W.T.F. (Not What You Think...)

W.T.F. No, it's not that naughty word. But today's posting is about female bodily functions. So if that's not what you were hoping to be reading about, please kindly refer to one of my other "cleaner" posts.

I admit that I have tended to get a bit obsessed with my bodily functions while searching for that elusive act of ovulation over the last two years. I feel like all of the health classes we took in high school made it seem like we would get pregnant the very first time we ever did it without protection. Well that didn't happen, so I started trying to figure out when I was going to ovulate (little did I know that I had developed a hormone imbalance/PCOS that was totally screwing up my cycle).

First we tried the Ovulation Predictor Kits. It seemed too expensive to get the pack of seven tests at the store, so I opted for the pack of 25 strips that I found somewhere online. Every afernoon, I hurried home to test. I even kept all 25 of them, carefully labeled with the date, and glued into a folder so I could track the change...or lack thereof. 25 stips, 25 unanswered questions (little did I know that I was in the middle of a 112-day cycle).

Then I started taking my Basal Body Temperature. I figured that this was a one-time investment. I pay for the thermometer one time, and can use it over and over. So every morning, I diligently woke up at the exact same time and tried not to move--as the instructions said that even the slightest movement can alter a true reading. Silly me...I remember leaving my head under the blankets, somehow willing my temperature to rise, as if that would induce ovulation. I tracked my temperature for months! After a while, I felt like I was simply doing so to prove a point of how screwed up my cycle was, rather than trying to discover that I ovulated (I did eventually ovulate on day 64 while tracking my temperature--I remember being so amazed at that temperature shift).

Somewhere along the way, I even bought one of those tiny microscopes that you're supposed to spit on. If your spit creates a "fern" pattern, you supposedly ovulated. Again, silly me...like with the BBT, I found myself trying to get some "really good spit", as if that would induce ovulation.

I knew I was starting to obsess. I was scheduling things around checking to see if I ovulated. I could feel myself spiraling out of control. It was bad. I knew I had to stop. So I did. No more OPKs, no more thermometers, no more silly little microscopes. I found that it was actually very relieving to get rid of it all.

Then I started to take notice of my cervical mucus. I couldn't help it. I found that every time I used the restroom was an excuse (or was it an opportunity?) to check. I wasn't doing "internal" checks. Rather, I was just examining the tissue. And it was totally free, and didn't matter what time it was!

But again, I feel that I'm obsessing. Perhaps it's just a habit. When my cycle was so screwed up, I was constantly checking to see if my period had finally come. Then each time I got pregnant, I was constantly checking to see if I was spotting. Then after a miscarriage, I was constantly checking to see if the bleeding was done. By the time the bleeding ends, I'm constantly checking again for that fertile mucus.

So now that we're on TTC-hiatus, I'm trying to teach my body a new thing. I call it "W.T.F"--"Wipe Then Flush". No looking, no examining, no comparing, no stretching. Just simply "Wipe Then Flush". But oh...it's so tempting to sneak a peak. I just don't want to obsess.

As for blessings, we have had the most amazing sunsets lately! What a blessing to see all these colors off our back porch day after day!

Positivity

In my last visit to the doctor (on June 11th), he said that I did not need to do Beta HCG blood tests to monitor the decline. Rather, I should just take a HPT in 1-2 weeks to make sure that my levels get back to zero. So I took the test on Monday morning...and it's still positive. It's a bit of a bummer, but understandable. Perhaps I'll test again next week, or maybe I'll wait till after our 4th of July trip to Chicago. I figure that if I can only "waste" one more test out of the three-pack, perhaps I'll be able to keep the last one for when we are hoping for a "positive" instead of a "negative" result.

Afer trying so hard to start a family for two years, do you know how hard it is to change your mindset and hope for a negative test? It's so weird! But I'm trying to "stay positive" despite the positive test. I'm not a patient person...I probably need to work on that.

Today I'm blessed with a chance to take a day off. The only thing I have planned is to write postcards to my nieces and nephews. I'll probably find other little projects as well, but I'll also be sure to take a nice long nap!

Turning Points

After each loss, I found that I needed a "turning point" in order to feel like I had readjusted back into normal society. With the first, it came in the form of a professional conference at which I was scheduled to present. I even attended with a woman in my office who was two weeks further along in her pregnancy than I would have been. But we had the chance to explore Chicago in addition to the presentations, and I came back realizing that I could laugh again. The turning point after the second loss was when we had a chance to meet with the RE for the first time and start to explore our situation and take steps forward. With this most recent loss, it happened this weekend when my husband and I had a chance to go camping and hiking. It was just so great to get out of town, reconnect with the beauty of Southern Arizona, and hang out together. It was nearly a perfect weekend--minus the rattle snake that we ran into on our 7.3 mile hike.

I think I'm starting to feel more like myself--both physically and emotionally. I think that the spotting is (finally!) done, and I haven't suffered from cramps for more than a week now. I don't know if I'll ever quite "get over" the loss of this child (or the others), but I do feel like I can truly start moving forward.

As for my blessings today on Father's Day, I'm totally blessed with the fathers in my life--my husband, my dad, and my heavenly Father. I love them all dearly.

Treasures in Heaven

"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Matthew 6:20-21)

Ain't that the truth!

This passage totally melted my heart when I read it this evening. Okay, so I realize that the original application was focused on money issues, but I've never been one to be too concerned with material things (you can't when you work in Education). Rather, my heart is totally with my babies--my treasures--in heaven.

As for my blessings, I am blessed with the chance to camp with my husband this weekend. He's been out of town this week, so it will be nice to reconnect with him and nature at the same time.

Thy Will Be Done

I've said that passage of The Lord's Prayer thousands of times. I remember one of my dad's sermons (he's a pastor) about really taking the words to heart when reciting the prayer--and not just saying it from memory. Since that sermon, I've really tried to think about what the words mean.

"Thy will be done". That's a hard prayer to swallow. I've meditated on those words in each of my three pregnancies. I put my pregnancies into God's hands each time. I don't feel like I can say that I gave the Lord "permission" or "my blessing" to do what He wanted with the pregnancies--I know that I truly don't have any power in such matters. But I remember conscientiously telling God that I relinquish any sort of control over the lives of my children to which I thought I may somehow be holding.

I can't pretend to understand God's will for my life. I can't fathom how three losses fit into His plan. But I have to believe that He loves me and He has something in store for me that is bigger and better than anything that I can imagine. And so I continue to pray, "Thy will be done".

We had some clouds roll in today, which allowed for an amazing sunset. I'm so blessed to be able to view such beautiful sights right from our back porch.

Recipe Request

Did I mention that I love to bake? I especially love baking cheesecakes to share with my husband and my office, but I admit that I haven't developed a PCOS-friendly version of one yet (I'm working on it!).

After mentioning that I was making a whole-wheat reduced-sugar banana-walnut bread in my previous post, I had a request to share the recipe. It's actually my mom's recipe--and I've included both the "original" list of ingredients, as well as the "modified" list that I use in my attempts to make it a bit healthier.

Banana Bread (or Whole-Wheat Reduced-Sugar Banana-Walnut Bread)

Original Ingredients:
3 Over-ripe Bananas (4 if small)
1 Cup Sugar
1 Egg
1-1/2 Cups Flour
1/4 Cup Melted Butter
1 Tsp. Baking Soda
1 Tsp. Salt

Modified Ingredients:
3 Over-ripe (Organic) Bananas (4 is small)
1/2 Cup Sugar
Generous Squirt of Honey
1 (Free-Range) Egg
1-1/2 Cups Whole-Wheat Flour
Generous Sprinkle of Flax Seeds
1/4 Cup Melted Butter (or Applesauce if you're really healthy...I'm not...yet)
1 Tsp. Baking Soda
1 Tsp. Salt
Generous Handful of Walnuts

Mash bananas with fork. Stir in other ingredients. Pour into Teflon or buttered loaf pan. Bake 1 hour at 325 degrees, lower temp if using glass pans. (Note: You can keep browning bananas in the freezer until you've accumulated enough to make a loaf--just defrost, and they're perfectly gooey for mashing).

If you give it a try, I hope that you enjoy it! All the credit goes to my mom.

Perhaps I can use these two months of prescribed rest from TTC to work on my culinary skills. I'm always up for new recipes, so feel free to share your favorites as well!

As for a blessing, this was so hard, but I know that God put her in my life today for some reason. As we were finishing up advising for our new students at Orientation, a very pregnant young mom came in to get her schedule. Since she was a Summer-admit (rather than Fall), there were some problems with her schedule, so we started talking. She's due July 24th--right in the middle of the summer class she is supposed to take. She was hoping to only take classes online, but our campus is more "traditional", and offers very few online courses. The father of the baby is not involved, and she said that he gets really upset with her. Her family does not give her any support (in fact, her mom is kicking her out of the house), but tells her that adoption is not an option. My heart breaks for her, but I feel blessed that I was able to help her just a tiny bit with figuring out some good options for pursuing her academics. And more importantly, I can pray for her. It's hard to use her situation--which is so entirely and drastically different than mine in every single way possible--as any sort of reference point. But in front of me stood someone who is trying, against all the odds, to do something meaningful in her life. What a blessing to see that sort of strength!

What Not to Eat

A fellow IF blogger was lamenting the frustrations of trying to stick to a PCOS diet...and who can blame her! While suffering through the frustrations of IF, to be told that you shouldn't eat your "comfort foods" can feel even more like a slap in the face. But I wanted to share the recommendations and restrictions that my RE shared with me in a packet during our first appointment. These aren't "my" guidelines--they were put together by him (and I'm happy to share his name privately if anyone wants more information). Take these guidelines with a grain of salt (no pun intended). I'm not perfect, and I admit that I don't follow these guidelines to a T, so please don't feel that I'm being "preachy". Rather, I'm just trying to share a resource that you can choose to apply or ignore as you feel fit (again, no pun intended).

Dos:
1. Eat a diet that is primarily from vegetable sources. Fresh vegetables and fruit should comprise the bulk of your diet, with weight given to vegetables, less fruit. Also, white potatoes and corn are NOT considered vegetables in this diet plan (apparently too starchy).
2. If you can tolerate dairy produtcts, 8 ounces of whole organic milk (or whole-fat yogurt or cottage cheese) should be consumed daily.
3. Eat only whole grains: wheat, oats, flax seeds, rice barley, etc. Do not eat white bread, white rice, tortillas, cookies, cakes, or anything made with refined flour. (There are now lots of options for whole wheat breads, pastas, and tortillas).
4. Eat foods rich in Omega 3 oils: salmon, sardines, walnuts, free-range eggs, grass-fed meats, flax seed, etc. These foods should be consumed at least three tims per week. A serving of meat or fish should not be larger than a deck of cards. (I sprinkle flax seeds into just about everything now).
5. Use high quality essential oils in your cooking and on salads and vegetables: olive oil, butter, avocado oil, walnut oil, peanut butter, almond butter, avocados, olive oil mayonnaise (made with olive oil, eggs and vinegar). All of the above are best in their minimally processed state. Try to find them in the organic section if possible. Do not use margarine in any form.
6. Sweet sources can include: fresh fruit and small quantities (one teaspoon) of honey, maple syrup, and molasses. Do not consume artificial sweeteners, sugar, or corn syrup.
7. Learn to cook--it is the best way to eat healthy and know what is in your food.
8. When you dine out, eat the simple things on the menu and choose a portion size that is appetizer size or a child's portion. Good choices are poached fish, dinner salad, steamed veggies, fresh fruit platters, etc. Don't eat the bread and avoid the starchy sides (ask for more veggies instead of potatoes or rice). Sparkling water with lemon and/or lime is a nice treat.
9: Note: If you are a vegetarian or vegan, you will need supplements of the following: Vitamin B-12, Calcium, Vitamin D, Iron.

Don'ts:
1. Don't ever eat fast food. There is nothing worthwhile you can eat at a fast food restaurant, the only exception would be vegetable-only salads where you bring your own dressing of olive oil and vinegar.
2. Don't consume alcohol.
3. Don't drink soda or sport dirnks or energy drinks in any form (even diet soda). All of these "foods" are filled with chemicals and things that leach calcium from your bones.
4. Don't eat any product that has either High Fructose Corn Syrup or Modified Corn Starch in the ingredient list. These two items should be considered poison to your body and that of your children. (This is hard--so many foods that I considered "staples" have HFCS in them...bummer).
5. Don't purchase any food item that has ingredients that you cannot pronounce or you do not know what the ingredient is (that pretty much eliminates all of the processed foods that are full of chemicals and preservatives).
6. Don't eat processed meats: bacon, lunch meats (bologna).
7. Don't drink caffeine (coffee, tea)--choose the non-caffeinated option. Watch iced tea and other drinks that we forget have caffeine. Reduce the caffeine gradually to avoid the caffeine headache. Non-caffeinated coffee is fine, but choose the water-processed rather than chemical-processed version. (If you're a tea person, the "Refresh" tea at Starbucks is minty and caffeine-free).
8. Don't eat fried foods.

I know...quite a list! Imagine the disappointment on my husband's face when the doctor got to the part about the potatoes. My husband was born and raised in Montana cattle country, and seems to believe that mashed potatoes go with every meal--and he even thinks that I make better mashed potatoes than his mom! Poor guy...he's had to adjust with me.

I should also mention that these are his guidelines for all his patients--not just those with PCOS. In addition to a healthy diet, he also recommends that we do 60 minutes of cardio a day (even walking is good enough for him), along with 200 crunches a day. He suggests that we do this sort of activity 5-6 times per week.

Again, I'm not perfect with this list. But I really have tried to put these guidelines into practice in some capacity. Please don't think that I'm bragging--I'm rather simply attesting to the benefits of said nutritional plan...but I lost 20 pounds in the four months between loss #2 and loss #3. I hadn't gotten on a scale during that time because my intent was never to lose weight--I simply wanted to get (and stay) pregnant (note: the "get" part worked...it's the "stay" part that we're still working on). I'm more than happy to share some of the meals or recipes or substitution suggestions that I enjoy--just let me know.

On that note, I'm going to bake a whole-wheat reduced-sugar banana-walnut bread (of which, I admit, I'll probably eat more than half). I'll also call that my blessing for the day as well--there's nothing better than the smell of bread baking in the oven!

All Clear (well, almost)

What a difference a week (and two rounds of Cytotec) makes! I went back to the doctor's office today for another ultrasound to make sure that everything is clearing out properly, and it looks so different! There is no more sac, but the doctor said I might experience just a few more little clots. But the beautiful blessing is that it looks like I have successfully avoided another D&C, so thank you so much for your prayers. I found myself whole-heartedly praising God today for that news during my bible study, and realized that the last time I praised Him with that much enthusiasm was when I got the BFP. I know that there were some moments of pain and hurt and anger towards the end, but I guess that it is appropriate that this pregnancy both started and ended with me praising God with all my heart. Now if we can only get that praise to last for 9 months instead of 11 weeks next time...

As I was leaving the doctor's office, part of me felt like I should be sad, but I had to remind myself that it's okay to be grateful at this point. I mourned the loss of this most recent life in the weeks following the "no cardiac activity" ultrasound on May 18th. It's now June 11th, and while I will always miss this child, I need to know that it's okay to move on.

So now I need to figure out what to do with myself for the next couple of months before TTC again. If it were the academic year, I would easily find distractions. But it's nice and slow for me in the summer-time. I guess I should take some time to truly meditate on what the Lord wants of my time and talents right now.

My blessing today came from God speaking to me through a verse in today's bible study: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10). This verse brought me comfort, and I pray that it can do the same for you.

Next Steps

I'm hoping that the worst is now behind me. I'm still experiencing some cramping and a little bit of bleeding, but I think this is essentially the "period" that follows a miscarriage (I even bled after the D&C with the first loss).

I chatted with the doctor's office this afternoon, and they scheduled me for an ultrasound on Thursday to confirm that everything came out. Assuming (and hoping and praying) that I get the "all clear" from him then, they will monitor my HCG levels with just urine tests, rather than beta HCG tests. So I guess you can say it's a blessing that I won't have to worry about needles and bloodwork (besides, I had enough of needles with the weeks of heparin self-injections).

I'm definitely sad, but I feel like I can start to move forward now. I know that I still have a lot of healing to do--both physically and emotionally--so it's now time to let the healing begin. Please continue to pray that any leftover remnants that might still be in there will all pass between now and the ultrasound on Thursday.

Throughout the course of this loss, I'm realizing just how blessed I am by God's timing. No, I don't quite buy into the "when the time is right, God will provide" sort of thinking--I feel like that is saying that God took away these three babies because our timing was "wrong". I hate that sort of interpretation of God's timing. But rather, given that these losses did happen, it feels like God did what He could to provide for me "in the moments". I took the first round of medication on Thursday and hurt and bled some that night, but not at all on Friday when I came in to work. I took the medication again on Saturday, and hurt throughout the day, but woke up feeling good and ready for church on Sunday (God sure knows how much I needed that spiritual nourishment!). I hurt Sunday afternoon, but had the luxury of just curling up with a heating pad (God even provided an extra-innings Cubs game for extended couch dwelling). I experienced the hard times in the safety of my own home over the course of the weekend, and now feel well enough to come to work for a new week. I know I could take the time off (and I plan to do so on Thursday--which, by the way, is when the doctor's office scheduled the ultrasound), but I also want to be able to be here for my incoming students when they are here for Orientation. So yes, in spite of the loss, I'm blessed that God's timing was perfect throughout it.

Round 2

Again, I should probably include a disclaimer that this post involves a miscarriages. The previous post was more "emotional", but this one is more "physical"...

Though Round 1 of the Cytotec got things started, I still had a long way to go yesterday. I took Round 2 of the medication around 10:30 am, and hung out on the couch all day. Nothing really started happening until 5:00 pm or so. I started passing more and more clots--some quite large. By 6:30 pm, the pain was so intense. My mom called at one point, and I had to hang up because I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying through the pain. We tried to watch a movie, but I found it was easier to just sit on the toilet and push then lay down and try to relax. My poor husband was so tolerant and kept pausing the movie every five minutes so I could spend ten minutes in the bathroom.

If you've never been through this (and I pray that you never will), the pain is quite different than "regular" menstrual cramps (at least in my opinion). "Regular" cramps seem to be a "lower back discomfort", where as I would imagine that the pain associated with a miscarriage is probably more in line with contractions. They are shooting pains that tend to come on really strong in the front, and run the lenghth of the lower abdomen, all the way up to the belly-button. The doctor said that I could take ibuprofen or Tylenol for the pain, but that it might interfere with the intentions of the Cytotec. I was trying to tough it out, but by 9:00 pm, the pain was so bad that I was second-guessing my decision not to do a D&C. I knew that I had permission to call the doctor's cell phone in case of an emergency, but I didn't know if "I'm a wimp and this hurts" justified a late-night call (especially when I wasn't able to use the "call if you bleed through more than three pads in an hour" barometer since I spent the whole night on the toilet). So after an extremely painful episode, I broke down and took a left-over 600 mg ibuprofen horse-pill that I had from after the D&C for the first miscarriage (I know, I'm a horrible person for holding on to prescriptions...but at least they were in my name).

Within the hour, the pain had subsided a bit, and I was able to sleep. I got up a few times throughout the night to use the bathroom, and things really started to slow down. I don't know if it's because things are starting to empty out in there, or if it's because the ibuprofen is interfering with the Cytotec. I sure hope and pray that everything is out at this point.

I'm feeling okay now--at least well enough to head into church, and I'll gauge things from there. But I know that I need to an "emotional refill" after being physically drained yesterday. The bleeding seems to be at the levels of a "regular period" now, and I think I'm past the worst of the cramps. Assuming everything goes okay for the rest of the day today, I'll call the doctor tomorrow to see if when we can schedule another ultrasound to make sure that everything indeed came out. Please pray that everthing is out! I would hate to go through the pain--both physical and emotional--and then find out that I need to do a D&C anyway for leftover pieces.

But whatever happens, I survived. Again, I'm blessed that the medication worked, and that I was here in my own home, and that my husband was here for me this time. I'm blessed by the calls and text-messages and blog-messages supporting me through this difficult time. I'm blessed to have been able to sleep through most of the night, and that I have a chance to both mourn and rejoice this morning in church.

The Beginning of The End

I should probably put a disclaimer on here first that this entry is about a miscarriage...

As I mentioned in the previous posting, I chose to try the Cytotec to get things started. I took it on the way to my husband's softball game, and felt fine throughout the game. On the way home, I couldn't tell if I was crampy or just sore from sitting in the bleachers for two hours. But by the time we got home, I had started spotting. It's such a weird mixed emotion to rejoice at the sight of blood, knowing that things are finally starting; and yet mourn the solidification of yet another loss.

I went to bed early with some "regular" cramping, and one intense "front cramp". I woke up at 2:00 am and was somewhat shocked to see that I hadn't really bled all that much in the night, despite the cramps. But when I used the restroom, I felt a large clot pass. I then did the unthinkable. I reached into the toilet and sifted through the blood, the remnants of this most recent "demise" (as the doctor refered to it yesterday) slipping through my fingers.

This isn't the first time I've stooped to this heartbreaking position. I never found anything that resembled a baby with the first miscarriage. I still wonder if I flushed my baby down the toilet, and I didn't want to risk doing so again. This time, there was a clot that was different. It was tiny, but it was solid. I guess I'll never know for sure, but I let myself believe that I was holding my baby. I wrapped it up in tissue, folded it between a picture of my husband and me on our honeymoon, and put it inside a Starbucks cup that was sitting on the counter (my husband and I frequent the shop every Sunday after church for a game of Scrabble). I then buried the little home-made coffin under a mesquite tree in our backyard, said a prayer, and climbed back into bed beside my sleeping husband.

This morning, there was very little blood. I realize that every pregnancy (and thus every miscarriage) are different, but after the amount of blood in the first miscarriage, I figured that there had to be more in there. The doctor got me in this afternoon for another ultrasound, and confirmed that I had passed the baby (thus further supporting my assumption), but that the gestational sac was still present and still needed to come out. He suggested another round of the Cytotec, which I'll take tomorrow morning, in the hopes that whatever is left in there will soon pass.

Please continue to pray for me. I realize that the best way to make God laugh is to tell Him your plans; but I don't want another D&C. I want this to pass in the comfort of my own home, hanging out with my husband on the couch, watching movies. I want to move on with my life as gracefully as possible.

I'm trying to find my silver-lining blessings in this. I'm blessed that the medication got things started. I'm blessed (I think) to have found the baby before flushing. I'm blessed to have been able to sleep through most of the night. I'm blessed that I felt okay this morning so that I could go into work. I'm blessed that I got to take the afternoon off. I'm blessed that the doctor was able to squeeze me in twice in two days to see what's going on. And I'm blessed to have a husband and parents and friends and blog-followers who I have never met who pray me through this valley of shadows.

Update on the Inevitable

My doctor returned to the office yesterday, and they were able to schedule me this morning for an ultrasound to see how things were progressing (or shall I say "why things weren't progressing"?). He initially couldn't even find the baby, but after more poking around found it, but said "it doesn't even look right". I know he wasn't trying to be hurtful, but it still hurts. I feel like we created something that is incomplete.

He gave us three options: 1) wait it out; 2) take Cytotec (which is technically an ulcer medication, but is supposed to open the cervix); or 3) perform a D&C. It's hard to make an educated decision without a medical background, so I appreciate that he said "if you were my kid, I'd recommend the Cytotec". So I chose what's behind Door #2, and I'll take the Cytotec after work today.

I've heard mixed reviews on this option. After a D&C for the first miscarriage, a dear friend said she would recommend the D&C over the Cytotec because it took forever for things to happen for her. But the doctor also said that he's seen it work for patients in 30 minutes to 4 hours. So I'm hoping that things go quickly. If they don't, he said that they'll schedule me for a D&C early next week. So please--pray that the medication works tonight. I can handle the cramps and pain and blood that are bound to come, but this whole period of waiting and knowing that a miscarriage is inevitable hurts in a different way. I know that God loves me and cares for me, but He feels so far away right now.

On a more positive note, I knew that this blessing was coming, but it was still nice to receive it yesterday. A couple of weeks ago, I was notified that I had been selected as the "Advisor of the Year" in our college. Since I don't have any (living) children of my own, I try the best I can to be a resource and encourager for my students. So I was totally honored and humbled to receive the recognition. But on top of it, I was surprised to receive a check for $500 as well! I truly am blessed.

Still Waiting

It's now day 10 of waiting for something to happen with this miscarriage. The doctor said I could expect to start bleeding in 5-7 days, at which point he instructed that I should call the office and they would start monitoring my HCG levels again to make sure that they were going down. But he never told me what to do if I don't start bleeding. I called the office this morning to see what they recommend...and the doctor is out of the office until Wednesday. Last time I saw him, he did give me his cell phone number in case of an emergency--which was very kind of him. But I didn't figure that this was worth of the "emergency" label.

So I'm still waiting. Unlike the other "two week waits", this one doesn't have the excitement of anticipating the discovery of ovulation or a BFP. Rather, I only have impending dread. And who knows how long this wait will last?

Today's blessing is actually yesterday's. We had some friends from church come over last night, and had a blast with them: water balloon fight, dinner, board games, and just great company. It was nice to be silly and remember what it feels like to live in "joy" rather than "sorrow" for a bit.