I'm finding myself where I've been so many times before--counting down the days until I think that I'm safe to test. Except for this time, I have the perfect distraction--in the form of a silly and sweet 20-month old bundle of energy--to make the time go by.
Today is cycle day 35. I was committed this month in terms of what I ate, how much I worked out, and when I encouraged certain marital interactions. Ever since I stopped breastfeeding and started "hoping to conceive", my cycles have gotten progressively more regular (42, 39, 36, 35). So in theory, I should be ready to test, right? Since I've gone back to "old reliable" and started tracking my temperature again, I know that it's still elevated. So in theory, I should be ready to test, right?
And yet, I put it off a little longer. I think there is nothing less discouraging than a negative test, and so I wait. I tell myself that it's now the weekend, and I wouldn't be able to make contact with my doctor's office until Monday anyway. I poke at my breasts one more time, to confirm that no, they really don't hurt at all--which was my first true indicator with Ella (and my previous pregnancies). And so I wait a bit longer.
But the waiting is so different this time. Having a child is the perfect distraction from obsessing about having another one. And no, I don't mean that in the "birth control" sort of way, though I guess it could be interpreted as such. No, I simply mean that I still feel so amazingly blessed to have Ella in my life, and if she's the only child that God has planned for us, then she's already more than I could have ever imagined. God filled the deep desire of my heart in making me a mother to her. I long to experience the joys of pregnancy again, and I would love to give Ella a sibling, and I really want to give my husband the little boy that he desires; but I finally feel that I can live my current life without obsessing about building a future life.
I don't know if I'll ever be one of those women who just "falls pregnant" without a worry or care in the world. It's my nature--and my experience--to worry. So part of me will always wonder and flip through mental calendars to find ovulation dates and then try to do the mental math about possible beta doubling times. But like a toddler who leaves her coloring when she hears the word "snack", I'm learning to leave my worries and wonders when I hear the word "Mommy".
Today's blessing was waking up early and having the chance to sit here and write a bit. I know that I don't post nearly as ofter as I have in the past, or as much as I would like (I guess having a child changes your blogging life as well), but I still really appreciate this community and enjoy following the lives of so many women who continue to be so important to me in my journey. I really am blessed to have this blog, and to have made these connections.
Hi Laura! Actually Madison loves water more than sand. She hates the grass! So we're trying to get her out to more playgrounds. But I will write more about possibly getting a separate water table & maybe a sand table too :) with her bday around the corner. Anyways, will be praying for you in this new journey! we are also planning too.
ReplyDeleteTTC is so very different after you've been blessed w/your rainbow baby. And for me, even the loss of Poppy was different w/Addy there. I am praying like mad for you right now that this is your BFP cycle.
ReplyDeleteLaura, what I love about this process for you is seeing the deepening of perspective that allows you to see yourself as feeling similar to, and even looking like, you once were, and yet knowing it is not the same. Such nuances are difficult to describe and you do a very good job of expressing it in an honest and helpful way. Thanks for sharing your growth and growing with others. . and me. Mom
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