Saturday, May 28, 2011


Thank you for your reflections and encouragement in regards to my last post about forgetting the anniversaries of significant dates related to my losses.  I really appreciate the reassurance that it's natural and okay to move my attention to Ella, while also letting go of some of the sad memories--all while remembering that I am who I am now, and that I have Ella now, because of my experiences with loss.

So from the topic of forgetting to the new topic of memories--happy memories.  I work in Education, and I've mentioned before that my world revolves around a cyclical academic calendar.  There are always new students with new concerns and accomplishments, but I typically know what to expect.  But as we head into our month of New Student Orientations, I wasn't expecting to be flooded with all of these amazing memories of being pregnant with Ella this time last year.  By this point, we know we were having a girl.  By this point, I was wearing a belly-band.  By this point, I had a big enough bump that parents were asking me how I was tolerating the heat. 

As I tried to balance my laptop and a clipboard while swinging the desktop into position to meet with my first student yesterday, I thought back to how much more challenging it was last year by the end of the summer, and how special it was to get the little kicks from Ella during those advising sessions.  As I walked back to the office in the nearly 100-degree sun, I remembered how I swore to myself that I wouldn't complain about the heat the year before because I was just so relieved and humbled to be carrying a growing baby.  As I pulled the pump out from under my desk, I smiled at how I had a box of books under my desk at this time last year so that I could prop my swollen and tired feet up.  And then I looked at my computer screen and saw the face of the most precious two-month old looking over my shoulder, and I wondered what happened to that little girl...who is now babbling and nearly crawling.

I realize just how incredibly blessed I am to hold Ella in my arms.  I know that there are other women out there who are still waiting for their turn, and I pray that God bless them the way that He has blessed me.


  1. Laura, Ella is a doll!!! I was just reading your last post about forgetting. I think about that a lot! I know in March, when I was HUGE pregnant, I forgot the anniversary of our first loss (the one that was the most devastating for me) and I felt so guilty! I understand exactly your sentiments. But I also think God has designed our bodies this way to deal with trauma in certain circumstances. Anyway, just wanted to say "hello" because I haven't done so in a while!

  2. Lovely. I read your last post and it's instructive for me (for lack of a better word!). I think you always carry those blows somewhere in your heart, but I'm so glad that Ella has entered it, and let the sunlight in.


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