Horrible Mom

I feel like a horrible mom right now.

Perhaps I'm being too hard on myself, but I still feel bad for not paying more attention to Ella's symptoms.

Yesterday, I got a call from daycare mid-morning saying that she had a temperature of 100.7.  I finished up with the student I was seeing, and headed over to get her within a half an hour.  When I got there, she felt a little warm, but seemed perfectly fine.  But I brought her back to work with me (praise God that my supervisor is so supportive!).  She wasn't too interested in eating at lunchtime, but I figured it was because I was offering her cold pasta (which I wouldn't want to eat either).  She played nicely by herself, came to me for hugs from time to time, then settled in for a nap.  Sounds normal, right?  My husband left work early to pick her up so I could stay late to get caught up on work, but she was playing happily with him when I made it home.  At dinner, she again wasn't very interested in food, which is weird, because she usually loves to eat.  After her bath, she nursed just fine and went to sleep without any problems, so I figured that the fussiness and fever from earlier in the day must be related to teething (her upper gums so super swollen, and I keep waiting for all four top teeth to poke on through any day now).

This morning, her temperature was 98.7, and she seemed just fine, so in to daycare we went.  When I went to nurse her at lunch, they said that she had been really clingy all day, and wanted to be held all the time.  I gave her some Baby Tylenol and an extra kiss, and headed back to work.  She made it through the afternoon...but then threw up all over the car before I even got on the freeway. 

Poor thing.  She was coughing and gagging and vomiting and shaking, and I couldn't pull over fast enough to comfort her.  I ended up parking all crazy in an auto-body parking lot in a not-so-nice part of town as the crew was leaving for the day.  I must have been quite the sight, but I didn't care--I had to take care of my sick baby.  The manager was very kind and checked to see if I needed any rags or water, but my husband is a genius and had a roll of paper towels in the car (and I'm so glad that I was driving his car with the easier-to-clean leather seats instead of my car with fabric interior).  I drove the rest of the way home with my arm draped backwards over the carseat, stroking her cheek, until both she and my arm fell asleep.

After a quick bath, she threw up again, but all she had left in her poor little belly was just clear bile.  She nursed, and then started to perk up a bit.  In fact, we witnessed her standing up by herself--unassisted--for a good five seconds when she let go of the ottoman to take a drink of water from her sippy cup!  She seemed a little more interested in food at dinner, though not quite back to her regular appetite.  She's now sleeping peacefully...but I did turn the monitor on tonight, just in case (our house is small enough that we typically don't need it...but I helps me listen for those little "sick noises" that I'm not accustomed to hearing).

I know I'm not a horrible mom...but I feel that way.  I probably should have just brought her home straight from daycare yesterday morning and stayed home with her all day today to ensure that she really was healthy.  I didn't think it was bad enough to bring her in to the doctors--and really, she really wasn't exhibiting many symptoms yesterday...or at least I didn't think so at the time.  Looking back, maybe I should have been more concerned. 

But now I know.  Now I'm being careful.  I already sent my supervisor a text message saying that I would head in early--with Ella--to get things started for tomorrow's Orientation, but I would then bring the rest of my work home with me so that I could properly care for Ella...as I probably should have been doing all along.

Today's blessing is that my supervisor and colleagues are so understanding and accommodating when Ella is sick (or when I get sick from Ella).  My supervisor and my big-boss-lady both have two daughters each, so I know that they've been here as well, and it really means so much to me that they are so supportive and understanding. 


Update on my very-dear friend...she lost the baby.  She sent me a text on Tuesday saying that she had started bleeding.  My heart goes out to her, but yet, I'm "relieved" that things happened naturally so she didn't have to face the horrors of a D&C or Cytotec.  She is a beautiful and amazingly strong woman of faith, and I know that God will bring her through this.  Loss changes all of us, and I pray that she is able to rebound, in time, from this experience.  I didn't want her to join this club to which we all belong, and I pray that the words I shared with her via email can bring comfort and not more pain.  Please pray for her as she continued to heal, both physically and emotionally.