A Confession

Let me take you all the way back to when our TTC adventure began.  My husband and I got married in March 2007, and I agreed to stay on the pill until we were "ready" to try to start a family.  I admit, I was ready the day we returned from our honeymoon.  I contemplated flushing my birth control pills and just saying "oops!" when he knocked me up that first month.  But I resisted that urge, as I truly believed (and still do) that creating a child "should" be our mutual decision.  My husband, on the other hand, wasn't nearly as eager to start.  I regret that I didn't take the time to truly understand why he was opposed to trying at that point in time.

But being the persistent (and yes, bossy) type that I am, I look back now and admit that I probably hounded him about starting a family more than I should have (actually--you can omit that "probably"...I know that I pushed him).  Finally, after watching the movie Juno, I got him to agree that I could finally go off birth control.  I clearly remember talking to him over dinner after the movie and arguing that it was all in God's timing anyway, so I might as well get off the pill sooner rather than later and let God do His thing.  I hate to say it, but when he finally gave in, he actually looked so defeated by me.  He agreed that I could stop birth control, but he pleaded that we wouldn't actively "try".  Rather, he wanted to "just see what happens" without getting consumed with "trying".

Yeah right.  Within days I was looking up meanings of baby names and buying pregnancy tests.  I sped right past "see what happens" and jumped straight into "trying" mode...and I never gave him the chance to catch up.  Sure, I don't think that he minded all of the extra "attention" that he was getting...but he knew it was because I had ulterior motives.

Fast-forward two years and three losses...I don't know what it was, but something struck me when he was gone for five weeks.  I had one of those "ah-ha moments" when I realized that I was totally 100% in the wrong for bypassing his request to just "see what happens".  I was running a race with every bit of energy I had, and he just wanted to enjoy a nice leisurely walk with his wife.

Over the weekend, I confessed to him that I was wrong to get so far ahead of him, myself, and us when I dove into baby-making-mode all by my lonesome.  For two years I've been "trying", without asking him if he's ready to move on from "see what happens" to "actually trying".  I did finally ask him if he truly feels "ready" to try.  In response, he squeezed me and kissed my cheek, and calmly shared that he felt like he's had enough time of having me to himself, and yes--he is in fact truly ready to share me with a baby.

So now I'm kicking myself for focusing on what I didn't have for the last two years...rather than recognizing what I do have.  I have a husband who loves me and cherishes me and is selfish enough to want ME all to himself (at least for the first two and a half years).

As if my husband isn't blessing enough, I was also blessed to find out that my best friend from childhood passed the bar exam!  I'm so proud of her, and she truly is an inspiration to me.  She is an amazing mom and a loyal friend...and I know that she is going to a fabulous lawyer!