Sunday, August 9, 2009

It's Not a Race

In September 2008, my sister-in-law (who I totally love and adore) suffered a third trimester loss at 30 weeks when the cord got wrapped around the otherwise-perfectly-healthy baby boy's neck. One week letter, I had my first miscarriage. Wasn't the greatest month for my family...although it did bring us closer together.

Since that fateful month, I've suffered two more miscarriages; while my brother and sister-in-law have postponed trying again. In my recent trip back home, she shared with me that they were hoping to start trying again in August. She's a teacher, so in her "perfect world", they would conceive at the beginning of the school year and deliver at the end of the school year, so that she could go straight into summer with her new baby.

Here's my problem. I'm the oldest. I was married first. I'm the oldest grandchild. In my mind, I'm supposed to have the first baby. But obviously it doesn't work that way. And I often need to remind myself that it's not a race.

Like I said, I totally love and adore my sister-in-law, and we often share about our fertility fears. I wish that neither of us had to deal with these losses, but it is kind of nice to have someone else in the family who understands what I'm going through. We process our losses in different ways, but I appreciate the support that she has shown me through the difficult times. I know that she will be an amazing mother, and my brother will be the coolest father. So why do I want so badly to have the first baby?

If I've learned anything from these losses, it's that my plans don't turn out the way that I want them to all the time. I need to let go of my plan to be the first to have a baby, and trust that God's plan for my life (and the life of my sister-in-law) is perfect.

As I think about my blessings after a post like this, I really do recognize just how blessed I am to have such an amazing sister-in-law. She brings so many great things out in my brother, and perfectly tolerates my crazy family (let's be honest--it's hard to marry into a family where you have a pastor for a father-in-law and a marriage and family therapist for a mother-in-law). I love her dearly, and hope and pray that we can share the joys of pregnancy and children together soon.

1 comment:

  1. you are such a wonderful sister in law to her. I do understand your mixed feelings and am hoping that your miracle arrives quickly so those emotions never happen (about being the first)
    sending you a big hug!


I love to hear what you think!