For his birthday, I got my very-dear's son the baby sign language DVDs that Ella enjoys, so when she sent me a video message on my phone of him doing the sign for "baby", I thought nothing of it, and responded by text that "baby" was one of Ella's favorite signs as well.
She called back and told me the rest of the story: she's pregnant again.
This isn't something I should be sad about, but I am. I'm very happy for her, and I pray for her and this life that God is creating in her. I recognize that every life is a miracle. So why am I sad?
I've been thinking and praying about it for the last couple of days, and I think it comes down to two things; both which feel really selfish. First, she and I were pregnant together the first time, so in a weird sort of way, I wanted to be pregnant with her again. Second, I still haven't started a cycle. She's now gotten pregnant twice (she experienced an early loss over the summer), and I feel like I'm still waiting to get in the game.
Experience has taught me that no matter how much I try to tell God to hurry up, He's got his own plan. I'm trying to align my desires to follow His plan for my life. I'm trying to live in the moment and not get ahead of myself. I'm trying to be genuinely at peace. But I'm not always the person I try to be.
When she told me, I was snacking on chocolate chips (not even chocolate chip cookies...just the chocolate chips). I've let breastfeeding become my excuse for eating like crap, but if I want my hormones to get back in sync, something has got to change. I'm firmly convinced that I was able to carry Ella to term because my hormones were acting the way I should...which was related to my insulin levels being normal...which was definitely helped by the Metformin, but I was also being really good about what I put in my body. I've let go of that discipline, and sure--it was fun (and tasty!) but I think that something has to change if want to be healthy--and hopefully fertile--again.
I realize that I could stop breastfeeding at any time, and that would hopefully kickstart my cycle. But I want to wait until after the holidays (and more importantly, the plane flights that mark the beginning and the end of the holidays). If Ella gets fussy on a trips to and from Montana, I want to be able to whip out her one and only, tried and true "pacifier" (an no, I don't mean a "binky").
So here I am, heading into the holidays with a sweets-baking-mother-in-law and a resolution to cut out the sugar. Great timing, huh? But I've done it before, and I can do it again. Like I said, one of Ella's favorite signs (and now spoken word as well) is "baby". I'm willing to sacrifice the cookies, fudge, and candy canes if it means that we might be able to give her a baby brother or sister in the future.
She's worth it...
...wish me luck.
Today's blessing is that my husband is coming home tonight from a class he's been taking out in LA. I'm very excited to have him come home. Then it's one more week of work, and then vacation with him and Ella and his family.