I was so shocked by the news two weeks ago that we were farther along than we thought, measuring just fine, with a solid heartbeat that I don't think that the reality that we are indeed having another baby truly sank in until I saw our baby again yesterday. Now that we've seen our growing baby twice, I feel like this pregnancy is finally feeling like a reality.
I was feeling super confident after our appointment two weeks ago...but then as the days passed, the fears and worries of the past crept in. I started feeling better, physically; which was a relief, but left me feeling concerned, emotionally. I remember this cycle of emotions when I was pregnant with Ella as well--at least until I started feeling her move around daily. I get such a euphoric high from seeing and confirming and believing that my child is alive and growing...but it wears off after a couple of days, and I find myself preparing for the worst. I confess that I hung up on my husband when he told me, the day before my second appointment, that he wouldn't be able to be there with me. Not one of my best moments as a wife; I know.
But God provided me with peace that passes understanding; even when the nurse brought me back to a room without an ultrasound machine. I saw a different doctor yesterday, and she gave me a little bit of a scare when she couldn't initially find the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler, but then we heard the beautiful thump-thumps, measuring in the 170s. Although we heard and saw the heartbeat at our last appointment, our doctor hadn't given us a number--which was one of the reasons that I had started to wonder and worry. She was also more than happy to bring me across the hall to another room that had an ultrasound machine, and let me experience the joy of seeing my child again. It wasn't until after I left that I realized that she hadn't actually taken measurements to make sure that we're still measuring on track, but she did say that the baby looked exactly like what she was expecting for 11 weeks.
We still have a long way to go; but I'm feeling more confident and calm about the reality of this pregnancy. I'm acutely aware that anything can happen; and yes, I realize that we still have another week or so before the "safety" of the second trimester; but for now, reality is sinking in.
Today's blessing is my colleague who I really appreciate and enjoy. Her daughter was born in September, and she's now back to work. She knows our struggles, and our triumphs, and has been such a wonderful friend, supporter, and confidant. Although I'm sure that she misses her daughter during the day, I selfishly think that it's wonderful to have her back at work. Her friendship is such a blessing.