It's a good thing that I've had three--make that four--years of dealing with the ambiguity and roller coasters that come along with trying to build a family. If not, I don't know how I would have reacted to the nurse when she yelled "Wait! Wait! Come back!" down the hallway after she initially told me that the test was negative.
Let me rewind.
On Monday, I had my annual appointment with my OB/GYN, though I actually ended up seeing one of the other doctors and a resident in the clinic instead. The nurse initially thought I must have gotten my years wrong when I told her that my last cycle was December 2009, but the doctor assured me that it's perfectly normal to not get a cycle until even up to six months after I stop breastfeeding (more on that later). But they felt that they wouldn't be doing their job if they didn't at least give me a pregnancy test before I left.
So I downed my water bottle, and filled up a cup for the nurse. I waited as she added the necessary drops, and we both watched in anticipation as the liquid started moving up the test strip...past the "T" (test")...then up to the "C" (control). The line popped out when it reached the C, so we both figured it was negative.
I really wasn't expecting anything different. I would have been beyond thrilled if the second line had appeared at the T, but I know that would be almost too easy, having not even had a real cycle yet. So that's what I said--"that would have been too easy"--and then turned to walk away.
But before I made it to the door, the nurse called after me and asked if I saw a faint line. What?! My first thought: Really God?! Again?! What's with the mixed results?! The nurse was still holding the test, so I never really got a good look at it. The doctor, hearing the commotion, turned to look from the other side. A few more anxious moments of them looking and me wondering, and in that time, whatever the nurse had seen slowly vanished.
So like I said--it's a good thing that I've found a peaceful way of handling the "am I?" ambiguity and the "what if?" roller coasters. Am I disappointed that I'm not pregnant? Well, yeah, it would definitely be amazing. Am I surprised? Well, no, given that I still haven't had a cycle yet. Am I hopeful for what the future holds? Yes. Undoubtedly yes.
Today's blessing was the chance to nurse Ella this morning. I think that today might be her last morning feeding (assuming all goes well). I'm actually really sad about it, and I'm really going to miss the snuggle time with her as she wakes up. But I also feel like it's the right time to wean her back a little bit more. This will leave us with just the nighttime feeding, which we'll continue through the holidays and into the start of the new year. But I cherish the times that I had with her in the mornings, and will always remember the joy she brought me (and continues to bring me...just no longer at the breast) with the start of each day.