Inspired

First, I want to thank you for the kind comments and understanding in my last post.  I appreciate your support more than I can express.  I'm also happy to share that my little talk with Ella about the power of words seemed to have worked because she hasn't made any more similar comments about losing her baby sister, and she has replaced her feisty "I no love you's" with heartfelt and sincere "I love you's".

And I'm also happy to report that I'm starting to feel this little Baby Girl wiggle more and more.  I made myself slow down a bit this week due to a foot injury, and my reward has been some sweet wiggles and somersaults each evening while I ice my foot.

But let me back up.  Around this time last year, I was realizing that I had to do something to stay active since I was no longer breastfeeding.  I nursed Ella for 15 months, and I joke that it was the most gratifying diet and exercise plan ever--simply because I could eat whatever I wanted, I didn't have to work out (other than lifting and carrying and caring for a growing baby), and she simply sucked every last calorie right out of me!  But once I stopped, I knew I had to do something to stay healthy and keep my cycles relatively normal.  Before Ella, I did yoga every morning and spent 20-30 minutes on the elliptical at night.  But now, I get up at 5:00 am to get us ready and out the door on time, so I can't imagine getting up any earlier.  She's too interested in the elliptical for me to get any use out of it while she's awake, and I'm simply too tired by the time I put her to sleep.  We live too far out of town to make it worth it for me to get to a gym.  So I started running as a way to get a really quick workout into my routine, with or without Ella. 

Let me state for the record that I always hated running.  When I played soccer, I was what they call a "cherry-picker", meaning that I was a Forward who hung out as close to the Defenders as I could get and waited for the ball so that I could make a quick run and score.  When we were registering for Baby Shower gifts for Ella, I intentionally stayed away from the snazzy jogging strollers because I figured I would never use it for its intended purpose.

And yet, I remember feeling the urge to run as early as when I was on maternity leave with Ella.  I was pushing her in our travel system and wearing flip-flops, but I still felt myself wanting to run.  I probably looked pretty silly as I bounced along at a barely-faster-than-walking-pace to the corner.

Our development is made up of two blocks, and we live on the corner of the "big block".  The whole perimeter is only 1.2 miles, which is nothing for the running world, but feels big to a novice.  I was surprised at how quickly I was able to build up the endurance to make it all the way around the "big block".  I'm definitely winded halfway through the run, and panting and "glistening" by the time I make it back home, but I started doing it more and more regularly.  I usually just do the 1.2 mile "big block" most evenings after work, but I'll sometimes push farther on the weekends.

While heading into the final leg of a run sometime in January, when I was somewhere around 10-12 weeks pregnant, I was somehow inspired to run 100 miles before the baby came.  I hate the word "goal", and yet, I find myself working towards achieving this milestone.  I was proud to hit the 50-mile halfway point before I hit the 20-weeks pregnant halfway point. 

On days when my husband is home, I run by myself.  But there are plenty of days--like this whole month--when I bring Ella with me.  And up until just a week ago, I was pushing her in that exact same travel system stroller.  With a new Baby Girl on the way, I finally splurged and bought myself a fancy new convertible/in-line jogging stroller that I love!

My husband left the first weekend in March.  That weekend, I hurt my foot--not by running, but by simply walking around the mall shopping!  I should have stayed off of it right away, but I kept telling myself that it would heal on its own.  On our trip home to California, I took advantage of having my parents around to watch Ella and pushed myself hard, running 12 miles in five days.

 

Early morning run along the Sacramento River.

So by the time that I got back home this week, my foot was really bothering me, and I knew that it was time to stay off of it for a couple of days.  I ran today for the first time since Monday morning; and I have to say that I think that I have gotten to the point where I missed it (although my foot still hurts a bit).  I don't intend to enter any marathons anytime soon (or ever), but I do hope that I can keep running as a part of my lifestyle...or at least until I finish up these last 37 miles that I have to go before I make it to 100!

Today's blessing--besides running again--was the chance to make some new curtains for Ella's new room.  I admit that they aren't perfect, but I was quite pleased with how they turned out--and it was great to see her excitement.  We still have quite a way to go in making her room feel put-together instead of just hodge-podge, but they are definitely a start!  I'll post pictures once the room is finished. 

Not What I Wanted To Hear

The general consensus is that it was super sweet when my little intuitive two-year old told me that I had a baby growing in my tummy before I even knew.

So I think that we would all agree that it would be a little unnerving when the very same little intuitive two-year old told me that my baby was dieing.  It kind of knocks the wind right out of you, doesn't it?

I don't actually think that this Baby Girl is dieing, but Ella's comment sure didn't set well with me last night.  And I don't exactly know where the comment came from.  She was acting out a bit as I tried to get her into her carseat, and she has been saying "I no love you" a lot lately, mostly--I think--to get a reaction out of me.  She also admitted last night that she really misses her daddy (he's gone for the whole month of March for his Army Reserves Annual Training, and we've had very little communication with him). 

It's possible that she's picking up on my fears, as unfounded as they may be.  I hit the 20-week mark this week, so I should be rejoicing that I'm at the halfway point.  Instead, I find myself comparing pregnancies.  I had my anatomy scan last week, and everything looks absolutely perfect, so I trust that everything is totally fine.  But by this time with Ella, I was feeling strong, distinct kicks (I remember that the first legitimate feel-it-from-the-outside kick was the night before her anatomy scan).  But with this new Baby Girl, I'm lucky if I get a little wiggle from her here or there. 

So much has changed between this pregnancy and the last.  With Ella, I had the luxury of sitting all evening with my legs propped up, hands on belly, calmly waiting.  Now, I'm running all over the place--literally (more on this later)--trying to keep up with Ella, and not "indulging" in this state of being pregnant.  So perhaps she is just as active as Ella...but perhaps so am I, and I just don't have the capacity to notice.

I trust that God is in control, and I know that He has a perfect plan for my life.  I am acutely aware of just how fragile life is, and so I tell this Baby Girl just how loved, cherished, and wanted she is--just as I did with Ella.  But I also pray for peace, and for the right words to share with Ella, my little intuitive two-year old. 

My recent blessing was the chance to go home last week to visit my parents and grandparents.  Like I mentioned, my husband is gone for the month, so this was the perfect getaway for both me and Ella.  She loved spending time with her family, and I adored watching her fall deeper in love with all of them. 

"I Want to Be a Mommy Someday"

Driving in to work/school this morning, Ella sweetly proclaimed "I want to be a mommy someday". 

Oh, how I pray that she get the chance to be a mommy!  How I pray that she experience the joys (and lets be honest--struggles) of loving a child unconditionally.  It's years and years (and decades!) from now, but I look forward to seeing my baby care for her baby the way that she now cares for her baby dolls (okay, maybe a little bit more carefully than how she currently handles them, but I trust that will come with time and experience). 

And I selfishly pray that God protect her from the pain that I suffered during my losses as I waited to become a mommy.  I can't protect her from everything, but I hope that I can empower her to make healthy choices for her lifestyle.  I pray that I can be a good role model for her.  I pray that we can talk, when the time is right, about all that I went through and all that I learned about faith and waiting for God's perfect plan. 

Oh, how I pray that God listen to the desire of her little heart!

I was blessed this weekend to be able to participate in my husband's promotion to Major.  We were married when he was promoted to Captain, but he was promoted in the field, so I wasn't able to participate.  In his little speech at the end, he thanked me and Ella and his various mentors, but then said that he especially wanted to thank the (enlisted) soldiers with whom he has served.  I know he gets frustrated with some of the bureaucracy, but has always been committed to his soldiers--sometimes to a fault.  I really am proud of him and his leadership, and I'm so blessed to be his wife.