All along, I've been saying that I trust God. I do. I trust Him. But the other day, I had a realization that truly trusting God is kind of like stepping out on a tightrope...and I need to let go of the ledge.
I would say that I'm usually a rather concrete thinker. I look at the facts. I make calculated decisions. For anyone who is familiar with Myers-Briggs Type Indicator...I'm a strong "S". But the other night as I was considering the elements of "trust", the image of a tightrope walker came into my head. That's not like me--I'm not the type to give any meaning to imagery (that's more my mom's style).
But it fit. Navigating this journey through infertility and loss makes me feel like I'm on a tightrope with no harness. I've been standing on the ledge for the last couple of months. It's easy to stand there, safe and secure, when I know that I'm not pregnant. Every once in a while, I take a step out--but it's never very far. With every new cycle, I can climb back on that platform and relax in its safety for a bit. But what if my prayers are answered and I get pregnant again? Then I'm out there on the rope, with nothing to which I can hold. I want to be pregnant again so badly, but yet it's also so extremely scary. After three losses, I don't feel like I can fully rejoice in a positive test (if I'm blessed and receive a positive test). That's when the real trust starts. That's when I have to step out on the rope, let go of the ledge, keep my head up, and truly trust God. But even if I do all those things, that still doesn't guarantee that I'll make it to the other side. I could still fall. History shows that I've already fallen three times. It sure sucks to fall. But yet even when I fell, God was still there. I know that He was there--serving as my safety net--and I trust that He'll continue to be there for me.
My blessing from the other day is work-related. We found out that one of our required courses for the Spring semester was moved to a larger classroom, so we'll be able to accommodate all of the students who were hoping to add it. This may seem minor, but for the 100+ students on the waitlist, this is a huge blessing. Sure, it makes my life easier as well, but I know that it's so important for my students.