40 days for this last cycle. I've had better, but I've also had a heck of a lot worse.
It came early last Saturday morning--the day when I was in charge of coordinating our big interview day for over 500 students. It ruined my opportunity to wear the cute new suit I had ordered. But I decided that my old baggy black suit would probably be a better wardrobe option over the new form-fitting light-grey slacks that I had been looking forward to wearing.
I knew that there was 0% chance of pregnancy for that cycle, since my husband was out of the country for the duration. It made it easy for me to look forward to when it would start. Now...I'm not quite sure how I feel. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around how I'm feeling about trying again. I'll try to formulate the right words to articulate what I'm feeling. My husband leaves for his Army Reserve weekend drill tomorrow morning, so maybe I'll get the chance to put my thoughts down on paper (er, the web?).
Today's blessing was the chance to chat with Ella's lead teacher in her classroom this morning (she usually arrives 10 minutes after I leave, and Ella spends the first 10 minutes of each day with a "sub"). It was just really great to hear that Ella and her friend Madelyn are both doing really great with learning all sorts of new things in the class. I'm really glad that the change at the beginning of the year is really working out.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
I Don't Know Why I Thought It Would Be Any Different
I don't know why I thought it would be any different this time around.
I guess I got my hopes up that things would return to "normal" since my cycle came back so quickly after I stopped breastfeeding. I also (lovingly) blame my mom--she tells me that she had to work very hard for me (I was a Clomid baby), but that after she had me, her cycles became very regular and she had no problems when it came time to try to add my brothers into the picture.
Here I sit at cycle day 33. Yes, I realize that perhaps my body is still trying to figure things out after nursing for a 15 months, and I know that I'm within the "normal" range for a cycle (and watch--now that I'm here writing about it, chances are it will show up tonight and God will laugh at me for being so over dramatic). Keep in mind that my husband has been out of the country for this entire cycle, so no, there is no chance that I'm late in that sort of way.
I think I'm also bummed because I'm rather confused. I thought that I had perhaps ovulated on Day 14--which would be as "perfect" as you can get. But those "signs" have been sticking around ever since then, which I've read can be symptomatic in women who struggle with PCOS. Dang my crazy hormones! Now I'm kicking myself for not temping or testing this last month so that I could better understand my cycle. I had thought about it, but figured that my experience would be like my mom's and things would just simply become "normal".
It looks like if I want to have any success in conceiving and--more importantly--carrying to term, I'm going to have to get back into my crazy healthy habits again. Although I was being much better about not stealing candy from the candy dish at work, I admit that I was "cheating" a bit here and there when pastries were brought in to our break room (if I wasn't eating them, they would just be wasted...right?). As it is, since going back to work in January 2011, I've already been getting up at 5:00 am so that I could get to work on time after getting myself and Ella ready. How the heck am I supposed to try to squeeze a workout in any earlier than that?!
My husband says that he's "ready" to start trying again, but that he doesn't want me to get too wrapped up in it. And I admit that there was definitely a time when I was obsessed with trying to conceive. I am in a very different place now--spiritually and emotionally--but that doesn't make it any easier. As hard as I try to just kick back and trust God's timing, how they heck am I not supposed to think about it?!
Not to mention, it dawned on me the other day that among the RPL blogs that I follow in this community, two women have gotten pregnant again...and I'm sad to say that they both lost their babies. So what made me think that it would be any different now? Apparently loss still happens, even after hope.
Okay, I feel like I got some of my frustration out. I know that some of you can totally relate, and that gives me comfort. I shouldn't be complaining--I have a beautiful Ella girl napping in the other room. If she's all I get, she's more than I could have ever dreamed.
Today's blessing was spending the morning over at the home of Ella's friend Madelyn. Her mom has really become a good friend, and I love watching the girls play together so nicely.
I guess I got my hopes up that things would return to "normal" since my cycle came back so quickly after I stopped breastfeeding. I also (lovingly) blame my mom--she tells me that she had to work very hard for me (I was a Clomid baby), but that after she had me, her cycles became very regular and she had no problems when it came time to try to add my brothers into the picture.
Here I sit at cycle day 33. Yes, I realize that perhaps my body is still trying to figure things out after nursing for a 15 months, and I know that I'm within the "normal" range for a cycle (and watch--now that I'm here writing about it, chances are it will show up tonight and God will laugh at me for being so over dramatic). Keep in mind that my husband has been out of the country for this entire cycle, so no, there is no chance that I'm late in that sort of way.
I think I'm also bummed because I'm rather confused. I thought that I had perhaps ovulated on Day 14--which would be as "perfect" as you can get. But those "signs" have been sticking around ever since then, which I've read can be symptomatic in women who struggle with PCOS. Dang my crazy hormones! Now I'm kicking myself for not temping or testing this last month so that I could better understand my cycle. I had thought about it, but figured that my experience would be like my mom's and things would just simply become "normal".
It looks like if I want to have any success in conceiving and--more importantly--carrying to term, I'm going to have to get back into my crazy healthy habits again. Although I was being much better about not stealing candy from the candy dish at work, I admit that I was "cheating" a bit here and there when pastries were brought in to our break room (if I wasn't eating them, they would just be wasted...right?). As it is, since going back to work in January 2011, I've already been getting up at 5:00 am so that I could get to work on time after getting myself and Ella ready. How the heck am I supposed to try to squeeze a workout in any earlier than that?!
My husband says that he's "ready" to start trying again, but that he doesn't want me to get too wrapped up in it. And I admit that there was definitely a time when I was obsessed with trying to conceive. I am in a very different place now--spiritually and emotionally--but that doesn't make it any easier. As hard as I try to just kick back and trust God's timing, how they heck am I not supposed to think about it?!
Not to mention, it dawned on me the other day that among the RPL blogs that I follow in this community, two women have gotten pregnant again...and I'm sad to say that they both lost their babies. So what made me think that it would be any different now? Apparently loss still happens, even after hope.
Okay, I feel like I got some of my frustration out. I know that some of you can totally relate, and that gives me comfort. I shouldn't be complaining--I have a beautiful Ella girl napping in the other room. If she's all I get, she's more than I could have ever dreamed.
Today's blessing was spending the morning over at the home of Ella's friend Madelyn. Her mom has really become a good friend, and I love watching the girls play together so nicely.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Ella-isms (Vol. 2)
It's been a couple of months since I shared some Ella-isms, so I wanted to capture some more of her antics:
Barefoot Beauty
For whatever reason, Ella doesn't like to wear shoes in the car. Typically, by the time that I make it out of the parking lot, I hear the unmistakable rip of velcro, followed by the "uh, uh, uh" straining of a toddler trying to reach forward from her five-point harness to reach her socks and pull them off as well. I've gotten to the point where I don't even bother putting her shoes on in the morning before we go to school. Rather, I just put them on when we arrive at her daycare. I don't blame her--I love to go barefoot as well. And now that she's playing outside more at her new school, she's slowly transferring every grain of sand from the sandbox to the backseat of our car.
Clean Freak
My mother-in-law tells me stories of my husband as a child, and how he wiped his hands on a napkin after every bite of food he ate. Well, Ella is clearly his daughter, because she does the same thing. Tonight, she was more interested in cleaning the table, than she was in eating her food. I can only hope that this means that she'll do well with cleaning up her room when she's older.
Mama's Little Helper
Speaking up cleaning up, I've started having Ella help me clean up her toys every evening before we read our books and go to bed. I'm very impressed with how quickly she caught on that all her toys go in the box at the end of the day. Even more impressive--she has begun to help me unload the dishwasher, all by herself. She'll take each utensil out of the little caddy and stack them all up in the drawer where they belong! Granted, they are all piled up, rather than in their own compartments, but it's still really neat that she pitched in to help out.
Monkey See, Monkey Do
When my mom was in town, she taught Ella the sign for "monkey". We then went to the zoo before she left, and the monkeys were giving us quite the show! Ella now signs for monkey, and tries to imitate the "whoop!" sound that they make. Since she is so interested in monkeys, I tried to buy her some new books with monkeys, and ended up with three new Curious George books. Turns out that Curious George came to campus today for a storybook character event, so Ella got to see him up close and personal. She didn't quite know what to think, but she did give him a high-five and waved bye-bye. We'll go to the zoo again tomorrow (I'm bound and determined to take full advantage of our annual pass).
Hugs and Kisses
Ella has become very affectionate lately. When I'm rocking her and singing songs at night, she'll often pat my back or take my face in her hands, look me straight in the eye, and give me a big kiss. When I put her down and say her prayers, she then blows me a kiss from her bed when I tell her that I love her. The other day when I was sitting on the ground, she came up behind me a gave a giant hug. But I'm not the only one she'll hug--she loves to give her friend Madelyn hugs as well. We started by prompting them, but now both girls will give and receive hugs to each other on their own. I love that she has become so kind to others.
Today's blessing was running into my friend and former colleague at the Curious George event. She was there with her son, who is now three, and it's so neat to see him turning into a big boy. I really miss working with her, but I'm so proud of her for following her dreams.
Barefoot Beauty
For whatever reason, Ella doesn't like to wear shoes in the car. Typically, by the time that I make it out of the parking lot, I hear the unmistakable rip of velcro, followed by the "uh, uh, uh" straining of a toddler trying to reach forward from her five-point harness to reach her socks and pull them off as well. I've gotten to the point where I don't even bother putting her shoes on in the morning before we go to school. Rather, I just put them on when we arrive at her daycare. I don't blame her--I love to go barefoot as well. And now that she's playing outside more at her new school, she's slowly transferring every grain of sand from the sandbox to the backseat of our car.
Clean Freak
My mother-in-law tells me stories of my husband as a child, and how he wiped his hands on a napkin after every bite of food he ate. Well, Ella is clearly his daughter, because she does the same thing. Tonight, she was more interested in cleaning the table, than she was in eating her food. I can only hope that this means that she'll do well with cleaning up her room when she's older.
Mama's Little Helper
Speaking up cleaning up, I've started having Ella help me clean up her toys every evening before we read our books and go to bed. I'm very impressed with how quickly she caught on that all her toys go in the box at the end of the day. Even more impressive--she has begun to help me unload the dishwasher, all by herself. She'll take each utensil out of the little caddy and stack them all up in the drawer where they belong! Granted, they are all piled up, rather than in their own compartments, but it's still really neat that she pitched in to help out.
Monkey See, Monkey Do
When my mom was in town, she taught Ella the sign for "monkey". We then went to the zoo before she left, and the monkeys were giving us quite the show! Ella now signs for monkey, and tries to imitate the "whoop!" sound that they make. Since she is so interested in monkeys, I tried to buy her some new books with monkeys, and ended up with three new Curious George books. Turns out that Curious George came to campus today for a storybook character event, so Ella got to see him up close and personal. She didn't quite know what to think, but she did give him a high-five and waved bye-bye. We'll go to the zoo again tomorrow (I'm bound and determined to take full advantage of our annual pass).
Hugs and Kisses
Ella has become very affectionate lately. When I'm rocking her and singing songs at night, she'll often pat my back or take my face in her hands, look me straight in the eye, and give me a big kiss. When I put her down and say her prayers, she then blows me a kiss from her bed when I tell her that I love her. The other day when I was sitting on the ground, she came up behind me a gave a giant hug. But I'm not the only one she'll hug--she loves to give her friend Madelyn hugs as well. We started by prompting them, but now both girls will give and receive hugs to each other on their own. I love that she has become so kind to others.
Today's blessing was running into my friend and former colleague at the Curious George event. She was there with her son, who is now three, and it's so neat to see him turning into a big boy. I really miss working with her, but I'm so proud of her for following her dreams.
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