It was just one of those weeks. Oh wait--it's only Monday. Double Ugg.
Believe it or not, it doesn't really have anything to do with infertility or loss (for once). I can't quite explain it, but I've just felt really out of sorts lately.
I first noticed it with my husband. I was just getting a tad bit frustrated a little bit too easily with him. We would be driving somewhere, and I would have this wish that I could put up a wall in between our seats. I love him so much, and we're not having any "problems". Rather, I probably just wasn't having enough patience.
Then it came on stronger this weekend when we went out to dinner and miniature golf with two couples from church on Saturday. I've been known to be competitive on occasion, but I guess I just feel like miniature golf is a place to be silly. But in reading the captions that my friend posted to Facebook, I apparently came across as a major brat. That wasn't my intent. I was just trying to be silly. But it leaves me with this uneasy feeling--even though I have apologized profusely.
Finally, it totally manifested itself in my professional world. I'm adequately pleased with my job, but I feel like I could do more. I'm not one to chase titles, but I do seek challenges and professional growth and intellectual stimulation. I just don't feel like I'm getting those development opportunities in my current position (though, to put it in perspective, I realize that things are slower in the summer...which is a blessing...but I'm thinking "bigger picture"). There was an opportunity elsewhere on campus that I was really hoping for, but I was totally overlooked. It makes me think that I hit my "professional peak" two years ago.
Thinking back to that time in my professional life, I also had it all going for me in my personal life as well. I was engaged and excited about the upcoming wedding. I was living in ignorant bliss of the infertility and loss that I would soon experience.
I know I can't go back to those days, but I can only hope and pray that God has more of those years of fulfillment--both personally and professionally--for me in the future.
Oh...and to cap it all off, I ruined a cheesecake. I had looked forward to baking it as a redemptive experience, and even that got messed up when the middle of the crust didn't separate from the bottom of the pan...resulting in a donut-shaped cheesecake.
Throughout this recent "Ugg" experience, I'm blessed to have my husband by my side. He puts up with my impatience and breaks the invisible barrier that I wanted to build in the car by reaching over and holding my hand. He lovingly rebukes me for my behavior at miniature golf and honestly tells me that he, too, was disappointed in my actions despite my attempts to be silly. And most importantly, he holds me tight and lets me cry, and wisely points out that there will always be "peaks" and "valleys", but that he'll be by my side through it all.