I don't know why I thought it would be any different this time around.
I guess I got my hopes up that things would return to "normal" since my cycle came back so quickly after I stopped breastfeeding. I also (lovingly) blame my mom--she tells me that she had to work very hard for me (I was a Clomid baby), but that after she had me, her cycles became very regular and she had no problems when it came time to try to add my brothers into the picture.
Here I sit at cycle day 33. Yes, I realize that perhaps my body is still trying to figure things out after nursing for a 15 months, and I know that I'm within the "normal" range for a cycle (and watch--now that I'm here writing about it, chances are it will show up tonight and God will laugh at me for being so over dramatic). Keep in mind that my husband has been out of the country for this entire cycle, so no, there is no chance that I'm late in that sort of way.
I think I'm also bummed because I'm rather confused. I thought that I had perhaps ovulated on Day 14--which would be as "perfect" as you can get. But those "signs" have been sticking around ever since then, which I've read can be symptomatic in women who struggle with PCOS. Dang my crazy hormones! Now I'm kicking myself for not temping or testing this last month so
that I could better understand my cycle. I had thought about it, but
figured that my experience would be like my mom's and things would just
simply become "normal".
It looks like if I want to have any success in conceiving and--more importantly--carrying to term, I'm going to have to get back into my crazy healthy habits again. Although I was being much better about not stealing candy from the candy dish at work, I admit that I was "cheating" a bit here and there when pastries were brought in to our break room (if I wasn't eating them, they would just be wasted...right?). As it is, since going back to work in January 2011, I've already been getting up at 5:00 am so that I could get to work on time after getting myself and Ella ready. How the heck am I supposed to try to squeeze a workout in any earlier than that?!
My husband says that he's "ready" to start trying again, but that he doesn't want me to get too wrapped up in it. And I admit that there was definitely a time when I was obsessed with trying to conceive. I am in a very different place now--spiritually and emotionally--but that doesn't make it any easier. As hard as I try to just kick back and trust God's timing, how they heck am I not supposed to think about it?!
Not to mention, it dawned on me the other day that among the RPL blogs that I follow in this community, two women have gotten pregnant again...and I'm sad to say that they both lost their babies. So what made me think that it would be any different now? Apparently loss still happens, even after hope.
Okay, I feel like I got some of my frustration out. I know that some of you can totally relate, and that gives me comfort. I shouldn't be complaining--I have a beautiful Ella girl napping in the other room. If she's all I get, she's more than I could have ever dreamed.
Today's blessing was spending the morning over at the home of Ella's friend Madelyn. Her mom has really become a good friend, and I love watching the girls play together so nicely.