Flying back from my conference on Friday afternoon, I experienced something that hasn't happened for a while. I was reclining in the seat at the airport, wishing that the hotel had granted me a late check-out so that I could have taken a nap. I noticed a new mother pushing a stroller through the walkway beyond our row of chairs, and I sat up to try to get a glimpse of the baby.
I admit that I haven't experienced that desire to look at a baby for quite a long time. After my first loss, it was almost unbearable to see babies and pregnant bellies. I admit that I was jealous. I knew that I should be happy for those new mothers or mothers-to-be, but I was still so heartbroken for myself.
I wasn't always that way. I love babies! Or, I should say, I used to love babies...and I think I'm starting to genuinely feel a sense of love for babies again. That's why I thought that Friday's simple, and yet natural reaction was of enough significance to share here. I want to get excited about babies...and yet, I realize that I'm still so cautious. I have to admit that I don't know if I would have reacted the same way if I wasn't currently pregnant. I'd like to think that I'm growing and maturing (my "Ahh!" reaction to my colleague's daughter's ultrasound pictures back in August was another episode of true delight), but I know that I still struggle.
I don't know if I really have a point to this post. I guess what I'm trying to convey is my genuine desire to be free of the jealousy that I've experienced over the last two years or so. I recognize the amazing wonder and awe of the creation of life, and I understand the fragility of life as well. I want to continue to sit up and look over a row of airport chairs to see a baby passing by. I want to be excited about all babies, not only this precious one growing inside of me.
Today's blessing was the chance to hang out with some friends who moved out of town over the summer, and were back for a quick visit. They are such an amazing couple who balance each other out in the coolest way possible. It was so great to spend a couple hours with them today just catching up.
I think this post is significant. You are realizing that you are taking a step towards not being jealous and that is a wonderful thing! Keep trying and keep having the faith that you will cross over to being excited over all babies. As you know that is not an easy task with what you have been through, so the step you already took is a big step!
ReplyDeleteGreat post Laura. And I totally get what you mean. I used to zip through baby commercials, programs, you name it. just too painful of a reminder of what I was 'missing' - I think this post sums up beautifully the peace and calm you've been feeling throughout this pregnancy and I pray that it will continue to be this way throughout :)
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