Conflicting Emotions

esterday was a day with a fabulous high and a sobering low, which leaves me with such conflicting emotions.

Before I go any further and cause any worry, let me start with the "high" and share that everything still looks great with our baby.  I had our 12 week appointment on Wednesday, followed by the "Ultrascreen" to test for risk of Down Syndrome on Friday.  I feel so blessedly spoiled to have the chance to see the baby twice in one week.  Our OB didn't do any measurements or anything on Wednesday--it simply was a "peace of mind" type of appointment (and I love her for it!).  But yesterday's appointment required multiple measurements, including at the base of the baby's neck to help determine various risks (combined with a blood test from me).  Since my husband had to work, I invited my mother-in-law along, which was a nice bonding opportunity for us.  Whereas the baby was bouncing all around on Wednesday, he/she was totally sound asleep at the start of the appointment yesterday.  I could still see the little heart beating away, and an occasional arm stretch from time to time, so I wasn't too worried.  The poor technician needed the baby to move so that she could get the correct measurements, but I sure didn't mind just staring at the baby for fifteen minutes (my husband is also notoriously hard to wake up, so he/she apparently takes after him).  The technician finally got the baby to wake up and move around and get the necessary measurements, which she say look "good and thin" (at the neck) so far (results will come next week).  My mother-in-law swore that she saw "boy parts"...until we pointed out it was actually the umbilical cord.  But the baby has a pretty big nose, which she attributes to their German heritage, and she says would look too big on a girl (yes, she's definitely hoping for a boy...I'm hoping for a healthy baby).  The baby is measuring at 12 weeks, 4 days...so we somehow "gained" a day since the 8 week appointment.  I realize that babies grow every minute of every day...but I swear that the baby looks bigger and more developed just over the last two days:

So there is my "high"...now on to my "low".

I've never even met this woman, but a friend of my very-dear friend is afraid that she is losing her baby.  My very-dear friend sent me a text message yesterday to ask me to pray for her friend.  She had shared with me previously that her friend had been struggling to get pregnant for quite some time.  I don't know the whole story, I don't know her prognosis, I don't know what procedures or medications (if anything) that she is trying, but I know that she desperately wants to be a mother.  This friend conceived last cycle, but now her numbers aren't doubling or increasing.  I don't have any other details beyond that...other than that she needs prayers.  The "faith-ful" part of me clings to the certainty that our God is an awesome God of wonders and I pray that He work a miracle in the life of this woman and her child.  And yet, the "hope-less" part of me is also acutely aware of the fragility of life and the painful reality of loss.  My dear-friend truly is an amazingly dear-friend to me, and I trust that she is to her friend as well (they are scheduled to meet up to vacation together this weekend with their husbands).  But my dear-friend is 10 weeks pregnant and has never experienced loss.  She has the best intentions, but doesn't quite get what it's like to go through that sort of genuine heartbreak (and I truly pray that she never has to face it).  Through ongoing conversations with my very-dear friend, I think that she's starting to understand how incomprehensible loss (or even the fear or potential risk of loss) can be.  As I pray for her friend, I also pray that God open the ears and the heart of my very-dear friend so that she can offer the support and understanding and opportunity to share that her friend may (or may not) need.  Please lift up Caitlin, James, and their baby in your prayers.

Today's blessing was the chance to share the ultrasound experience with my mother-in-law.  I know that she was really touched to see her grandchild, and I think that the experience helps to strengthen our relationship.  I sure wish that my mom could have been there as well, but she graciously understands that this was a great opportunity for my mother-in-law.  And it was such a great blessing to have an extra-long ultrasound since the baby was content to sleep for the first fifteen minutes.  I could lie there all day long just looking at the beauty of my child.