Peaceful Easy Feeling

I think I want to coin a new phrase:  HTC.  Hoping To Conceive.

We all know that in the world of baby-making, TTC stands for "Trying To Conceive".  But I don't think I'm there yet...not physically, not emotionally. I'm not ready to "try".  The thought of "trying" is kind of exhausting on multiple levels.  And yet, part of me feels like I'm wasting time if I'm not trying. 

Ever since Summer 2007 when I convinced my husband that I should go off birth control, I've had babies on my mind.  To recap, I went through a year of anovulation, followed by a year of loss, followed by some healthy times of growth, followed--finally--by Ella.  There were times along our journey when my husband accused me of being "obsessed" with getting--and staying--pregnant.  I waved him off, saying that even the most supportive husbands just don't understand.  But now that I have my Ella and can take a better look at myself, I recognize that he was right.  I admit it, there were times when I let myself get obsessed with trying to start a family. 

I found out I was pregnant with Ella in late January 2010, and breastfed her through January 2012.  For two blissful years, I did not have to think about getting pregnant.  I didn't have to think about my cycle.  I didn't have think about ovulation.  I didn't have to track my temperature.  I didn't have to lay still with my hips on a pillow.  I didn't have to pee on a stick while crossing my fingers and holding my breathing and saying a prayer.  For two blissful years, I didn't have to worry. 

The thought of going through all of that worrying and wondering again is exhausting.  Don't get me wrong--I want another baby, but I don't want to have to "try".

And yet, I had to try--really hard--for Ella.  She was worth it. 

Which is why I think I have a peaceful easy feeling about "Hoping To Conceive" instead of "Trying To Conceive" at this stage of the game.  I am starting to feel like I would be okay if Ella is the only child in our lives.

That feels so strange to say!  But I really think that I would be okay if she's all I get.  And when I truly think about the concept, I recognize that I initially felt this way back when she was nine days old.  You may remember that I ended up in the hospital shortly after giving birth to her because I had a hematoma (blood clot) that required emergency surgery.  Before they put me under, they shared that they might need to perform a hysterectomy in the worst case scenario.  My thought then--as it is now--was "Okay God, if that's what you want, then at least I have Ella!".  Here I am, 17 months later, with two post-nursing cycles under my belt, thinking the same thing.

Again, I do indeed want another baby.  I loved being pregnant, I love being a mom, and I love watching Ella light up around babies.  I also love my husband dearly, and I know that he wants more children (and would especially love to be a father to a boy).  I just want to be able to sustain this peaceful easy feeling in which I'm okay hoping instead of trying.

Today's blessing is one of my colleagues at work who was so patient and helpful for me as I worked on a project.  He can be a rather difficult man at times, but I've also found him to be such an insightful teacher. 

Maybe May?

With the amount of traveling that I did during April (three different cities in three consecutive weekends), I wasn't too horribly surprised or disappointed to get my new cycle on Sunday (35 days--one day shorter than the last cycle).  (I should clarify--after going through bouts of amenorrhea prior to Ella, I'm never truly disappointed to get a new cycle, as I recognize that it's a necessity for healthy fertility).  But I'm also not too disappointed because I'm secretly hoping to conceive in May and have a February baby.

I know, I know, I know...I'm getting ahead of myself.  And if I've learned anything at all through this entire process, it's that God has 100% control and I have 0% say in the matter.  Sure, my husband and I will have to do certain things at key times, but the rest is up to God. 

Ella was born in September, just a week or so after my husband's birthday.  If we were to conceive in May, that baby would be due in February, a week or so before my birthday.  I know it's silly, but I would love to be able to share my birthday-month with a little one, the same way that my husband shares September with Ella.  Silly, I know, but a girl can hope, right?

I admit that I kept cheating on my healthy living plan, and found ways to justify doing so (it's easy to indulge when you're traveling to fun places like Chicago, New York, and Seattle).  So for the next couple of weeks, I'm committed.  I'm committed to eating healthy; I'm committed to working out; I'm committed to getting enough rest.  But mostly, I'm committed to trusting God and putting my hope in Him.

Yesterday's blessing was the chance to spend the evening with Ella and some of my amazing students at our annual awards banquet.  Ella was wonderfully behaved, albeit a bit clingy at first.  I really am blessed to be able to work with some amazing supervisors, peers, and students; and I'm very appreciative that they are welcoming to Ella when I tote her around with me.

So Different, and Yet Still So Similar

I'm finding myself where I've been so many times before--counting down the days until I think that I'm safe to test.  Except for this time, I have the perfect distraction--in the form of a silly and sweet 20-month old bundle of energy--to make the time go by.

Today is cycle day 35.  I was committed this month in terms of what I ate, how much I worked out, and when I encouraged certain marital interactions.  Ever since I stopped breastfeeding and started "hoping to conceive", my cycles have gotten progressively more regular (42, 39, 36, 35).  So in theory, I should be ready to test, right?  Since I've gone back to "old reliable" and started tracking my temperature again, I know that it's still elevated.  So in theory, I should be ready to test, right?

And yet, I put it off a little longer.  I think there is nothing less discouraging than a negative test, and so I wait.  I tell myself that it's now the weekend, and I wouldn't be able to make contact with my doctor's office until Monday anyway.  I poke at my breasts one more time, to confirm that no, they really don't hurt at all--which was my first true indicator with Ella (and my previous pregnancies).  And so I wait a bit longer.

But the waiting is so different this time.  Having a child is the perfect distraction from obsessing about having another one.  And no, I don't mean that in the "birth control" sort of way, though I guess it could be interpreted as such.  No, I simply mean that I still feel so amazingly blessed to have Ella in my life, and if she's the only child that God has planned for us, then she's already more than I could have ever imagined.  God filled the deep desire of my heart in making me a mother to her.  I long to experience the joys of pregnancy again, and I would love to give Ella a sibling, and I really want to give my husband the little boy that he desires; but I finally feel that I can live my current life without obsessing about building a future life. 

I don't know if I'll ever be one of those women who just "falls pregnant" without a worry or care in the world.  It's my nature--and my experience--to worry.  So part of me will always wonder and flip through mental calendars to find ovulation dates and then try to do the mental math about possible beta doubling times. But like a toddler who leaves her coloring when she hears the word "snack", I'm learning to leave my worries and wonders when I hear the word "Mommy". 

Today's blessing was waking up early and having the chance to sit here and write a bit.  I know that I don't post nearly as ofter as I have in the past, or as much as I would like (I guess having a child changes your blogging life as well), but I still really appreciate this community and enjoy following the lives of so many women who continue to be so important to me in my journey. I really am blessed to have this blog, and to have made these connections.

Here We Go Again

I envisioned myself starting a post with a "Here We Go Again" title with a disclaimer about a pregnancy announcement.  But alas, that is not the case.  Rather, I feel like I'm on the "Here We Go Again" roller coaster because my cycle is--once again--not cooperating.

Today is cycle day 38, my temperature is still high (going on 20 days now), by boobs still don't hurt, and the test this morning was negative.  I'm not going to lie--I'm disappointed.  I'm disappointed about two things.  First, I would love to be pregnant.  But more significantly, I'm disappointed that my cycle seems to be going wonkers again--and during a month when I was trying to be so careful!  Before getting pregnant with Ella, my cycles slowly but surely started to improve.  Don't quote me on these numbers, but in the months leading up to conceiving, my cycles were something like 36, 35, 33, 32, 30.  So when my post-nursing cycle lengths went 42, 39, 36, 35...I was hopeful that I was again seeing improvement.  Which leaves me bummed, disappointed, frustrated...and wondering.

And wondering, in the land of baby-making, can be a bad thing.

I can feel myself going back to that place of over-analyzing and calculating and becoming consumed, and I don't want to be here.  I don't want to think about egg quality and whether or not I got in enough "attempts" before my husband left for three weeks of Army annual training.  I want to just enjoy the perfect and amazing gift of Ella, like I told myself I would.  I want to trust God's plan for our lives--which I know is just as perfect and amazing--without my own dreams and desires getting in the way. 

Ugh.  I found a problem with my "hoping to conceive" attempt at building a family.  The problem is that you actually begin to hope.  And hope is a powerful thing.

Today I am blessed with the chance to bring Ella to swim lessons.  We did swim lessons last year when Ella was just 8 months, so it will be so different this year now that she is 20 months.  She loves the bath and her water table, and it is super hot here in the desert these days, so I'm really hopeful that she'll enjoy the lessons this year.  We'll be at a new pool right across the street from her daycare, and I signed her up for the whole month of June, so I'm hoping that this will be a good distraction while my husband is gone.

That Could Work, Professionally-Speaking

Well, Tuesday was the start of another cycle.  I was a little sad, but ultimately I was pleased that it was a 35-day cycle.  In fact, it pretty much showed up just as I was expecting--which made me feel nearly normal for the first time in months. 

I didn't despair when it showed up, but I do admit that I started doing some mental calculations to figure out what my due date would be if I were to somehow conceive during this new cycle.  Late May?  Early June?  That could work, professionally-speaking.

Part of my job includes coordinating a big admission process for selecting the students who are eligible to enter our major each semester, meaning that I'm pretty busy at work from late-August to mid-May.  My supervisors are very supportive and totally accommodating, but let's just say that they would be beyond thrilled if I were to be so blessed as to take maternity leave over our slower summer season so that I could continue with my regular projects. 

Yes, I'm completely aware that it's rather silly to try to plan like this when you have a history like I do.  And I would be happy to conceive and give birthday at any time during the year!  But one of my strengths is my sense of "responsibility", so I can't help but think of these kinds of things. 

I know this is all wishful thinking.  I know that I'm totally getting ahead of myself.  And ultimately I know that my sense of timing is nowhere near as perfect at God's.  And so I wait and pray and hope that I might someday understand His plan for our lives. 

Yesterday's blessing was learning that my very-dear friend's baby boy was born just two days shy of his due date and appears to be perfectly healthy.  You may remember that she was exposed to congenital CMV during her pregnancy, so they were really worried that he might have complications.  But praise God, the tests have come back normal!  I'm hoping to visit them in December, and it's breaking my heart that I can't go sooner!

It's Not a Race

In September 2008, my sister-in-law (who I totally love and adore) suffered a third trimester loss at 30 weeks when the cord got wrapped around the otherwise-perfectly-healthy baby boy's neck. One week letter, I had my first miscarriage. Wasn't the greatest month for my family...although it did bring us closer together.

Since that fateful month, I've suffered two more miscarriages; while my brother and sister-in-law have postponed trying again. In my recent trip back home, she shared with me that they were hoping to start trying again in August. She's a teacher, so in her "perfect world", they would conceive at the beginning of the school year and deliver at the end of the school year, so that she could go straight into summer with her new baby.

Here's my problem. I'm the oldest. I was married first. I'm the oldest grandchild. In my mind, I'm supposed to have the first baby. But obviously it doesn't work that way. And I often need to remind myself that it's not a race.

Like I said, I totally love and adore my sister-in-law, and we often share about our fertility fears. I wish that neither of us had to deal with these losses, but it is kind of nice to have someone else in the family who understands what I'm going through. We process our losses in different ways, but I appreciate the support that she has shown me through the difficult times. I know that she will be an amazing mother, and my brother will be the coolest father. So why do I want so badly to have the first baby?

If I've learned anything from these losses, it's that my plans don't turn out the way that I want them to all the time. I need to let go of my plan to be the first to have a baby, and trust that God's plan for my life (and the life of my sister-in-law) is perfect.

As I think about my blessings after a post like this, I really do recognize just how blessed I am to have such an amazing sister-in-law. She brings so many great things out in my brother, and perfectly tolerates my crazy family (let's be honest--it's hard to marry into a family where you have a pastor for a father-in-law and a marriage and family therapist for a mother-in-law). I love her dearly, and hope and pray that we can share the joys of pregnancy and children together soon.

If Only It Were That Easy

I have another colleague in my office who I just learned is pregnant.  As we were chatting around the lunch table about all the babies that our office has experienced over the last couple of years (five births since 2008, with two more on the way in Fall), she had the audacity to say "must be something in the water".  Sure, I get that it was intended as a joke, but you and I both know that it's clearly not that easy.  And so without making too big of a scene, I said so.

I realize that pregnancies might come really easily for some, and they might even feel like it's okay to joke about it.  But for me, pregnancy is a beautiful and delicate thing that could come and go so quickly.  It's a special and sacred time--one that is full of wonder and awe, and yet also has a bit of worry and fear attached to it.  Perhaps I would feel different if it were as easy for us as drinking the office water, but our history has shaped us.

I have a good news-bad news sort of update on our attempts at "hoping to conceive" a sibling for Ella. The good news is that my cycle showed up at 36 days, so shorter than the previous month.  But the bad news (if you can really call it that) is that it did indeed show up, despite some pretty well-timed anniversary celebrations.  I'm a little sad, but ultimately, I'm pleased that my cycle is becoming more "regular", so that's what I'm going to focus on.

 Today's blessing was the chance to snuggle with Ella a bit as she went down for her nap.  The poor girl played hard all morning, and then started falling asleep in her high chair during lunch, with her little head bobbing everywhere.  She will often fight going down for a nap, but this time, she was all cuddles as I lay her down.  She's turning into such a sweet girl.