I don't know how I feel about this, but thought that if anyone could understand, it would be the other women of this community.
I will never--can't ever--forgot that I lost three babies before God blessed me with Ella. I believe that they are with our Lord in a beautiful place, and they will always be a part of who I am today. I remember the joy and excitement that I felt each time I learned that I was pregnant, and I remember the pain and confusion each time I learned that I would not hold them in my arms during my time on earth. I remember details of each loss--waking up alone after the D&C...crying on the couch...digging under the tree in the middle of the night.
But I admit that I'm also forgetting pieces. The day that would have--could have--been a two-year old birthday party passed earlier this month without me giving any notice to the date. I know I learned of our third loss in the week after graduation two years ago, but for the life of me, I can no longer remember which day it was. These painful anniversaries that I thought would be permanently tattooed on my heart are fading.
And I don't know how I should feel about it. I don't know if I should rejoice that God has brought me through such a dark and lonely point in my life and into the land of the living; or if I should repent for forgetting these significant experiences. Am I a "bad mother" for letting the memories of the babies I lost fade? Or is it "healthy" to move on? I don't know if there is necessarily a "right" or "wrong" answer, but I'd be interested in hearing how others think.
Today's blessing is beautiful weather! It's usually well into the 100s by this time of the year, but we've had temperatures in the 70s-80s all week! It's given me the chance to do a little yardwork and enjoy the outdoors with Ella.
I think that it is healthy. But it is always difficult to realize that if another baby had lived, our current babies might now be here.
ReplyDeleteI feel like you do, that your babies and my baby are waiting for us in heaven. Have you read the book "Heaven is for Real"? It's a short book that I just finished. I think you might enjoy it. It is the supposed true story of a boy who briefly died during surgery and went to heaven. If his story is to be believed, our miscarried babies are in heaven and know exactly who we are and will recognize family members as they arrive. They're just waiting for their parents to arrive so they can be named!
I believe regardless of whether that particular story is true, that idea is true. And like you said, you will never forget them. Just as with any loved one you lose, it becomes easier over time. And I'm so glad you have Ella here with you. :)
I think it's healthy and normal. You are not forgetting! You are living life to the fullest with Ella.
ReplyDeleteI spend the sad days mostly mourning for myself. I remember who I used to be and how innocent I was. It seems like a little part of me will always be the mom who is missing her babies.
I won't forget the babies that aren't here. I have little reminders everywhere. Like Jill said, you never forget, you just learn to live with that part of you missing.
Although I have never experienced the heartache of miscarrying, I still have three babies in heaven who were conceived but did not attach. In a perfect world my son would have a twin brother/sister, and I would be expecting twins again this November. Come fall, I imagine I will feel some sadness, or maybe I won't.
ReplyDeleteOur pastor gave an excellent message on Joseph called The Dream Principle this Sunday that went something like this: God gives us dreams (family, life, career, aspirations), the dream dies in our attempts to make them come to fruition on our own, but finally the dream comes to full fruition when we mature and surrender to God's plan us to achieve our dreams. As our pastor put it: God is more interested in what He is doing IN US than what He can do for us. I couldn't help but think of our ongoing fertility struggle after listening to this message. I know exactly when my dream "died" and when I relinquished it all to Him, knowing our dreams of a family would only come true in His time. And it did. But for us its still ongoing - and I have to remind myself to surrender again and again.
When I hear your emotions here I am reminded: He has given us beauty for ashes. I think when we continually surrender to His plan He is able to soothe away the heartaches of shattered dreams. You will always remember the babies you never got to meet, even if you don't always remember the dates. And I don't think there should be any shame in forgetting; rather, I think it should be a reminder of the healing God has brought to your heart.
Thank you for sharing, friend!
This has been on my mind recently, too. I passed the two year anniversary of my second loss last week and didn't even realize! (Of course, that goes along with having two month old twins, never leaving the house and not knowing what day of the week it is, much less the date.)
ReplyDeleteI think that our babies in heaven are happy and fulfilled and don't need us to remember them on specific days. They are probably rejoicing that you are not mourning as much for them any more, since they are happier where they are than they would have been here on earth. You aren't forgetting them, you are just letting go of the sadness you associated with them...
I found myself trying to remember one of my babies due dates the other day and for the life of me I couldn't remember the day....eventually I remembered it, but it is crazy how we forget days that we swore we never could. I think that is the Lord helping us to move on, and relishing in the current blessings we have in our children here on earth. I had a little guilt over it.....but we will never forget those babies. We may forget the sorrow associated with it just a little, but we know they are waiting for us in Heaven.
ReplyDeleteAnd really, we tend to "forget" all the bad parts of pregnancies and childbirth anyway. I think its natural. But I understand its kind of bittersweet.