In the last few days, something has changed in my husband. We both admit to being very cautious in our approach to this pregnancy--especially in the early weeks. But even when I started to feel a new sense of hope, I felt that he was still being hesitant.
On one of our recent lazy mornings while we were still waking up, my husband was cuddled up to me with his hand resting lightly on my rib cage. I moved his hand down to my belly so that he could feel how it is growing, but he immediately moved it away. When I asked why, he said that he was scared. I had to ask if he was scared to hurt me or the baby...or if he was scared to get his hopes up. He honestly shared that he didn't want to hurt the baby. I had to hold back my surprise, and tried to sweetly explain that just lightly resting his hand on my belly wasn't going to do any harm at all. But it made me just a little bit sad that he didn't want to "bond" with the baby and my growing belly.
Over the weekend, something changed. After returning to the hotel from his day at the Army Reserve, I asked him to cuddle with me in bed and watch some basketball (even though our team didn't make it this year for the first time in forever). Again, I took his hand and rested it lightly on my belly. This time, he looked at his hand on my stomach and sweetly said "Hi Baby". It was so simple, so genuine, and so touching.
I don't know if it was my prompting (and prodding), or if he's legitimately starting to feel a connection with the baby that's growing inside of me. I realize that the experience has got to be so different for the men who support those of us women who suffer through and survive Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL). But where would we be without them? This is just as significant for my husband as it is for me, and I look forward to the days when he can feel the baby kick...and then hold his child...and then play catch in the yard (like he told me he wanted to do on our very first date). I pray that while this child grows inside of me, that my husband's excitement and comfort continue to grow as well.
Today's blessing is the chance to get back to some normalcy. We had a very nice visit with my in-laws, but a vacation for them does not necessarily equate to a vacation for us. In addition to their visit, my husband also had Army Reserve drill over the weekend, so we didn't get home until late last night. I'll need to do all of my typical Sunday chores (laundry, groceries) tonight, but I admit that it will be nice to have the house back to ourselves.