Friday, March 2, 2012

Peaceful Easy Feeling

I think I want to coin a new phrase:  HTC.  Hoping To Conceive.

We all know that in the world of baby-making, TTC stands for "Trying To Conceive".  But I don't think I'm there yet...not physically, not emotionally. I'm not ready to "try".  The thought of "trying" is kind of exhausting on multiple levels.  And yet, part of me feels like I'm wasting time if I'm not trying. 

Ever since Summer 2007 when I convinced my husband that I should go off birth control, I've had babies on my mind.  To recap, I went through a year of anovulation, followed by a year of loss, followed by some healthy times of growth, followed--finally--by Ella.  There were times along our journey when my husband accused me of being "obsessed" with getting--and staying--pregnant.  I waved him off, saying that even the most supportive husbands just don't understand.  But now that I have my Ella and can take a better look at myself, I recognize that he was right.  I admit it, there were times when I let myself get obsessed with trying to start a family. 

I found out I was pregnant with Ella in late January 2010, and breastfed her through January 2012.  For two blissful years, I did not have to think about getting pregnant.  I didn't have to think about my cycle.  I didn't have think about ovulation.  I didn't have to track my temperature.  I didn't have to lay still with my hips on a pillow.  I didn't have to pee on a stick while crossing my fingers and holding my breathing and saying a prayer.  For two blissful years, I didn't have to worry. 

The thought of going through all of that worrying and wondering again is exhausting.  Don't get me wrong--I want another baby, but I don't want to have to "try".

And yet, I had to try--really hard--for Ella.  She was worth it. 

Which is why I think I have a peaceful easy feeling about "Hoping To Conceive" instead of "Trying To Conceive" at this stage of the game.  I am starting to feel like I would be okay if Ella is the only child in our lives.

That feels so strange to say!  But I really think that I would be okay if she's all I get.  And when I truly think about the concept, I recognize that I initially felt this way back when she was nine days old.  You may remember that I ended up in the hospital shortly after giving birth to her because I had a hematoma (blood clot) that required emergency surgery.  Before they put me under, they shared that they might need to perform a hysterectomy in the worst case scenario.  My thought then--as it is now--was "Okay God, if that's what you want, then at least I have Ella!".  Here I am, 17 months later, with two post-nursing cycles under my belt, thinking the same thing.

Again, I do indeed want another baby.  I loved being pregnant, I love being a mom, and I love watching Ella light up around babies.  I also love my husband dearly, and I know that he wants more children (and would especially love to be a father to a boy).  I just want to be able to sustain this peaceful easy feeling in which I'm okay hoping instead of trying.

Today's blessing is one of my colleagues at work who was so patient and helpful for me as I worked on a project.  He can be a rather difficult man at times, but I've also found him to be such an insightful teacher. 


  1. I hope you can keep that peace Laura! I am kinda sort of at that spot currently but ready to begin ttc at the same time. Maybe it is easier-ish when you already have a bundle of joy at home. I just want to experience pregnancy and the joys of motherhood. And know one way or another I will be a mommy. Praying yout htc continues and God listens to the desires of your heart. <3

  2. Hoping to Conceive. I love that! Blessings to you this week!

  3. I also love HTC. It describes how I feel, as well (or how I hope to feel once we begin...well, not trying...but hoping). I'd also like to have another. And I'm also so thankful for the one I have.

  4. "HTC" sounds like something we should all embrace. So happy that you are in a peaceful place - praying for you and what's ahead

  5. Hello Laura...sorry it`s been so long. I am enjoying catching up on your blog! I just read this post, and it`s like you took the words right out of my mouth. I mean I feel exactly the same way you do! Thank you for being so candid as I feel less crazy/guilty about not wanting to ttc right away again. Just like you I do want another child, but the thought of putting my mind and body through the ups and downs of ttc is a tough pill to swallow. I adore Vanessa, and know that I enjoyed all the good stuff about carrying her and giving birth to her, but I definitely don`t forget how hard things were as well. Who knows if I would ever truly be ready to ttc again, but I figure at some point I will just have to cross my fingers, go for it and hope for the best because in reality, that is exactly what I did after each maybe it`s not so different this time? I love your new acronym, and can definitely say we are HTC too! Take care!

  6. I love you very much, and pray for you.


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