In my appointment last week, our doctor asked how I was feeling, and I shared that I was truly starting to feel more comfortable with believing that this pregnancy is indeed progressing normally...and yet that it scares me to get so comfortable. Even after the betas doubling, the heartbeat, the positive Ultrascreen, and each subsequent beautiful ultrasound, I still have this lingering bit of fear that something bad could happen.
I don't feel like I'm "consumed" by this fear. On a day to day basis, I'm overall happy and super excited about this baby. I love watching my belly grow. I love feeling "something" and wondering if it's the baby. I love that I'm always hungry and I always have to pee. I love being pregnant. But I don't know if I'll ever be 100% comfortable.
Sometimes I start to feel like I'm there...and then I'll have a moment--like when I fainted on Sunday--and the fear starts creeping back in a bit. It's like I'm on a "comfort level roller coaster"--for the most part, I'm totally enjoying the ride. It's full of adventure and excitement and I'm tempted to let go of the safety bar and throw up my hands and surrender to the joy that I can't help but feel. But every once in a while, the ride will take a quick turn or a sudden drop, and it gets my heart racing again. And although I know that God--my "safety bar" in this analogy--will protect me, I still have to cling to Him with white knuckles...all along while I'm wishing that I could stand confidently in His presence.
I'm 17 weeks...further than I've ever been before. I'm more excited than ever before, and I also have more to lose than ever before. I may never be 100% comfortable, but I am 100% sure that God loves me and has a plan for me. Oh how I pray that He keep me and this baby safe on this roller coaster for the 23 weeks to come.
Today's blessing is a peaceful, beautiful Spring morning in the desert. I went to bed earlier than normal last night, so woke up earlier than normal this morning. As I type this, I'm looking out the window at an amazing blooming desert. For any non-desert dwellers out there who think that the desert is "brown and dirty and ugly", you'd think that you were in Ireland these days. I know that it won't last for long, but the ocotillo and creosote are blooming, and everything else is a vibrant shade a green. It really is a beautiful blessing to see.