Prayer is something that is very real for me. I still firmly believe that Ella is an answer to prayer. And as more and more time has gone on since I got my cycle back in January, I've been praying more and more. And it dawned on me this morning--I wonder if I sound like a toddler to God with my incessant prayers.
We work on manners with Ella, often reminding her to say "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" and "sorry". And yet, when she wants something...she wants something! It's not uncommon for her to repeat her request over, and over, and over until she gets some sort of response from me.
Milk!? Milk!? Milk!? Milk!? Milk!?
Monkey!? Monkey!? Monkey!? Monkey!? Monkey!?
Towel!? Towel!? Towel!? Towel!? Towel!? (Yes, my daughter has developed a security attachment to a towel...more on that later.)
Typically, she's not crying or screaming or throwing a fit in rage or even frustration. Rather, it's typically just reminding me--over, and over, and over again--that she's still waiting on whatever it is for which she's waiting.
I wonder if that's what I sound like to God?
Baby!? Baby!? Baby!? Baby!? Baby!?
I wonder if He tires of hearing me ask for the same thing--over, and over, and over again. I wonder if "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" and "sorry" make any sort of difference to Him.
As an educator, I'm always looking for those "teachable moments", and use these opportunities to talk with Ella about waiting. I wonder if God is trying to do the same thing with me--getting down on my level, looking me in they eye, helping me learn patience.
I can usually respond to and fulfill Ella's requests...but sometimes we're out of milk, sometimes the monkey is in daddy's car, and sometimes the towel needs to be washed. In those moments of unfulfilled desires, there are often tears as she expresses her disappointment in the only way a toddler knows how. And I respond the best I can--assuring her that I love her, sharing her disappointment, and helping her find something to fill the void.
What if God's answer to my incessant request for a baby is "I'm sorry, Laura, there are no more babies left for you. We're all done."? Would I be able to hear His love and compassion for me through my disappointment and tears? Would I let Him assure me that He really loves me? Would I accept His offer to help me carry my burden and disappointment? Would I allow Him to fill this desire with other passions?
I know I'm not alone, and I know that God is big enough and patient enough to tolerate my prayers and so much more. I may get frustrated with Ella's requests, but it's a good thing that God is more patient with me. All I can do is try to be more like Him.
Today's blessing is feeling like I'm more caught up at work today than I was yesterday...or the day before...or the day before. We're in the middle of our busy selection process, but things seem to be falling into place.