I'm finding myself where I've been so many times before--counting down the days until I think that I'm safe to test. Except for this time, I have the perfect distraction--in the form of a silly and sweet 20-month old bundle of energy--to make the time go by.
Today is cycle day 35. I was committed this month in terms of what I ate, how much I worked out, and when I encouraged certain marital interactions. Ever since I stopped breastfeeding and started "hoping to conceive", my cycles have gotten progressively more regular (42, 39, 36, 35). So in theory, I should be ready to test, right? Since I've gone back to "old reliable" and started tracking my temperature again, I know that it's still elevated. So in theory, I should be ready to test, right?
And yet, I put it off a little longer. I think there is nothing less discouraging than a negative test, and so I wait. I tell myself that it's now the weekend, and I wouldn't be able to make contact with my doctor's office until Monday anyway. I poke at my breasts one more time, to confirm that no, they really don't hurt at all--which was my first true indicator with Ella (and my previous pregnancies). And so I wait a bit longer.
But the waiting is so different this time. Having a child is the perfect distraction from obsessing about having another one. And no, I don't mean that in the "birth control" sort of way, though I guess it could be interpreted as such. No, I simply mean that I still feel so amazingly blessed to have Ella in my life, and if she's the only child that God has planned for us, then she's already more than I could have ever imagined. God filled the deep desire of my heart in making me a mother to her. I long to experience the joys of pregnancy again, and I would love to give Ella a sibling, and I really want to give my husband the little boy that he desires; but I finally feel that I can live my current life without obsessing about building a future life.
I don't know if I'll ever be one of those women who just "falls pregnant" without a worry or care in the world. It's my nature--and my experience--to worry. So part of me will always wonder and flip through mental calendars to find ovulation dates and then try to do the mental math about possible beta doubling times. But like a toddler who leaves her coloring when she hears the word "snack", I'm learning to leave my worries and wonders when I hear the word "Mommy".
Today's blessing was waking up early and having the chance to sit here and write a bit. I know that I don't post nearly as ofter as I have in the past, or as much as I would like (I guess having a child changes your blogging life as well), but I still really appreciate this community and enjoy following the lives of so many women who continue to be so important to me in my journey. I really am blessed to have this blog, and to have made these connections.