Today was the first day of classes. Kind of a big deal in my line of work. Which is why it was rather unfortunate that Ella's daycare called me not even ten minutes after I walked into my office to tell me that Ella had thrown up three times in the twenty minutes since I had dropped her off.
I don't know what happened--she was totally fine when I had left her! Okay--maybe not "totally fine"--she had a bit of a cold over the weekend, but she definitely wasn't acting "sick". But she did not look good when I picked her up. She was zoning out, and her coloring just wasn't right. I called my supervisor as we got back in the car to tell her that I was bringing Ella in to the doctor. I can't blame her for sounding less than thrilled that her "#2" wouldn't be there for the amount of traffic that we were expecting to see, but she has two girls of her own, so she gets it. I then called Ella's pediatrician office as I headed that direction and got the "thank you for holding--we'll get to you as soon as we can" automated response. I was still hearing that repeating message as I pulled into the parking lot, at which time I just hung up and headed into the office. Praise God--someone called to cancel their 9:00 am appointment, so they were able to see us. Ella threw up a couple more times while we were there, and it seemed like it was mostly mucus--perhaps from her cold. They think it's just a lingering virus. She seemed to perk up a bit when the doctors and nurses came in, but she didn't want to nurse, and didn't want her bottle, and didn't want the Pedialyte they offered her. That's when I started to get a little nervous.
She threw up again in the car, and then fell asleep. I dropped by my office to confer with my supervisor, and decided it would be best for me to just bring her home, despite the unfortunate timing. She slept in her carseat for another hour or so, which gave me time to get some work done. When she finally woke up, she practically jumped out of my arms when I offered her the Pedialyte for a second time. She downed it, and nursed, and took some water as well. She's been happy ever since (except for when I attacked her boogers with the nasal aspirator), but my husband will stay home with her tomorrow just to be sure that she is feeling better.
I oscillate between thinking "she's tough--she'll be fine" and "crap--I'm a bad mom". I know I'm not a bad mom--I know that bringing her home with me was the right thing to do. But it's just so hard to see my baby looking so sad and sick. I can't help but wonder if there is more that I could have been doing to prevent it in the first place.
Today's blessing was the appointment cancellation so that the pediatrician could see Ella when I just showed up without calling (or at least without speaking with someone over the phone). We live 30 minutes away, so it would have been hard to go home, then come back, just to turn around and go home again, so I'm so glad that they were able to see us. And it's a blessing to see Ella smiling and laughing and being happy again after seeing her so sad earlier today.