Friday, August 7, 2009


It kind of took me by surprise, but that was actually my gut reaction when I walked into a colleagues cubicle and found ultrasound pictures on her screen. And I say "Ahh" in a good, warm, caring way. And it wasn't that I was so much surprised to see ultrasound pictures, rather, I was surprised at my reaction.

This colleague works part-time in our office, and teaches part-time as well, so has a cubicle rather than an office. I dropped in to ask her a quick question, and since her back was to the door (facing her computer screen), I didn't see that she was on her cell phone. But I did see the computer monitor, full of beautiful ultrasound pictures. I know that her daughter is expecting in December (when I would have been due), so I assume that she was talking to her on the phone. I didn't stick around to look, but rather gave her the privacy to finish the conversation (and admiring her first grandchild).

But I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was genuinely happy for my colleague (who, by the way, is so kind and compassionate to me). I admit that I think I sometimes have some lingering feelings towards women who I know who are so easily pregnant without experiencing the pain and frustration that I've endured. I can't say I'm "bitter" or "jealous"--it's not quite that extreme...they are just "feelings". And I even feel bad writing this, as I fear I may offend or hurt some readers--and that's not intent--rather, I just need to be honest with myself and others and disclose that sometimes it's really hard to be around pregnant women when I can't seem to fully join that club.

But maybe that's part of it--my colleague isn't the one who is pregnant. It's her daughter--who I've never met and don't have to pass in the hallways everyday as she gets bigger and bigger. Or maybe it's that seeing my colleague care for her daughter (even just over the phone) reminds me of my mom, and how much she cares about me. Perhaps it's that I recognize the desire to want your child to be happy--that's what I really want, and I'm sure that's what she wants for her (grown-up) child as well.

So I think that having an "Ahh!" escape my lips and truly penetrate my heart is a good first step. I know I still have a long way to go, but it's a start.

Today's blessing was being able to leave the office at the end of the week and feel like I had accomplished something. Things were relatively slow in terms of my appointments, but I was able to get a lot of little details completed for the various programs that I oversee. I'm also blessed with a board of student leaders who are excited to help out, and tell me that they really want to impact others around them. You may remember that I was lamenting a few posts ago ("Ugg") that I felt rather unfulfilled in my work. I guess I'm happy to say that things are starting to look up. Maybe it was (dare I say it?) just too much time on my hands. Something tells me I'll soon miss those days...


  1. I love the honesty with which you grapple with feelings of the moments, with an awareness of what others might feel,but not hamppered by it, trusting them enough to share yourself.

  2. I've just started reading your blog. One of my friends told me to read your blog. I'm totally agree with the way you feel and its hard not to feel that way. When I lost my first baby I was going to school and there was a girl in our class that was 7 months along. When I went back to school it was so hard to look at her and to be happy for her. But then the worst thing happen to her she lost her baby 3 weeks laters and I felt so bad that I even thought in my head once why me and not her. Its been a year and a half since I lost mine and I still fill that way. I agree that its not that your mad its that there is just a feeling. Thank you so much for sharing.


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