I believe that today, or somewhere near today, would have been the EDD for our second baby. I often joke that this loss was my "favorite miscarriage", simply because it happened so quickly and without much trauma. No, I don't really have a "favorite"--that would mean that I actually "enjoyed" it. But if I hadn't taken the test, I would never have known. I would have just assumed that my period was late (and if you've been following my story, you'll know that it is often later than I'd prefer). But I did take the test and I did know! And I still mourn for that loss...which happened on Valentine's Day, of all days.
When I try to think of how I'm doing, I just sigh. I guess that's a good sign that I'm not emotionally devastated by the remembrance. Don't get me wrong--I'm sad. I've been sad since that Valentine's Day (really, I've been sad since the loss of the first baby months before that), but today's sadness doesn't feel any more intensified. In my book, I think that's progress. And please know that although I carry these three little pockets of sadness in my heart, I have so much for which to be joyful and God blesses me with happiness to help fill the voids.
I was blessed last night to participate in "Game Night" with some friends from church, and had a blast, even without my husband. I love games...but I hate to lose...and I hate even more when I become competitive and nasty if the game isn't going my way. Well the nasty competitive side of me didn't come out at all because the girls won by a landslide in a crazy game of Cranium. And I was rather impressed with my own abilities--both in performing (spelled catastrophe backwards) and in guessing (could your illustration of tears and a cup with an arrow be "don't cry over spilled milk"?). I'm so glad I went, and I'm overwhelmed at God's goodness to bring such amazing friends into our lives, especially at times like this when I miss my husband.
It's amazing how sometimes you read someones blog and think you could have written it yourself. We will always remember our babies with a sense of sadness and heartbreak, but in time we learn to lean more on the Lord and no longer feel like we are completely shattered. Praying for your little miracle.
ReplyDeleteUgh, I think something was in the water! Or maybe it only happened to the most awesome of all the hall directors :-) I totally know what you mean, regarding the MCs. When the EDD would pop up, all of a sudden it would catch up to me. But the MCs that have been fast and sudden are at least over quickly. I'm loving catching up on your blog, thank you so much for sharing!
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