Late

When TTC, "late" is a loaded word.

If I were following a perfect 28 day cycle; then yes, I would say that I were "late". As I mentioned in a previous post, I don't feel different at all...so I haven't tested yet. I guess part of me just doesn't want to "waste" a test. And perhaps another part of me doesn't want to be disappointed by a BFN (even though I say that we were "trying but not trying").

More likely, I'm thinking that I'm "late" because I'm afraid that my cycle may be off again. The last cycle was six-weeks, but I chalked that up to the fact that it was following Loss #3, so I figured my hormones were out of whack. The cycle prior to the most recent pregnancy was 30 days, and I was stoked! I thought that perhaps the Metformin had "fixed" everything. But I'm now on Day 33...and wondering if I even ovulated...or if perhaps that is still to come...or maybe won't show up this time at all...

I'm trying not to worry or obsess or dwell on it too much. It would be so hard to deal with another loss, so I pleaded with God that He only allow me to conceive if and when I can carry to term. After three losses, I'd rather just not conceive than deal with another loss. I realize that I can't exactly tell God how to run my life, but I have to trust that He knows what he's doing.

I realize that I can only live in this "late" phase for so long. Something is bound to happen in some capacity, sooner or later. Until then, I pray for patience and understanding.

Today's blessing is totally selfish. My husband and I play Scrabble at Starbucks every Sunday after church, and it seems like I've lost every game this summer. Maybe I just got lucky, but it sure was a blessing to win today. More importantly, it's always a blessing to have this consistent time alone with my husband.