A Confession

I've got to get this out there right away.  And I hope that no one reads this and considers me ungrateful--because that's not why I share this.  But this is where I share my honest, gut reactions to this journey we've been on.

That all being said, I'm scared of having a little girl.

There--I said it.  Please, please, please don't think that I'm being ungrateful for this precious gift and a healthy baby girl!  But it does scare me--not a lot...but enough to mention it here.

For starters, there's that saying (and I apologize in advance if this offends anyone):  "With a boy, you only have to worry about one dick...and with a girl, you have to worry about every other dick in the world".  But that's a long time from now...and I trust that my husband and I can take the necessary time and energy to properly educate her on how to respect her body and make wise decisions when that time comes.

Second, girls can be mean!  I know, because I was one!  And I've had my share of being the mean girl, and being the victim of the mean girl(s).  Boys fight--physically--and then get over it.  But girls can say and do things that leave emotional scars that last longer than any bruises that physical fights can cause.

Getting more serious--I worry about fighting with my daughter when she's a teenager.  Okay, so I realize that this is fairly normal, but my mom and I had some really tense moments.  I always loved her, and I always knew that she loved me...but it didn't stop me from choosing a college 800 miles away so that I could get away from her (that, and San Diego was pretty enticing).  I learned so much from my mom in the process, and she was a fabulous mom most of the time.  But the fights were pretty bad at times.  Things just seem different between mothers and sons.  I realize that there are plenty of mother/daughters with perfectly healthy relationships, so I can only pray that God grant me with the patience and wisdom that I'll need to be a good mom.

And then there are the concerns about her own in/fertility.  I realize that in/fertility is not necessarily hereditary...but at 19 weeks, she has already developed 6 million eggs!  All of her reproductive dreams are already present, and we're not even halfway through this pregnancy!  What if she runs into the "bad run of eggs" that we experienced?  It was hard enough to lose my own baby, but how would I ever survive watching my (grown-up) baby lose her own baby?  I realize that this is years and years from now, and I'm worrying about something that may never happen.  But I have to be honest and share that the thought scares me.

All of that being said...I'm thrilled beyond belief that our baby girl is healthy!  Before this journey, I always knew that I wanted to have children, and I don't believe that I had ever given much preference to the gender.  It was just at the appointment three weeks ago when my doctor gave us her 70% guess that I started realizing these fears.  But I know that God loves me, and will help me through these fears--just as He has helped me through all of the other fears along this journey.  And let's be honest--the baby girl clothes are so much more cuter than baby boy clothes!  (That...and I won't have to worry about vertical pee.)

Today's blessing is the chance to take a day off.  I've been at my university for seven years now, so I've raked in enough hours to take a day off here and there...and will still have plenty left over for a generous maternity leave.  On lazy days like today, I'm fully aware of just how much of a blessing this is.  I had shared previously that I was going to go shopping today...but I decided that with the belly band, I can easily make it a few more weeks.  I did, however, spend the whole morning looking at nursery furniture sets online and getting excited about our future purchases...and that's enough for me for now.