Friday, May 7, 2010

A Confession

I've got to get this out there right away.  And I hope that no one reads this and considers me ungrateful--because that's not why I share this.  But this is where I share my honest, gut reactions to this journey we've been on.

That all being said, I'm scared of having a little girl.

There--I said it.  Please, please, please don't think that I'm being ungrateful for this precious gift and a healthy baby girl!  But it does scare me--not a lot...but enough to mention it here.

For starters, there's that saying (and I apologize in advance if this offends anyone):  "With a boy, you only have to worry about one dick...and with a girl, you have to worry about every other dick in the world".  But that's a long time from now...and I trust that my husband and I can take the necessary time and energy to properly educate her on how to respect her body and make wise decisions when that time comes.

Second, girls can be mean!  I know, because I was one!  And I've had my share of being the mean girl, and being the victim of the mean girl(s).  Boys fight--physically--and then get over it.  But girls can say and do things that leave emotional scars that last longer than any bruises that physical fights can cause.

Getting more serious--I worry about fighting with my daughter when she's a teenager.  Okay, so I realize that this is fairly normal, but my mom and I had some really tense moments.  I always loved her, and I always knew that she loved me...but it didn't stop me from choosing a college 800 miles away so that I could get away from her (that, and San Diego was pretty enticing).  I learned so much from my mom in the process, and she was a fabulous mom most of the time.  But the fights were pretty bad at times.  Things just seem different between mothers and sons.  I realize that there are plenty of mother/daughters with perfectly healthy relationships, so I can only pray that God grant me with the patience and wisdom that I'll need to be a good mom.

And then there are the concerns about her own in/fertility.  I realize that in/fertility is not necessarily hereditary...but at 19 weeks, she has already developed 6 million eggs!  All of her reproductive dreams are already present, and we're not even halfway through this pregnancy!  What if she runs into the "bad run of eggs" that we experienced?  It was hard enough to lose my own baby, but how would I ever survive watching my (grown-up) baby lose her own baby?  I realize that this is years and years from now, and I'm worrying about something that may never happen.  But I have to be honest and share that the thought scares me.

All of that being said...I'm thrilled beyond belief that our baby girl is healthy!  Before this journey, I always knew that I wanted to have children, and I don't believe that I had ever given much preference to the gender.  It was just at the appointment three weeks ago when my doctor gave us her 70% guess that I started realizing these fears.  But I know that God loves me, and will help me through these fears--just as He has helped me through all of the other fears along this journey.  And let's be honest--the baby girl clothes are so much more cuter than baby boy clothes!  (That...and I won't have to worry about vertical pee.)

Today's blessing is the chance to take a day off.  I've been at my university for seven years now, so I've raked in enough hours to take a day off here and there...and will still have plenty left over for a generous maternity leave.  On lazy days like today, I'm fully aware of just how much of a blessing this is.  I had shared previously that I was going to go shopping today...but I decided that with the belly band, I can easily make it a few more weeks.  I did, however, spend the whole morning looking at nursery furniture sets online and getting excited about our future purchases...and that's enough for me for now.


  1. Aw, I think it's common to have fears. I actually have the same issue only reversed. I'm not sure what I'd do with a boy! I grew up with all sisters.

    Glad you got an early start to the weekend! Happy mothers day!!

  2. you are not alone! This is why I am THANKFUL to have a son! and I don't know what I will do, if and when we have #2, if it's a girl! you will work out me God would not have given a girl if he didn't think you could not handle what comes your way!
    Happy Mom-to-be Mother's Day!

  3. First, I started reading your blog about a month ago and have been following because I too live in Arizona and am expecting a baby after IF and a miscarriage. I also briefly worked at UofA.

    I am also having a girl and I completely understand your fears. I fear the same thing; that I doomed her to struggle in the same ways I have. After all, my mom went through infertility too and it took her 6 years of ttc to have me.

    I know my mom feels guilty and responsible for my infertility. But honestly, if we didn't have children because we could possibly pass on something undesirable no one on earth would have children!

    We can only hope and pray that our daughters are reproductively gifted, unlike us. And if not, we will be able to sympathize and advise them and be their biggest cheerleaders if it ever comes down to it.

    I've contemplated commenting on so many of your posts because you have revealed so many of the same questions, fears, and new pregnancy discoveries that I have recently been through! Best of luck! I think we will love having little girls!

  4. I think your fears are truly rational. I think that it there is much truth in the adage that boys are "momma's boys" and little girls are "daddy's princesses."

    Coming from a teaching standpoint, however, the little girls demonstrate and act on empathy MUCH earlier, problem solve and negotiate more effectively, are less violent, are able to sit still 100X longer and get less dirty!!! You have alot to look forward to (at least through age 6!)

  5. I can completely and totally understand your fears. I share many of them myself. However, there are so many positives to a baby girl!! And there is so much more you will be able to relate to when she does struggle. Besides, God knows what is better for us, even when we doubt him.


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