I envisioned myself starting a post with a "Here We Go Again" title with a disclaimer about a pregnancy announcement. But alas, that is not the case. Rather, I feel like I'm on the "Here We Go Again" roller coaster because my cycle is--once again--not cooperating.
Today is cycle day 38, my temperature is still high (going on 20 days now), by boobs still don't hurt, and the test this morning was negative. I'm not going to lie--I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed about two things. First, I would love to be pregnant. But more significantly, I'm disappointed that my cycle seems to be going wonkers again--and during a month when I was trying to be so careful! Before getting pregnant with Ella, my cycles slowly but surely started to improve. Don't quote me on these numbers, but in the months leading up to conceiving, my cycles were something like 36, 35, 33, 32, 30. So when my post-nursing cycle lengths went 42, 39, 36, 35...I was hopeful that I was again seeing improvement. Which leaves me bummed, disappointed, frustrated...and wondering.
And wondering, in the land of baby-making, can be a bad thing.
I can feel myself going back to that place of over-analyzing and calculating and becoming consumed, and I don't want to be here. I don't want to think about egg quality and whether or not I got in enough "attempts" before my husband left for three weeks of Army annual training. I want to just enjoy the perfect and amazing gift of Ella, like I told myself I would. I want to trust God's plan for our lives--which I know is just as perfect and amazing--without my own dreams and desires getting in the way.
Ugh. I found a problem with my "hoping to conceive" attempt at building a family. The problem is that you actually begin to hope. And hope is a powerful thing.
Today I am blessed with the chance to bring Ella to swim lessons. We did swim lessons last year when Ella was just 8 months, so it will be so different this year now that she is 20 months. She loves the bath and her water table, and it is super hot here in the desert these days, so I'm really hopeful that she'll enjoy the lessons this year. We'll be at a new pool right across the street from her daycare, and I signed her up for the whole month of June, so I'm hoping that this will be a good distraction while my husband is gone.
Awe I'm so sorry Laura. It is hard not to have hope or to be discouraged when things don't go as they should. When I read your post my heart skipped a beat. I am so very hopeful for you.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Laura. FYI I have started to take my pre-ttc meds, so will actually be ablt to start ttc in July or August. I can tell you I am slightly obsessing already. As you said its our nature obsess, so I can't change this. The best we can do is take it one test at a time as we did a couple of years ago. So keep your head up and reach for your dream. You did this once, you can do it again...and looks like you have the same company online now as you did back then and we are all ttc again. So glad we can all share again in this journey, no matter what happens good or bad, we are here to listen. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteI was hoping this would be a great announcement as well, prayers for you. It is hard not to let hope soar and disappointment be there when a BFN shows up. So hopeful for you. <3
ReplyDelete