Like so many others in this community have expressed, this blog was kind of a "lifesaver" for me as my husband and I struggled along the journey of infertility and loss. I started it when I found out I was pregnant for the third time, hoping and praying that it would simply be a "pregnancy blog". In time, it did eventually document my experience of carrying a beautiful baby to full term...but it wasn't on the timeline that I had imagined. It helped me through the anger of that third loss, and in doing so, helped me to heal from the entire experience, which in turn helped me to grow--as a wife, as a daughter, as a friend, and now as a mother.
I'm not ready to leave this community. I appreciate and admire the women who have encouraged and supported me along my journey so much. Just because I have given birth to Ella doesn't mean that I am "healed" or "graduated" or "done" with the experience of loss. It's something that doesn't go away--and I am forever changed because of what I've been through. I feel as though I still need this community for the ongoing support and encouragement that I felt as I worked through the loss, then as I developed faith throughout the pregnancy, and now as I celebrate the life of Ella. I don't feel like I can just walk away now.
I realize that some people come into our lives for short periods and others for a lifetime. Like a crossing guard at a busy street, some are just with us for a short time to ensure safe passage before moving on. If that was your role--praying me through the pregnancy until I finally held Ella in my arms--I thank you. I hope that you'll stay with me as I embark on this new adventure of being a mother--but I also understand that sometimes our paths split apart. For those of you who choose to stick with me and continue to follow my joys and trials, successes and failures of raising Ella (and hopefully, in time, future siblings)--I thank you as well. I know that I'll need your words of wisdom, support, and encouragement.
For me, nothing really changes here. I'll continue to pour out my heart, express my deepest desire to be a good mother, and remember all of my blessings. I'll share my fears, my hopes, and the tender moments I have with my husband and Ella. I hope that you'll continue to share this journey with me.
Today's blessing is my mom, who has been so helpful and supportive as I continue to recuperate from the post-delivery surgery. Today is her last day with us, and even though it will be nice to have the house all to ourselves again, I'll really miss her when she is gone.