Reunited

Ella and I took a trip to Florida to visit my very-dear friend and her boys.  You may remember that her older boy is two weeks younger than Ella, and her new baby had some health concerns while in utero and during the first couple of months of life.  You may also remember that she asked me to be his godmother, which was the most touching request I've had in a long time. 

It was so wonderful to be able to spend time with her. She is one of those few women (Ella's namesake being the other) with whom I feel that we can have a true and deep friendship, regardless of our flaws.  In a weird way, she and I are struggling with opposite problems.  I'm still struggling with getting pregnant again, while my professional life is flourishing; and she's struggling with balancing her professional life now that she has been blessed with two little ones.  I love that we're in completely different places, and yet still get each other.

It was equally wonderful for Ella to spend time with her "best buddy".  When we were pregnant, I stenciled the words "Best Buddies" on onesies as a gift for my very-dear friend's baby shower, and we did our best to get some cute photos of them together.  Two years later, she suggested a "then and now" photo shoot with our toddlers. 

I also got in some quality snuggle time with my godson, who is 3-1/2 months and as sweet as could be.  He is such a sweet baby; and dare I say, he seemed so much easier and more content than Ella at that age.  But maybe that's just because I've had more sleep and (finally) know a little bit more about how to care for an infant.  At the same time, it was also a very good reminder of just how much work a baby can be.  I've said all along that I trust God--but I guess I had one of those little "ah ha moments" when I realized that God indeed knows what He's doing and He knows my limits better than I may think I do.

It was such a blessing to be able to visit and help out my very-dear friend.  I admit that Ella kicked me out of bed each night, and refused to nap on the plane, but it was still a wonderful trip. I'm also equally blessed to find out that she's going to come home for Christmas to get some rest and continue to work on her work-life balance.  So I'm so blessed that I'll be able to see her again soon as well. 

We Have to Wait For Our Turn

We're trying to help Ella learn the concept of taking turns.  It happens daily--whether it be playing a game, turning into traffic, or saying prayers at the dinner table.  She seems to get the concept--and tells me (and even sometimes signs to me still) that we need to "wait". 

It dawned on me this morning that I could still use a toddler-lesson in waiting my turn.  I want to be pregnant again, I want to have another baby, I want to join the growing list of moms who are expecting their second child...and yet, we have to wait for our turn.

My most recently cycle quietly appeared the night before Thanksgiving as we were packing, on Day 31.  I say "quietly" because it was the lightest, strangest cycle I've ever had.  I kept waiting for it to turn into something more substantive, but it never did.  You know me--I hoped it was a "fake" and that I was miraculously pregnant, but a test at my doctor's office during my annual exam confirmed I was not. 

I brought up my concerns with my doctor, but she cheerfully assured me that it's completely normal to go a year without conceiving.  I tried to argue that it had been two years--but she doesn't count the year that I was nursing Ella (which is understandable).  When I was pregnant with Ella, I totally appreciated my doctor's cheerful enthusiasm.  Now that we're trying again...I don't appreciate it nearly as much.

But she's right--I'm having mostly normal cycles, I'm keeping a healthy weight through diet and exercise, and I'm still on the Metformin.  She cheerfully believes that we'll be able to conceive on our own again--but invited me to come back in 5-6 months if it doesn't happen by then.  I know that I could go back to the RE and advocate more strongly with my doctor--but part of me just says "she's right--we have to wait for our turn". 

My blessing from this weekend was that I got into a little accident, but the woman was completely forgiving.  It wasn't even a "fender bender"--it was really just a tiny scrape, and I think that I was more at fault that she.  But she assured me that it was so minor that she didn't want to complicate things.  It could have been so much worse, but God is good. 

"Go Away, Mommy"

I realize that I will probably get plenty more in the years to come, but I got my first "Go away, Mommy!" last night. 

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend away with my family in Northern California, and overall, Ella did really well.  She got a little naughty here and there, which we tried our best to address, but was mostly a pretty well-behaved little girl.  But apparently transitioning back to a regular routine has been a bit harder for her, and she wasn't so cooperative on our drive home yesterday.  After giving her a couple of chances to climb into her carseat herself, I finally had to force her into her chair.  Ooh--she was pissed!!!  I haven't heard her scream that hard in months!  And then she told me to go away. 

Ouch.  

It stings to hear the child that you prayed for, hoped for, yearned for, cared for telling you to go away.  I know that she was upset with me--I totally get it.  But it still hurts.

It hurt to drive home with her screaming and crying in the backseat, so I pulled over and asked if she wanted me to hold her, to which she blubbered and nodded.  We had a little cuddle and a little talk.  I told her it made me sad that she told me to go away.  I told her that I loved her, and that I would always love her.  She calmed down, climbed into her carseat, and we headed home.

Last night, when she went to sleep, I picked her up and cuddled her again, and again told her just how much I love her and how I will always be there for her, even when she tells me to go away.  We're bound to have disagreements in the years to come, but I hope that I can help her to believe that I will always love her, always want her, always cherish her--they way I knew and believed that my parents felt about me.

Despite my hurt feelings, my blessing yesterday was how awesome my husband was in understanding me and standing by me to convey our concern and disappointment to Ella.  He made dinner for us, and met me at the door to have a little talk with her.  There are plenty of times when he frustrates me; but he was a huge blessing last night. 

Ella-isms (Vol. 6)

My most recent posts have been a little gloomy lately, haven't they?  I figured it was time to brighten things up with an update on the latest silly and sassy Ella-isms:

The Family That Prays Together
Ella has been more than willing to hold our hands to say prayers at dinnertime for the last year or so.  Our prayers are "unscripted", in the sense that we just thank God for the food and tell Him whatever else is on our minds.  We've never "expected" Ella to bow her head--nor do I think that we've ever even encouraged her to do so--but she picked up on our cues, and has started to bow her head all the way to the table during our prayers.  And lately, she has insisted on saying the prayers herself, which consists mainly of "Dear Jesus...thank you...food....AMEN!".

"I Do It!"
Let's just say that she is becoming more and more and more independent by the day.  I try to wipe her bottom and get "I do it!".  I try to pour her a glass of milk and get "I do it!".  I try to pick up a toy that she dropped and get "I do it!".  I try to wipe her nose and get "I do it!".  I try to put on her clothes because we need to leave the house and get in the car and drive to work and get "I do it! I do it! I do it!".  I'm trying to appreciate her independence...but I admit that it did seem to make me late to work nearly every day this week. 


"I No Like Lettuce"
Ella will eat nearly anything that we present to her, but for some reason, she doesn't like lettuce!  I swear I ate my healthy share of salads when I was pregnant with her!  In fact, I requested that we go out to dinner at a salad bar place the night that I was induced!  But apparently it wasn't enough--because any time a meal has lettuce in it, she is quick to remind us that she doesn't like the stuff.  And on the occasion when she does ask for a bit of our taco or hamburger and ends up with a piece of lettuce in her mouth, she quickly spits it out, hands it to me, and insists "Mommy eat this".


Taco Tuesday
Speaking of tacos, have I ever shared that my husband insists on eating tacos every Tuesday?  It's silly, but I'll admit that I like them too.  As for Ella--she would be more than happy if every day of the week were Taco Tuesday.  She does, however, like that the garbage truck comes on Wednesday, but she would be okay with having Taco Tuesday every other day of the week.

Ice, Ice, Baby
Any time that Ella gets a little bump, she wails for ice.   Not kisses, not cuddles, not band-aids, just ice.  Even the smallest, lightest bumps result in a plea for ice.  Her pain and misery are quickly relieved, but I end up with little puddles everywhere.  She also insists on ice in her water--though neither my husband or I ever really put ice in our waters at home.  We live in the desert--so I get that she wants her water cold during the summer, but we'll see if she keeps up the trend now that it's starting to get cooler (as in, mid-80's today). 

Food Friends
A colleague recently asked if I ever look at clouds with Ella and try to find shapes.  We haven't yet; but last night she found an owl in her open-faced grilled cheese-bread.  She then proceeded to eat a little more, and then show us that her owl was flying.  This morning, she told me that he hard-boiled egg was a piggy.  I admit--I don't see the little animals in her food as she does, but I love that she is developing such an amazing imagination!

"Jesus Helps Me"
I don't know quite how or when it started, but I think it was when we were going through a rough spot with putting her down at night.  For a while, she fought her bedtime, so I tried to convince her that Jesus could help her stay safe.  Since then, whenever she's having a meltdown, if I ask her what would help her to feel better, she always answers "Jesus".  And so, we'll say a little prayer and/or sing "Jesus Loves Me", and we're good to go again.  It's quite amazing!  And it's such a tender reminder that He can indeed help me to have patience with her in those frustrating moments as well.  I just need to remember how to encourage this reliance on Him without "abusing" it.

She amazes me with something new every day, but I'll leave you with those little tid-bits for now. 

Today's blessing is a reminder of the understanding and encouragement that I get from this blog community.  I know I've been a little frustrated and gloomy recently, but I really appreciate those of you who get it and have been here and continue to root and hope for us.  Please know that your words mean so much to me. 

Not Meant To Be

Well, either the OPKs were wrong...or perhaps I've developed a Luteal Phase Defect.  Either way, my cycle started with spotting on Sunday, only a week or so after the tests tell me that I ovulated (though other signs would lead me to believe that I ovulated sooner...thus further confirming that I really have no idea what's going on in my body).  So, 34 days...not nearly as text-book as it was last month with my perfect 28 day cycle, but hey, it's relatively regular for me, so I guess it's acceptable.  I feel like I'm constantly trying to convince myself that anything within 35 days is "normal". 

I'm starting to feel like maybe this just isn't meant to be--at least not now; perhaps not ever.  I'm really trying hard to not play the "woe is me" role.  That statement isn't coming from a place of pity, but rather, of a place of acceptance.  Since getting my hormone imbalance relatively under control with diet and exercise, this is the longest I've gone without getting pregnant.  Yes, we tried a full year before our first loss, but that's when my cycles were crazy.  Since then, my three subsequent pregnancies (and one live birth) were never "easy", by any means, but they all happened within a couple of months of trying.  We're now going on ten months of actively trying--on top of a year of hoping that I would somehow mysteriously and beautifully end up pregnant while nursing.

I'm not going to lie--I'm kind of tired of trying so hard.  I'm tired of eating all the right things and doing all those crunches and feeling like I always have to be so darned careful.  I'm tired of trying to guess at interpreting symptoms.  I'm tired of thinking about it.  I'm tired of wondering.

My mom says that I have an "all or nothing" approach to life.  I don't think I know any different, especially in the world of in/fertility.  I've asked my husband to pray about what he thinks God wants us to do.  When I tried to convey to him, through frustrated tears, what I was feeling when my cycle started, his immediate response was that we could just take a break.  That's not necessarily what I wanted to hear.  But continuing to try wasn't quite the response I was looking for either.  For once, I didn't want his immediate opinion.  I want God's direction, and I think I'm a little too wrapped up in it to hear Him clearly.  So perhaps my husband can do some listening for me.

Then again, I have days like I did yesterday when Ella and I had a hard time getting out the door on time, and I was left wondering how I would even manage to survive if I was indeed blessed enough to have another child.  I know I'd find a way to make it work, but maybe that was God whispering, ever so gently, that it's not meant to be...at least not now.

I'm blessed this weekend to go to the football game with Ella.  Since we live in the desert, so many of the games are evening games, and it's past her bedtime.  My parents did bring her to a late game the night before her birthday, but they left at halftime.  She's been talking about the football game ever since then, so I'm really looking forward to a "mommy-daughter date" with her tomorrow while my husband is out of town. 

How Did I Get So Lucky?

I'm getting dangerously close to that point in our journey of trying to add to our family when I go from "patiently waiting" to "desperately frustrated".  I'm not quite there yet, and I keep trying to push those feelings away.  But it's leaving me wondering "how did I get so lucky with Ella?". 

I know "luck" really has nothing to do with it.  I am reminded daily that she is such an amazing gift from God.  And yet I still catch myself trying to think back to December 2009 to see if I can figure out what went right that month that allowed me to a) ovulate with a good egg, b) conceive, and c) carry to term, thus resulting in this awesome two year old that I have today. Was it something I ate?  I know that I started the cycle with pizza as we helped our very-dear friends move in to their new place.  I remember trying to eat healthy while we were celebrating Christmas with my in-laws in Montana...but I ended up snacking on some pretzel and jello casserole (sounds crazy but that salty and sweet combination was awesome).  Was it my workout routine?  I'm still doing the prescribed 200 crunches (well, at least on most days), but I replaced the yoga with running.  I'm waking up at 5:00 am as it is...I don't know if I can make it any earlier.  Besides, I have to remind myself that I conceived Ella right after winter break, when I wasn't working out nearly as often.  I know it's crazy, but I find that I'm even trying to remember what shampoo and toothpaste I was using at the time--as if that could somehow recreate whatever chemical balance I need. 

Remember that 28 day cycle last month with which I was so pleased?  It seems it was a fluke.  I was hopeful that I was finally on the right track, and I did all the right things, but it didn't happen again this month.  In fact, I opted to try OPKs...but with a history of PCOS, I don't know if that was such a good idea.  According to the tests, I may (or may not) have ovulated last weekend around Day 24...when my husband was at Army Reserve Drill.  Drat.

I keep reminding myself that Ella is awesome.  Being a mom to her is amazing (and yes, challenging at times too).  I'm trying not to lose sight of what I have in her.  I'm trying to swing back to the "patiently waiting" side of the pendulum.  But gosh it's hard when I don't get what I want. 

This morning's blessing was being able to comfort Ella when she woke up crying.  When I ask her if she had a nightmare, she told me "Mommy left Ella".  I don't like her to be sad, but yet it was also so sweet that she was concerned that I would leave her!  It's nice to be needed. 

Camping

We brought Ella camping for the first time over Labor Day weekend.  Yes, I realize that Labor Day was over a month ago, but it's been a busy month and I finally have a quiet Saturday morning to capture the moment.

We opted to just go for one night, so that my husband could make it back in time to go to the football game.  We left after work on Friday, and my husband drove fast enough to get us up the mountain before the sun set...but we did discover that Ella can get a little carsick on windy and bumpy roads.

Here are some of my favorite memories:

Waking up and starting breakfast.

Going exploring while Daddy slept in.

Discovering a field of wildflowers on our little exploration.

More flowers.

She LOVES the little camp chair we got for her.

The highlight of the trip, at least for me, was staying back at the camp to do my quiet time while my husband brought Ella for a little walk.  They came back a little later with her on his shoulders, carrying a bouquet of wildflowers that they had picked for me.  That definitely constitutes as the most beautiful, fragrant, thoughtful flowers I have ever received!

Flowers for Mommy.

My husband and I love to camp (he initially tried to propose on a camping trip...but his plans were foiled because it snowed on us and cut our trip short), and I'm so glad that Ella enjoyed her first trip so much.  We're looking forward to more camping trips in the future.

Yesterday's blessing was the chance to go out to dinner with Ella and my husband yesterday.  He just got back from an out of town work trip, and then left for Army Reserve Drill this morning, so it was nice to have some quality family time together with both of them last night.