Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Not What I Wanted To Hear

The general consensus is that it was super sweet when my little intuitive two-year old told me that I had a baby growing in my tummy before I even knew.

So I think that we would all agree that it would be a little unnerving when the very same little intuitive two-year old told me that my baby was dieing.  It kind of knocks the wind right out of you, doesn't it?

I don't actually think that this Baby Girl is dieing, but Ella's comment sure didn't set well with me last night.  And I don't exactly know where the comment came from.  She was acting out a bit as I tried to get her into her carseat, and she has been saying "I no love you" a lot lately, mostly--I think--to get a reaction out of me.  She also admitted last night that she really misses her daddy (he's gone for the whole month of March for his Army Reserves Annual Training, and we've had very little communication with him). 

It's possible that she's picking up on my fears, as unfounded as they may be.  I hit the 20-week mark this week, so I should be rejoicing that I'm at the halfway point.  Instead, I find myself comparing pregnancies.  I had my anatomy scan last week, and everything looks absolutely perfect, so I trust that everything is totally fine.  But by this time with Ella, I was feeling strong, distinct kicks (I remember that the first legitimate feel-it-from-the-outside kick was the night before her anatomy scan).  But with this new Baby Girl, I'm lucky if I get a little wiggle from her here or there. 

So much has changed between this pregnancy and the last.  With Ella, I had the luxury of sitting all evening with my legs propped up, hands on belly, calmly waiting.  Now, I'm running all over the place--literally (more on this later)--trying to keep up with Ella, and not "indulging" in this state of being pregnant.  So perhaps she is just as active as Ella...but perhaps so am I, and I just don't have the capacity to notice.

I trust that God is in control, and I know that He has a perfect plan for my life.  I am acutely aware of just how fragile life is, and so I tell this Baby Girl just how loved, cherished, and wanted she is--just as I did with Ella.  But I also pray for peace, and for the right words to share with Ella, my little intuitive two-year old. 

My recent blessing was the chance to go home last week to visit my parents and grandparents.  Like I mentioned, my husband is gone for the month, so this was the perfect getaway for both me and Ella.  She loved spending time with her family, and I adored watching her fall deeper in love with all of them. 


  1. Oh goodness, that would be unnerving. Claire has been picking up things from daycare just recently that I wish she wasn't saying. They had fire awareness week and she's been talking about smoke! and fire! and danger!. And she said "fire is scary! It will kill you!". Disturbing, because I feel like she is way too young to be talking like that. I'm sorry that Ella seems to be picking up on things at school too. It must be hard to hear her say I no love you even though you know it's not true.

    As for the baby's movements... I didn't feel Claire at all until 23 or 24 weeks. I may have but attributed it to digestion or something else but I wasn't certain until well after 20 weeks. She was pretty chill in the womb in general. I'm sure she'll be moving and gooving soon. :)

  2. No, you never want to hear that. I wince when W says things like "there's no baby" and stuff like that, but he's never said the actual dreaded words. I'm so sorry.
    I've noticed that I mostly only feel this baby when I wake up in the morning and I'm being still. I'm so busy during with W that I never feel it when he is around.

  3. Wow, that would probably make my eyes get a little big if I heard it! I'm glad you are halfway and hope the baby starts kicking really strong soon to give you some comfort.

  4. Ahh, so hard to hear, but for all that intuitive people do pick up, an awful lot is just off base (think about how you react when I say something uneasy about your father). . . I'll be praying for you both.

  5. That would definitely rattle me as well. With Wiley I didn't feel him nearly as much until the end then the little bugger never stayed still. I had an anterior placenta w/both so that may be it as well.

    Happy half way mark!!

  6. Just so you know, placenta positioning can really affect how you feel those early kicks... although certainly it is unnerving to hear Ella saying negative things about the baby, she is certainly not our omniscient Lord. He is the one who has formed this little one and planned the number of her days!

  7. I love Abigail's comments. I pray daily for all 4 of you. I greatly appreciated your visit and was sad to watch you two walk away at the airport.


I love to hear what you think!