The other night while I was doing my devotional time, I had a thought...or a breakthrough...or an ah-ha moment--whatever you want to call it. I started to wonder if God ever gets tired of me bringing all of my worries to Him.
For the most part, I feel like I've done pretty good in the "worry department" with this pregnancy. I was definitely anxious before the first ultrasound. And I admit that I start to have some doubts and fears creep into my mind in the last few days leading up to the subsequent appointments. But for the most part, I was feeling like I was doing a good job of bringing my fears and worries to God. We've all heard that phrase--"bring your fears and worries to God"--before, right? We say it as a "good thing" (and maybe it it--just bear with me in my thought process). I guess that I would definitely say that it is better than the alternative--which I guess would be to hold on to our fears and worries and let them manifest in our hearts and minds as they blow out of proportion and cause us to lash out at those who love us or make us retreat from those who care for us.
But I started to think about how I am trying to hand over my fears and worries about this pregnancy to God...and I started to wonder if He ever "gets tired" (for lack of a better term) of me not trusting Him to take care of what He has promised. I thought about it in human terms (and maybe that's my problem, since God is clearly not human). Let's take my husband and our finances, for example. My husband handles all of the finances in our household. He sets the budget, he pays the bills, he moves money around to ensure that we have enough each month. Ultimately, I do indeed trust him with our finances (just as I trust God's plan for my life). But if I "brought my fears and worries" about our finances to my husband on a day-to-day basis, saying "Honey, really--I trust you--but I just wanted you to know that I'm scared about the finances"...he'd kindly reassure me the first day...roll his eyes the second day...and then--honestly--probably get exasperated with me by the third day and shriek "Why can't you just trust me?!?!". Okay, so I can't really imagine God "shrieking" at me...but I wonder if He ever feels the urge to say "Laura, please, I've told you time and time again--yes, I really will take care of you...so please just trust Me".
Like I said, I realize that God is not human...and maybe that's my problem. I know that the patience that He has for me is beyond human comprehension. And really...I do trust Him! So why do I continue to have this worry? And is having doubt and fear and worry an indication that I really don't trust Him as much as I thought? As I said in the beginning of this post, I definitely feel that my worry levels are down...so is that perhaps indicative of Him working in my life when I do bring my worries to Him? I don't really have any answers, but I would be interested in your thoughts and reactions. These are just some thoughts that I wonder...
Today's blessing is the chance to explore the botanical gardens with a colleague from the other side of campus. I met with her on Monday to work on a project, and when I mentioned that my husband was out of town, she gleefully suggested that we should do something. Although I often stay longer to chat with her after our meetings, I've never done anything "social" with her, so it was a nice invitation and I'm looking forward to a nice day of desert plants and flowers. The free tickets to the botanical gardens are also a blessing--they were from a former colleague when she moved and wouldn't be able to use them. This former colleague continues to be a strong influence in my life, as she also struggles with her journey to add another child to her family. We started worked together before either of us got married, and though our struggles a bit different, I totally appreciate that she understands and supports me--both personally and professionally.