the next few months.