Happy Holidays!

Merry (belated) Christmas and Happy (early) New Year!

Things have been pretty much non-stop in our lives lately.  I spent the whole week before Christmas telling students that they were on probation, disqualified from the University, or revoked from our college.  What a way to get into the holiday spirit, huh?  We then flew out to Montana on the morning of Christmas Eve, and Ella was quite the trooper.  My husband told his family that she got "fussy" on the first flight--I'd argue that she was a typical 15-month old who was simply "fidgety".  We then had a three hour drive to his hometown, and went straight to the Christmas Eve service where Ella let everyone know just how "joyful" she was to be off the plane and out of a carseat. 

We had a very pleasant Christmas with my husband's family, and Ella was sufficiently spoiled.  We were even able to hold some of her gifts until the day after Christmas.  She has absolutely loved playing with her cousins here in town, and there are absolutely wonderful with her.  I have to admit that it's kind of nice to have someone else looking after her and keeping her occupied; though it has made it a challenge when it's time for her to go to bed but she'd rather stay up and play with them. 

The weather has been so much nicer than we were expecting (or that what we experienced two years ago).  We've been able to play outside quite a bit, and Ella has enjoyed petting the horses and skating on the river (or rather, sliding on the frozen river in borrowed snow boots while her cousins try out their new ice skates).

We're here for a few more days, including New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, when we'll be able to visit with some of my husband's friends from town.  He's the extrovert in our relationship, so I know that he's looking forward to visiting with his friends.

I hope that you all had a very Merry Christmas, and I wish you all a very Happy New Year!

My blessing for the last couple of days has been my niece and nephew.  They really are some of the sweetest kids I know, and it's apparent that they love Ella, and she adores them.  I wish we lived closer to them so that Ella could get to know them better, but I hope that they have a special relationship for years to come.

This Isn't Something I Should Be Sad About

For his birthday, I got my very-dear's son the baby sign language DVDs that Ella enjoys, so when she sent me a video message on my phone of him doing the sign for "baby", I thought nothing of it, and responded by text that "baby" was one of Ella's favorite signs as well.

She called back and told me the rest of the story:  she's pregnant again.

This isn't something I should be sad about, but I am.  I'm very happy for her, and I pray for her and this life that God is creating in her.  I recognize that every life is a miracle.  So why am I sad? 

I've been thinking and praying about it for the last couple of days, and I think it comes down to two things; both which feel really selfish.  First, she and I were pregnant together the first time, so in a weird sort of way, I wanted to be pregnant with her again.  Second, I still haven't started a cycle.  She's now gotten pregnant twice (she experienced an early loss over the summer), and I feel like I'm still waiting to get in the game. 

Experience has taught me that no matter how much I try to tell God to hurry up, He's got his own plan.  I'm trying to align my desires to follow His plan for my life.  I'm trying to live in the moment and not get ahead of myself.  I'm trying to be genuinely at peace.  But I'm not always the person I try to be.

When she told me, I was snacking on chocolate chips (not even chocolate chip cookies...just the chocolate chips).  I've let breastfeeding become my excuse for eating like crap, but if I want my hormones to get back in sync, something has got to change.  I'm firmly convinced that I was able to carry Ella to term because my hormones were acting the way I should...which was related to my insulin levels being normal...which was definitely helped by the Metformin, but I was also being really good about what I put in my body.  I've let go of that discipline, and sure--it was fun (and tasty!) but I think that something has to change if want to be healthy--and hopefully fertile--again.

I realize that I could stop breastfeeding at any time, and that would hopefully kickstart my cycle.  But I want to wait until after the holidays (and more importantly, the plane flights that mark the beginning and the end of the holidays).  If Ella gets fussy on a trips to and from Montana, I want to be able to whip out her one and only, tried and true "pacifier" (an no, I don't mean a "binky").

So here I am, heading into the holidays with a sweets-baking-mother-in-law and a resolution to cut out the sugar.  Great timing, huh?  But I've done it before, and I can do it again.  Like I said, one of Ella's favorite signs (and now spoken word as well) is "baby".  I'm willing to sacrifice the cookies, fudge, and candy canes if it means that we might be able to give her a baby brother or sister in the future.

She's worth it...

...wish me luck.

 Today's blessing is that my husband is coming home tonight from a class he's been taking out in LA.  I'm very excited to have him come home.  Then it's one more week of work, and then vacation with him and Ella and his family.

Conversations with Ella

Ella's spoken vocabulary is still holding strong with "Ella" and all her b-words (ball, baby, Boppy, etc.).  But with her signing, she and I were able to carry on quite the conversation yesterday during dinner.

Ella:  (signs "friend")

Me:  "You're right Ella, our friend Madelyn came over today."

Ella:  (points at the door)

Me:  "Yes, Madelyn had to go home."

Ella:  (signs for "car")

Me:  "That's right.  Her mom drove her home in her car."

Ella:  (signs for "music")

Me:  "I know.  We often listen to music in the car."

Ella:  (signs for "cookie")

Me:  "Okay, you can have a cookie when you finish your dinner."

We've been signing for months now, and I love that she can point things out to me.  But this really felt like an ongoing give-and-take kind of conversation.  It really makes me look forward to future conversations at the dinner table with her.

Yesterday's blessing was the chance to spend the day baking with my friend and her little girl, Madelyn, who is just three days older than Ella.  The girls go to the same daycare, and truly enjoy playing with each other.  It's great to see them entertaining themselves.

Narcissistic?

Am I raising a narcissistic child if Ella's first word was "Ella"?

I have to admit--it's pretty cute.  She'll see herself in the mirror and proclaim "Ella!".  We'll drive into town and she'll yell "Ella Ella Ella" from her (still rear-facing) carseat.  She apparently even has the kids at daycare repeating "Ella" after her.  And I thought that the "l" sounds were supposed to be hard (at least that's what my parents told me when I got mad at my brothers for calling me "war-ra").

Aside from her name, Ella also has a fondness for "b" words:  book, ball, baby, and Boppy (our nickname for grandpa).  Lately, she's also added some "p" sound:  "papa" for papaya, and "appa" for applesauce.  She also "moo'ed" for me this morning when I told her that's what the cow says (and lucky for her, we'll see lots of cows in Montana for Christmas).  It's amazing to see her vocabulary grow.  She's continuing to sign, but the vocal words are emerging slowly but surely.

Today's blessing was that we made it home safely from getting my car serviced with a nearly empty battery.  My husband wanted to save $50 by replacing the battery himself (I don't blame him), but it was so drained that nothing on the dashboard was working--not even the speedometer.  But we made it home safely, and he has since replaced the battery.

Vaguely Familiar

I mentioned in my last post that I would share more about our weaning plans.  On Thanksgiving, my husband woke up with Ella and offered her a sippy cup of milk in place of her normal routine of nursing for the first time.  She seems to be transitioning pretty well, though she did do the sign for milk when I joined them at the table the first day, and tried to pull up my shirt on the second day.  I had to eat breakfast with her on my lap this morning to keep her happy enough, but I think she'll adjust.

I, on the other hand, am finding it a bit odd to adjust--both emotionally and physically.  I need to readjust my schedule to fit in an early morning workout and figure out when to eat breakfast, do my bible study, and get her fed, but I'll get there.  I miss the snuggle time with her, but I still get to look forward to our evening feedings (at least for the time being).  But physically speaking...I'm perplexed.  On Saturday (so Day 3 of just one feeding), I noticed that my breasts were tender.  It didn't quite feel like engorgement; if anything, it was reminiscent to how they felt when I was pregnant with Ella.  They still hurt on Sunday, so I took a test this morning.

It was negative.  I was actually surprised.  I wasn't expecting anything last week at the doctor's appointment, but this sensation is vaguely familiar--no, make that exactly like--what I experienced when I was pregnant with Ella.  I even had a dream last night about a positive test (granted, I had to read the results with a magnifying glass in the dream, so maybe that should be some sort of indication...that dream was then followed by another dream of stealing a sports car from a hotel...don't know what that one was about).

They still hurt today.  I'm wondering if this is some sort of indication of perhaps a new cycle, or maybe even ovulation.  I can only hope that something is happening.  After my previous experiences with anovulation and long cycles and PCOS, I admit that I'm a little anxious to get back to "normal" again.  All I can do is wait and see.

Today's blessing is that Ella is now holding our hands when we say grace at meals.  She knows that we hold hands and pray before our meals, and it's just so sweet that she will hold our hands while we pray.  I really pray that God give me wisdom as I lead her to Him.

"Wait! Wait! Come Back!"

It's a good thing that I've had three--make that four--years of dealing with the ambiguity and roller coasters that come along with trying to build a family.  If not, I don't know how I would have reacted to the nurse when she yelled "Wait! Wait! Come back!" down the hallway after she initially told me that the test was negative.

Let me rewind.

On Monday, I had my annual appointment with my OB/GYN, though I actually ended up seeing one of the other doctors and a resident in the clinic instead.  The nurse initially thought I must have gotten my years wrong when I told her that my last cycle was December 2009, but the doctor assured me that it's perfectly normal to not get a cycle until even up to six months after I stop breastfeeding (more on that later).  But they felt that they wouldn't be doing their job if they didn't at least give me a pregnancy test before I left.

So I downed my water bottle, and filled up a cup for the nurse.  I waited as she added the necessary drops, and we both watched in anticipation as the liquid started moving up the test strip...past the "T" (test")...then up to the "C" (control).  The line popped out when it reached the C, so we both figured it was negative.

I really wasn't expecting anything different.  I would have been beyond thrilled if the second line had appeared at the T, but I know that would be almost too easy, having not even had a real cycle yet.  So that's what I said--"that would have been too easy"--and then turned to walk away.

But before I made it to the door, the nurse called after me and asked if I saw a faint line.  What?!  My first thought:  Really God?!  Again?!  What's with the mixed results?!  The nurse was still holding the test, so I never really got a good look at it.  The doctor, hearing the commotion, turned to look from the other side.  A few more anxious moments of them looking and me wondering, and in that time, whatever the nurse had seen slowly vanished. 

So like I said--it's a good thing that I've found a peaceful way of handling the "am I?" ambiguity and the "what if?" roller coasters.  Am I disappointed that I'm not pregnant?  Well, yeah, it would definitely be amazing.  Am I surprised?  Well, no, given that I still haven't had a cycle yet.  Am I hopeful for what the future holds?  Yes.  Undoubtedly yes.

Today's blessing was the chance to nurse Ella this morning.  I think that today might be her last morning feeding (assuming all goes well).  I'm actually really sad about it, and I'm really going to miss the snuggle time with her as she wakes up.  But I also feel like it's the right time to wean her back a little bit more.  This will leave us with just the nighttime feeding, which we'll continue through the holidays and into the start of the new year.  But I cherish the times that I had with her in the mornings, and will always remember the joy she brought me (and continues to bring me...just no longer at the breast) with the start of each day.

"Every Little Girl Needs a Dollie"

Ella loves babies.  LOVES them.  There is a new baby at church, and Ella got to meet her when she was just a week or two old, and she does the sign for baby every time she sees her.  Lately, she has also fallen in love with the baby dolls at her daycare.  Whenever I pick her up in the afternoon, she is always walking around with a baby doll in one hand and a blanket for her baby in the other.  It's gotten to the point that she's more interested in playing with the baby dolls at daycare than in going home with me.

I had to work late yesterday, so my husband came into town to pick her up.  I had mentioned to him that she was in love with the baby dolls at daycare, but he finally got to witness just how much Ella enjoys playing with them. Apparently her devotion won him over, because he promptly brought her to the nearest Target on the way home and let her pick out her very own baby doll to bring home.

She loves her doll, and it makes me excited to think about the possibility of seeing her with a sibling. I think that she will be a great big sister--if that is God's plan for our lives. But I'm also so impressed with my husband for buying the doll for Ella, on his own accord. He's been okay with whatever purchases I want to make for her, but this was the first time that he has taken the initiative to buy something for her--not to mention that it's something on the "girlie" side. It's so sweet to watch their daddy-daughter relationship develop.

My blessing from Friday was meeting the guys who helped me get my wallet when it fell off my car a couple weeks ago. They had a recognizable car with personalized plates, and it happed to be parked near where I work! So I boldly left a note, asking to repay them in some way. He came intoy office on Friday, an happens to be a student in my college. He agreed to let me make him a cheesecake.