I don't know how I felt. I was a little sad, a little appreciative, a little nostalgic, a little grateful. So much has changed in the three years since that first loss. I'm not the same person that I was when I first received those cards. Having Ella changed my life; but going through the experience of losing three pregnancies also changed my life--both for the better, I believe.
And so I fingered through the cards, rejoicing for the people that God put in my life who helped me along my journey at a time when I needed them the most, but didn't let myself go back to that dark place of loss and despair that I experienced back then. I then placed them in a box with other items to be recycled, and tossed them into the recycling bin.
I don't need to keep the cards, do I? I am so appreciative of those people who came alongside me to encourage me and pray for me, but I don't have to physically hold onto something that my heart is emotionally healing from, do I? It's okay to remember and reflect, and yet move forward, isn't it?
It's not that I'm trying to rid myself of any reminders of those losses. I will always remember, and they will always be a part of who I am. But I think it's okay to...let go. I think it's okay to be happy for what I have now, while remembering that there was a time when I was so unbearably sad. (Gosh, even just writing this brings tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat). But at this point, those emotional scars are exactly that--just scars. They aren't open wounds that hurt day after day...they're just remnants and reminders of a pain I endured. But I did endure, and I don't hurt now the way I did then. The cards served their purpose--they helped me heal.
Loss sucks. Loss hurts. Loss breaks you down and changes your life. But life after loss can still be beautiful.
|Enjoying a cupcake at Silas' birthday party.|