All along, I've been saying that I trust God. I do. I trust Him. But the other day, I had a realization that truly trusting God is kind of like stepping out on a tightrope...and I need to let go of the ledge.
I would say that I'm usually a rather concrete thinker. I look at the facts. I make calculated decisions. For anyone who is familiar with Myers-Briggs Type Indicator...I'm a strong "S". But the other night as I was considering the elements of "trust", the image of a tightrope walker came into my head. That's not like me--I'm not the type to give any meaning to imagery (that's more my mom's style).
But it fit. Navigating this journey through infertility and loss makes me feel like I'm on a tightrope with no harness. I've been standing on the ledge for the last couple of months. It's easy to stand there, safe and secure, when I know that I'm not pregnant. Every once in a while, I take a step out--but it's never very far. With every new cycle, I can climb back on that platform and relax in its safety for a bit. But what if my prayers are answered and I get pregnant again? Then I'm out there on the rope, with nothing to which I can hold. I want to be pregnant again so badly, but yet it's also so extremely scary. After three losses, I don't feel like I can fully rejoice in a positive test (if I'm blessed and receive a positive test). That's when the real trust starts. That's when I have to step out on the rope, let go of the ledge, keep my head up, and truly trust God. But even if I do all those things, that still doesn't guarantee that I'll make it to the other side. I could still fall. History shows that I've already fallen three times. It sure sucks to fall. But yet even when I fell, God was still there. I know that He was there--serving as my safety net--and I trust that He'll continue to be there for me.
My blessing from the other day is work-related. We found out that one of our required courses for the Spring semester was moved to a larger classroom, so we'll be able to accommodate all of the students who were hoping to add it. This may seem minor, but for the 100+ students on the waitlist, this is a huge blessing. Sure, it makes my life easier as well, but I know that it's so important for my students.
this post I could have written myself - I completely understand how you feel - I'm back on my 'safe' platform now, getting all these tests run, but then when they give us the green light again, that's when the real trust in God begins. Hopefully we can both allow ourselves to one day be truly happy about a positive pregnancy test, without fear or hesitation. I am still trying each day to place my trust and fears with Him. It's not easy but we must not give up.
ReplyDeleteI have been struggling with this exact issue recently. I love this little one the Lord has blessed us with so much, yet I doubt Him every step of the way. I think but what if something happens now? Or later in the pregnancy? And I realize that if something does happen it is out of my control. I need to trust this pregnancy to the Lord. He has my best interest in mind and I need not to just realize this, but to believe it and live by it.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate Laura. We're going to start ttc in the new year, and when I think that I'll be stepping out on that tight rope again I get scared. But I've got to do it if I want to have children. Although my track record is not good, I've been able to prove that after each fall I can get up, I can survive to try again. It's a long trip back to the top of the ledge, but I always make it. So Laura, with God as your safety net, and us ladies along side you climbing back to that ledge and encouraging each other, you will surely succeed one day.
ReplyDeleteThis is the image driven "Mom". I love you so much, Laura. You are in your Dad's and my prayers.
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