One Month Check-Up

It's hard to believe it...but we celebrated having Ella as part of our life for one month on Saturday.  It really has been such an amazing month.  Sure, I haven't had a lot of sleep (or many showers) this month, but I have my Ella!

She had her one month check-up with the pediatrician yesterday, and everything looks great.  She is up to 9 pounds, 2 ounces (from her original birth weight of 7pounds, 6 ounces) and has grown almost two inches (though she is still smaller than my very-dear friend's BIG little boy who was already 9 pounds at birth).   She seems to be experiencing mild cases of some of the typical baby issues--like baby acne and cradle cap--but like I said, they are pretty mild, so they should resolve themselves on their own.  The pediatrician also confirmed that she called for the results of the second round of newborn screening tests, and all of those--including the hypothyroidism--all came back normal.  All in all, it was a great appointment, and we'll go back in a month for the dreaded  immunizations ("dreaded" just because it will break my heart to see her in pain from her shots...I'm not here to debate the pros or cons of the perceived risks or benefits of immunizations).

I leave you with a picture from her the day she turned one month old:

Today's blessing was a good night's sleep for the last two nights in a row.  We all had a pretty rough night on Saturday night, where Ella just wanted to feed all the way from 2:00 am until I finally had to get ready for church around 6:00 am.  Once we got into a routine, she had been pretty good about sleeping for 3-4 hour chunks at night, so Saturday night was somewhat of an anomaly (or perhaps a growth spurt).  But it looks like we've gotten back to our "it's nighttime and it's time to sleep" schedule (still waking up every 3-4 hours to nurse, of course).  You don't realize just how much you value your sleep (even if it is interrupted) until you go a night without any!  But I know that God has graced me with His wisdom and patience in helping Ella get back to sleep.

Love-Hate Relationship

I love breastfeeding.  I love the bonding time I get to spend with Ella, I love that I can give her body the nourishment that it needs, and I love the way she looks up at me with her beautiful blue eyes.  I have been blessed that breastfeeding has been a really good experience thus far.  She latched and nursed well from within the first hour of birth, and--as far as I can tell--things continue to go well.

But I hate pumping.  It hurts, it seems so unnatural to be hooked up to a machine, and I always end up feeling like a cow.  Not to mention, it always sounds like the motor of the pump is telling me to "wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up".  Ella is a very efficient eater, and I never seem to have that much milk leftover, so it often feels like a futile attempt to pump after nursing (it seems like I'm averaging 1.5 ounces each time).  But I want to build up my supply--both internally and externally.  Perhaps it might be better if we rented one of the higher-quality pumps from the hospital, but for now, I think I'm just going to grin and bear it (and by "grin", I really mean "grimace through the pain but know that it's worth it"). 

Any thoughts or recommendations on how I can make pumping a more enjoyable experience?  Also, I'd be curious to hear about anyone's "system" for pumping, storing, freezing, bottling, etc.  I know that there are plenty of "how-to guidelines" online, but it's kind of nice to hear it from women who I trust.

Today's blessing was having my husband stay home with me.  He woke up with a bit of a headache, so decided to just stay home.  I've noticed that he's been more and more willing to skip out on work ever since Ella arrived, whereas he was previously so diligent about building up his vacation time and not taking a day off for himself.  It was really nice to have him home with me and Ella--he really is so wonderful with her!

Reoccurring Nightmare

Ella sleeps in a cradle right next to our bed.  I love having her near me for the convenience of night feedings, and because...well...I just love having her near me.  But we don't co-sleep.  I recognize that co-sleeping works wonderfully for some families, but it's just not for us.  In fact, I'm deathly afraid of falling asleep with her in the bed and having some horrible accident. 

And it appears as though this fear is invading my dreams.  Nearly every night, I wake up in a near-panic from a dream--or actually it's more like a nightmare--that I somehow brought Ella into bed with us and then fell asleep and lost her in the blankets.  It freaks me out every night...until I look over and see her sleeping calmly in her cradle right next to me.

I think part of the fear stems from the very first night at home when things were less than perfect.  My milk was still coming in, we hadn't established a routine yet, and Ella was still figuring out what was day and what was night.  We were up fairly often that night (and the next), and I was so exhausted that I just nursed her while sitting up in bed.  But I found my eyes starting to close...and I really struggled to stay awake.  Okay, I admit it--I probably dozed off for a bit.  Thank God nothing bad happened--but I have been very careful to get up out of bed and sit in a chair to nurse her ever since.

Perhaps these reoccurring nightmares will subside in time as Ella begins to sleep through the night, and as I develop more confidence in my parenting abilities.  I guess it just goes to show that the worry doesn't stop with the delivery--I now have a whole new set of worries!  All I can do is trust that God will give me the strength, confidence, and wisdom that I need at the right times.

Today's blessing is the chance to head into town with my husband and Ella to participate in the Homecoming activities.  I know that I'll have a lot of students and colleagues--both current and former--who will be around campus and are anxious to meet Ella, so I'm really looking forward to seeing everyone and introducing them to her.

What's In a Name?

So I recently realized that even though we finally decided on a name for our Baby Girl after finally meeting her (three weeks ago now...can you believe it?!?!), I never share why we chose her name.

You may remember that I previously shared my criteria for selecting a name.   Here is how her name--Eleanor Debra--stands up to what I was looking for:

1. Be more "traditional" than "trendy":  Check!  In fact, I'd say that "Eleanor" is so much on the "traditional" side that my mother-in-law originally turned up her nose at it, saying that it "sounded too old for a little girl".
2. Be just unique enough that it is easily recognizable and prounceable, and yet not have five other girls in her class with the same name (ie, probably not a name in the top 20 of today's most popular names--turns out that Laura was #20 the year I was born, and I don't know too many other Laura's):  Check!  "Eleanor" is ranked #218 in popularity...though "Ella" is already ranked #14.  Both have gained popularity in the last ten years, but hopefully she will still be "unique enough".
3. Not remind either of us of someone "mean" who we knew with that name: Check!  On the contrary, my childhood friend--who taught me everything I know about what it means to be a good friend--was the inspiration behind "Eleanor".  But since "Eleanor" may sound a little too grown-up for a baby (see item #1), we opted to just stick with "Ella" for now (besides, with a name like "Laura" that can't be shortened...I always wanted my child to be able to have a nickname).
4. Have a significant meaning:  Check!  "Eleanor" means "Light".  Though we chose the name first rather than the meaning, I do think that it is significant that her name means "Light", because she truly has brightened our world after the darker periods of loss.  And in case you're wondering, "Debra" means "Bee".
5. Work well with the middle name that we have chosen to honor my mom, as well as our last name:  Check!  Though this was harder than we had imagined!  But I think that once we realized that a three-syllable first name would work best with "Debra", it made it a bit easier to narrow it down to "Eleanor Debra".
6. Sound good as she's walking across the stage at graduation:  Check!  I like that it sounds traditional and...sophisticated.  And actually, the book of baby names that we purchased years and years ago when we first started trying has a list of "Intelligent Sounding Names" (as well as other lists...including "Blonde Sounding Names"), and I was pleased to see that "Eleanor" made the list (although I admit that I don't know how the list was actually generated).  I should admit that we also considered how her name would sound at her wedding...years and years and years from now.

And yes, "Eleanor" was on my husband's list as well...though I think he took it from the old Beatles' song.  It wasn't originally #1 on his list...but after delivering her, I think he would have given me absolutely anything in the world for which I may have asked.

I was also pleasantly surprised to find the name "Ella" in a significant piece of literature (at least for me) the other day.  I was named after Laura Ingalls Wilder (you know, from the Little House on the Prairie series), and have read and reread the books multiple times.  In fact, my parents have a picture of my dad reading one of the books to me when I was about Ella's age.  So of course, I in turn have begun reading them to Ella (and plan to do so again when she is old enough to appreciate the story).  It turns out that Laura's cousin is named Ella!  It's such a minor little part--the cousins come to visit for Christmas--but it still felt so fitting when I found that name alongside the character who inspired my name.

So there you go.  "Eleanor Debra"...or simply "Ella"...she is so incredibly precious to us!

And while on the topic of her name, I feel it's only right to recognize the two women behind her name as my blessings.  I have learned so much about what it takes to be a daughter, a mom, and a friend from each of them in their own way.  They are both amazingly strong, committed, caring, and nurturing.  They have both seen me at my absolute worst...and both help me to reach my optimal best.  I truly am blessed to have my "Eleanor", my "Debra", and my "Eleanor Debra" in my life.

My Blogging Future

Like so many others in this community have expressed, this blog was kind of a "lifesaver" for me as my husband and I struggled along the journey of infertility and loss.  I started it when I found out I was pregnant for the third time, hoping and praying that it would simply be a "pregnancy blog".  In time, it did eventually document my experience of carrying a beautiful baby to full term...but it wasn't on the timeline that I had imagined.  It helped me through the anger of that third loss, and in doing so, helped me to heal from the entire experience, which in turn helped me to grow--as a wife, as a daughter, as a friend, and now as a mother.

I'm not ready to leave this community.  I appreciate and admire the women who have encouraged and supported me along my journey so much.  Just because I have given birth to Ella doesn't mean that I am "healed" or "graduated" or "done" with the experience of loss.  It's something that doesn't go away--and I am forever changed because of what I've been through.  I feel as though I still need this community for the ongoing support and encouragement that I felt as I worked through the loss, then as I developed faith throughout the pregnancy, and now as I celebrate the life of Ella.  I don't feel like I can just walk away now.

I realize that some people come into our lives for short periods and others for a lifetime.  Like a crossing guard at a busy street, some are just with us for a short time to ensure safe passage before moving on.  If that was your role--praying me through the pregnancy until I finally held Ella in my arms--I thank you.  I hope that you'll stay with me as I embark on this new adventure of being a mother--but I also understand that sometimes our paths split apart.  For those of you who choose to stick with me and continue to follow my joys and trials, successes and failures of raising Ella (and hopefully, in time, future siblings)--I thank you as well.  I know that I'll need your words of wisdom, support, and encouragement.

For me, nothing really changes here.  I'll continue to pour out my heart, express my deepest desire to be a good mother, and remember all of my blessings.  I'll share my fears, my hopes, and the tender moments I have with my husband and Ella.  I hope that you'll continue to share this journey with me.

Today's blessing is my mom, who has been so helpful and supportive as I continue to recuperate from the post-delivery surgery.  Today is her last day with us, and even though it will be nice to have the house all to ourselves again, I'll really miss her when she is gone. 

"Baby Girl, I'm Going to Miss You Today"

My husband went back to work today.  He typically rides with three other guys in a carpool which leaves at 6:30 am, but he couldn't pull himself out of bed in time.  For starters, he's not a morning-person in the first place.  But I could see that it wasn't just the waking-up part that was getting to him today...it really was hard for him to leave Ella.  He finally left the house around 8:30 am.

I admit that I teared up a bit when he leaned over and kissed her and said "Baby Girl, I'm going to miss you today" before finally rolling out of bed.  Once he was showered and ready to go, he picked her up out of the cradle and just held her for a few minutes, gazing at her in adoration, before leaving.  I promised to send him picture-texts throughout the day to hold him over until he comes home.

He really is an amazing father and I can tell that he loves her so dearly.  He still is squeamish around diapers, but he reads to her, explains baseball to her, and teaches her the words to our fight song.  There is so much that he's looking forward to doing with her as she grows up. 

Ever since our first date, I knew that he wanted to be a dad.  I can still perfectly remember that conversation about kids.  Over dinner that first night, he said, "If I have kids--no, scratch that--when I have kids, I want to be the type of dad that plays catch with them in the front yard".  He had me right there.  I knew, then and there, even after splitting a bottle of wine, that this man (who yes, I admit, I met in a bar) was the perfect partner for me.  It took us a long time to get to this point of "when I have kids", but I am so thankful that we're here, and I'm so glad that he's the one here with me.

My recent blessing was recently hearing that two special friends are both expecting.  The first is my childhood friend who taught me so much about true friendship, and she was the inspiration behind Ella's name.  She is now about 11 weeks along at this point with her second baby, and I am so thrilled for her.  The other friend is the wife of my college guy-friend, who I had reached out to earlier in the year and had learned that they had also experienced loss.  She is now about 15 weeks along, and everything is going well.  I'm so happy for both of them!

Our Pediatrician is My Hero!

Thank you so much for all of your prayers and concerns regarding Ella's abnormal test results indicating Hypothyroidism.  It was a long night of worry and concern.  As I did so many times during my pregnancy, I lifted Ella up to God in prayer, recognizing that as hard as I may try, I can't protect her--only He can.  I can try my best to keep her as safe as humanly possible, but there are some things out of my control. 

I called the pediatrician's office this morning, and they were able to see us right away.  The first thing he asked was how long we had stayed in the hospital.  When I answered that we were released after about 26 hours, he went on to explain that it's possible that when they did the Heel Stick Test, that perhaps Ella's thyroid hadn't started working yet because it was still relying on my hormones (I hope that I'm explaining this correctly).  He sounded "hopeful" that this was the case, but calmly explained that if it wasn't, that we could address the situation easily enough with medication.  There was something in the way that he explained it all in such a calm and encouraging manner that helped me have a little sense of peace.  He then ordered a new set of labs STAT.

The phlebotomist had great bedside manner and was very kind to Ella and us, but he wasn't the most skilled at his job.  He had to stick her three times in order to collect enough blood for the TSH and T4 test for the Hypothyroidism, as well as the second round of infant screening tests (which they had neglected to order during our last two visits).  It broke my heart to see Ella in pain like that.

I was told to call the pediatrician's office back by 4:00 for the results.  I did, and was told that the triage nurse would call me back.  It's scary to have to wait those last few minutes--wondering if they didn't give me an answer right then because something was wrong.  She called back minutes later, and what an amazing relief to hear that Ella's TSH and T4 levels were within the normal range!  Praise God!

What a blessing to get this good news!  But additionally, what a blessing this pediatrician is!  I met him early in my pregnancy when my very-dear friend (who gave birth to a 9 lb baby boy on Wednesday) introduced me to him.  He was her favorite instructor while she was in medical school, and I quickly understood why.  Unfortunately, he's due to retire soon (in fact, this was supposed to be his last week, but he agreed to stay until December).  He's an amazing man, who spent the early part of his career as a doctor in the Army, and now is the father of eight kids--both biological and adopted, some with special needs.  His calm and encouraging approach was exactly what I needed today, and we are so blessed to have him caring for Ella...even if it's just for these first few weeks.