I think I want to coin a new phrase: HTC. Hoping To Conceive.
We all know that in the world of baby-making, TTC stands for "Trying To Conceive". But I don't think I'm there yet...not physically, not emotionally. I'm not ready to "try". The thought of "trying" is kind of exhausting on multiple levels. And yet, part of me feels like I'm wasting time if I'm not trying.
Ever since Summer 2007 when I convinced my husband that I should go off birth control, I've had babies on my mind. To recap, I went through a year of anovulation, followed by a year of loss, followed by some healthy times of growth, followed--finally--by Ella. There were times along our journey when my husband accused me of being "obsessed" with getting--and staying--pregnant. I waved him off, saying that even the most supportive husbands just don't understand. But now that I have my Ella and can take a better look at myself, I recognize that he was right. I admit it, there were times when I let myself get obsessed with trying to start a family.
I found out I was pregnant with Ella in late January 2010, and breastfed her through January 2012. For two blissful years, I did not have to think about getting pregnant. I didn't have to think about my cycle. I didn't have think about ovulation. I didn't have to track my temperature. I didn't have to lay still with my hips on a pillow. I didn't have to pee on a stick while crossing my fingers and holding my breathing and saying a prayer. For two blissful years, I didn't have to worry.
The thought of going through all of that worrying and wondering again is exhausting. Don't get me wrong--I want another baby, but I don't want to have to "try".
And yet, I had to try--really hard--for Ella. She was worth it.
Which is why I think I have a peaceful easy feeling about "Hoping To Conceive" instead of "Trying To Conceive" at this stage of the game. I am starting to feel like I would be okay if Ella is the only child in our lives.
That feels so strange to say! But I really think that I would be okay if she's all I get. And when I truly think about the concept, I recognize that I initially felt this way back when she was nine days old. You may remember that I ended up in the hospital shortly after giving birth to her because I had a hematoma (blood clot) that required emergency surgery. Before they put me under, they shared that they might need to perform a hysterectomy in the worst case scenario. My thought then--as it is now--was "Okay God, if that's what you want, then at least I have Ella!". Here I am, 17 months later, with two post-nursing cycles under my belt, thinking the same thing.
Again, I do indeed want another baby. I loved being pregnant, I love being a mom, and I love watching Ella light up around babies. I also love my husband dearly, and I know that he wants more children (and would especially love to be a father to a boy). I just want to be able to sustain this peaceful easy feeling in which I'm okay hoping instead of trying.
Today's blessing is one of my colleagues at work who was so patient and helpful for me as I worked on a project. He can be a rather difficult man at times, but I've also found him to be such an insightful teacher.