I don't know how I feel about this, but thought that if anyone could understand, it would be the other women of this community.
I will never--can't ever--forgot that I lost three babies before God blessed me with Ella. I believe that they are with our Lord in a beautiful place, and they will always be a part of who I am today. I remember the joy and excitement that I felt each time I learned that I was pregnant, and I remember the pain and confusion each time I learned that I would not hold them in my arms during my time on earth. I remember details of each loss--waking up alone after the D&C...crying on the couch...digging under the tree in the middle of the night.
But I admit that I'm also forgetting pieces. The day that would have--could have--been a two-year old birthday party passed earlier this month without me giving any notice to the date. I know I learned of our third loss in the week after graduation two years ago, but for the life of me, I can no longer remember which day it was. These painful anniversaries that I thought would be permanently tattooed on my heart are fading.
And I don't know how I should feel about it. I don't know if I should rejoice that God has brought me through such a dark and lonely point in my life and into the land of the living; or if I should repent for forgetting these significant experiences. Am I a "bad mother" for letting the memories of the babies I lost fade? Or is it "healthy" to move on? I don't know if there is necessarily a "right" or "wrong" answer, but I'd be interested in hearing how others think.
Today's blessing is beautiful weather! It's usually well into the 100s by this time of the year, but we've had temperatures in the 70s-80s all week! It's given me the chance to do a little yardwork and enjoy the outdoors with Ella.