I've been thoroughly and utterly confused for the last couple of weeks. Whenever anyone asks me if I'm feeling the baby move yet, I never know how to answer. I've definitely been feeling "something" for the last couple of weeks. I want to believe that I've been feeling the baby this whole time. But I haven't felt like I could definitely 100% claim "Yes! That's it! I just felt the baby!". There were a couple of times when I felt really confident that I had experienced movement...but then I would fart (I apologize if that's too much information). So I kept looking down at my belly and asking "Is that you?".
At first, it started out as a question of blissful wonderment. I would ask the question to the baby in my belly, smiling and gently rubbing that spot. I even remember experiencing what seemed like a true "jab" last week when I made a joke to one of my students, and I remember thinking that perhaps the baby thought it was really funny...or totally stupid (of course, recognizing all along that even if the baby can start hearing sounds at this point, that he/she can't discern what is and isn't funny yet). But then I realized that I was farting shortly after the presumed-movement, and the innocent "Is that you?" question started to develop a tone of frustration. I really didn't know (and well, still don't know) if that was indeed movement...or just gas.
But something changed today. Physically, yes, I noticed that I was experiencing a similar (if not the same) sensation as early...minus the fart. I take that as a good sign. But more importantly--something in my response changed...emotionally. Instead of directing the "Is that you?" question to an unborn baby...I directed my confusion--and yet possible appreciation--to God, the only One who really knows what's going on inside of my body. Instead of pondering over what I was experiencing and trying to pin-point exactly what it is, I simply thanked God, thinking "If this is the baby moving...then Thank You, God!".
I repeated this prayer out-loud on the drive home...and I could swear that I got another "jab" as I got the final "Thank You" out of my mouth. As I sit here and type this, I pay close attention to any little sensation at all, making a mental note of it all. Still, I don't know if I can claim each every twinge and pull and roll as "baby". But if feels better to simply thank God for the possibility...rather than question His mysterious miracles. In the meantime, I pray for patience until I can be sure...and for wisdom to know how to discern exactly what I'm feeling.
Today's blessing was the chance to get caught up (and dare I say...ahead?) at work. I intentionally scheduled a light day, and was able to accomplish a lot of little projects that I had been putting off at this busy time of the year. But things should slow down a bit next week, and then taper off as we head into the summer. The end of this school year is in sight! As one of my students said today: "The countdown has begun".