What I'm Feeling

I was asked how I was feeling, and I can't answer it with simply one emotion.

Yucky.  I never had any sort of morning sickness with Ella.  But ever since I took the test, I've been feeling yucky every day from around 9:30 am to noon.  At first, when I thought I was only four weeks pregnant at the time, I assumed it had to be all in my head.  But since I was apparently seven weeks by the time I found out I was pregnant, I feel more justified in feeling yucky.  No puking, as of yet, and I do seem to feel better in the afternoon.  But definitely yucky in the mid-morning.

Silly.  I feel so silly that I didn't know I was pregnant.  You know me--I'm so careful about watching for fertility signs and tracking my cycle.  How could I, of all people, miss this?  In my defense, I legitimately thought that the bleeding that I experienced during Thanksgiving must have been a cycle.  My doctor also agreed that it sounded like more bleeding than normal implantation bleeding.  And also in my defense, they did a test at my doctor's office days after that; pretty much two weeks after I must have ovulated.  I just peed in the cup and let them analyze the results.  I assure you that had I been the one to dip the test, I would have been holding it up to the light to get a better look.

Relieved.  On the other side of feeling silly for not knowing I was pregnant for three weeks, I feel so relieve that God got me through the hardest weeks of waiting!  He clearly knew what He was doing, and I believe that He orchestrated the whole discovery flawlessly--from the timing, right down to tenderly speaking through my daughter.  I had about two weeks of wondering from the time I called my doctor to the time of my appointment, but like I said, I started feeling yucky nearly right away, which was a nice reassurance.  So when we did discover that we were so much farther ahead than we thought with a solid heartbeat, I was so relieved to have gotten past that first major milestone.

Guilty.  Since I thought I wasn't pregnant, and was told by my doctor's office that I was not, I acted as if I was not.  I had a glass of wine with my very-dear friend in Florida, and again the next weekend at my husband's holiday party.  I ordered that cup of coffee the morning before I found out.  I also ate "princess sized" bowls of ice cream with my very-dear friend (in their household, the serving sizes go "medium", "large", "princess").  I helped myself to holiday sweets, including raw cookie dough, as we got ready for Christmas.  If I thought that there was any chance that I would be pregnant, I would never had indulged in any of these items, so I'm left feeling guilty for doing so without knowing.

Tired.  Like with the morning sickness, I don't remember feeling quite this tired when I was pregnant with Ella.  Then again, I didn't have a two year old to chase after, and I had the luxury of taking a lot of naps.  But aside from the sleepiness, my body itself is often tired.  It takes effort to simply wash my hair in the morning, and then I can't hardly stay standing up when it's time to comb it.  Once I'm up and going, I can make it through the day.  But by the time Ella goes down, that's all I want to do as well.  However, I am proud to report that I got three good runs in this week, which seems to help boost my energy.

Shock.  I continue to tell my husband, in wonder, "we're having a baby!".  I think that my shock is a close relative to feeling silly.  With Ella, I just knew it and felt it and believed it.  I was scared to death of another loss, but I just had a quiet peace and a sense that we had finally gotten it right.  This time, I guess I must have been running low on faith, because it all just didn't seem possible, which is why I'm still feeling shocked that it all came together, according to God's plan.

Hope.  All other mental thoughts and physical ailments aside, I feel hopeful.  This is the chance I've been hoping for and wishing for and praying for, and it's finally here.  God is good; He knows what He's doing, even when I apparently don't know what I'm doing.  We're off to a good start, and I am hopeful that I will indeed meet this miraculous surprise in August. 

Today's blessing is that Ella has been doing great with potty training.  She had one little accident this week at school, but overall, she really seems to have grasped the concept.  And more importantly, she also understands just how happy and proud we are of her and all of her abilities.