Practice Makes Perfect

I had toyed with the idea of titling this post as "Poopoo in the Potty", but didn't know how many of you would appreciate that jumping out at you on this beautiful weekend.  But sure enough, Ella went poopoo in the potty on Friday morning!

I shared a story earlier on--when Ella was right around a year old--about how she made the sign for "potty" when my husband farted.  So for the last six months or so, she has definitely been aware of bodily functions.  I would rather not have to worry about cleaning out a little potty, so about a month ago, we got one of those fancy toilet seats that has a smaller opening for a child.  We've been letting Ella sit on it before her bath (and really, whenever she takes an interest in it), but she hasn't done anything in it yet.  But Friday morning, as we were getting ready to sit down for breakfast she asked "poopoo?".  So I honored her request and ran down the hall with her to the bathroom, figuring that I going to be changing her out of her diaper anyway.  But when we got her on the seat and she got comfortable, I heard her pass a little gas, and she signed and said "mo(re)".  And sure enough, she went more!

We had another small success on Friday evening, but nothing else since.  I wouldn't say that we're fully jumping into potty training quite yet, but I'm hoping she'll be ready by the summer.  Until then, practice makes perfect, right?

Today's blessing was a really great sermon from our pastor who baptized Ella.  It was just really what I needed to hear.  He and his wife also suffered three losses before having their two boys, and they continue to be a source of hope and encouragement for us.

Ella-isms (Vol. 3)

My baby girl is now a full blown toddler!  I wanted to share some of the things she's been into lately:

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles...and Bikes
Ella is totally into anything that moves and can get her from Point A to Point B.  We live relatively close to a train track, so we hear the distant whistles a couple of times a day.  Since she was about 8 months or so, we've been doing the sign for "train" when we hear it go by, and make the "chugga chugga chugga chugga choo choo!" noises for her.  She has now totally adopted the noises as well, and makes them--along with the motions--whenever she sees any type of train.  She also likes to point out the planes in the sky, and "car" is now one of her favorite words.  But her favorite mode of transportation is by far the bicycle.  They get to ride little tricycles at her school, so I got one for the house as well:

Sorry...I don't know why I can't turn the picture!

Monkey Business
Ella LOVES the monkeys at the zoo.  So I bought her some Curious George books, brought her to see George when he appeared on campus for a character story time, and bought her a George stuffed animal.  She does the sign for "monkey" while making an "oo oo oo" noise at least a dozen times a day.

There's No Crying in Baseball
We drove up to Phoenix for a Spring Training game last weekend, and like any good mother, I smothered Ella in sunscreen.  Unfortunately, Ella immediately had some sort of reaction, because her skin turned pink (while we were still in the shade) and tears started rolling down her cheeks.  I could tell that it was bothering her eyes because she kept rubbing (and not in the sleepy sort of way) at them, which only made the problem worse.  Luckily, our seats were in the shade, so I wiped off as much of the lotion as I could.  (Needless to say, I threw out the sunscreen and bought a new organic version that I hope will work better with her skin).

Again..not sure why I can't rotate the picture...

Jabber Mouth
The language explosion is starting!  Ella is talking more and more each day--some of which is truly distinguishable words from the English language!  I love our half-hour drive into town each day, when she just jibber-jabbers away to herself in the backseat, pointing out cars and trains, as mentioned above. She will repeat back what we say, answer for herself when we ask her questions, and pipe up with a declaration of what she observes.  Her vocabulary includes but is not limited to:  Mama, Dada, dog, duck, apple, diaper, tickle, book, white, blue, red, purple, neigh, moo(ooooo), baa, meow, mine, water, milk, magnet, cracker, cookie, potty, car, help, more...and the list goes on!  We're still introducing some new signs here and there as well, and she still uses them to point out things that she wants us to notice.

Book Worm
My New Years Resolution was to read to Ella every day.  I was pretty good about reading to her in the first 15 months, but truly wanted to be intentional about helping her develop a love for books, as my parents did for us.  So books are now always part of evening routine, and I squeeze in a few more throughout the day whenever I can.  Ella has totally responded to the increase in our reading time together, and interacts with her books, pointing out the familiar objects and asking for more whenever we finish.

Tickle Monster
Is there anything better than hearing your child laugh?  Very little compares to hearing Ella giggle, so naturally, I tickle her.  And she has now started to tickle us too.  If she ever gets fussy in the car, I can reach my hand back and give her a quick little tickle, and she now grabs a hold of my arm and tickles the palm of my hand.  When I laugh and squirm, she laughs even harder!  It's the sweetest thing ever!

Yesterday's blessing was the chance to share some of my gently-used maternity clothes with my colleague, who I really enjoy and admire...and is now developing the cutest little baby bump after also struggling with PCOS and in/fertility.  She has been such a great friend and colleague, and it's so great to be able to share in some of these little aspects of her pregnancy. 

Peaceful Easy Feeling

I think I want to coin a new phrase:  HTC.  Hoping To Conceive.

We all know that in the world of baby-making, TTC stands for "Trying To Conceive".  But I don't think I'm there yet...not physically, not emotionally. I'm not ready to "try".  The thought of "trying" is kind of exhausting on multiple levels.  And yet, part of me feels like I'm wasting time if I'm not trying. 

Ever since Summer 2007 when I convinced my husband that I should go off birth control, I've had babies on my mind.  To recap, I went through a year of anovulation, followed by a year of loss, followed by some healthy times of growth, followed--finally--by Ella.  There were times along our journey when my husband accused me of being "obsessed" with getting--and staying--pregnant.  I waved him off, saying that even the most supportive husbands just don't understand.  But now that I have my Ella and can take a better look at myself, I recognize that he was right.  I admit it, there were times when I let myself get obsessed with trying to start a family. 

I found out I was pregnant with Ella in late January 2010, and breastfed her through January 2012.  For two blissful years, I did not have to think about getting pregnant.  I didn't have to think about my cycle.  I didn't have think about ovulation.  I didn't have to track my temperature.  I didn't have to lay still with my hips on a pillow.  I didn't have to pee on a stick while crossing my fingers and holding my breathing and saying a prayer.  For two blissful years, I didn't have to worry. 

The thought of going through all of that worrying and wondering again is exhausting.  Don't get me wrong--I want another baby, but I don't want to have to "try".

And yet, I had to try--really hard--for Ella.  She was worth it. 

Which is why I think I have a peaceful easy feeling about "Hoping To Conceive" instead of "Trying To Conceive" at this stage of the game.  I am starting to feel like I would be okay if Ella is the only child in our lives.

That feels so strange to say!  But I really think that I would be okay if she's all I get.  And when I truly think about the concept, I recognize that I initially felt this way back when she was nine days old.  You may remember that I ended up in the hospital shortly after giving birth to her because I had a hematoma (blood clot) that required emergency surgery.  Before they put me under, they shared that they might need to perform a hysterectomy in the worst case scenario.  My thought then--as it is now--was "Okay God, if that's what you want, then at least I have Ella!".  Here I am, 17 months later, with two post-nursing cycles under my belt, thinking the same thing.

Again, I do indeed want another baby.  I loved being pregnant, I love being a mom, and I love watching Ella light up around babies.  I also love my husband dearly, and I know that he wants more children (and would especially love to be a father to a boy).  I just want to be able to sustain this peaceful easy feeling in which I'm okay hoping instead of trying.

Today's blessing is one of my colleagues at work who was so patient and helpful for me as I worked on a project.  He can be a rather difficult man at times, but I've also found him to be such an insightful teacher. 

Better Late Than Never

40 days for this last cycle.  I've had better, but I've also had a heck of a lot worse. 

It came early last Saturday morning--the day when I was in charge of coordinating our big interview day for over 500 students.  It ruined my opportunity to wear the cute new suit I had ordered.  But I decided that my old baggy black suit would probably be a better wardrobe option over the new form-fitting light-grey slacks that I had been looking forward to wearing. 

I knew that there was 0% chance of pregnancy for that cycle, since my husband was out of the country for the duration.  It made it easy for me to look forward to when it would start.  Now...I'm not quite sure how I feel.  I'm still trying to wrap my mind around how I'm feeling about trying again.  I'll try to formulate the right words to articulate what I'm feeling.  My husband leaves for his Army Reserve weekend drill tomorrow morning, so maybe I'll get the chance to put my thoughts down on paper (er, the web?).

Today's blessing was the chance to chat with Ella's lead teacher in her classroom this morning (she usually arrives 10 minutes after I leave, and Ella spends the first 10 minutes of each day with a "sub").  It was just really great to hear that Ella and her friend Madelyn are both doing really great with learning all sorts of new things in the class.  I'm really glad that the change at the beginning of the year is really working out.

I Don't Know Why I Thought It Would Be Any Different

I don't know why I thought it would be any different this time around. 

I guess I got my hopes up that things would return to "normal" since my cycle came back so quickly after I stopped breastfeeding.  I also (lovingly) blame my mom--she tells me that she had to work very hard for me (I was a Clomid baby), but that after she had me, her cycles became very regular and she had no problems when it came time to try to add my brothers into the picture.

Here I sit at cycle day 33.  Yes, I realize that perhaps my body is still trying to figure things out after nursing for a 15 months, and I know that I'm within the "normal" range for a cycle (and watch--now that I'm here writing about it, chances are it will show up tonight and God will laugh at me for being so over dramatic).  Keep in mind that my husband has been out of the country for this entire cycle, so no, there is no chance that I'm late in that sort of way. 

I think I'm also bummed because I'm rather confused.  I thought that I had perhaps ovulated on Day 14--which would be as "perfect" as you can get.  But those "signs" have been sticking around ever since then, which I've read can be symptomatic in women who struggle with PCOS.  Dang my crazy hormones!  Now I'm kicking myself for not temping or testing this last month so that I could better understand my cycle.  I had thought about it, but figured that my experience would be like my mom's and things would just simply become "normal".

It looks like if I want to have any success in conceiving and--more importantly--carrying to term, I'm going to have to get back into my crazy healthy habits again.  Although I was being much better about not stealing candy from the candy dish at work, I admit that I was "cheating" a bit here and there when pastries were brought in to our break room (if I wasn't eating them, they would just be wasted...right?).  As it is, since going back to work in January 2011, I've already been getting up at 5:00 am so that I could get to work on time after getting myself and Ella ready.  How the heck am I supposed to try to squeeze a workout in any earlier than that?!

My husband says that he's "ready" to start trying again, but that he doesn't want me to get too wrapped up in it.  And I admit that there was definitely a time when I was obsessed with trying to conceive.  I am in a very different place now--spiritually and emotionally--but that doesn't make it any easier.  As hard as I try to just kick back and trust God's timing, how they heck am I not supposed to think about it?!

Not to mention, it dawned on me the other day that among the RPL blogs that I follow in this community, two women have gotten pregnant again...and I'm sad to say that they both lost their babies.  So what made me think that it would be any different now?  Apparently loss still happens, even after hope.

Okay, I feel like I got some of my frustration out.  I know that some of you can totally relate, and that gives me comfort.  I shouldn't be complaining--I have a beautiful Ella girl napping in the other room.  If she's all I get, she's more than I could have ever dreamed.

Today's blessing was spending the morning over at the home of Ella's friend Madelyn.  Her mom has really become a good friend, and I love watching the girls play together so nicely.

Ella-isms (Vol. 2)

It's been a couple of months since I shared some Ella-isms, so I wanted to capture some more of her antics:

Barefoot Beauty
For whatever reason, Ella doesn't like to wear shoes in the car.  Typically, by the time that I make it out of the parking lot, I hear the unmistakable rip of velcro, followed by the "uh, uh, uh" straining of a toddler trying to reach forward from her five-point harness to reach her socks and pull them off as well.  I've gotten to the point where I don't even bother putting her shoes on in the morning before we go to school.  Rather, I just put them on when we arrive at her daycare.  I don't blame her--I love to go barefoot as well.  And now that she's playing outside more at her new school, she's slowly transferring every grain of sand from the sandbox to the backseat of our car.

Clean Freak
My mother-in-law tells me stories of my husband as a child, and how he wiped his hands on a napkin after every bite of food he ate.  Well, Ella is clearly his daughter, because she does the same thing.  Tonight, she was more interested in cleaning the table, than she was in eating her food.  I can only hope that this means that she'll do well with cleaning up her room when she's older.

Mama's Little Helper
Speaking up cleaning up, I've started having Ella help me clean up her toys every evening before we read our books and go to bed.  I'm very impressed with how quickly she caught on that all her toys go in the box at the end of the day.  Even more impressive--she has begun to help me unload the dishwasher, all by herself.  She'll take each utensil out of the little caddy and stack them all up in the drawer where they belong!  Granted, they are all piled up, rather than in their own compartments, but it's still really neat that she pitched in to help out.

Monkey See, Monkey Do
When my mom was in town, she taught Ella the sign for "monkey".  We then went to the zoo before she left, and the monkeys were giving us quite the show!  Ella now signs for monkey, and tries to imitate the "whoop!" sound that they make.  Since she is so interested in monkeys, I tried to buy her some new books with monkeys, and ended up with three new Curious George books.  Turns out that Curious George came to campus today for a storybook character event, so Ella got to see him up close and personal.  She didn't quite know what to think, but she did give him a high-five and waved bye-bye.  We'll go to the zoo again tomorrow (I'm bound and determined to take full advantage of our annual pass).

Hugs and Kisses
Ella has become very affectionate lately.  When I'm rocking her and singing songs at night, she'll often pat my back or take my face in her hands, look me straight in the eye, and give me a big kiss.  When I put her down and say her prayers, she then blows me a kiss from her bed when I tell her that I love her.  The other day when I was sitting on the ground, she came up behind me a gave a giant hug.  But I'm not the only one she'll hug--she loves to give her friend Madelyn hugs as well.  We started by prompting them, but now both girls will give and receive hugs to each other on their own.  I love that she has become so kind to others.

Today's blessing was running into my friend and former colleague at the Curious George event.  She was there with her son, who is now three, and it's so neat to see him turning into a big boy.  I really miss working with her, but I'm so proud of her for following her dreams.

Grandma to the Rescue!

I'm starting in to my busy time at work (okay, let's be honest--it seems like it's always a busy time at work lately, but this time it's for a project that is largely my responsibility). I had to work late two nights this last week, giving presentations to nearly 600 students.  With my husband still out of the country, that left me in a bind with what to do with Ella on those evenings. 

Luckily, my mom was an anxious to see Ella, as I was to find someone to watch her.  So I picked up my mom from the airport late Wednesday afternoon, picked up Ella from daycare, handed her off to my mom, and went back to work.  My mom said that she gave one little complaint as they drove away, but was totally fine after that.  She was asleep by the time I got home.  Sadly, she was still asleep when I left the next morning!  But my mom brought her in for a Chinese New Year celebration at her new school, and we then had lunch together. 

The last time that Ella saw my mom was in September for her birthday and baptism, but she either remembers her or has just done really well adjusting to her.  She even hopped off my lap and chose to go to my mom at one point yesterday.  She does the sign for Grandma when my mom isn't in the room.  It really makes me happy to see her bonding with my mom.  It's hard having them in California, but we make the most of our time when we are together.

I always knew that my mom would be a wonderful grandmother.  From her work as a Marriage and Family Therapist, she is so wise about reading others--especially children.  She has been teaching Ella all sorts of new songs and games.  Now I just need to try to remember all of the lyrics so I can continue to sing them to her!

Today's blessing was getting a text from my friend and colleague letting me know that her beta levels more than doubled in 48 hours.  She also suffers from PCOS (and also doesn't fit the normal symptoms), and has let me share my journey with her; and her journey with me.  I know I shared previously that I was sad when my very-dear friend shared with me that she was pregnant, but I felt different this time with my colleague.  I was so genuinely excited for her when she told me that she was pregnant, and it gives me hope that I won't always be a jealous person.  Please keep this friend in your prayers, as I know how fragile life can be.