I don't think that I'll ever be able to stop the "worry" that creeps up. (And no, there is nothing out of the ordinary going on--this is more of a "commentary" sort of post.) Today marks 30 weeks for us...we're now 3/4 of the way there! But for my family, 30 weeks also marks the point at which my sister-in-law lost her son due to cord complications. They were at lamaze class when she and my brother shared with the instructor that she hadn't felt the baby move that day...an ultrasound that night confirmed the worst. That was in September 2008...and the pain is still very real and very vivid for all of us. So while I approach each day as a beautiful milestone, I also head into this week with that experience in my head and my heart.
At the same time, I think that for the most part, I'm starting to move away from a state of "worry" and into a sense of "wonder". And I guess that this "wonder" can be defined in two mutual ways--there's the "wonder and awe" of the newness of this miracle, and then there's there "curiosity and wonder" that is more closely linked to "worry"...but feels like it's a step in the right direction of trusting that I will indeed meet this Baby Girl in September.
Being the wise man that he is, my husband has often shared one of his pearls of wisdom with me: "Worrying is a lot like a rocking chair...it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere". And he's right, though I admit that I still worry from time to time. But whereas I feel that worrying keeps me "stuck" in the past, it feels like "wonder" allows me to not only stay in the present, but perhaps even look toward the future. In my mind, worry is associated with "fear", but wonder relies on "trust" and makes way for "hope".
So as I move into 30 weeks, I am cognizant of the loss that my brother and sister-in-law experienced at this point in their pregnancy, but I can't let myself get wrapped up in the worry. And so I wonder--with both "awe" and "curiosity"--about this Baby Girl growing and developing in me, and pray that God continue to protect her as He continues to work in my life.
Yesterday's blessing was the chance to hang out with our circle of friends. There are four couples (including us) in our little group at church, and it just worked out that all three couples were able to join us for dinner at our place. I don't think we've had all eight of us together at once since Super Bowl, so it really was a blessing to recognize the friendships and bonds that we share with these other couples.