Friday, October 26, 2012

Not Meant To Be

Well, either the OPKs were wrong...or perhaps I've developed a Luteal Phase Defect.  Either way, my cycle started with spotting on Sunday, only a week or so after the tests tell me that I ovulated (though other signs would lead me to believe that I ovulated sooner...thus further confirming that I really have no idea what's going on in my body).  So, 34 days...not nearly as text-book as it was last month with my perfect 28 day cycle, but hey, it's relatively regular for me, so I guess it's acceptable.  I feel like I'm constantly trying to convince myself that anything within 35 days is "normal". 

I'm starting to feel like maybe this just isn't meant to be--at least not now; perhaps not ever.  I'm really trying hard to not play the "woe is me" role.  That statement isn't coming from a place of pity, but rather, of a place of acceptance.  Since getting my hormone imbalance relatively under control with diet and exercise, this is the longest I've gone without getting pregnant.  Yes, we tried a full year before our first loss, but that's when my cycles were crazy.  Since then, my three subsequent pregnancies (and one live birth) were never "easy", by any means, but they all happened within a couple of months of trying.  We're now going on ten months of actively trying--on top of a year of hoping that I would somehow mysteriously and beautifully end up pregnant while nursing.

I'm not going to lie--I'm kind of tired of trying so hard.  I'm tired of eating all the right things and doing all those crunches and feeling like I always have to be so darned careful.  I'm tired of trying to guess at interpreting symptoms.  I'm tired of thinking about it.  I'm tired of wondering.

My mom says that I have an "all or nothing" approach to life.  I don't think I know any different, especially in the world of in/fertility.  I've asked my husband to pray about what he thinks God wants us to do.  When I tried to convey to him, through frustrated tears, what I was feeling when my cycle started, his immediate response was that we could just take a break.  That's not necessarily what I wanted to hear.  But continuing to try wasn't quite the response I was looking for either.  For once, I didn't want his immediate opinion.  I want God's direction, and I think I'm a little too wrapped up in it to hear Him clearly.  So perhaps my husband can do some listening for me.

Then again, I have days like I did yesterday when Ella and I had a hard time getting out the door on time, and I was left wondering how I would even manage to survive if I was indeed blessed enough to have another child.  I know I'd find a way to make it work, but maybe that was God whispering, ever so gently, that it's not meant to least not now.

I'm blessed this weekend to go to the football game with Ella.  Since we live in the desert, so many of the games are evening games, and it's past her bedtime.  My parents did bring her to a late game the night before her birthday, but they left at halftime.  She's been talking about the football game ever since then, so I'm really looking forward to a "mommy-daughter date" with her tomorrow while my husband is out of town. 

Saturday, October 20, 2012

How Did I Get So Lucky?

I'm getting dangerously close to that point in our journey of trying to add to our family when I go from "patiently waiting" to "desperately frustrated".  I'm not quite there yet, and I keep trying to push those feelings away.  But it's leaving me wondering "how did I get so lucky with Ella?". 

I know "luck" really has nothing to do with it.  I am reminded daily that she is such an amazing gift from God.  And yet I still catch myself trying to think back to December 2009 to see if I can figure out what went right that month that allowed me to a) ovulate with a good egg, b) conceive, and c) carry to term, thus resulting in this awesome two year old that I have today. Was it something I ate?  I know that I started the cycle with pizza as we helped our very-dear friends move in to their new place.  I remember trying to eat healthy while we were celebrating Christmas with my in-laws in Montana...but I ended up snacking on some pretzel and jello casserole (sounds crazy but that salty and sweet combination was awesome).  Was it my workout routine?  I'm still doing the prescribed 200 crunches (well, at least on most days), but I replaced the yoga with running.  I'm waking up at 5:00 am as it is...I don't know if I can make it any earlier.  Besides, I have to remind myself that I conceived Ella right after winter break, when I wasn't working out nearly as often.  I know it's crazy, but I find that I'm even trying to remember what shampoo and toothpaste I was using at the time--as if that could somehow recreate whatever chemical balance I need. 

Remember that 28 day cycle last month with which I was so pleased?  It seems it was a fluke.  I was hopeful that I was finally on the right track, and I did all the right things, but it didn't happen again this month.  In fact, I opted to try OPKs...but with a history of PCOS, I don't know if that was such a good idea.  According to the tests, I may (or may not) have ovulated last weekend around Day 24...when my husband was at Army Reserve Drill.  Drat.

I keep reminding myself that Ella is awesome.  Being a mom to her is amazing (and yes, challenging at times too).  I'm trying not to lose sight of what I have in her.  I'm trying to swing back to the "patiently waiting" side of the pendulum.  But gosh it's hard when I don't get what I want. 

This morning's blessing was being able to comfort Ella when she woke up crying.  When I ask her if she had a nightmare, she told me "Mommy left Ella".  I don't like her to be sad, but yet it was also so sweet that she was concerned that I would leave her!  It's nice to be needed. 

Saturday, October 13, 2012


We brought Ella camping for the first time over Labor Day weekend.  Yes, I realize that Labor Day was over a month ago, but it's been a busy month and I finally have a quiet Saturday morning to capture the moment.

We opted to just go for one night, so that my husband could make it back in time to go to the football game.  We left after work on Friday, and my husband drove fast enough to get us up the mountain before the sun set...but we did discover that Ella can get a little carsick on windy and bumpy roads.

Here are some of my favorite memories:

Waking up and starting breakfast.

Going exploring while Daddy slept in.

Discovering a field of wildflowers on our little exploration.

More flowers.

She LOVES the little camp chair we got for her.
The highlight of the trip, at least for me, was staying back at the camp to do my quiet time while my husband brought Ella for a little walk.  They came back a little later with her on his shoulders, carrying a bouquet of wildflowers that they had picked for me.  That definitely constitutes as the most beautiful, fragrant, thoughtful flowers I have ever received!

Flowers for Mommy.
My husband and I love to camp (he initially tried to propose on a camping trip...but his plans were foiled because it snowed on us and cut our trip short), and I'm so glad that Ella enjoyed her first trip so much.  We're looking forward to more camping trips in the future.

Yesterday's blessing was the chance to go out to dinner with Ella and my husband yesterday.  He just got back from an out of town work trip, and then left for Army Reserve Drill this morning, so it was nice to have some quality family time together with both of them last night.