I'm getting dangerously close to that point in our journey of trying to add to our family when I go from "patiently waiting" to "desperately frustrated". I'm not quite there yet, and I keep trying to push those feelings away. But it's leaving me wondering "how did I get so lucky with Ella?".
I know "luck" really has nothing to do with it. I am reminded daily that she is such an amazing gift from God. And yet I still catch myself trying to think back to December 2009 to see if I can figure out what went right that month that allowed me to a) ovulate with a good egg, b) conceive, and c) carry to term, thus resulting in this awesome two year old that I have today. Was it something I ate? I know that I started the cycle with pizza as we helped our very-dear friends move in to their new place. I remember trying to eat healthy while we were celebrating Christmas with my in-laws in Montana...but I ended up snacking on some pretzel and jello casserole (sounds crazy but that salty and sweet combination was awesome). Was it my workout routine? I'm still doing the prescribed 200 crunches (well, at least on most days), but I replaced the yoga with running. I'm waking up at 5:00 am as it is...I don't know if I can make it any earlier. Besides, I have to remind myself that I conceived Ella right after winter break, when I wasn't working out nearly as often. I know it's crazy, but I find that I'm even trying to remember what shampoo and toothpaste I was using at the time--as if that could somehow recreate whatever chemical balance I need.
Remember that 28 day cycle last month with which I was so pleased? It seems it was a fluke. I was hopeful that I was finally on the right track, and I did all the right things, but it didn't happen again this month. In fact, I opted to try OPKs...but with a history of PCOS, I don't know if that was such a good idea. According to the tests, I may (or may not) have ovulated last weekend around Day 24...when my husband was at Army Reserve Drill. Drat.
I keep reminding myself that Ella is awesome. Being a mom to her is amazing (and yes, challenging at times too). I'm trying not to lose sight of what I have in her. I'm trying to swing back to the "patiently waiting" side of the pendulum. But gosh it's hard when I don't get what I want.
This morning's blessing was being able to comfort Ella when she woke up crying. When I ask her if she had a nightmare, she told me "Mommy left Ella". I don't like her to be sad, but yet it was also so sweet that she was concerned that I would leave her! It's nice to be needed.