Peaceful Easy Feeling

I think I want to coin a new phrase:  HTC.  Hoping To Conceive.

We all know that in the world of baby-making, TTC stands for "Trying To Conceive".  But I don't think I'm there yet...not physically, not emotionally. I'm not ready to "try".  The thought of "trying" is kind of exhausting on multiple levels.  And yet, part of me feels like I'm wasting time if I'm not trying. 

Ever since Summer 2007 when I convinced my husband that I should go off birth control, I've had babies on my mind.  To recap, I went through a year of anovulation, followed by a year of loss, followed by some healthy times of growth, followed--finally--by Ella.  There were times along our journey when my husband accused me of being "obsessed" with getting--and staying--pregnant.  I waved him off, saying that even the most supportive husbands just don't understand.  But now that I have my Ella and can take a better look at myself, I recognize that he was right.  I admit it, there were times when I let myself get obsessed with trying to start a family. 

I found out I was pregnant with Ella in late January 2010, and breastfed her through January 2012.  For two blissful years, I did not have to think about getting pregnant.  I didn't have to think about my cycle.  I didn't have think about ovulation.  I didn't have to track my temperature.  I didn't have to lay still with my hips on a pillow.  I didn't have to pee on a stick while crossing my fingers and holding my breathing and saying a prayer.  For two blissful years, I didn't have to worry. 

The thought of going through all of that worrying and wondering again is exhausting.  Don't get me wrong--I want another baby, but I don't want to have to "try".

And yet, I had to try--really hard--for Ella.  She was worth it. 

Which is why I think I have a peaceful easy feeling about "Hoping To Conceive" instead of "Trying To Conceive" at this stage of the game.  I am starting to feel like I would be okay if Ella is the only child in our lives.

That feels so strange to say!  But I really think that I would be okay if she's all I get.  And when I truly think about the concept, I recognize that I initially felt this way back when she was nine days old.  You may remember that I ended up in the hospital shortly after giving birth to her because I had a hematoma (blood clot) that required emergency surgery.  Before they put me under, they shared that they might need to perform a hysterectomy in the worst case scenario.  My thought then--as it is now--was "Okay God, if that's what you want, then at least I have Ella!".  Here I am, 17 months later, with two post-nursing cycles under my belt, thinking the same thing.

Again, I do indeed want another baby.  I loved being pregnant, I love being a mom, and I love watching Ella light up around babies.  I also love my husband dearly, and I know that he wants more children (and would especially love to be a father to a boy).  I just want to be able to sustain this peaceful easy feeling in which I'm okay hoping instead of trying.

Today's blessing is one of my colleagues at work who was so patient and helpful for me as I worked on a project.  He can be a rather difficult man at times, but I've also found him to be such an insightful teacher. 

Better Late Than Never

40 days for this last cycle.  I've had better, but I've also had a heck of a lot worse. 

It came early last Saturday morning--the day when I was in charge of coordinating our big interview day for over 500 students.  It ruined my opportunity to wear the cute new suit I had ordered.  But I decided that my old baggy black suit would probably be a better wardrobe option over the new form-fitting light-grey slacks that I had been looking forward to wearing. 

I knew that there was 0% chance of pregnancy for that cycle, since my husband was out of the country for the duration.  It made it easy for me to look forward to when it would start.  Now...I'm not quite sure how I feel.  I'm still trying to wrap my mind around how I'm feeling about trying again.  I'll try to formulate the right words to articulate what I'm feeling.  My husband leaves for his Army Reserve weekend drill tomorrow morning, so maybe I'll get the chance to put my thoughts down on paper (er, the web?).

Today's blessing was the chance to chat with Ella's lead teacher in her classroom this morning (she usually arrives 10 minutes after I leave, and Ella spends the first 10 minutes of each day with a "sub").  It was just really great to hear that Ella and her friend Madelyn are both doing really great with learning all sorts of new things in the class.  I'm really glad that the change at the beginning of the year is really working out.

I Don't Know Why I Thought It Would Be Any Different

I don't know why I thought it would be any different this time around. 

I guess I got my hopes up that things would return to "normal" since my cycle came back so quickly after I stopped breastfeeding.  I also (lovingly) blame my mom--she tells me that she had to work very hard for me (I was a Clomid baby), but that after she had me, her cycles became very regular and she had no problems when it came time to try to add my brothers into the picture.

Here I sit at cycle day 33.  Yes, I realize that perhaps my body is still trying to figure things out after nursing for a 15 months, and I know that I'm within the "normal" range for a cycle (and watch--now that I'm here writing about it, chances are it will show up tonight and God will laugh at me for being so over dramatic).  Keep in mind that my husband has been out of the country for this entire cycle, so no, there is no chance that I'm late in that sort of way. 

I think I'm also bummed because I'm rather confused.  I thought that I had perhaps ovulated on Day 14--which would be as "perfect" as you can get.  But those "signs" have been sticking around ever since then, which I've read can be symptomatic in women who struggle with PCOS.  Dang my crazy hormones!  Now I'm kicking myself for not temping or testing this last month so that I could better understand my cycle.  I had thought about it, but figured that my experience would be like my mom's and things would just simply become "normal".

It looks like if I want to have any success in conceiving and--more importantly--carrying to term, I'm going to have to get back into my crazy healthy habits again.  Although I was being much better about not stealing candy from the candy dish at work, I admit that I was "cheating" a bit here and there when pastries were brought in to our break room (if I wasn't eating them, they would just be wasted...right?).  As it is, since going back to work in January 2011, I've already been getting up at 5:00 am so that I could get to work on time after getting myself and Ella ready.  How the heck am I supposed to try to squeeze a workout in any earlier than that?!

My husband says that he's "ready" to start trying again, but that he doesn't want me to get too wrapped up in it.  And I admit that there was definitely a time when I was obsessed with trying to conceive.  I am in a very different place now--spiritually and emotionally--but that doesn't make it any easier.  As hard as I try to just kick back and trust God's timing, how they heck am I not supposed to think about it?!

Not to mention, it dawned on me the other day that among the RPL blogs that I follow in this community, two women have gotten pregnant again...and I'm sad to say that they both lost their babies.  So what made me think that it would be any different now?  Apparently loss still happens, even after hope.

Okay, I feel like I got some of my frustration out.  I know that some of you can totally relate, and that gives me comfort.  I shouldn't be complaining--I have a beautiful Ella girl napping in the other room.  If she's all I get, she's more than I could have ever dreamed.

Today's blessing was spending the morning over at the home of Ella's friend Madelyn.  Her mom has really become a good friend, and I love watching the girls play together so nicely.

Ella-isms (Vol. 2)

It's been a couple of months since I shared some Ella-isms, so I wanted to capture some more of her antics:

Barefoot Beauty
For whatever reason, Ella doesn't like to wear shoes in the car.  Typically, by the time that I make it out of the parking lot, I hear the unmistakable rip of velcro, followed by the "uh, uh, uh" straining of a toddler trying to reach forward from her five-point harness to reach her socks and pull them off as well.  I've gotten to the point where I don't even bother putting her shoes on in the morning before we go to school.  Rather, I just put them on when we arrive at her daycare.  I don't blame her--I love to go barefoot as well.  And now that she's playing outside more at her new school, she's slowly transferring every grain of sand from the sandbox to the backseat of our car.

Clean Freak
My mother-in-law tells me stories of my husband as a child, and how he wiped his hands on a napkin after every bite of food he ate.  Well, Ella is clearly his daughter, because she does the same thing.  Tonight, she was more interested in cleaning the table, than she was in eating her food.  I can only hope that this means that she'll do well with cleaning up her room when she's older.

Mama's Little Helper
Speaking up cleaning up, I've started having Ella help me clean up her toys every evening before we read our books and go to bed.  I'm very impressed with how quickly she caught on that all her toys go in the box at the end of the day.  Even more impressive--she has begun to help me unload the dishwasher, all by herself.  She'll take each utensil out of the little caddy and stack them all up in the drawer where they belong!  Granted, they are all piled up, rather than in their own compartments, but it's still really neat that she pitched in to help out.

Monkey See, Monkey Do
When my mom was in town, she taught Ella the sign for "monkey".  We then went to the zoo before she left, and the monkeys were giving us quite the show!  Ella now signs for monkey, and tries to imitate the "whoop!" sound that they make.  Since she is so interested in monkeys, I tried to buy her some new books with monkeys, and ended up with three new Curious George books.  Turns out that Curious George came to campus today for a storybook character event, so Ella got to see him up close and personal.  She didn't quite know what to think, but she did give him a high-five and waved bye-bye.  We'll go to the zoo again tomorrow (I'm bound and determined to take full advantage of our annual pass).

Hugs and Kisses
Ella has become very affectionate lately.  When I'm rocking her and singing songs at night, she'll often pat my back or take my face in her hands, look me straight in the eye, and give me a big kiss.  When I put her down and say her prayers, she then blows me a kiss from her bed when I tell her that I love her.  The other day when I was sitting on the ground, she came up behind me a gave a giant hug.  But I'm not the only one she'll hug--she loves to give her friend Madelyn hugs as well.  We started by prompting them, but now both girls will give and receive hugs to each other on their own.  I love that she has become so kind to others.

Today's blessing was running into my friend and former colleague at the Curious George event.  She was there with her son, who is now three, and it's so neat to see him turning into a big boy.  I really miss working with her, but I'm so proud of her for following her dreams.

Grandma to the Rescue!

I'm starting in to my busy time at work (okay, let's be honest--it seems like it's always a busy time at work lately, but this time it's for a project that is largely my responsibility). I had to work late two nights this last week, giving presentations to nearly 600 students.  With my husband still out of the country, that left me in a bind with what to do with Ella on those evenings. 

Luckily, my mom was an anxious to see Ella, as I was to find someone to watch her.  So I picked up my mom from the airport late Wednesday afternoon, picked up Ella from daycare, handed her off to my mom, and went back to work.  My mom said that she gave one little complaint as they drove away, but was totally fine after that.  She was asleep by the time I got home.  Sadly, she was still asleep when I left the next morning!  But my mom brought her in for a Chinese New Year celebration at her new school, and we then had lunch together. 

The last time that Ella saw my mom was in September for her birthday and baptism, but she either remembers her or has just done really well adjusting to her.  She even hopped off my lap and chose to go to my mom at one point yesterday.  She does the sign for Grandma when my mom isn't in the room.  It really makes me happy to see her bonding with my mom.  It's hard having them in California, but we make the most of our time when we are together.

I always knew that my mom would be a wonderful grandmother.  From her work as a Marriage and Family Therapist, she is so wise about reading others--especially children.  She has been teaching Ella all sorts of new songs and games.  Now I just need to try to remember all of the lyrics so I can continue to sing them to her!

Today's blessing was getting a text from my friend and colleague letting me know that her beta levels more than doubled in 48 hours.  She also suffers from PCOS (and also doesn't fit the normal symptoms), and has let me share my journey with her; and her journey with me.  I know I shared previously that I was sad when my very-dear friend shared with me that she was pregnant, but I felt different this time with my colleague.  I was so genuinely excited for her when she told me that she was pregnant, and it gives me hope that I won't always be a jealous person.  Please keep this friend in your prayers, as I know how fragile life can be.

Reproached

I was reproached today for keeping Ella with me in church.  I believe that the woman genuinely thought that she was being helpful by offering her advice.  I admit--I was hurt by her words, so much that it made me feel sick to my stomcach until I had a chance to talk to another friend (and mom) about it.  But I wanted to get the feedback of others--moms, friends, anyone. 

The woman--who has two college-aged daughters--approached me after the service under the premise of concern for me that I wasn't able to focus during church because I was trying to keep Ella entertained.  She suggested that the church has a wonderful nursery--which they most definitely do...but Ella hates it.  We tried the nursery a couple of times, and Ella cried the whole time.  I shared this with the woman, and she argued that it's important for children to have some time apart from their parents, and we show them that we love them by always coming back for them.  I shared that Ella is in daycare during the week, so she understands that I come back for her everyday.  It probably didn't help the situation that one of her daughters works in the nursery every other week, and I admit that I actually used the word "hate" to describe Ella's feelings towards the place.  She carried on a bit about how faith is such an important thing, and how I need to role model this to Ella as she grows up.  And I do definitely agree that faith is important, so I thanked her for her feedback and tried to make a graceful getaway.

I will be the first to admit that Ella is a handful in church.  She definitely knows how to "make a joyful noise until the Lord".  I recognize that I do spend a good amount of time trying to keep her occupied.  But it boils down to this:  I want to worship with my child.  I want her to know the people who pray for us.  I want her to grow up knowing the praise songs.  I want her to recognize that church and Christ are a big part of our lives.

But I don't want to be selfish.  I don't want to simply keep her with me just so that I can hold my little miracle in my arms while praising and thanking God for her.  I don't want to distract from other worshipers.  I don't want to contain her, if she truly would be happier playing with other kids in the nursery. 

I'm not a perfect mom, but I want to be a good mom.  And I want to be a good wife and church member and citizen.  So what do I do?  The nasty part of me wants to refuse to bring Ella to the nursery just to spite the other woman, but I don't think that's the answer.  I don't know if she approached me out of genuine concern for my spiritual nourishment, or if it's that Ella is distracting her from learning in church, or if she just thinks that I should do it the way that she did it because her way worked for her.  If it is that Ella is just too distracting, then I wish that she would just come right out and say "your kid is too loud, please take them to the nursery".  That would have hurt, but I would have known that it was dead-honest (with that being said, if you attend our church and you think that this is the truth, you have my permission to tell me so).

Anyone?  Thoughts?  Opinions?  How do you balance keeping a joyful 16-month old joyful while still growing in your own faith and helping others to do the same?

Today's blessing was my very-dear friend who justified my feelings and assured me that she would have "unleashed wrath" if the woman had addressed her and her two-weeks-younger-than-Ella little boy.  It was just what I needed to hear to make that nasty feeling in my stomach go away.

I Just Realized...

...that I never shared any pictures from our trip to Montana!

As the youngest grandchild, Ella had the responsibility of putting the Baby Jesus in the manger. 

Her cousin Miranda was so wonderful about playing with Ella, and watched her on New Year's Eve so we could go out.

We had a gorgeous sunrise every single morning. 

Ella "ice skates" on the frozen reservoir on the family ranch.

Warming up with dad.

Cousin Kyle, who crocheted the hat that Ella is wearing as his gift for her.

Is Miranda not the most beautiful 13-year old you've ever seen?  She's caring, clever, and talented too!

Ella LOVED playing with the dogs, and I loved watching her confidence around them grow.

We finally took her "Christmas Picture" the day we were packing up to head home.

Today's blessing was that I got to talk to my husband (who is in Korea).  We're trying to Skype each morning, but he's still adjusting to the time difference, so 6:00 in the morning for me is 10:00 at night for him.  I didn't get to talk to him yesterday, and it really made me sad.  Ella woke up early this morning, but I turned it into an opportunity to snuggle in bed with her and talk to him.  I would have preferred to snuggle in bed with both of them to start my morning, but I'll take what I can get.